Home ▸ SmackDown ▸ Smackdown 08/09/13

Hopping Time!. Always.

Let’s just skip the preamble. Get on this spaceship, mang, because we’re going to go get some takeout.

“I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show… blah, blah, blah… Regardless, these reviews are still VASTLY superior to that load of rubbish spewed out by ThinkSoJoE over on the RAW reviews. God, those are awful. If I could kill myself over and over again, you know I would. But that wouldn’t be Ryt, man? Or would they? I heard RAW reviews eats their own feces and is friends with Brian Knobbs. Terrible, really.

Hogan-bombing is all the rage.

– I love how the first face you see during the Smackdown opening package is Sheamus’ face. Ha ha!

Because, ketchup.

– Transformers 3! More than meets the eye! Robots in disguise! “Yes, Randall Keith Orton is here with his briefcase filled with energon!” notes Cole. “Energon can get you really really high, it’s actually a strain of sativa laced with the dead soul of Evan Bourne,” follows up JBL. RVD is seen sprinting down to the ring.

All Fred Savage wanted to do was get his little brother to California to win a video game competition. Fucking Power Glove kid tried to derail their hopes and dreams. I hope he is dead now. Or electrocuted himself while giving himself “The Stranger.”

– * Randy Orton vs. Rob Van Dam. There is some guy in the front row doing the RVD motion with a very loud whistle. Vintage. So is RVD setting up Orton on the outside barricade, and launching himself from the outside ring apron onto the prone robot with a drop kick. Whistle guy is totally marking out as much as, well, Mark Out Man, who is about for people to his right also marking out. Mark Mero is not seen, nor has been seen in a Teddy Long time. The match gets significant time, and honestly surprises me. It’s really good! Maybe a little sloppy at moments, but the two bring out the best in each other. They do get all of their regular spots in, but also surprise us with some innovation… well, for them. RVD misses a 5-Star Frog Splash, allowing Ortbot to hit an RKO on RVD for the pin and the win.

Looks like Fred Savage found the Power Glove kid. California, no doubt about it.

– An ad for SyFy’s movie of the week airs, Smurfnado III.

– Miz TV time. The audience unanimously groans, stand up and leave. Only three people are left. Markout Man, JT (passed out due to excessive masturbation), and an extremely obese person who is sadly stuck in their chair. JT holds up a sign that says, “Not even the Jaws of Life can save this segment. #Sharkweek” Smurfweek begins trending on Tout. Miz has guests. AJ Styles and Biggie Smalls. Miz questions her relationships with CM Punk, D-Bry, Kane, Dolph, etc. He asks if the problem might be her. Styles disagrees and claims she got tricked into loving them, but was deceived. But the title will keep her warm and never leave her. Ziggy enters the fray. Then The Kat comes out, and makes threats. Screaming ensues, so Miz makes the transgender match for SummerSlammed (sponsered by Vivid Entertainment). Being the host of the PPV gives one booking powers.

Rolling Blunder.

– The obese person is seen in the audience holding up a sign stating, “Pillman HOF 2014”. Fuck, if Koko B Ware is in, damn right.

– Vickie and Del Rio argue and shit backstage. No one cares.

– Winter dances out with Angelina Love. Then FANGORIA “The First in Fright Since 1979” joins them. It’s a Mad Magazine dance that leaves me feeling Cracked.com (guess who won that battle?).

Dude’s cat is a way better skater..

– * Kofi Kingston vs. Fandango. Coffee makes his entrance bouncing here and there, and everywhere. Cole notes that since he’s returned, Kofi has been “Dashing and daring, Courageous and caring, Faithful and friendly, with stories to share.” JBL is seen in the audience holding up a JT, who is holding up a sign that says, “I stapled the fat dude into his seat.” All through the forest… arena, they sing out in chorus, for Kofi as he makes his way out. Those marks are just marching along, as Kofi’s song fills the air. Fandango will have none of it, immediately going into assault mode. A “USA” chant breaks out, that makes no sense since both are Americans. This feels awkward, as restholds seem to be the go to. What do I know, Magic and mystery, are part of their history. Summer Rae screams at ringside, “Along with the secret of gummiberry juice!!!” Kofi defies a Summer Rae distraction, and lands a top rope assault to the outside. Rae then feigns an injury, like when ‘Dango fought Jericho. I guess this pair’s legend is growing and the smarks take pride in knowing that. Kofi eats a steel post as a result, but he’ll fight for what’s right in whatever he does. I would hardly describe this match as high adventure that’s beyond compare. But it’s something. Fandango for the win. Skippable match. Take this time to hit up 7-11 for a package of Gummi-bears.

@Charles Barkley @G: “I… would… like… a… cheese… burger.”

@G @Charles Barkley: “As do we all, Chuck. Fuck I’m getting lazy.”

– * Daniel Bryan vs. Wade “The Barbarian” Barrett. Wade is clean shaven as his beard was deemed weird. Nexus! I read on the dirty dirts that Barrett’s shaven facial follicles are being booked in NJPW next month in a program with Prince Devitt. The match is pretty solid, and involves Barrett grabbing some clippers mid match in an attempt to de-beard the Goat Man, but NO! Literally, this effort only leads to a No Lock submission win for Daniel as all three people in attendance go nuts. Markout Man does like 6 backflips while buying a hotdog from a vendor and JT teabags the obese stapled dude because he can.

– Renee Young interviews Damien Sandow. He introduces us to his new sexual chocolate bar briefcase that contains a caramel contract of nugent goodness. SILENCE!!! Sandow is all in here on his promo. I ain’t transcribing shit.

– * Handicap Match: Kane vs. 3MB. Snap. Kane just fucks them all up as they attempt a free-for-all attack on See No Evil II’s star. Nope, he Ambrose’s. Kane murders them and leaves their entrails in a heap as I see a familiar figure emerge from under the ring. ThinkSoZombiEJoE munches away like JT eats whiskey flavored popcorn in the stands with Mark Out Man. Then we get a fucking epic Bray Wyatt video backstage. It’s awesome. Wyatt points out that Kane’s existence is a goddamn fucking lie. Everything he thinks is true, is false. The whole identity is built around a sociological existence that the people around him assume is reality, but there are many like Wyatt that have accepted reality for what it is. And that they are all-ready dead. Krusty The Clown learned this once too. Kane will be written off television for the fire of the anus match to film a movie that involves him having a three foot long penis (i.e. See No Evil 2). Look it up, IWC, look it up.

[Youtube mAUY1J8KizU]

– JBL and Cole talk about Cocktalk, every Sunday on BWF Radio at 2PM EST. Now with more Brock Lesnar. Now, say something stupid, anyone not named G. In all fairness, they edited the shit out of this to make it look really good. Brock had his moments live, but we haven’t seen that in his return. I miss the day when he mocked Eddie Guerrero back in the day. But since Randy told me Eddie is in Hell, I assume he is tagging with Stevie Richards. Fucking weak.

Yep.

– We get clips of ADR beating the fuck out of Ric-Rid with the spit-bucket. I suspect it was filled with P.E.D.’s because as A-Rod would say, “That’s what I do!”. Oh wait, wrong sport. Baseball is more fake than wrestling. I heard Ultimate Warrior was signed by the Atlanta Braves.

– * Non-Title Match: Alberto Del Rio {C} vs. Christian

– ZLOTT!! is the sound resounding through my heptagon shaped room as a figure smashes through the seventh wall!

G: HOLY FUCK! IT’S DUKE THE DUMPSTER DROESE! ARE YOU HERE TO GIVE ME DORITOS JACKED!!!
Joe: YES! YES! YES! What the fuck are you smoking?
G: Energon cubes. Hey, aren’t you that mysterious secret assailant that used to attack me on a weekly basis if I attempted to FFW through any segments?
Joe: No, that was Alice Arrington of RWR
Jorge: You mean Rational Wrestling Review.
Joe: I said stay in the car. This week is my time. My time is now. See, I have a fucking spinner belt. WHEEEE!!!!!
Jorge: I just wanted some…
Joe: GO!! Protect our precious cargo we need to deliver to Spatula City!
Jorge: Mark is probably ok with guarding it on his own.
Joe: You can’t see me, my time is now. I’m glaring at Jorge angrily.
G: I’m trying to review a show here, and…
Joe: SILENCE!!! What do I have to do?
G: Well…
Joe: What’s that thumping and screaming I am hearing?
G: Alice is in my apartment basement with JT. It’s her turn. Wanna have a go?
Joe: I JUST WANT MY DAMN VOICE BACK IN YOUR SEGMENTS! I. AM. NOT. A. ZOMBIE.
G: Doo doo, doo doo do do do…
Joe: Grr…
G: Tell me about this Christian vs ADR match.
Joe: Well, you see my favorite wrestler of all time, Christian comes down to face…
Joe/Jorge (together): ALLLLLBBBBBBERRRRTTTOOO DELLLLL RIOOOOOOO!
Joe: Go back to the car, Jorge.
Jorge: Fucker. Fine.
G: Continue.
Joe: They give these guys like 30 minutes. No crap, like on RAW, just wrestling, Right?
G: Man. And…
Alice: I hate to interrupt, but I think JT is dead.
Mark: Who?
Alice: JT, the dude with the Mac room microphone. Mr. Echo…
JT: I do not have an echo, echo, echo, echo…
Mark: I’ve got to get back to Jorge, he told me an All-Dressed Ruffles bag of chips is as effective as a condom.
Alice: I don’t even know if I’m on the show today.
Mark: Me neither.
Joe: Fuck you all. This match was solid. The two delivered on all levels, and told a good story. There were spots from the top ropes, the outside, and in the ring that kept the show moving. Sure, this was no 5 star match, but as a Christian fan, I can’t complain. Smackdown was bookended by two solid matches. The IWC complains too much, this is free television. WTF do you expect? I got a Christian tattoo in honor of this one, even though ADR got a beat by a cheap roll-up pin via Christian for the win. Captain Charisma is so awesome, that tattoo is actually on my forehead.
G: That sounds good, but you forget one thing.
Joe: What’s that?

Derp

– And just like that, I rekick Joe back into the Stargate and he is re-eaten by zombies in the Resident Evil storyline universe. Because that’s how I roll.

– Post match Sandow looks to cash in on ADR, but Cody Rhodes hates chocolate, so it is bumped. BUMP! Thread! See you at Summerslam. I have no excitement for SD next week. Because…

I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.

The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.

Tell me I’m a retard on Twitter! Yes, you can mock me on social media now here: @GoftheInternet

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I APPEAR WEEKLY ON BWF RADIO!

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Listen LIVE starting at 2 PM EST here. here on Mixlr.com.
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Call in and leave a message (via Skype or Gmail and save a buck) at: 1(716)-HOGAN-97

Make sure you tell’em “Jorge” sent you. I will give you a shout out, maybe even get herpes! Hey, free herpes! It’s a win-win situation, right?

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This Smackdown Review Appears on Three Sites!

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The official home of Wonderpod, and an assortment of content ranging from all things wide and far… depending on what the author’s feel like writing about. A home for reviews, commentary, pop culture, and fiction just to start. Always worth a look.

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Joe continues not to notice this section. 😀 It’s like a Talking Heads song or something. 4 weeks and counting. He was warned.

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WTF?

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When will Joe noticed I changed this section? Probably not. He might also be oiling himself up since on BWF Radio, we use all the dead seals to convince Jorge to join facebook to keep Joe shiny. Maybe on BWF Radio, this Sunday at 2 PM EST? Which Sunday?

I warned Joe months ago to prepare for this… #lazyjoe #sloppyjoe

Motherfuckeing Joe missed this again. LOL. Jorge might not be on facebook, but clearly Joe ON facebook means shit. Cocktalk, every Sunday on BWF Radio @ 2PM EST.

Whelp, Joe continues to miss this. So I will continue to add to it as each week goes on. Trying real hard with you first real six-string means nothing, Joe. Estrogen time, 2 PM. #ThinkSoZombiEJoE

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Shameless Plugs!

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