Home ▸ SmackDown ▸ Smackdown 08/02/13

Preamble and stuff. Yadda Yoda yolo yadda…

Always check the bike first. Always.

Hopping time…

“I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s Smackdown reviews work. And as J.T. Hogan has observed, it often makes more sense than the program you are actually watching. This is not a play-by-play recap, there’s enough of those online. This is a highly-opinionated take of the show in question. Also, go fuck yourself, RAW review. No one has time to read that crap.

– Yep, the voice-over guy is totally dead. That’s probably for the best since I was running out of alternate ways to parody him, and since he stole ThinkSoZombiEJoE’s gimmick.

– I’m not really in the mood to even watch wrestling… sorry, let’s see where this goes.

– Lillian Garcia introduces Alberto Disco InfeRio down to the ring. Wait… what? Alex Riley is on commentary with Cole? The fuck? I guess he does Superstars commentary now, that show is turrible.

@Charles Barkley @G: “This is way more fun than watching wrestling, G.”

@G @Charles Barkley: “Macho Man. That is all.”

– Rio thanks the crowd for nothing. The fans never supported him last time he held the title, and this time fuck you all. ThinkSoZombiEJoE is shambling at ringside. J.T. is seen in the audience holding up Ricardo Rodriguez’ severed head with the words written on it’s forehead in backwards stating, “Torrie Wilson dumped me, LIFETIME BAN?” This episode is fucked. Something about Brooke “The Beast” LesHogan. Alberto thinks Booker T is a failure. He has to pick someone to fight for the title at Summerslum [SIC]. Drum roll… Ric-Rod is his opponent? Why not El Locale? Vickie Guerrero interjects… she disagrees and puts RVD, Christian, and Randy Orton in competition to decide who faces the brash champion.

More personality than Randall Keith Orton at the drive-thru any day.

– We get replays of videos about the dissention between Cody Rhodes and Damien Sandow about the MitB briefcase. This sets up…

– * Cody Rhodes vs. Jack Swagger. I guess this could be alright… let’s see. Zeb Coulter goes to run down Rhodes on the microphone (for The Rock), but Rhodes can’t stache the banter and attacks Swagger. Swagger comes at him intense, but it’s a short one folks, as Cody reverses what appears to be a suplex, into a sit-out-rollup for the pin and the win.

I’d watch this kind of racing.

– Rhodes says backstage he may have sold out his buddy for the title chance, but what pissed him off was the arrogance of Sandow and how he treated him. Sandow then attacks him with a chainsaw, severing his head and giving to J.T. in the arena stands so he can start a collection. J.T. is also a big fan of Pokemon, regardless of how vehemently he denies it on BWF Radio (every Sunday at 2PM EST!).

Cocktalk, every Sunday on BWF Radio, 2PM EST.

– * Sin Cara vs. Big E. Langston. Jorge arrives, but he may or may not be with Mark this week… I just don’t know.

G: Back for more, huh, Jorge?
Jorge: Cocktalk? I think I’m still on a date, not sure…
Mark: Am I here? Do I exist?
G: Rene Descartes’ First Meditation seems to think so…
Jorge: Rene Young? Darren’s sister? I hear she makes millions of dollars.
Mark: Does Biggie Smalls exist? Why was sliced bread the best thing ever at some point?
G: I like sandwiches. I often post online that I am eating them, because that’s highly enlightening. Also, I killed a monkey once.
Jorge: What?
Mark: Am I a monkey?
G: He had to die because he had a weird mechanical device planted in him that would kill him eventually anyways by an evil doppleganger version of myself from an alternate reality. Me and a Welsh fellow known as Chrisfrommyspace at one time broke into monkey sanctuary in the U.K. dressed as apes after the monkey was captured by facility staff. We had to pretend to be apes used as slave labor for a period of time until Chris’ brother Andrew broke in to rescue us, but I had to kill my best friend “Diddy” the monkey to reveal that the evil boss of the facility was also a monkey. Just normal day stuff, you know. It’s a long story, actually.
Jorge: Yeah, that happens to me all the time too.
Mark: What is time? Who keeps time? Who still reads Time?
Jorge: This invisible guy talks a lot, and is really hot. Not as much as Vickie Guerrero, but I’m not picky. Unless the bass line calls for it. I like the slap-pop method a lot.
G: Me too. Especially in Grand Theft Auto. Pop! Pop!
Mark: What is slap-chop? Didn’t that guy kill a hooker after running her over with an ambulance to get his money back?
Jorge: He cleaned up most of the plasma with a Sham-Wow.
G: Umm… so what was up with the Biggie Smalls versus Psychosis match?
Jorge: They put up those blue lights that everyone loves.
Mark: I thought they were yellow. What is yellow?
Jorge: You calling me a coward?
Mark: I couldn’t see anything, was this actually a match?
G: What’s a match? Does it still burn?
Mark: You’re stealing my vacation gimmick.
G: Vacation? Aren’t you in my basement with JT’s used one-ball-in-the-mouth apparatus from last week?
Jorge: This date just gets better and better! HELL YEAH!
JT: You might want to get tested Mark.
Jorge: Yeah, I already have been outed for herpes.
Mark: This match was like a minute. Biggie killed the lucha, and that was it.
JT: I didn’t even have time to use my Jiffy-Marker-filled-with-the-LINK-of-lies to make a new sign.
G: That link led to a JT Hogan porn video with…
Mark: Goodbye.
Jorge: Later.
JT: METALLICA!

– And just like that, they walk into a Stargate off to continue their date in a science fiction alternate reality historical setting in Egypt.

– I feel a tap on my shoulder, and turn around to see….

Joe: Hey G! I’m human again! No more zombie jokes, I get lines in your…
G: Fuck the RAW reviews!!!

– I kick him into the Stargate which I conviniently changed the location setting to Raccoon City in which he is reinfected and returned. tHINKsOzOMBIejOe is back! Alice says hi, then shoots him in the head. Right in the fucking head. Tool says hi too. A few of you might pickup on that reference, but you are also probably metal head fans and know the album “Opiate.” Jerkoffs.

– Yeah, so Biggie Smalls won. Great.

I wanted to look at other people’s microwaves. Dick.

– Recaps and shit continue.

The fuck?

– Rene Young interviews Kaitlynnizer backstage about her plan to murder AJ Styles. I can’t even remember the British chick who used to tag with Skeletor, but she is with her. They hug and make out and shit. ADR is talking with Vick-Rod backstage about championship title stuff, then Eye-brow man shows up to question authority or some crap. They all make out. Good times. Tito Ortiz.

How one can defeat The Ryback. Or just book him on a PPV. Either or.

– * CM Punk vs. Fandango. Fuck. They give this a surprisingly amount of time. I know Curtis is good, all Fandangoing aside. But does average ThinkSoZombiEJoE know this? Unlikely. See, I actually watched NXT when it wasn’t cool, and murdered your favorite indie band and buried them in my apartment basement beside where I keep JT when he is on vacation. Mark’s there now, Egypt didn’t work out for him so well. I left him with a bunch of cocaine, since that’s what British people eat. I learned that from Wikipedia. Makes sense since monkeys are indigenous to Britain. The more you know. This is a surprisingly good match since they give it time, and Punk is allowed to help put a guy with a shitty gimmick over. Even Summer Ray Dudley adds to the match, who knew? The Beast in the World wins with an Anaconda Vice submission. Pretty solid match for the tail end of a creative burnout taping session.

THAT is one hell of a gimmick…

– Renee Young interviews RVD about being high. Then Christian shows up. As does Jack Swagger and Randall Keith Orton. They hit their catchphrase bong… as does Evan Bourne, who is coach surfing in my apartment since he has nowhere else to go. I kick him into the Stargate, and he meets ThinkSoZombiEJoE. Good times had by all. Spicey.

– * Diva’s Title Match: AJ Lee vs. Kaitlyn (w/Katie Burchill) – No fucks given. FFW. Someone won. I think it was… look it up. Fuck this.

– A whole lot of Cena/Bryan clips air, making it easier to finish this shitacular episode of Smackdown.

…

– * RVD vs. Christian vs. Randy Orton. We have 30 minutes to go. I’m just going to sit back and try to get through this. Wow. I told you that I wasn’t in the mood to even watch. In all fairness, it was an ok mainevent. Joe’s favorite, Christian, and Randall Keith Orton left the door open for Triple Threat Rules, and RVD’s usual spots were made to look good. They gave them a good 3 breaks to sell it as a result. You get a good and bad part from condensed booking, and sometimes you get good. We started it off with Daniel Bryan running a gauntlet two Monday’s ago, and we ended it with this. Albeit, the latter was not at the level of Cesaro and Bryan, this was a great match. It made me smile…. unfortunately I grew a massive beard while hunting, so you can’t tell if I lost it or not. I assure you, many animals were harmed in the filming of this. Christian prevails out of nowhere with a pin on the robot…

– Post match, both Orton and RVD shake Christian’s hand. ThinkSoZombiEJoE doesn’t, as he hates Canadians. Simultaniously ADR and Lance Storm both run in while Josh “One-T” Mathews interviews Captain Charisma. ADR attacks Christian, and Lance Storm attacks ThinkSoZombiEJoE! A masked lucha libre wearing a red and white mask, and a BWF T-Shirt that says, “DudeBrother”, cackles as Storm decapitates said zombie with a Superdick to the face. More on this, on Cocktalk, after the game. Stay Tuned. Cocktalk, every Sunday on BWF Radio at 2PM EST…

I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.

The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.

Tell me I’m a retard on Twitter! Yes, you can mock me on social media now here: @GoftheInternet

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I APPEAR WEEKLY ON BWF RADIO!

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Listen LIVE starting at 2 PM EST here. here on Mixlr.com.
Check out BWF Radio every week. It goes up on i-Tunes on Sunday in the late afternoon of North America
Call in and leave a message (via Skype or Gmail and save a buck) at: 1(716)-HOGAN-97

Make sure you tell’em “Jorge” sent you. I will give you a shout out, maybe even get herpes! Hey, free herpes! It’s a win-win situation, right?

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This Smackdown Review Appears on Three Sites!

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Joe continues not to notice this section. 😀 It’s like a Talking Heads song or something. 4 weeks and counting. He was warned.

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WTF?

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When will Joe noticed I changed this section? Probably not. He might also be oiling himself up since on BWF Radio, we use all the dead seals to convince Jorge to join facebook to keep Joe shiny. Maybe on BWF Radio, this Sunday at 2 PM EST? Which Sunday?

I warned Joe months ago to prepare for this… #lazyjoe #sloppyjoe

Motherfuckeing Joe missed this again. LOL. Jorge might not be on facebook, but clearly Joe ON facebook means shit. Cocktalk, every Sunday on BWF Radio @ 2PM EST.

Whelp, Joe continues to miss this. So I will continue to add to it as each week goes on. Trying real hard with you first real six-string means nothing, Joe. Estrogen time, 2 PM. #ThinkSoZombiEJoE

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Shameless Plugs!

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