Home ▸ Other ▸ Smackdown 03/14/14 Steak, blowjob, whipped cream π for dessert.

Well, I actually kind of care about WMXXX again. I hate the idea that The Shield is being broken up because that’s how the formula of singles runs HAVE to work in the modern day, let’s hope they don’t go that route. But we get two Daniel Bryan matches at the PPV (hopefully). So let’s see what happened on the upstart program known a Smackdown…

Hopping time…

“I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. Sometimes I attempt to write something funny in this disclaimer section. This is not one of those times..”.

– HHH is out to “address” the Daniel Bryan “situation”. And quite frankly it’s not too bad for a HHH promo. Yes it’s repetitive, but The Game plays off of the crowd. He’s happy that Pharrell Williams happy, happy, joy, joy, 15 minutes of fame, Occupy Wallstreet, Hijack Raw, Lost plane in Asia, Cricket Bat breaking a door, I’ll teach your grandmother to suck eggs. We hope the underdog will succeed, but HHH will make Bryan suck his seeds and cook him a steak (vegan joke, get it?), because there is no happy ending. Hunter is going to spoil the PPV and steal all of our money by destroying Bryan at Mania. “And guess what fuckers?”, notes HHH, “You guys are locked into a six month subscription to DAS NETWERK that you will likely forget to cancel before automatic renewal! MWUH HA HA HA HA!!!”. Out comes Damien Sandow who is getting a punishment match for not beating up Sign Guy, catering staff, and some fatties the WWE found at a local Denny’s for the Occupy RAW segment on Monday.

I don’t think this is going to turn out well for Scooby and the gang…

– * Seth Rollins vs. Damien Sandow. SWEET! This could be good. I go to grab some popcorn, and realize I’m all out. I send my clone into the future to grab me some future popcorn to ensure it’s not stale. He manages to fuck up this easy task. I toss him into the basement to pleasure J.T. My bad, this was a squash. Then the Shield group together and do their three man powerbomb onto Sandow.

– Scooby Doo and WWE movie ads air. Looks like the super-imposed pictures over top of any scene of CM Punk. It’s nice to see Chris Benoit again. Wait… what?

– A clip of J.T. Hogan shilling the Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royale with cheese airs. I like the concept, but I hope they don’t ruin it by putting it on the pre-show. I bet that Bulgarian Loincloth guy wins it, but it should be The Big Show. And you should damn well know why. He’s his son, right kayfabe WCW?

I want this product, and I don’t even have kids.

– * Non-Title Match: Big E {C} vs. Fandango. The two start off doing some coke off of Summer Rae’s legs. Then the crowd gets in on the action, reaching below their chairs and pulling out their very own Summer Rae to take home. She’s fully equipped to make them a steak and top your π with whipped cream. Big E kills Fandango. It’s funny that basically both of these fuckers debuted last WM, and now one is getting jobbed out only to coke with each other and clone the valet into blow-job slaves for the fans on the preshow at WMXXX.

You can buy that shirt at http://www.bookertees.com/

– Bad News Bears-at-Barrage Energy Bars is back! The crowd is kind of popping for this. The streak is coming to an end, and having stayed up too late watching WMXXX, you will fall asleep at a meeting at work the next day and get fired. It’s a good thing lots of blue collar workers have “safety meetings” where they just smoke some weed and everything is cool. You never wanted to work some nutjob who burnt down your office over a stapler anyways. Safety meetings. They’re important. The more you know…

More cheap pops for my pal Al over at 8-Bit!

– Speaking of safety meetings…

– * The Real Americans vs. Cody Rhodes and Goldust. Oh shit. I heard about this one already. See Cody jumps off the top ropes towards Cesaro and almost lands head first on the outside, but Cesaro catches him… barely. I shit you not, if Cesaro didn’t, that potential paralysis. Fucking close spot… immediately cut to commercials. Outside of that, this match is great. And even more importantly, it’s given time. Not like Dr. Who Weeping Angel statues where-in-which if you blink, you’re fuck dead.

Involuntarily enact human physical movement asshole…. I dare you.

– And we’re back in black. Because everyone of these guys are dressed in black ring gear tonight. Except Coulter at ring side, because he’s the implied racist. See what I did there? Cesaro self tags in, while Mr. Mustache shakes his head over this bickering. Curt Cobain calls shotgun, and I drive him to Grandma’s house. I am told Swagger returned the favor and selfie-tagged himself back in, but this cost them the match as the Super Rhodes Bros win! Post match, the Real Americans introduce Cody to the steel ring post, as I post in this post, right here at BWF! BANG BANG! Then some random Samoan sons of Rikishi drive over Stone Cold down to the ring while Chris Rock smokes some of himself for Dwayne Johnson because New Jack City. Bart Simpson shakes himself to sleep in the corner muttering, “Can’t sleep… Clown will eat me…”.

– “Little Rock… We’re here.”

Joe’s favorite moment.

– * Bray Wyatt vs. Kofi Kingston. I totally forgot Kofi exists. Wow. And I don’t even hate the guy, even though he’s a flat character outside of the ring. Inside the ring, dude delivers. They give him some time to be effective and a threat. But Bray is going after John Cena, after all… so I smell another shorty here. It’s about five minutes, and solid. Nothing memorable, but at least Kofi isn’t presented as a total dork. The Wyatts eat him by the end. The way of the road…

– I get distracted by a replay of the remake of Dawn of the Dead on AMC, because I zombies. Punk on Talking Dead this Sunday. Or maybe it’s “Phil”. Who knows. “Dead-ish”

– Kane talks with Dat Shield backstage. Ambrose gets swarmy with the Big Red Dog, Marmaduke, and he plans on destroying The Big Show as I FFW through that match. The Shield is offended that Kane plans on leaving some scraps for the Hounds of Justice, and they let him know that the Libertarian is possibly a Liberian now. Booker T runs in and begins to stare at his hand. He gets confused and beckons for The Mathematician,who doesn’t run out because I don’t think any wrestler has ever had a math gimmick. It all adds up. The plan is to divide The Shield, but I don’t think this Adds to the WWE. Rather, they could multiply a number of programs by just keeping them intact while letting them do things outside the group. It’s not like we’re asking for them to calculate the circumference of a circle here.

– * Tamina Snuka vs. Brie Bella. Whipped cream break. I fail at my future endeavor. Things creep up into their hiding holes. I skip this shit. Brie Bella manages to pick up Tamina and slam her into a pin, I guess.

– * Alberto Del Rio vs. Dolph Ziggler. I love both of these guys, but don’t care about this match at all. I’ve been given no reason to care. Have you? Comment below, because I’ve got nothing. ADR is going after the giant gilded chocolate figure in the Andre the Giant WWE Easter Egg hunt at Stamford. It’s a solid statue, and not one of those hollow cheap aluminum-wrapped pieces of shit you get from Walmart. It’s actually about 8 feet tall, and the centre is filled with wine. Even more important, it comes with a gift card that calls you “Boss” when you open it. Quite the gift card. The one I got from Hallmark today was a little more advanced. It helped me with math, and also served me… and served me dinner. That was a nice touch to put cream cheese on my cheese cake pie afterwards too.

– Ziggler and ADR go all in on this one. They both experience multiple near falls, and put on a good bout. Why the fuck are they left out of the PPV? Who knows… I’d recommend watching this. It’s not the best match ever, and watching the crowd NOT react while hearing the audio sends me the obvious tampering in post-production message I need to know. But, as dead as these guys are, it’s a solid bout. They worked hard. Dolph manages to land a reverse flying DDT thing for the pin and the win. Good match. It sucks that the commentary even makes light of this not meaning shit since they are not on the PPV.

Breaking news…

– Renee Darren talks to Dolph live in the ring. Dolph says, “Two in a row for the Good Guy, Huh?!?!?” The crowd pops, and he puts himself into the Andre “The Giant” Memorial match. He plans on making his own destiny, and he is big fan of Kinder Surprise. Renee agrees to help him consume all that wine. This segment was brought to you by BraWWzzerz.

– Carlos Colon is officially announced into the WWF/WWE HOF. They cut him for time on Monday. But it is official tonight. This was a great package. I’m sure we will see it, and maybe even longer, next Monday.

– Bray Wyatt cuts another amazing promo. He has been dreaming about what is going on. His sister is proud of him, and Cena is failing. Wyatt has awakened. He knows that Cena is a fucking lie, and he will make it Quick. He makes chocolate milk and drinks it alone. There is no time for Kool-Aid. Oh Yeah!

Social Media is funny. Jericho invented it.

– Kane discusses the current world political problems with The Shield backstage and cancels BWF Radio Theatre. He also reveals that Charles Barkley may be alive and hunting great white sharks off the coast of South Africa. News to me. I eat some steak and π. A random BWF Radio cohost provides personal services, WHO WAS IT? You decide.

– * Kane vs. The Big Show. I see. Well, I don’t. I FFW. Slow. Lumbering. Thing review is basically over. Boring. FFW. Then The Shield are at ringside. They are mocking Kane. The opt to pretend to have his back. Nope, they Ambrose. Fuck this, and they go have some popcorn and rum with J.T. and Jorge in the stands with Jorge. I get jealous. Where’s my fucking popcorn? Fucking clone. ThiNkSoZoMbiEJoE shambles around with YouCan’tSeeMePunk in the concourse purchasing AMC from their cable package to see Phil on the Talking Dead this Sunday. Then Roman Reigns murders Kane in the ring as we close, because breaking up The Shield is retarded. No one wants to see that. Shut the fuck up.

I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.

The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.

Tell me I’m a retard on Twitter! Yes, you can mock me on social media now here: @GoftheInternet

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Joe continues not to notice this section. 😀 It’s like a Talking Heads song or something. 4 weeks and counting. He was warned.

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WTF?

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Sept 6, 2013. I am a clone of G. I am currently handcuffed to one of the lower legs of G’s sofa in his apartment. Yesterday, while the real G was at work, monkey nearby shrieked at me to attempt to lift the sofa. It worked! I went to thank the monkey located in an open-doored cage on the stairs leading down to the basement of G’s basement apartment, and noticed a large man strapped into a chair in the basement. I then heard the original G returning home. I need to find his magical device that created me…

Sept 13, 2013. The real Gee has noticed my writing. That stupid fuck hasn’t deleted anything, but he did taze me repeatedly. I still think there is a monkey held captive on the stairs to the second level of this building.
Sept 20, 2013. Made progress today. Discovered some kind of cloning device. I used it to clone the device itself, and hid the copy under the couch I am “hand-cuffed” to. The monkey saw this, but I don’t think he’ll say anything. He’s a monkey, after all. Some dude named Johnny Storm stopped by to say hi. Weird.

Sept 27, 2013. An obese man who claims to be famous magically appeared in the living room today. He told me the cloning gadget I made a copy of has the powers to do much more. Sounded like a bunch of crap to me. I immediately knocked him out and tied him up beside the one the “real” G calls “Barks.” Both look the same. I killed the new guy and fed him to the other captives. I think. They both look the same. All of that future-talk and preventing the death of kayfabe annoyed me. Either way, one of the “Barks” was dinner. He tasted like chicken. Big surprise there.

Oct 4, 2013. So I guess the guy I fed to his doppleganger was actually able to escape last week with help from that J.T. guy. He was screaming something about “his” chair. Either way, G is pissed and punished me all week. He said something about maybe sending me to Fall Camp. I decided to not make any decisive moves. It seems for the best. Just like the WWE, I guess, albeit “best” isn’t the “best” word I’d use to describe the product.

Oct 18, 2013. It’s been a while since I’ve been able to write here. G has been continually sending me off to ancient historical eras to collect random artifacts. I don’t understand why a stool sample from Henry Hudson is so important. And what was the point of leaving a smoke bomb in the front hall of the Palace of Versailles on May 6, 1682? I’m told I’m going to have to… gotta go. He’s home.

Nov. 8, 2013. I’ve been sent on a bunch of weird missions. The most weird was when G sent me back to 2008. See, I snuck former PM Tony Blair into Buckingham Palace and stapled old-people-face to his kind of already old-people-face. No one has noticed even until today. I still don’t understand why he made me do that.

Nov. 15, 2013. This last week was even more bizarre. He made me put on some suit and a red tie and shave my head, and then pretend to be in control of his weekly scab collecting group. I burst in, and told the vice president and current scab champion collector that I was in charge. We bickered back and forth for a while, and then G kicked in the door dressed in drag and began shrieking that since he was the vice president of the chess club next door he was taking over. Very odd.

Dec. 6, 2013: Charles Barkley recently abducted me and took me on a cruise ship with him. We circumvented the planet, stopping at various ports-of-call, and living the high life again. It was really awesome. Then sadly, today, I awoke only to find myself back on the couch of G’s apartment. Was it all a dream?

Dec. 13, 2013. Nope, not a dream. In fact somewhat of a nightmare. This week I was forced to go to work for G while he vigorously stayed home masturbating (I can only assume) and eating nachos. Work sucked. Firstly, I am not trained to do anything G actually does at his jobs, so I looked like a complete idiot. Oddly enough, some fellow who has a Bruce Springsteen complex and calls himself “The Boss” told me that my work had shown significant improvement today. I am pretty sure G’s jobs don’t involve a body count, though.

Dec 20, 2013. Just got back from a reconnaissance mission to infiltrate Charles Barkley’s place. G insisted I take the monkey from the open cage on the stairs with me. He told me the monkey was given special orders, and my job was to get the little guy into the house. I did as I was told. Once inside, the monkey went to every toilet in the house and proceeded to defecate inside the water tank of each one. I don’t know what G is feeding that monkey, but damn!

Dec 27, 2013. Shit, I’m tired. G outsourced me to that dude who always invades via the apartment balcony to deliver bass strings to the bass player children of the world the other day. Turns out, I fucked up and gave a bunch of five and six string bass player kids, four string packs, so he made me go out AGAIN the next day to fix the problem. Turns out, that for some reason, descending into people’s homes via chimney is only considered acceptable behaviour one night out of 365. Or at least, that’s what police officers in 45 countries on the planet seem to think. I have to go out again tonight, but I’m just going to drop molotovs down the chimney instead. Fuck getting arrested again.

Jan 10, 2014. G sent me to the year 2018 to find some lady. Turns out she was laughing historically on February 6th. I return with this information. Not a very exciting adventure, and then me and the monkey play a game called hide G’s sandwich. The crawl space is full of’em.

Jan 24, 2014. I find a diary penned by a version of me, 8 generations ago. In clone generational math, that was about 3 minutes. Weird.

Jan 31, 2014. Today was a good day. I got to use my A.K. Daviel Batryan won the Regal Vibration. The WW’Eh Channel is available in Canuckstan. And the company hired a mainstream darling named D.N. Goth. This is the brightest timeline.

February 7, 2014. Went to the opening ceremonies. Yeah, that’s the ticket. The opening ceremonies. Many were lost in the battle today. I live on. Remember the fallen clones.

February 14, 2014. G said since it’s Valentine’s Day, I have to do something special for J.T. who is trapped in his apartment basement. When I asked why me, he screamed back at me, “THERE’S NO TIME!” and he proceeded to watch men’s doubles in luge. So, I took J.T. back in time to ride a brontosaurus. I don’t think he understand what I meant, but I have to admit, I’ve never seen a brontosaurus smile like that before!

February 21, 2014. G sent me back to lift Jamie Benn’s stick on a shot from the point to ensure the dreams and hopes of USA hockey fans were crushed like the hopes and dreams of Canadian WWE fans unable to order the WWE Network.

March 14, 2014. I was sent to get some popcorn from the future. Corn had become extinct in the year I was sent to. I searched for months and months (since time is relative) to no avail. When I was summoned back, I was repeated whipped and forced to drink bleach. I can see through time… Then I fell down a mountain and some random redhead giant kept shoving his pet snake in my mouth.

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