Home ▸ SmackDown ▸ Smackdown: 07/16/10: G’s Apartment Pretends to Burn Down.

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Hey, it’s Friday night and you know what that means…. choke down ecstasy and dance all night to hard trance music? Well, no… no thanks. It means G suffers through his long shift at work, then comes back and suffers through Smackdown for you. And this is the go home SD before Sunday’s PPV… which I won’t even be stealing since I’ll be getting sloshed at the Calgary Stampede… count on it!

– Kofi Kingston kicks things off with Cody “Mrs. Dash” Rhodes.

I find it absolutely appropriate that this stuff looks like gold, umm… dust. I win the worst joke award!!! YES!!!

– Meh, things get underway… it’s okay to start, but just before we hit commercials, Kofi is draped over the top ropes dangling with his head inside the ring… so Cody punts the dude in the skull and to the outside. Nice spot… ads ensue, FFW is also involved. We return to Mrs. Dash with an abdominal stretch (i.e. commercial break recess) on Kofi. Matt Striker reminds us Cody Rhodes does not wear knee pads yet. And thinks that will be a factor at the PPV match. A shit, spoke too soon… another abdominal stretch… Alright, both on the top ropes, punches to Rhodes and then a cross body splash to the fallen Dash. PYRO!!!! Kane enters and chokeslams both men into oblivion…

OBLIVION!!!! CHOKE ON THE COSMIC DUST, WHAT WILL BECOME OF US?

-Kane tells us there will be a bludgeoning tonight, and that Swagger is a liar. See, last week ol’ Swags told Kane he would prove his alibi for not being the Samoan who took out the Undertaker…

– After a quick pause to listen to Oblivion (love that song), I continue the torture that is professional wrestling… And I return to Josh Matthews interviewing Rey Mysterio in lieu of the awesome attack on him by Jack Swagger. Rey tells us he is going to go forfeit his title tonight… just kidding jerkass (the jerkass being Matthews), Rey is going to totally risk further injury at the PPV!! Yeah! Career ending injuries all around!! Cut to Jack Swagger watching Mysterio’s interview whilst speaking to someone on his cell phone (his father, trust me, I read the dirt sheets).

AND HIS FATHER IS…..

WAIT FOR IT….

WAIT FOR IT…

SERIOUSLY, STOP SCROLLING AND TAKE A BREATH AND WAIT…

IT’S….

Yeah, I made up this part. But wouldn’t THAT be fucking awesome? His “dad” will be here tonight though, just not in awesome Busey form…

– We get some Money in the Bank LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLadder match hilights. I grab a cold cold beer. Mmm… We return to a match between Christian and Drew McIntyre building up their appearances in the MitB matchup for Smackdown. I’m a Christian mark, so you know I am all over trying to YouTube Captain Charisma after Sunday. OWW!!! Christian was seated on the top ropes and McIntyre literally shoved him head-over-heels to the outside!!! I don’t think he landed very cleanly either. Then we cut to commercials so…

– We return to some nice action, immediately accelerated by Christian hitting a seated swinging DDT on McIntyre from the top ropes! Another DDT on McIntyre!! DROP KICK! Christian can’t get him in numerous pun attempts, so goes to the top and leaps… right into a boot from the Scotsman. So McIntyre goes for a suplex from the second rope but Christian reverses into a flipping school boy… NO!!!! Fuck this is a good match! Christian again goes high up, landing some spinny punch thing (I think he fucked up), goes for the Killswitch… SICK DDT ON CHRISTIAN AS THE HIGHLANDER PICKS UP THE WIN! Great match!!

Yeah, the moral here was to stay off the top ropes I guess? Nah… that’s why I watch…

– Another Alberto Del Rio segment… I love these, it’s a throwback to the old school wrestling I watched as a kid in the eighties… good times… Reganomics, Thatcherism, and Mulrooney-money (I guess, the last one was all I’ve got for my Canucklehead Prime Minister of the era). Then of course, we were raped by recession that destroyed my teenage years… stupid short-sighted capitalism ignoring the inevitability of death of the status quo as we descended into globalization…

We don’t go to hell, memories of us do… If you go to hell, I’ll still remember you….

– CM Punk stands in the ring with SES including the masked mystery man… he rips on the audience as per usual, as well as people thinking there is dissension in the ranks… only to be interrupted by the Big Show who comes bearing gifts of ladders. Punk is hilarious as he talks over Show’s music saying things like, “hello? I’m talking here!”

“You’re speaking to them? I thought you were out here trying to put them to sleep […] what does S.E.S. stand for? Snoozing Every Second?”

– Show is fantastic as of late. He was always good on the microphone, but damn, it seems like he has been THAT much better over the last year or so. “I want to see you go up the ladder and see you do a 450 off of it,” retorts Punk, but noting it as his weight. This is a great bit as Show shills the PPV. Show asks the crowd if they want to see him climb the ladder and touch the brief case, and as he attempts he literally breaks the first rung. Show gets the small ladder instead. Punk comments as Show points out that as a giant he breaks everything (including ex-girlfriends… ha haaha he said that PG TV!!!). TV people bring out an industrial sized monstrosity of a ladder. He points out this 350 pound ladder he had built for this match that can withhold 2000 pounds! What a nice visual!!!

This is a nice visual too…

– The Mystery Man leads an attack on Show after a bloody wicked promo. Punk climbs the Show’s ladder as the SES beatdown the giant. Not enough! As Punk straddles the ladder, his team is destroyed and an angry Paul runs up the ladder and catches him in a chokehold and demasks him!! Punk is still bald? What the fuck? He is clean shaven? Ok, that part was retarded, you’d think he’d be letting his hair grow out by this point? Sort of like that reference in 500 Up from Sloan. It must be Canadian music reference night, since:

All they really care about is growing their hair, and getting it cut.  She don’t know what it means, she just know it’s not what it seems.

– Fuck, I love that song… and watch the drummer “play” the drums in the opening verse… funny stuff.

– Oh for fuck sakes… my apartment is apparently “on fire,” which means I will have to abandon this review and leave the premises. I don’t buy it, but that’s what is going on… so I am publishing this now so people know that I died and you never hear from me again what’s going on….

– Fucking false alarm… had a nice chat with a dude in my building about all of the bullshit we’ve dealt with here over the years… for the record, $140 and change, 1 1/2 packs of cigars, lighter, clip-on sunglasses, cellphone and my laptop made it out with me… and I had a cold beer in my back pocket.

Moving on….

– Sigh… now I’ve been up too late. Yeah I’m alive, and I guess I might as well continue this suffering. SEE PEOPLE? I SUFFER FOR YOU. Speaking of which, Jack Swagger continues to talk to his father about needing the evidence and concedes to his pops who is en route.

– Mixed man tag with Layla and Trent Whatshisnut versus Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly and Chris Masters. Really? Fuck this noise, match skipped.

– I guess Kelly got the win or something… no one cares.

Moving on….

– Matt Hardy comes out to address the audience in regards to the MitB and promises “when” he wins he will cash in his shot that very night. Yeah, ok. Thanks Matt. Commercials blissfully ensue… And we return to another Alberto Del Rio bit. Wow, they’ve filmed like 12948091385490234785902 of these (and yes I love all of them but…), if this guy doesn’t rule in the ring they have certainly wasted ALOT of time on hyping him. This one was particularly awesome in that he compares himself to such greatness that it changes people’s lives that they named their children after him. Seriously though dude, expectations are high… don’t suck.

– Fuckballs… Dolph “Ziggy” Ziggler is out to take on Hardy in a match. And yes, Dolph has that hoss Vickie with him…. I’m not smarking out for this bout, prove me wrong gents…. PROVE ME WRONG!

Not what I was looking for, yet oddly relevant. So I posted it. I told you, I write this as I watch, deal with it.

– We return from commercials and the “match” is underway… I don’t know if it’s me being up too late or not, but nothing exciting to start us off. Ziggler kind of dominates this one. Vickie attempts to be a MILF, failing mind you, as the two show us why neither should win anything. Bad matchup. Although Dolph sells the “Side Effect” move incredibly well. He stands vertically on his neck like Tommy Dreamer sells a DDT. That was pretty cool. Vickie finds a way to distract the referee allowing for Dolph to pick up is disturbing win. Meh… should have skipped this…

– Swagger’s “evidence” shows up, and it’s some old school dude from WCW that I can’t recall at this time due to alcohol and apartments-feigning-being-burned-down-after-a-long-shift-hyphens… and stuff. Help me out fellow smarks, I know I’ve seen buddy (his “dad”) from WCW…

– Final segment… the Kane confrontation thingy. Swag’s dad is the mystery guy… told you, dirt sheets never lie… except when they do, meh. We get a bunch of exhibits of their history. Pretty funny this time around, the old dude helps make it better… After two of these exhibit A’s and B’s, Kane comes down to get to the point since G’s apartment pretended to burn down tonight, Kane’s like all fuck this stuff… another exhibit, so that’s C. Kane goes for the chokeslam… old man gets involved, Swagger turns it around and puts Kane in the mother fucking ANGLE LOCK (previously owned by Ken Shamrock, etc….). Everyone’s favorite injured Lucha Libre sensation Rey Mysterio makes the save. Undertaker is still dead…. Kane locks on a double chokeslam on both Swaggers… but Jacky boy makes it out leaving his old man in the ring for the kill… Kane kills said old man (again, who the fuck is that again?) while his “son” looks on like a bitch. I would’ve taken one for my old man, so fuck Swagger. My apartment pretended to burn down asshole! Kane’s not done… Swagger walks away? Dick. Kane tombstones the dude!!! PYRO!!! OLD PEOPLE ARE DEAD!!!

INSERT WRESTLEMANS LOGO HERE

– WWE logo comes up and I’m out… hoping not to awaken on god damn fire….

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