Home ▸ SmackDown ▸ Smackdown 07/12/13

One thing I can say, is that I’m glad this is a go-home Smackdown episode. Nothing really will be established and I can rip through it in record time. Since I plan on hitting up the world famous Calgary Stampede for an annual day-night of debauchery, I should get my ass to Mars sooner than later anyways.

Hopping time…close enough for me!

“I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s Smackdown reviews work. And as J.T. Hogan has observed, it often makes more sense than the program you are actually watching. This is not a play-by-play recap, there’s enough of those online. This is a highly-opinionated take of the show in question.

– No voice over guy again this week. Perhaps since the WWE parodied TNA’s Gutcheck segment on RAW this week, they are taking a break from mimicking them? I’m taking a break from all the gimmicks I do in my reviews too, so I guess we’re even, huh WWE? I’ll still bring the gif love, though. I’m not that cruel.

– * Daniel Bryan vs. Christian. Right into the match, and Christian’s stage screen doesn’t display him as Michael Mcgillicutty as it did on RAW. Peeps versus goats, I suppose. The match has a good start, building up intensity as it should. And while we hit commercials with Christian laid outside the ring, it comes courtesy a sick looking flying knee to the head courtesy of D-Bry. Things return to messy sick moves and referee counting. He’s clearly been paying attention to Sheamus’ lessons. An amusing spot has Bryan exchanging kicks to Christian’s knee, while Christian returns the favor with slaps to the face. In a very solid match, Bryan ultimately submits Christian with a No Lock!

Oops.

– The rest of tonight’s card looks to be very redundant.

– The Ghost of Teddy Long is talking with someone on the phone, and Dolph Ziggler shows up to chat. News for Ziggler, he has the night off. Since ADR is wrestling later tonight, Teddy does not want any interference. Vickie Guerrero was fired on Monday and for some reason Teddy thinks if a run in occurs tonight he’ll be fired. The fuck? A logic gap so wide…

A goddamn broom.

– * Jey Uso vs. Seth Rollins. Getting the hype up for the pre-show Youtube match? Great. Seth Rollins more or less dominates this (as he should) to start. Jey gets a wee bit of offensive attacks in, as he “Samoas Up” no selling a few chops. Jey continues with a Rikishi-esque ass attack to a prone Rollins in the corner, and a near fall with some kind of finisher. But Rollins comes back and wraps up this four minute match. The Shield stand atop the announcer table displaying their belts.

– * Non-Title Match: Curtis Axel {C} vs. Chris Jericho. Again, potential for a good little match. But a meaningless one at that. Non-title, whoop dee doo. Notwithstanding, it’s still a highly watchable match. Paul Heyman’s facials take the cake, as the two deliver in the match. Jericho is doing his best to help make this guy (albeit, is too much damage already been done?). Axel ultimately is counted out and Jericho wins. I don’t think that helped Axel’s push at all, and I have to wonder if he will retain the title on Sunday…

That’s how it’s down. Screw the gun.

– No plot development really this week, as we just once again hop into another bout. I’m not complaining, but am having a tough time with being invested since all the matches of significance are on Sunday. Regardless, it’s a nice break from some of the crap this show can deliver on occasion.

@Charles Barkley @G: “What I’m saying, G, is that I’m convinced if I put the Kane mask on, I can win the MitB match.”

@G @Charles Barkley: “I am still convinced people will know you’re not him. Plus he’s out of the match.”

– * Ryback vs. The Miz. Yawn. FFW on 2/5. The highlight of the match is when Ryback feigns his knee injury shtick like when he couldn’t finish the match, then takes out Miz with the ShellShock. Post match he continues to sell his injury. I don’t know what to think about this.

– Backstage Renee Young interviews Unmixed Strawberry Yogurt about the All Star MitB match. Sheamus rambles on about how the Irish chased the snakes out of Ireland, and not being afraid of heights. He promises to win and take the briefcase. Then he hits on Renee a bit. Great.

Sometimes you have to slow down and smell the foot kicking you in the face.

– Teddy Long is in the ring with a whole lotta Divas for a contract signing between AJ Lee and Kaitlyn. AJ notes that no one cared about the Diva division until she won the title (sadly true). AJ is cut off from her rant by Long to shut up and sign the contract. AJ continues to berate Kaitlyn and lists off her messages to her secret admirer which buries Natalya, The Funkadactyls, and further cyber bullying. AJ attempts to use this to manipulate Kaitlyn into backing down. Nope. Kaitlyn drops the “C” word, gets a smack from AJ. So Kaitlyn shoves the table and AJ seated on the other side into the corner of the ring trapping her!! Then she proceeds to pummel the shit out of her, until Biggie Smalls pulls her off the table. Wow! That was surprisingly entertaining and awesome. Well, I’ll be damned. I’m more interested in that than anything I’ve seen tonight.

Give the guy a break, he’s dead after all.

– * Fandango vs. Wade Barrett. Another match I could give a shit about. I’ll watch it, that’s part of the deal. But not with my FULL attention. What to say here… hmm… Coulter is on commentary with Swagger and Cesaro standing looking on. Team Rhodes Scholars comes out and starts yelling at them, this distracts Barrett, and Fandango rolls up Barrett for the win. Wow.

It’s not his fault.

– Clips of the Bray Wyatt family debut on RAW. Great stuff, loved the segment. Hated the “Husky Harris” chants, but fuck those smarks. They’re probably the same pricks online complaining about the WWE not making new stars. Good job, fuckwads.

– * Alberto Del Rio vs. Sin Cara. Why? Blue lights last seconds, fortunately, since most people hate those. Sin Cara starts heavy and hard on the offensive, and is surprisingly awesome, but that’s because it’s Dolph Ziggler under the mask. The announcers act the fool, but last time I checked, Sin Cara doesn’t have blond hair. EXCUSE ME! The fuck? Vickie is back shrieking about being fired, and that Teddy Long should be fired for this. I think, I can’t understand her. Teddy Long makes his way out. “On Monday Night, Stephanie McMahon had two words for you: You’re fired. Well, tonight I have one word for you: Security!”. She is escorted from the arena, and lord knows how in storyline mode she actually was allowed into the building. Oh well, that was surprisingly fun. Next up? Yawn.

Not so fast fella, Goat powers include amazing agility and speed.

– Teddy Long walks up to Sin Cara asking him why he’s here, thinking it was Dolph Ziggler. Then Ziggler jumps into the shot, thanking Long for the night off. Shenanigans involving Ziggler and Sin Cara? Weird. Just plain weird.

App? App? App?

– * Sheamus vs. Randy Orton (Fandango Classic Rematch!). Fuck this. Remember WHY the fans started doing the dance on the RAW after WM29? Because, this. I FFW through all of this. Until the end when Daniel Bryan runs out, pulls a ladder from beneath the ring and uses it to hit both the robot and the yogurt simultaneously. He then proceeds to go for the briefcase (for some reason), but Sheamus thwarts him. Then Christian runs in, more thwarting, but is reverse thwarted. Another reverse thwart. Daniel Bryan pushes the ladder over, tossing Captain Charisma to the outside, attempts to climb, Nope! Randall Keith Orton Cheeseburger’s the Goat and climbs for the fake MitB contract. Orton gets it, but IT MEANS NOTHING! He stares at it intensely, possibly wondering why the hell this is the end of the show.

I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.

The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.

Tell me I’m a retard on Twitter! Yes, you can mock me on social media now here: @GoftheInternet

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WTF?

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When will Joe noticed I changed this section? Maybe on BWF Radio, this Sunday at 2 PM EST? Which Sunday?

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Shameless Plugs!

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