Whelp, this will be a little different than normal. I’m whipping through Smackdown since Calgary will be going through rolling power outages tonight (or so the police scanner says), to deal with the massive flooding in this city. And let’s be honest here, there is no way Smackdown is topping either Payback or RAW which were both solid shows. Fortunately I prepared a little something something ahead of time this week, and some gifs so it feels kind of normal. But in all seriousness, I kind of need to watch the news to see what the fuck is going on in my hometown and how it affects me. Sorry.

Sloshing time!

– No voice over joke this week, I just skipped that part.

– Daniel Bryan kicks off the show in the ring, which immediately makes the RAW injury angle questionable. He reportedly suffered a “stinger,” and HHH made the call to end it. “They were concerned for [his] health, so they stopped the match.” Bryan considers Orton the worst offender of the bunch. Randall Keith Orton comes out to address the allegations of Bryan against Orton for dehumanizing him. Orton notes that he has a lot of respect for Bryan because while Orton didn’t want to fight Bryan anymore, but Daniel kept coming. Bryan’s take is paranoia about being the “weak link,” not respect.

The WWE cares about concussions!.

– * Cody Rhodes vs. Sheamus. Fuck this match. The only thing shitty about all the good the WWE has done this week, is that somehow Sheamus is still a face. It was also one of the bad things about RAW, that this “face” cheap shot Brogue Kicked Rhodes after he lost, because that’s how good guys deal with losing. I barely watch this match as I get an idea of what the fuck is going on in Calgary. It looks like the entire downtown core will be shut down until the middle of next week, which is going to make my day job pretty much moot. The match, from what I saw was ok. Sandow at ringside tried to interfere, but this allows Sheamus to take a win with a Cloverleaf submission on Rhodes. Post match, Sandow attacks Sheamus.

– Bray Wyatt Family promo airs. Creepy as all hell, I hope we see them soon enough, but probably not next week, since they tend to put “NEXT WEEK!” at the end of these things once all of the vignettes have aired.

What about Axel Rotten?

– * IC Title Match: Curtis Axel {C} vs. Wade Barrett. It’s hard not to feel bad about Barrett coming out of the PPV, but realistically, Axel needed the win or his whole push would be a complete joke. Axel wins in a good bout. Post match, Miz leaves commentary, and stares off Axel. Meh.

– Clips of the epic Mark Henry pseudo retirement speech from RAW air. Promo of the year? Probably. It’s the closest thing to the “Pipebomb” of 2013.

Loved the robot guy!.

– * Non-Title Match: AJ Lee {C} vs. Natalya. J.T. is seen in the audience holding up a sign that states, “BRB, you guys. I have to go check on ThinkSoZombiEJoE, who said something about taking a Barrel Ride…”. While Biggie Smalls is at ringside, there are no Mediocre Khali sightings. The two begin to grapple and we immediately are sent to commercials. I’m bored and my head is not in the game this Friday. We return and AJ pretty much immediately submits Natalya with her Black Widow move, or whatever the fuck it’s called. Backstage, we see Kaitlynner talking with Layla, and for no reason Aksana comes in a calls Kaitlynner trash. So Kaitlynner attacks Aksana in the crazy fashion that AJ has done for the last year plus. Great.

This is about as convincing as Heat players getting fouled.

– * Non-Title Match: Alberto Del Rio {C} vs. Chris Jericho. I get the title thing here, as Y2J is gone after MitB. Nonetheless, this could be a good little match. But before it can start, a familiar voice echos over the P.A. in the arena!

JT: “I’m back. Last Christmas when Alberto Del Rio was busy murdering Santa Claus, I read you a story by a man who may have been playing Santa Claus on TV. But that wasn’t Santa. He’s real. HE’S THE FUCKING REAL NOT THE ANT DICK! COLD BEER! IT’S STILL REAL TO ME, DAMMIT! Today, on Sunday or Friday (gotta get down on Friday), I’m going to read you another story. It’s called “ThinkSoJoE died already, because he’s a zombie, so he couldn’t actually drown in Niagara Falls because he’s already dead.” On Wednesday evening ThinkSoZombiEJoE contacted the birthday boy, “Old Fuck” Gee Hall (quote the Whore-Hey, never more), letting him know he took a bus straight to Niagara Falls. Gee was confused since he didn’t know the undead could use facebook, let alone be allowed on public transit. But I digress. I was busy watching Hardcore Porn, or Pawn, or both. Jenna Jameson was in it either way. Some chef guy shred raped a potato, then stashed it in a Storage Unit which was purchased by that fired “Yup!” guy, and then served at a Bar that was restored, then chopped and voted off the island. It was awesome. What was I talking about? Something about Metallica? Either way, zombies can’t drown. JoE got a real close look at the bottom of the Falls. The End. P.S. No animals were harmed in the making of this lie. George Steele and Dave Batista are healthy and well. The Miz died, but no one cares about him. Now for a herpes update from Jorge. GO CRUNCH!”

And of course Crosby complained and cried to the referee about this clean hit.

– Weird. I guess that explains JoE’s absence so far on Smackdown. Back to Jericho and ADR. Ric-Rod does his usual introduction, and things get going nicely. We get a fantastic bout, with Ric-Rod distracting Jericho while he has ADR in a Walls of Jericho. So, Jericho grabs Ric-Rod and slaps him into the Lion Tamer. This leads to Dolph Ziggler running in to attack ADR, and thus, ADR wins via DQ. The two faces argue, and Y2J lands the Codebreaker on Ziggler. Jericho walks off in disgust, and the heels make their way back into the ring to attack Ziggler. Referees attempt to prevent the heel tandem.

How this happens must involve alcohol.

– * Drew McIntyre vs. Christian. Captain Charisma’s return was a little overshadowed and forgotten on that epic RAW, which sucks. Not sure where they are going with him, but tonight he faces The Chosen One and his 3MB cohorts. I watch this just for Christian… who surprisingly gets tossed around a bit by McIntyre. Christian ultimately wins with a Killswitch and runs off the 3MBs. Post match, Christian grabs a microphone and discusses about being happy to be back. “The entire world knows why I came back… for that one… more… match.” The Shield’s music hits, and they swarm the ring, oddly coming from the main entrance ramp and not the stands. Christian is dismantled. Does this mean an Ambrose/Christian program? I could dig that.

This is awesome!.

– Brock Lesnar kills CM Punk on RAW clips replay. Did you buy it? I hope not, that shit’s on free television.

– Renee Young interviews Paul Heyman about the Punk/Brock thing. Heyman takes exception about airing dirty laundry on the air, and mentions stuff about Renee’s relationship with her father, why her Uncle had to pull her prom date out of her limo, and why she and her fiance called it quits two months ago. The fuck? Wow, they just built up her character in a matter of 30 seconds just like that! And to think, she was merely Renee Paquette on The Score in Canada only months ago. That was interesting to say the least. All of the sudden, Renee Young has a story. You know who doesn’t have a story? Matt Strike-Anywhere-Matches. He got all future endeavored, which sucks, but I suppose he’s been replaced by this blonde Canadian upstart, essentially. That kind of sucks, I like them both.

Want to hear it? Here it goes!

– * Daniel Bryan vs. Randy Orton – What can I say? This match was pretty awesome. They get a lot of time, and we see a diversity of moves. I’m just motivated to care so much today since my city is fucked up. It all culminates with Orton being laid outside the ring, and Bryan botching a suicide dive after. But, Bryan scrambles back into the ring to earn a countout win. He argues with the referee to restart the match, not wanting to win this way. A “NO!” and “YES!” argument results between Bryan and the referee, but Bryan out yells the official as…

I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.

The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.

Tell me I’m a retard on Twitter! Yes, you can mock me on social media now here: @GoftheInternet




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This Smackdown Review Appears on Three Sites!


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Shameless Plugs!


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