Home ▸ SmackDown ▸ Smackdown 07/26/13

So I guess the WWE filmed two weeks of RAW and SD this week in order to tour Atlantis and the Outer Reaches of the Milky Way. I wonder how all that condensed taping affected writing and booking? Come on y’all, let’s take a ride. Don’t you say shit just get inside. It’s time to take your ass on another kind of trip,
coz you can’t have the hop if you don’t have the hip.

Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt’s Hopping time!

Come along and ride on a fantasic voyage

slide slide slippity-slide…

“I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s Smackdown reviews work. And as J.T. Hogan has observed, it often makes more sense than the program you are actually watching. This is not a play-by-play recap, there’s enough of those online. This is a highly-opinionated take of the show in question. Also, go fuck yourself, RAW review.

– Smackdown’s voice over guy accidently drove 3 hours in the wrong direction away from the venue, I guess. They are in Corpus Christie. Whoop dee do. This crowd is notorious for being dead, so ThinkSoZombiEJoE should fit right in.

Ok, maybe there is some validity to the TMNTs skate boarding.

– Randall Keith Orton makes his way down to the ring, and the WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.

– Then Damien Sandow makes his way out, running down the crowd with his quips about cow tipping and watching bug zappers. It’s short,. and we get to the action.

Royal Baby…

– * Damien Sandow vs. Randy Orton (bellhop match). Orton seems to be dominating this one, folks. I’ll give credit, where credit is due, Orton pretending to stomp on Sandow’s hands looked fucking terrible. He blatantly missed completely, not once, but twice. And I’m blaming the switch operator AND Orton for that. I spot sign guy yelling something, oh wait, he’s screaming bloody murder as ThinkSoZombiEJoE is eating his other arm (I had JoE eat one of his arms a couple months back). J.T. is seen in the audience holding up a sign that says “Smart move to save some for seconds.” I write on my television screen with the Jiffy Marker filled with the ink of lies, “Aren’t you camping and drinking moonshine right now?” J.T. blatantly ignores my observation, probably in part because he is punching a small child in the face as we go to commercials.

Must see TV.

– We return to the action, and Sandow is allowed to attack Orton now. I am thrilled to watch him repeatedly thrust his knee into the robot’s torso, hit a Russian legsweep, and follow it with Cubito Aequet. He then throws a frisbee into the audience which has a poem on it. Just as Orton looks to finish our man, Sandow, Cody Rhodes comes down to the ring, and confiscates Sandow’s briefcase, distracting Sandow who loses the match via RKO. U.S. customs sent Rhodes, who begins searching the briefcase while Sandow screams, “Those aren’t mine! I was holding them for a friend!”

– CM Punk is seen walking around backstage. Behind him, I notice Brie Bella spills her drink backstage accidentally, which causes a Japanese staff member to take a hard fall to the ground. If you know what I did there, you’re worse than me.

Maybe it’s time to just change the name of the bar, huh?

– Did you know? The WWE has 8 out of the top 10 sports DVDs in America, including “Open Your Eyes, Dummy: The Best of Tensai.”

– CM Punk comes out, and cuts his usual awesome promo. The basic gist of it, is he plans on targeting Brock’s biggest weakness: His trust of Paul Heyman. He runs down Heyman using him to his own Rogaine’s (not working out for Paulie Shore, right J.T.?), and something about kicking Brick Layer repeatedly in the face until it resembles mush. Then of all people, Summer Rae comes out, only to be followed by Fandango. Fandango immediately mimics Brodeus Clays Dinosaur Dance, then shakes his Mutumbo finger and does his best ThinkSoZombiEJoE impression. After some dancing, Punk beats down (and off, cocktalk every Sunday on BWF Radio, 2PM EST) Fandango. Or maybe Punk just walks off, I can’t remember because an ad for WWE’s Total Diva’s airs… man, I am fapping so hard my Jimmy Wang Yang is going to come off! We are in Texas tonight, after all. THEY PROMISE SOMEONE DIES ON THE FIRST EPISODE! I hope it’s not me.

– * Mark Henry/The Usos vs. Wade Barrett/The Prime Time Players. Mark Henry’s singlet looks extra shiny tonight, and not because of unnecesarry perspiration. The images on it remind me of the illusion of the snake on the Metallica Black album. YOSHI TATSU SAYS NO TO RACISM. Justin Gabriel pops up on the twitter feed below. Meanwhile, this match is short and Mark Henry just kills everyone and the Usos share in the hand raising. This match was a blink182-and-its-gone. I wonder how Brown-Sounds career turned out after he left that band. Chad Kroeger says hi. Justin Bieber pissed in a mop bucket earlier this week.

Serves her right.

– Vickie talks with ADR backstage about stuff. ADR thinks she owes him because of Braddox Mad being a dick. RVD disagrees. He plans on proving himself by beating off Del Rio tonight. A lot of handjobs on tonight’s show, wow.

– Sandow runs into a few people, including Manik (it’s Kiman spelt backwards!). He’s trying to follow the yellow brick Rhodes. Manik doesn’t have a brain. Toto eats Manik, because Africa. ThatDamnDoubleC, You’re Welcome!

Full credit goes to WrasslorMonkey for this one too, he’s back over at wrestlingwithtext.com .

– That creepy Summerslam ad airs with wrestlers as kids. AJ looks the same. Ugghhh…. #pedobear

– * Non-Title Match: Alberto Del Rio vs. Rob Van Dam. I quickly leave to barricade my front doors to prevent any assassin’s from murdering me. I notice that once again, Jorge and Mark have arrived for a visit.

G: Dude, sorry no food for you guys this week. I had to burn all of it because it became sentient. Ever eaten salad that screams as it dies in your digestive system? Not pretty. Fucking vegans are total murders.
Mark: Wait, killing animals is also murder.
Jorge: Not the tasty ones…
G: Even the processed non-food items are speaking! I missed the ADR vs RVD match. How’d that fucker turn out? It was a fucking non-title match, so fuck the WWE for that.
Jorge:
Mark:
Alice: Hey G, J.T. seems to like the Eight-ball in the mouth. He’s secured in your apartment basement and… woah, you have more of them?
G: Maybe on a future episode. This week they’re just visiting and going to fill us in on the match we missed for… reasons. Don’t stray….
Alice: Obey, obey, obey, obey, obey. I think that’s what J.T. was saying, it’s hard to tell with the eightball in his mouth.
Jorge: He’s used to having balls in his…
Mark: Court. Like basketball.
Jorge: I said, he’s used to having balls in his…
Alice: Mouth?
Jorge: Yes. I was trying to make an ignorant homophobic remark. Like John Cena, or CM Punk. Be a star, dammit!
G: The match? Something about a Mexican and a hippie?
Jorge: Hold on, I want to hit on Alice. We haven’t actually met in person before. (Insert ANY pickup line you want here Jorge).
Mark: Hey! We’re still on a date!
Alice: I’m a home wrecker. (Insert ANY comeback you want here Alice)
G: The match? Something about a Santa Claus killer and a pothead?
Mark: Well, RVD got his entrance during the commercial break and the child labor ads for Summerslam. Weird.
Jorge: Nah, Weird was Johnny Curtis before he was Fandango. I hear he is J.T.’s favorite wrestler right now.
Alice: That’s not what he said. It sounded more like “hsifjhduighauighauighaguihuihgaui”
G: So like every week?
Alice: More or less.
G: I don’t even know if he’s on BWF Radio this week, but I’m burying him anyways.
Mark: THAT’S WHAT I DO!
Jorge: Easy, muffin
Mark: Call me Mark.
Alice: That’s just too easy.
G: This might end up being the longest match review ever.
Mark: Probably because it was a short match.
Jorge: Yeah, they scrapped for a few seconds and then ADR rolled out of the ring as RVD complained to the referee. Then the ref began the ten count as ADR delayed things. He then reset the count, and pretended to check his ring gear. This happened like 3 times. RVD hit a nice little spinning jump kick on ADR, but he used this a distraction to cheap shot RVD with a kick to the skull.
Alice: And pick up the win. Heeltastic! That’s the word, right G?
G: Word.
Alice: So is this when I pimp out that Rational Wrestling Review is back?
Mark: And better than ever? Wait, why am I used as a marketing device here?
Alice: Your name is Mark.
Mark: I should appear on your show sometime….
Jorge: What about me?
G: Woah. Don’t you three have a Flying Citadel to battle dragons atop in a fictional dungeons and dragons universe.
Alice: Do we ever…
Jorge: Vickie Guerrero is so hot…
Mark: To the skies! For real this time!

– And with that, they all teleport out of my apartment leaving a distinct odor of sulphur that makes me think about Nightcrawler of the X-Men and how the humans of the Marvel Universe discriminated against mutants for being different. Albeit, Nightcrawler did look like a fucking demon, and many Americans are pretty much religious, so yeah, that probably would happen.

– Sandow continues to look for Scott Baio backstage, and runs into Mark Henry who by complete random coincidence is hanging out with Broken Tee. Sandow rips on Tebow about once being good and employed.

– AJ Styles and Biggie Smalls make their way to the ring, and Pedobear is looking more disgusted by the presentation of AJ in pigtails and shit. This is creepy. Not commenting about that.

– AJ flips out about being dumped by Ziggler. She’s ok because she is still Diva’s champion. And she has Dolph’s keys to his house still… so rabbits being boiled? Hi 1980’s? Dolph, comes out and notes he has given out thousands of those keys before. J.T. is seen in the audience holding up a sign, “Broomsticks don’t count, Spaghetti hair!”. Wow, that was mean, but Dolph also notes EVERYTHING in the ring is replaceable. Even Biggie Smalls? HE DIED FOR YOU, TUPAC! What about the Royal baby? WHAT ABOUT THE GOD DAMN ROYAL BABY, JORGE! Slut shaming abound! Whore-heys everywhere. I guess AJ stole Dolph’s luggage, as that’s tonight’s theme. Cody Rhodes comes down and steals the suitcase! HOLY SHIT! The crowd chants, “WE JUST SAW THIS!” Clap, clap, clap clap clap. Speaking of the clap… Ugghh. This is a trainwreck, and dude, I totally watch it. It’s stupid, and terrible, and thank god I watched it alone with no one to justify my Mark Noyce to. How about you Mark?

No credit goes to WrasslorMonkey for this, I made it using Jiffy! on Reddit. Pretty cool cheap bot to make animated gifs for retards. Check it out!

– * Wyatt Family vs. Tons of Funk. I am immediately torn. I am one of the few that still likes Clay. But shit, I’ve been on the Wyatt bandwagon since day one. We’re here. Somebody, BETTER call your momma, dude, brother, dude. You are so dead. Bray finally breaks out the rocking chair gimmick on the show. Rowan fucking sucks, that dude is weak. But they hide him well as Harper does most of the dirty work in the minute long match. Post match, Bray fucks up Tensai. He should have been watching the road better. Post match, Wyatt confirms the Kane program excellently. Follow the buzzards. Idiots everywhere who didn’t figure it out, best be clues in now. Meet your maker… meet your Taker. J.T. is seen in the audience holding up a ThinkSoZombiEJoE that says, “Moonshine gave me moonburn.”

The Mega Powers EXPLODE!.

– Fuck this show is still on?

– I guess so, as Vickie is confronted by Sandow about his stolen briefcase. It’s brief. Sandow’s on the case. Fuck off, it’s 1:32AM.

Sanitality

– * Christian vs. Jack Swagger (w/ Zeb Coulter). Coulter thinks he is in North Mexico. He bitches about people sneaking across the borders. It’s actually kind of funny, but @Tajiri tweets: “Nip slip G? Seriously? You went there? #Totaldivas”

Stupid cat. How the hell did you do that?

– Meanwhile, ThinkSoZombiEJoE’s favorite wrestler, Christian, with some skilled moves. Swagger, having met RVD tonight, not so much. I’m kind of bored and tired at this point. Time to FFW this shit to the finish. I guess Christian won or something. Tonight was too long a night. Work got stupid as 1/2 of the night job was rushed to hospital with gushing blood and shit….

– Cody Rhodes pulls a Stone Cold Steve Austin standing by the Gulf of Mexico with the briefcase, and awaits Damien Sandow to come-at-me-bro, or some shit. Yeah, we all know where this is going. What’s old is new again. Briefcase into the Gulf. Ok. It was fun. Recycled, sure. I suppose those John Cena kid fans thought it was revolutionary. That’s fine. Me? Too tired, don’t give that much of a fuck. That’s your show people.

I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.

The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.

Tell me I’m a retard on Twitter! Yes, you can mock me on social media now here: @GoftheInternet

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I APPEAR WEEKLY ON BWF RADIO!

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Listen LIVE starting at 2 PM EST here. here on Mixlr.com.
Check out BWF Radio every week. It goes up on i-Tunes on Sunday in the late afternoon of North America
Call in and leave a message (via Skype or Gmail and save a buck) at: 1(716)-HOGAN-97

Make sure you tell’em “Jorge” sent you. I will give you a shout out, maybe even get herpes! Hey, free herpes! It’s a win-win situation, right?

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This Smackdown Review Appears on Three Sites!

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Joe continues not to notice this section. 😀 It’s like a Talking Heads song or something. 4 weeks and counting. He was warned.

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WTF?

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When will Joe noticed I changed this section? Probably not. He might also be oiling himself up since on BWF Radio, we use all the dead seals to convince Jorge to join facebook to keep Joe shiny. Maybe on BWF Radio, this Sunday at 2 PM EST? Which Sunday?

I warned Joe months ago to prepare for this… #lazyjoe #sloppyjoe

Motherfuckeing Joe missed this again. LOL. Jorge might not be on facebook, but clearly Joe ON facebook means shit. Cocktalk, every Sunday on BWF Radio @ 2PM EST.

Whelp, Joe continues to miss this. So I will continue to add to it as each week goes on. Trying real hard with you first real six-string means nothing, Joe. Estrogen time, 2 PM. #ThinkSoZombiEJoE

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Shameless Plugs!

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