Home ▸ SmackDown ▸ Smackdown 06/29/12: MitB Qualifiers Begin!

Well, the description of tonight’s episode is “examining John Cena’s role on next week’s Great American Bash.” That’s right, next week is the GAB PPV converted into what appears to be Smackdown (not RAW? Really?). Whatever, I’m already distracted enough by other stuff tonight, so maybe this will make it easier to digest this show? Let’s get to steppin’ and see what happens, shall we?

Note from G: Don’t let my sarcastic cynicism fool you, this was a pretty solid episode.

I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s Smackdown reviews work. This is not a play-by-play recap, there’s enough of those online. This is a highly-opinionated take of the show in question.

– A bunch of clip crap from last week and RAW. Then A.J. skips down to the ring…

* Non-Title Match: Layla {C} vs. A.J.

Why? Why is this considered a Diva’s match?

– Le meh (French for “I give this many fucks (makes pinchy fingers). Non Title too? There is only ONE diva who means anything on this show lately, and she doesn’t even get a shot at the title? TURRIBLE. Notable, that Layla is wearing one knee brace (working through injury?) and both seem to be working as faces in this match. The two work in a bunch of restholds, until A.J. pulls out some kicks or something. YAWN. FFW. A,J, looks to drop Layla with a spinning heel kick until Bryan Daniels runs around the ring shouting “YES!” This allows Layla to get the roll up win on A.J. The latter freaks out and does her crazy beat down post match….

Now THIS is a cat meme I can get behind.

– Daniels stands on the ring apron as the crowd errupts in YES! chants. Bryan notes it’s not that much fun when someone distracts you in a match. But he’s not here because he’s an attention whore like her. He refuses to leave the ring until Vickie comes out and gives him what he wants… nothing happens…. Bryan, “You’ve left me with no choice… YES! YES! YES!” The crowd plays along and A.J. mocks him shouting YES! as our opening segment ends. The match sucked, but it got us to where we need to be storyline-wise.

'Nuff said.

– Vickie finally comes out, and Bryan informs her that he needed to make a point. He beat Kane AND CM Punk in the same match. And both RAW and Smackdown revolve around him. He deserves his title shot, and kisses Vickie’s ass about her making this decision. The end result will be that she will be the GM and he will be the champion, but they need to work hand-in-hand. But he needs Vickie to go to the Board of Directors to have A.J. banned from ringside at the match at MitB. Vickie is already vindictive towards the crazy girl, and begins to tear her a new one… WWE.com held a poll about what role they want to see A.J. in at this match, and they voted for Special Guest Referee. A.J. smugly looks at the two heels and leads the crowd in YES! chants as she leaves. Bryan flips out, and cleverly chants NO! repeatedly as the crowd counters with YES! as he storms off.

So there were no traces of bath salts in the infamous face-eater’s system. Great, here comes the zombie stuff again, and I love the zombies.

– Vickie announces that over the next two weeks, Smackdown will host a series of qualifying matches for the MitB for the Blue Brand… starting now.

– * Money in the Bank Qualifying Match: Zack Ryder vs. Damien Sandow. Damien is here to help all of us, and his opponent too! When he emerges victorious, us unwashed masses will have a new champion we need and yearn for. We’re welcome. Sandow needs this win, so does Ryder. It’s a quick pace to start, and Sandow sells very well for Ryder. Sandow also really plays the dirty filthy heeltastic style. Damien puts Ryder in a FULL NELSON AND PROCEEDS TO BASH HIS FACE INTO THE TOP RING BUCKLE! BRILLIANT SPOT! Ryder gets his energy back, and looks to hit the Roughryder, BUT NO!!! Sandow hits his finisher, pin and the win! Great little match, but a shame both of these men can’t be in the MitB ladder match.

Charles Barkley @G: “I rocked out with the band Redemption recently, this guitar thing is pretty easy. They took my microphone away though…”

G @Charles Barkley: “Let me guess, they told you to “SHUT UP AND JAM!”?”

– Bryan knocks on the Diva’s door looking for A.J., but meets up with Katelyn and comedically says, “You didn’t hear this from me, but she’s a little bit mentally unstable.”

– * Money in the Bank Qualifying Match: Jack Swagger vs. Tyson Kidd. Ok, first off ask yourself, WHO would you REALLY think will entertain more in a MitB match. If your answer doesn’t start with “T” and end with “yson Kidd” your opinion is WRONG! Kidd immediately gets slammed, but turns this into a bit of a clinic on how to combine acrobatics with psychology…. hence no unnecessary high spots and “getting his shit in.” Swagger still dominates this thing as Kidd sells like a champion. Not to be outdone, Swagger is able to demonstrate his catch-as-catch-can matt-based excellence with an opponent who can match up with him. Kidd hits an impressive reversal swinging DDT, then a series of spinning and flying kicks. Anklelock reversal by Kidd who climbs up the ropes like a monkey, and lands his own variation of Sliced Bread #2 FOR THE WIN!!! YES!!!! I never claimed to be unbiased, but I’m stoked for the PPV now with Sandow AND Kidd both qualifying! FUCK YEAH!

Speaking of kicking out the jams…

– Dolph flips out on Vickie backstage. He’s tired of working his ass off for the last 6 years, and it’s her job to give him an opportunity. Vickie slaps him, then they exchange words civilly…. change is coming? Not sure, because they’ve been teasing this for what feels like fucking years.

My kind of heel… get him on the main roster, STAT!

– * Money in the Bank Qualifying Match: Christian and Santino Marella vs. Cody Rhodes and David Otunga. Notable: Otunga is totally doing the Chris Masters entrance pose down at the start. Of course Masters stole it too, but I digress. This is pretty much paint-by-the-numbers for a tag team bout. I guess both winners go into the MitB? Things get all hectic (Blackbox style), as the referee can’t control a thing. When he finally does, enter the heels isolate Santino in the corner cliche. Christian finally gets a hot tag and tangos with Rhodes for a while, as Otunga and Santino vanish… they reappear only to let Otunga take the loss as Santino and Christian celebrate. Both qualify, and now we have 3 faces and 1 heel in the match. I am expecting 8 total as we still have one more qualifier to go tonight,

Leave it to Punk to make Alicia Fox’s terrible ring gear actually entertaining.

– Fella McPale gets interviewed about his triple threat title match tonight. Cliche interview. Not worth a look. Yawn.

– A.J. is seen backstage talking to herself, and Enter The American Dragon who appeals to her about her mental health and whether she has ever sought help. He knows a doctor, and asks if she wants his number. A.J. smirks and says, “YES!” a bunch.

FORCE PUSH!

* Ryback vs Dan Barone and Brandon Burke. You know what happens here. The jobbers kick out some jams with a little freestyle rap, which is horrible. Perfect, once again something just a little different. Ry Van Back enters ready to kill stating, “It’s feeding time.” Barone gets killed, and Burke says fuck this and flees attempting to leave. NO! Ryback meets him at the entrance ramp and super kicks him. Foolish fool, you should have fled through the audience. Then Ryback eats them.

– Antonio Cesaro and Aksana are making out backstage… HOLLA HOLLA! Teddy Long interrupts their face-sucking to let them know he will be the GM next week on the Live SuperSmackdown on Tuesday (Great American Bash), that he’s sees through the bullshit of Aksana… and, he’s booked them in a tag match against Layla and the Mediocre Khali. Looks like I’m working Tuesday Night for the BWF/WPO (P.S. Joe remind me of this on BWF Radio Episode 29 on Sunday at both sites. MAKE SURE YOU CHECK IT OUT, FOLKS! I’LL BE WATCHING THE EURO FINALS AND THE FREE AGENT FRENZY FOR THE NHL WHILE I RECORD WITH ThinkSoJoE!! It’s going to be awesome!).

The horror! The horror!

– * Money in the Bank Qualifying Match: Tensai vs. Justin Gabriel. Tensai murders Gabriel, quickly and decisively. 2 heels, 3 faces in the MitB. Totally a nothing match here.

Quite frankly, I’ve got nothing.

– * World Title Match: Sheamus {C} vs. Alberto Del Rio vs. Dolph Ziggler

We saw this on Monday… what epic Ziggler sell will we get tonight?

– Lillian adds that little extra Spanish accent on introducing Ricardo Rodriguez who will introduce Alberto Del Rio. Stands out, kind of awkwardly… just saying. Del Rio talks as he comes down, going for cheap heat about this bumblefuck town they’re in. But since Vince McMahon doesn’t want people to know where they are, he doesn’t identify where they are. But Del Rio ALSO notes that he hasn’t gotten his one-on-one match title shot he earned back in April! Crap, forgot about that. EXCUSE ME! Vickie comes out, and notes he is not going to win tonight, rather the man she is here to introduce, Dolph Ziggler. Then out comes Sheamus, who has nothing to say, just a belt to defend…

Sign this guy back TNA, or he’s WWE bound for the proposed Cruiser show…

– Looks like they might be giving this one 20 minutes or so. So grab some popcorn and a soda from the lobby and sink yourself into your chair. As opposed to writing a play-by-play, I’ll just give you the post-match thoughts. Plus, you know my rules about that stuff… no need to write a fucking essay, my shit’s opinionated enough as it is.

And sadly, it will stay that way until WWE settles this lawsuit with TNA…

– Our first segment is solid. They play off the typical triple threat story by having someone tossed to the outside while two others face off. All men get some face/heel time (LOL), and the story is about wearing each other down, like an eroding Hoodoo in Alberta’s Badlands. Fuck parts unknown, I’m from the fucking Badlands, jerk.

I plan on doing my annual "Death Via Badlands" hike this summer. So if these reviews cease to appear, I've opted to become a fossil. Albertasaurus, baby! I am well aware this appears phallic.

– This Tuesday we get a Battle Royal. I’m already smarking out. Anyways, the second segment just ups the turmoil and destruction from the first. No complaints as everyone looked great. Children learn to count at home courtesy of Sheamus on Ziggler, but they also learn to never turn your back on Alberto Del Rio who did not want math skills to be taught. Sheamus turns it around, but as he looks to strike, Del Rio returned and fucked up his shit with his armbar arm-weakening, etc. Bodies everywhere, and Dolph broke up an armbar lock on Sheamus. Dolph picks up a 2 99/100 count fail attempt on Del Rio, then ate a Brogue Kick via Sheamus on a second attempt for the pin. Sheamus retained. Great match, terrible outcome for the ICW. Whatever, I was entertained and no logic holes.

I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.

The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.

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This Smackdown Review Appears on Two Sites!

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Bored Wrestling Fan

A break down of various professional wrestling programs and events from the eyes of the smarky fan! I highly recommend checking out the BWF!

Wonderpod Online

The official home of Wonderpod, and an assortment of content ranging from all things wide and far… depending on what the author’s feel like writing about. A home for reviews, commentary, pop culture, and fiction just to start. Always worth a look.

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Shameless Plugs!

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The Cultural Revolution (TCR Comix)
Al Creed’s comics dominate tongue and cheek humour here.

Wonderpod
A weekly podcast about the world of video games, from player experiences to current events in the industry, Bruce McGee, Pat Man, Glasenator, Jonkind and/or Gun Sage provide insight into the medium for any gamer (whether casual or “pro”). Clicking the jump will take you to the iTunes page!

LarG Productions
An online music production project, free tunes spanning many genres… check it out!

Thinksobrain
ThinkSoJoE’s band, who is also the boss over at Bored Wrestling Fan. For those digging some sweet metal influenced, intriguing tunes… you really need to grab yourself an earfull.

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