Home ▸ SmackDown ▸ Smackdown 07/05/13

Well, after two odd weeks of Smackdown reviews due to watching my city flood and then attempting a mad scramble to secure a place to live amidst a throng of displaced Calgarians attempting to do the same, I guess I’m back. Am I better than ever? Not if my name is Eric and I help run Impact. But this is not Impact. This is fucking Smackdown.

That’s right…

Hopping time!

“I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s Smackdown reviews work. And as J.T. Hogan has observed, it often makes more sense than the program you are actually watching. This is not a play-by-play recap, there’s enough of those online. This is a highly-opinionated take of the show in question.

– Aquaman swims up to me with Namor The Submariner. They say something fishy about the WWE voice over guy getting punked. Weird. I didn’t know Ashton was here. Apparently the voice over guy is dead…

– CM Punk makes his way out to kick off the festivities that is WWE Smackdown. Mikail Colebachev reminds us that Punk is part of the all-face Llllllllllllllladder match for the Bankrupt-Sack-Of-Doom at the next PPV, which hangs above the ring in all it’s Bound For Glory. The crowd erupts, transmitting it’s inner magma into lava and J.T. is seen in the audience holding his crotch with one hand a sign that says, “It burns when I pee.”

– Punk rocks out a nice promo about Independence and the Fourth of July and Tom Cruise is a wheel chair match, and how that’s cool. Lieutenant Dan rolls down the entrance ramp and inquires whether Punk wants to get into the shrimp fishing industry, bubba. Aces and Eights (with new members Aquaman and Namor The Submariner) swim out and shoot everyone dead with harpoons. All of this happens.

– Actually the short rant is cut off by Alberto Del Rio (san Ric-Rod who was suspended for being fat). ADR is the champ, and therefore he has an issue with Punk. ADR gets cheap heat calling the audience fat over-indulgent lazy fucks. Ironic, no? Let me hear you roll that “R”! I guess it makes sense since Punk is a “skinny fat ass”, right Hunter? “You Essa Rios, Eh!” the crowd chants with their Canadian-Mexican accents. Punk tears ADR a new one, calling bullshit on him. It’s not that bad a segment. My version is better. “I am the best in the world. I don’t chase you, you chase me,” declares Cookie Monster Punk. A(gnostic) D(eviant) R(EO Speedwagon) is the champion, dammit. HOLLA! PLAYAH! SINGLES MATCH FLOWCHART! The Ghost of Teddy Long makes it happen, since he accidently kind of forgot to book a main event before the show started. Phew.

Super Disturbio!

– Did you know? WWE made a bunch of money off of WM 29 even though it kind of sucked.

– Paul Heyman discusses the logic of Punk taking a match with ADR backstage with 9 days to go before the PPV. Punk requests Heyman just stay out of it.

– *The Usos vs. Team Rhodes Scholars. If TRS loses… ahh fuck it. Why must they job out Damien Sandow so often? See, the USO Show are the number one contenders for the tag title champions now that Bob Hope is their manager. Sandow comes out, announcing a new era in the WWE as he and Rhodes are both in the MitB “All-Heel-Midcarder-Match” at the PPV. Decent little start, but alas, I expect neither of them to capture the Bankrupt-Sack-Of-Doom, nor win tonight. And they don’t. In what proves to be a short match, the Usos hit a synchronized double frogsplash from opposing ring posts to defeat the better team.

Just another day in the life of G.

– The Shield comes up on the Titantron, and cut a scathing promo on the Usos calling them lucky to eke out a win over The Shield on Monday with help from Old Man Christian (He’s Joe Kent’s absolute favorite wrestler, BTW). Ambrose, as per usual, noting he will defeat Captain Charisma. And they end this segment by turning the camera away to the side, as opposed to dropping it on the ground. I guess their cellphone contract limits the number of phones they can drop on the ground.

The fuck?

– *Alicia Fox vs. Kaitlyn. Great. Layla is out with Kaitlyn for whatever reason too, just like on RAW. We’re reminded of AJ showing some modelling pictures of Kaitlyn as a fat chick. Be a star, and all that. Ric-Rod runs out and is immediately tackled by Big Daddy V and escorted out by Hill Billy Jim, Vader, and The Blue Meanie (who all work security now). Then AJ skips out to Michelle McCool’s old theme-song and Layla looks confused. AJ cackles at ringside, practically begging for a sandwich, allowing Alicia Fox to hit some kick thing and pick up the win.

I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess the cashier is a wrestling fan..

– AJ is seen scrambling backstage as she runs into the Bella Twins. A mystery masked luchador wearing a red and white mask immediately hits a Stratusfaction on both of them and now they are both dead. The AJ babbles something about Dolph with Big E Smalls who is wearing a referee shirt.

– Renee Young interviews ThinkSoZombiEJoE’s favorite wrestler, Christian, and everyone’s favorite robot, Randall Keith Orton. They debate who will win the MitB match and who will defeat each other tonight. Randall is really comfortable stealing Christian’s “One… more…. cheeseburger…” line. J.T. is seen at a local drivethru holding up a sign with his order, and looking confused why the cashier doesn’t understand cardboard signs with ink written on it. He continues to hold up the line for about 34 minutes until local authorities show up and whisk him back to the arena seating area where he is given complimentary whiskey shots and popcorn to munch.

Brilliant!

– Meanwhile, back at my apartment, Jorge shows up on a jet-ski. Seems appropriate.

Jorge: “Did you see – *Randy Orton vs. Christian?”
G: “No, I missed that. I was choking out my neighbour. What happened?”
Jorge: “You did that last time I visited.”
G: “The other guy moved out… for some reason”
Jorge: “Weird.”
G: “I know, right? So I made sure to introduce myself in the standard Calgarian way. He totally tapped to the Sharpshooter. I still broke his back for good measure. Want to see how I did it?”
Jorge: “Nah, doesn’t sound like my cup of herpes. Hey, can I grab a beer?”
G: “Sure. So, what happened in the match?”
Jorge: “Did you see – *Randy Orton vs. Christian?”
G: “No, I missed that. I was choking out my neighbour. What happened?”
Jorge: “They started off the match, and immediately cut to commercials! Riveting television, to say the least! When they finally came back, Christian was in control, then Randy, and back. This was a pretty well delivered and balanced matchup. Joe even texted me that he thinks Christian is the best wrestler ever!”
G: “I could’ve sworn I saw him shambling around at ringside eating the left leg of Lillian Garcia.”
Jorge: “They started off the match, and immediately cut to commercials! Riveting television, to say the least! When they finally came back, Christian was in control, then Randy, and back. This was a pretty well delivered and balanced matchup. Joe even texted me that he thinks Christian is the best wrestler ever!”
G: “I could’ve sworn I saw him shambling around at ringside eating the left leg of Lillian Garcia. Hey since you’re up, grab me another bag of crack.”
Jorge: “Sure! Both wrestlers go back and forth, and while Christian managed to dodge one RKO, he goes to the top ropes which culminates with a successful RKO and Orton wins! Decent little match. A shame ThinkSoZombiEJoE ate all those Make Wish kids again.”
G: “Bah, he does that every week. Catch you later Jorge!”
Jorge: “I must rejoin my people! Farewell human!”

I don’t remember this at all.

– And just like that, Jorge was gone, like Jerome Iginla to the Boston Bruins.

– Teddy Long tells Heyman to join commentary in the mainevent. Heyman protests since his best friend told him not to get involved, Long explains he doesn’t have to get involved, just help call the match. Heyman concedes.

???

– Crap from last Monday replays. Don’t care.

– “To say these last few months have been a blur, would be an understatement,” begins Dolph Ziggler who is cutting a promo in the ring. He discusses his memory lose vaguely and ADR taking his title from him. It’s actually a very solid criticism (subtly) about Del Rio’s shitty face turn, and makes a lot of sense, until 3MB enter to rock the joint.

– *Dolph Ziggler vs. Drew McIntyre. Nobody cares about this. Ziggler wins. McIntyre gets some stuff in, and isn’t totally medium-sized-gourded, just minor-sized-pumpkined. Meanwhile, over on Impact, Taryn is the talk of the town, or so we’re told, in her LLLLLLLLLLADDER Match on next Thursday’s Talent-Chuck Challenge on Spike TV. Whose contract will be tossed out, NXT? Catch them all, WWE. Except Sam Shaw. Fuck that guy.

– *Fandango vs. Justin Gabriel. After we see Fandango and Summer “Show us your tits” Rae* make their way to the ring, Justin Gabriel cuts an apologetic promo about the Apartheid in South Africa, the condition of Nelson Mandella, and how J.T. of BWF loves his flippy floppy moveset. Gabriel then transforms into a werewolf, only to become infected by ThinkSoZombiEJoE at ringside to a Were-Zombie-Wolfenstein-3D. Even though that didn’t happen, the announce team make a “Mandella” and “Howling” reference within 30 seconds of Gabriel running down to the ring. Then Fandango squashed him, finishing him off with the Bukkake for the pin, the win, and the complimentary wet-nap. Get it?
*: Chant heard on RAW

– Zeb Coulter with his fellow patriots Max Moon and Nailz. It’s awesome. In all seriousness, Coulter talks about the dangers of fireworks, and the positives of Swagger and Cesaro. They are better than you. So if you are an American, and don’t agree, go fuck yourself. Happy July 1st! Err…. Hey today was NHL free agent frenzy, so it really is Canucklehead Day!

Elevators are for losers.

– *World champion Alberto Del Rio vs. CM Punk. You know what? I’m just going to watch this thing. Heyman on commentary? Check. Punk and Del Rio in a match? Check. This could be good. Feets don’t fuck me over know. I think that’s the quote. They loved the profanity in the olden fucking days. This match is portrayed in a way that hides Punk’s still injured knee. Argue with me, smarks, but clearly he is still hurt. Did you see he buckled on RAW attempting to lift, bro? Much of this match is excellently camouflaged by Del Rio working the ground game on Punk’s upper torso, feigned high spots, and Heyman’s fantastic commentary. Smarks. Marks. Arks. This Calgarian swims along, and even Namor The Submariner agrees they do a great job here. Aquaman doesn’t though, because he’s a dick. The ending is ruled a no-contest as both men fight outside the ring to a countout, in part due to Heyman’s involvement. Post match, Punk decides to land a GTS on Del Rio. He sells the move like it hurts his knee. This time, I think he’s working us. Heyman apologizes repeatedly. Either way, great match.

I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.

The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.

Tell me I’m a retard on Twitter! Yes, you can mock me on social media now here: @GoftheInternet

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Make sure you tell’em “Jorge” sent you. I will give you a shout out, maybe even get herpes! Hey, free herpes! It’s a win-win situation, right?

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This Smackdown Review Appears on Three Sites!

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WTF?

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When will Joe noticed I changed this section? Maybe on BWF Radio, this Sunday at 2 PM EST? Which Sunday?

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Shameless Plugs!

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