Home ▸ SmackDown ▸ Smackdown 07/25/14

Plan H!

G’s prediction for the Ambrose/Rollins match last Sunday: “I reallly want this match to happen…uhh so… it won’t. Because wrestling hates me… and God hates wrestling fans, Barks.” Sadly I got that part right. :/ Fuck you WWE. Sadly after that quote, I thought Kane would interfere and bullshit would be had. Turns out bullshit was had more swiftly. Dean Ambrose can see through metal now. And Seth Rollins tends to forget about his job. He only had one. Plan B. He selfishly left the arena for no reason at all. Because logic.

“I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. I don’t just do results, more what is going on while I watch the show…”.

– * Non-Title Match: The Usos {C} vs. Ryback and Curtis Axel. For fucks sake, THIS again? Don’t get me wrong, it’s a decent match. But without the titles on the line… you know it’s filler. And it completely represents the problem with the WWE to it’s core over the last couple years. During the commercial break, we get an ad for the house show in my city of Calgary. I have absolutely no interest in going, as I know all I will get is repetition of what I see on TV. Why spend money on that? At least the nachos and salsa I am eating right now are good.

She came to see Batista.

– Returning from commercial break sees the heels are playing the isolation game with a random Uso brother, I think it’s Curley Uso (brother #4,232). Cole tells us it was Jimmy. I call bullshit, because Jimmy died in issue #67 when The JLA was off fighting adult fights and left the twins at the homebase. Lex Luther invaded and murdered him in warm blood. Our match ends when random Uso brother rolls up Axel.

Nom nom nom…

– Cole then tells us all about the Nikki Bella nipple slip on RAW that saw Stephanie get arrested for improper use of breast implants. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve seen some nice side-boob in my time, but I’m pretty sure they belong on the front side of the body. Hers were almost hunchback of Notre Dame side-boobage.

Beautiful!

– We get a did you know bit that tells us Battleground was the most socially active on all of TV…. which makes no sense, because it is on The Network, which is actually NOT TV. It’s more or less New Media and falls under the category of an internet service. Rubbish.

– Miz TV. He get Miz’s acceptance speech for his I.C. Title win. He then treats it like an Academy Award. Referring to it as a nomination. Then he talks to his parents in the audience (same ones as last time). They banter, but then Miz asks his Mom who her favorite Wrestler is, she responds “Roman Reigns”. He then shout outs his wife, and says he is coming home with the gold.

– He is interrupted by Bo Dallas… who says it’s ok that Bo wasn’t thanked, but knows that Miz won because he Bo-lieved. Miz says they should do lunch. Enter Dolph Ziggler… Ziggler sarcastically notes to act like he’s won before, and that the reason Bo and Miz are both full of shit. Violence erupts, and Dallas cheap shots Ziggler.

This is a wrestling blog, after all.

– * Bo Dallas vs. Dolph Ziggler. Miz is on commentary, and takes away from the match as he and Cole just argue back and forth, taking me out of the match. Dallas sells a swinging DDT from Ziggler beautifully. Bo looks like he is done after taking a Zig Zag, but kicks out for the nearfall. Miz interferes… almost, retreating to save “The Money Maker”, but this allows for Bo to sneak a rollup win over Dolph. As Bo does his victory lap, he runs into Zigglers foot, and then Miz sends Dolph head first into the ring post.

– Renee speaks with Roman Reigns who shrugs off baby Orton and Daddy HHH, noting nobody can stop him. When asked about facing ADR later tonight, Reigns replies, “He better have a plan, because I have the punch”. Decent for Roman Reigns. The microphone work is still subpar, but improving.

Alladin=WWE. Bread=Ambrose vs Rollins

– * No DQ Match: Cesaro vs. Dean Ambrose. More or less a rematch from RAW, but now with a stip. It was a nice thing to see and fresh. I’m sure this will be the thing on Smackdown worth going back to watch if you watch anything. This one gets violent and “weapony” fast as Ambrose pulls like 5 steel chairs out from under the ring. Cesaro nails him with a kendo stick… up and over the announce table and brawling! Then Ambrose takes an announcer chair and tosses to ring side. After adverse inverted ads, we return to see Cesaro choking out Ambrose with a kendo stick, and then tosses him onto two upright steel chairs facing each other. More kendo shots follow… and in a neat little moment, Cesaro fishes off Ambroses’ dog tags onto the kendo stick, and nails him! Ambrose gets his own share of retaliation. Yeah, watch this match.

– Ambrose sets up two steel chairs, this time with the backs of them facing each other… Cesaro’s head into one, and then backdrops him into the other! More and more violence ensues until Ambrose puts at least 12 chairs into the ring… and then Seth attacks! But Ambrose fends him off, clotheslining him over the ring barricade. Both men find themselves atop a ring post, and Cesaro superplexes Ambrose onto the blanket of chairs!!! It’s not enough, and as Cesaro goes to attempt something else, ROLLUP WIN FOR AMBROSE. Three in a row tonight folks. Rollins attacks Ambrose with Cesaro post match. Rollins screams at Ambrose “When are you going to learn to stay down!?!?” Then he Curb Stomps him.

– Paige/AJ Lee package. FFW.

– * Naomi vs. Paige. Meanwhile both are feuding with other Divas… so that is likely where this one is going. “Just to set the record straight,” begins Paige pre-match, “AJ and I are still friends. AJ, I like you. And I like you!” she finishes talking to Naomi. Cameron’s music hits, the bell rings and Paige picks up a cheap win and skips away. Cameron assaults Naomi post match. Nothing to see here folks, unless you like banshee shrieks that will pierce your ear drums and souls.

– Another nonsensical segment with Goldust and Stardust. Goldie is a wizard or some shit in this one. Stardust is a nebula. Lots of foreward movement in this program I assure you not.

Directed by Michael Bay.

– R-Truth raps his way out to the ring. Haven’t heard that in a while…

– “Orlando, we’re here…”

– * Bray Wyatt vs. R-Truth. Both men start off over with the crowd and trade their own unique flying crossbody splashes (which frankly is pretty cool, Frank). But it’s really short. Bray hits a quick Sister Abigail FTW, and his swamp family enters… “R-Truth was there for you when you needed him, Chris Jericho…” begins Bray, asking where Y2J is? “SAVE US JERICHO!” he bellows on his knees as the horror segue ends the segment.

I see you Virgil, I just don’t care, dude, brother, dude.

– Stephanie Orange-Is-The-New-Black update (insert spray tan joke here).

– * Roman Reigns vs. Alberto Del Rio. This happens. It’s a pale comparison to Cesaro/Ambrose. But it’s not terrible to say the least. ADR is a good enough worker to help Reigns go long. Roman is able to play off his strengths as a result. I think these two could work a short program for a little while (HEY WWE, A SHORT WHILE MEANS A MONTH, NOT A YEAR!). Reigns hits his spear for the finish and this shit it over.

I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.

The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.

I land my finisher, the “Delete Recording” and call it a night.

Tell me I’m a retard on Twitter! Yes, you can mock me on social media now here: @GoftheInternet

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WTF?

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Sept 6, 2013. I am a clone of G. I am currently handcuffed to one of the lower legs of G’s sofa in his apartment. Yesterday, while the real G was at work, monkey nearby shrieked at me to attempt to lift the sofa. It worked! I went to thank the monkey located in an open-doored cage on the stairs leading down to the basement of G’s basement apartment, and noticed a large man strapped into a chair in the basement. I then heard the original G returning home. I need to find his magical device that created me…

Sept 13, 2013. The real Gee has noticed my writing. That stupid fuck hasn’t deleted anything, but he did taze me repeatedly. I still think there is a monkey held captive on the stairs to the second level of this building.
Sept 20, 2013. Made progress today. Discovered some kind of cloning device. I used it to clone the device itself, and hid the copy under the couch I am “hand-cuffed” to. The monkey saw this, but I don’t think he’ll say anything. He’s a monkey, after all. Some dude named Johnny Storm stopped by to say hi. Weird.

Sept 27, 2013. An obese man who claims to be famous magically appeared in the living room today. He told me the cloning gadget I made a copy of has the powers to do much more. Sounded like a bunch of crap to me. I immediately knocked him out and tied him up beside the one the “real” G calls “Barks.” Both look the same. I killed the new guy and fed him to the other captives. I think. They both look the same. All of that future-talk and preventing the death of kayfabe annoyed me. Either way, one of the “Barks” was dinner. He tasted like chicken. Big surprise there.

Oct 4, 2013. So I guess the guy I fed to his doppleganger was actually able to escape last week with help from that J.T. guy. He was screaming something about “his” chair. Either way, G is pissed and punished me all week. He said something about maybe sending me to Fall Camp. I decided to not make any decisive moves. It seems for the best. Just like the WWE, I guess, albeit “best” isn’t the “best” word I’d use to describe the product.

Oct 18, 2013. It’s been a while since I’ve been able to write here. G has been continually sending me off to ancient historical eras to collect random artifacts. I don’t understand why a stool sample from Henry Hudson is so important. And what was the point of leaving a smoke bomb in the front hall of the Palace of Versailles on May 6, 1682? I’m told I’m going to have to… gotta go. He’s home.

Nov. 8, 2013. I’ve been sent on a bunch of weird missions. The most weird was when G sent me back to 2008. See, I snuck former PM Tony Blair into Buckingham Palace and stapled old-people-face to his kind of already old-people-face. No one has noticed even until today. I still don’t understand why he made me do that.

Nov. 15, 2013. This last week was even more bizarre. He made me put on some suit and a red tie and shave my head, and then pretend to be in control of his weekly scab collecting group. I burst in, and told the vice president and current scab champion collector that I was in charge. We bickered back and forth for a while, and then G kicked in the door dressed in drag and began shrieking that since he was the vice president of the chess club next door he was taking over. Very odd.

Dec. 6, 2013: Charles Barkley recently abducted me and took me on a cruise ship with him. We circumvented the planet, stopping at various ports-of-call, and living the high life again. It was really awesome. Then sadly, today, I awoke only to find myself back on the couch of G’s apartment. Was it all a dream?

Dec. 13, 2013. Nope, not a dream. In fact somewhat of a nightmare. This week I was forced to go to work for G while he vigorously stayed home masturbating (I can only assume) and eating nachos. Work sucked. Firstly, I am not trained to do anything G actually does at his jobs, so I looked like a complete idiot. Oddly enough, some fellow who has a Bruce Springsteen complex and calls himself “The Boss” told me that my work had shown significant improvement today. I am pretty sure G’s jobs don’t involve a body count, though.

Dec 20, 2013. Just got back from a reconnaissance mission to infiltrate Charles Barkley’s place. G insisted I take the monkey from the open cage on the stairs with me. He told me the monkey was given special orders, and my job was to get the little guy into the house. I did as I was told. Once inside, the monkey went to every toilet in the house and proceeded to defecate inside the water tank of each one. I don’t know what G is feeding that monkey, but damn!

Dec 27, 2013. Shit, I’m tired. G outsourced me to that dude who always invades via the apartment balcony to deliver bass strings to the bass player children of the world the other day. Turns out, I fucked up and gave a bunch of five and six string bass player kids, four string packs, so he made me go out AGAIN the next day to fix the problem. Turns out, that for some reason, descending into people’s homes via chimney is only considered acceptable behaviour one night out of 365. Or at least, that’s what police officers in 45 countries on the planet seem to think. I have to go out again tonight, but I’m just going to drop molotovs down the chimney instead. Fuck getting arrested again.

Jan 10, 2014. G sent me to the year 2018 to find some lady. Turns out she was laughing historically on February 6th. I return with this information. Not a very exciting adventure, and then me and the monkey play a game called hide G’s sandwich. The crawl space is full of’em.

Jan 24, 2014. I find a diary penned by a version of me, 8 generations ago. In clone generational math, that was about 3 minutes. Weird.

Jan 31, 2014. Today was a good day. I got to use my A.K. Daviel Batryan won the Regal Vibration. The WW’Eh Channel is available in Canuckstan. And the company hired a mainstream darling named D.N. Goth. This is the brightest timeline.

February 7, 2014. Went to the opening ceremonies. Yeah, that’s the ticket. The opening ceremonies. Many were lost in the battle today. I live on. Remember the fallen clones.

February 14, 2014. G said since it’s Valentine’s Day, I have to do something special for J.T. who is trapped in his apartment basement. When I asked why me, he screamed back at me, “THERE’S NO TIME!” and he proceeded to watch men’s doubles in luge. So, I took J.T. back in time to ride a brontosaurus. I don’t think he understand what I meant, but I have to admit, I’ve never seen a brontosaurus smile like that before!

February 21, 2014. G sent me back to lift Jamie Benn’s stick on a shot from the point to ensure the dreams and hopes of USA hockey fans were crushed like the hopes and dreams of Canadian WWE fans unable to order the WWE Network.

March 14, 2014. I was sent to get some popcorn from the future. Corn had become extinct in the year I was sent to. I searched for months and months (since time is relative) to no avail. When I was summoned back, I was repeated whipped and forced to drink bleach. I can see through time… Then I fell down a mountain and some random redhead giant kept shoving his pet snake in my mouth.
March 21, 2014. G sent me to be a ringer in some college basketball game today. Not sure why, he was mumbling something about busting 99% of people’s brackets. I think he really must have issues with shelves.
April 4, 2014. It’s been real quiet around here lately, ever since G took off to parts unknown. He didn’t leave me much to eat, and supplies are running dangerously low. That monkey is starting to look delicious. I wonder where Diddy keeps getting those Twinkies?
May 9, 2014. Finally home. G sent me on a very long bus trip where I was forced the wear a bunny suit and eat these little pills that made me feel funny. Every once in a while, a herd of these nut jobs on the bus and I would be led down to a boxing ring and play catch. But not catch with a dog or a ball. No. We had to catch this oily guy who must have kept slipping and falling off the ring apron every single time he went out to dance. I’m so glad that’s over with.

May 30, 2014. G said there is a special event this Sunday. I asked him what that meant. He looked at me with a dead stare for about 34 minutes, never blinking. Unrelenting, he opened his mouth and then closed it, and extended his middle finger. Great. Now I’m on monkey feces cleanup duty again.

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