Home ▸ SmackDown ▸ Smackdown 07/19/13

Damien Sandow! Randall Keith Orton? The fuck? It’s all part of the plan folks. Trust me. I never lie in my Smackdown reviews. Well maybe half the time.

Hopping time!

“I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s Smackdown reviews work. And as J.T. Hogan has observed, it often makes more sense than the program you are actually watching. This is not a play-by-play recap, there’s enough of those online. This is a highly-opinionated take of the show in question. Also, go fuck yourself, RAW review.

– No voice over guy. He’s still dead. The Ghost of Teddy Long is hovering in the ring. The appiration discusses the new hire of Braddox Mad as the GM of Uncooked Meat. Vince McMahon is going to arrive at the arena tonight to give Long a job evaluation. As the spectre attempts to woo (boo?) the crowd, Broken Tee returns! He thanks Long for covering his job while he was hanging out with Charles Barkley in jail. “NO CHANGE! EXACT AMOUNTS ONLY AFTER 10 PM!” That’s right, Vince makes his way out! He notes only one person can be in charge of Smackdown. He wants to be impressed, and asked Long what match he would make. Curtis Axel vs Chris Jericho for the I.C. title, states the poltergeist. Booker’s suggestion is ADR vs Randy Orton. Braddox Mad runs out to interrupt and wants a word with Vince before he makes his decision, thinking he should ALSO be the GM of Smackdown. Vince then announces the permanent GM of Smackdown is Vickie Guerrero. Vickie goes off on the crowd since she was fired because of the WWE APP. She hates them, and you fine reader, but not me (because I’m so likeable). J.T. is seen in the audience holding up a sign that says, “Dolphins1925 totally predicted this sign.” I check Reddit, yup. It’s true!

The date is actually a Thursday too… I checked before I made it.

– * Dolph Ziggler vs. Jack Swagger. Swiggler is already in the ring accompanied by Zeb Soul-Train and Anthony Kiedis. The two former roommates go straight to battle, bringing up past issues of whose turn it is to wash the dishes and take out the garbage, and who took a shit in the sink a couple nights ago. In all seriousness, a bit of heeltastic tactics lead to Ziggler getting cheap-shotted by Coulter and Cesaro, so the zebra-man sends them off to grab drive-thru for section B-12 of the arena. J.T. is seen in the audience holding up a Jorge, who is holding up a sign that reads, “Extra pickles, bitch!”. This distraction allows Ziggler to finish Swagger and grab the clean pin. Ziggler grabs a microphone, and notes he dumped AJ on Monday and is: “Sorry… sorry [he] didn’t do it a hell of a lot sooner!”

– Cut to backstage where Biggie Smalls goes console AJ, but she starts flipping out tossing random empty folding chairs (ones, they COULD HAVE BEEN SITTING IN!!), and smashing the ground repeatedly. Biggie eventually gets her in an embrace and hug, and they tease a little romance. Biggie then slowly backs off as AJ looks infected. ThinkSoZombiEJoE shambles by Biggie and asks, “Hey man, did you give her the Z-virus?” Biggie shakes his head. They exchange zombie gang signs and gestures, because you know… Biggie Smalls is dead. ThinkSoZombiEJoE then pushes a button we haven’t seen in a while, and argle bargles into his shreded utility vest handset, “Team Beta, engage…”

Sounds like a plan.

– * Non-Title Match: The Shield (Luther Reigns and Henry Rollins) {C} vs. The Usos. The Shield make their way down through the arena, pausing briefly in arena, section B-12, to grab some fries and soda from Zeb Coulter and Anthony Bourdain. The Usos do their dance, but it’s not enough as Dean Ambrose makes it a 3 on 2. Enter The World’s Hungriest Man, who FUCKING EATS THE SHIELD’S FRIES AND SODA, and then clears the ring while squishing all the ketchup packets on the ground with mad fury. “Think you’re strong!” screams Ambrose as he leaves. “That’s what I do!” retorts Henry. Ambrose points at the ketchup all over the ring apron, “pick that up,” and leaves cackling like a… umm… JTHogan? Cocktalk, every Sunday at 2PM EST on BWF Radio folks, check us out.

– * Wade Barrett vs. Daniel Bryan. Barrett is already in the ring to start. He opted to trade an entrance for ad space time to shill the newest flavor line of Barrett Barrage Energy Bars. It’s Diet-Impact flavored, and is listed as containing 100% less D-Lo Brown Sugar than the regular edition. Bryan, on the other hand, makes his entrance after LeBron Cena made his decision on RAW to wrasslormonkey him for all the Bellas.

The Bellas know what’s up.

– Barrett starts off strong, beating down Bryan. But this only angers the goat man, who unleashes a fury of kicks not seen since Chun Li of SFII. Then he flips off the top rope over Barrett, swings on the Brit, pulling him to the ground and submitting him with the No! Lock for the win! Whelp, that was short, and certainly solidified the peckering order, huh?

– Ryback heads over to Arena section B-12. Looks a piles of empty fastfood bags, hangs his head depressed and hungry. He then looks up at the hard camera and a lone tear rolls down his face. Immediately, he then time travels back to a day after the original Woodstock and begins eating all the garbage those hippies left. See? At least he’s good for something.

DIG IT!

– Maddox runs down Vickie in a white hummer, while receiving a hummer, and humming MC Hammer’s, “Pray.” Brad says since both of them are GMs now, that makes them even. Fake handshake, into a slap and Vickie picks up a clean win!

– The Miz Show (or whatever it’s fucking called, who cares) featuring Paul Heyman. Miz, something, something… enter Paul Heyman! He’s here to address smashing a chair into CM Punks head at MitB, and then summoning a Broke Leper to attack Punk who was not able to stab the hell spawn demon with his microphone on Monday. Miz acts like a little bitch, wisely taking all the spotlight off himself and allowing Heyman to attempt to teach Mizarny how to cut a promo. Heyman is very cordial and claims he still has love for his former best friend. “Stay down. Go home Leave the WWE universe forever…” and so forth, because if doesn’t, Brock Lesnar will take those action as a threat and will fuck him up. Heyman does it vastly better than I could. Then Miz plays the “really” card. Miz claims to be revolted by Heyman and his lying. Then Miz drops the microphone and walks out in silence. Heyman picks up said microphone, and likes to introduce him to Curtis Axel, who makes his way down to the ring to face the already departed Y2J.

@Charles Barkley @G: “I called this segment, ‘Stock Talk’.”

@G @Charles Barkley: “Well played.”

– * IC Title Match: Curtis Axel {C} vs. Chris Jericho. Before I can even watch the match, I am abducted by Aces and Eights for about a half an hour, tossed into the back of an open air slow moving truck, with no real repercussions, rhyme or reason, nor any Impact on the show. When I return, I notice Jorge is in my apartment with a guest.

G: Hey Jorge, I notice you helped yourself to some All-Dressed Ruffles chips. Who is this?
Jorge: Yeah, this is Mark. We’re on a date. Something about a match with JT Hogan.
Mark: Hi! Nice place you have here, except the carpet. It’s covered with water and random debris.
G: We Canadians clean our places differently than most. Hey how was the Curtis Axel and Chris Jericho match?
Jorge: Well, first they replayed Vickie Guerrero being hired as the new GM again. Man she is so hot…
Mark: I love watching things I already just saw less than an hour ago.
G: So did they wrestle or what? I’m not going to rewind or anything.
Jorge: The first half of the match was pretty solid. Like a Jason Newsted bassline (Note to audience, his new band “Newsted” has an album out). They were all over the place, in and outside the ring exchange all styles of wrestling.
Mark: It was kind of like Jericho was in the Midway during the last hour of the last day of the annual fair trying to get as many rides in as possible, but avoiding all the ones that suck. He was clearly the lead dance partner. Paul Heyman’s facials were awesome!
G: Ha ha! So Fandango hit is finisher on Heyman?
Mark: What?
Jorge: G calls Fandango’s finishing move the Bukkake sometimes. It’s in his review rules.
G: So how did the second half of the match go?
Mark: That’s nasty, G. By the way, it looks like you were bit by something, I’m pretty sure that’s gangrene on your leg.
G: I was hanging with ThinkSoZombiEJoE the other day, actually. That’s how he says hello… continue.
Mark: Jericho really made an effort to help make Curtis Axel Rose. The crowd was clearly popping for Jericho, but the wily Winnipegger made sure to include desperation pin attempts and sell for Axel at all of the right times.
Jorge: And, just when it looked like Jericho was going to lock in the Walls of Jericho, Heyman interfered… so he made a second attempt, which Axel crawled and fought for a long time to the rope break. Axel inevitably landed a bicycle kick to Jericho as he re-entered the ring, hit the finish and won the match.
G: Sounds like I missed a pretty awesome match!
Mark: Yes, why yes you did. Are you not supposed to be reviewing this for BoredWrestlingFan.com?
G: I was busy being abducted.
Jorge: Ryback entered at the end of the match and pushed around the fallen Jericho.
Mark: This is how they wrote him off television. Ryback hit his Meathook and the Shellshock.
Jorge: Alright Mark, I’m taking you dancing!
Mark: To the skies!

– And just like that, they rode off the edge of my third floor apartment balcony in an over-sized Big Wheels two seater with the trunk open exposing the bodies of the people they murdered before they got here.

That subtle smile before he yells…

– Damien Sandow is out in a suit, unabashed by the disdain of the unwashed masses to gloat with his briefcase of awesome promos. He defends himself, and notes he did not screw Cody. He puts over his best friend, and invites him to come out to address the attacks on Monday. Sandow forgives Rhodes for the attacks, and apologizes for being the one to win the briefcase. But then, he gets remarkably arrogant, and bestows the honor to Cody of being the protector of the case until that time in which Sandow chooses to cash it in. Rhodes feigns sincere acceptance and then clocks Sandow in the head with it, sending the Intellectual Savior packing, and tossing said case far up the entry ramp. Great segment!

Authentic!

– Summerslam is brought to you by Doritos “Jacked”. LOL. Should be Jakked, right? I don’t miss the dayz when everything in wrasslin wuz spult rong.

– * Darren Young vs. Rob Van Dam (Sharknado match). Seriously? Who the fuck do you think won? I’m a huge RVD mark, and even still enjoyed his matches in TNA when he was jaded and out of shape. He looked great since he returned, though. Titus Oneil is enjoying being at ringside with his whistle. You have to wonder how much this distracted RVD during this bout, as he was probably constantly looking around for Bill Alfonso. J.T. is seen in the audience holding up a sign that says, “Joe ate Alfonzo. That’s his remains in the corner beside the announcer table!” Young gets a little bit of offensive in, but this ends with a 5 Star Frogsplash.

– Vickie is talking on her phone in her office, and has summons Teddy Long. She notes the abusive relationship they’ve had over the years and pretends to make things right between them. It’s just a ruse to get security, but they run off frightened. Special Ops are called in. Dr. Egon Spengler and Winston Zeddmore cross the streams, but still manage to capture The Ghost of Teddy Long in a ghost trap. Dr. Peter Venkman hits on Vickie, while Slimer and Ryback have a hotdog eating competition that never… ever… ends.

Shop smart. Shop S-Mart..

– * Non-Title Match: Alberto Del Rio {C} vs. Randy Orton. I can’t say I’m excited for this match. This is like Sheamus versus Orton. Just with less Fella. I’m hardly watching this match, just posting results unless something really significant happens. A lucha libre wrestler runs out from the crowd, hopping the guard rail, wearing a red and white mask and a BWF shirt. He proceeds to stab both ADR and Randall Keith Orton in their foreheads repeatedly with a fork! Holy Abby moment! That was pretty awesome, actually. Orton hits an RKO for the win. Whoop dee doo.

I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.

The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.

Tell me I’m a retard on Twitter! Yes, you can mock me on social media now here: @GoftheInternet

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WTF?

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When will Joe noticed I changed this section? Probably not. He might also be oiling himself up since on BWF Radio, we use all the dead seals to convince Jorge to join facebook to keep Joe shiny. Maybe on BWF Radio, this Sunday at 2 PM EST? Which Sunday?

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Shameless Plugs!

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