Home ▸ SmackDown ▸ Smackdown 08/23/2013

Well, people tuned into RAW, many in a state of shock and rage from the outcome of Randy Orton’s cash in at Summerslam. Many were irate, as if Ben Affleck had been announced as the new James Bond or something. Boo hoo hoo, go kill yourself. Seriously, it’s all in the story and D-Bry’s over more now than ever before. So let’s see what they do tonight to ruin your life on Smackdown, shall we?

You know what time it is…

“I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s Smackdown reviews work. And as J.T. Hogan has observed, it often makes more sense than the program you are actually watching. This is not a play-by-play recap, there’s enough of those online. This is a highly-opinionated take of the show in question. RAW review is the reason all things terrible happen to you. Yes, you fine reader, and it’s personal. Impact review is ok, though. But not that epitome of evil that is RAW review.

– We open the show with footage of the reprogramming of Ortbot as WWE Champion (now with Windows 8). Dramatic music plays in the background and three cliff-hanging periods end this sentence…

– Vick-Rod Guerrero kicks off the show. She introduces Randall Keith Orton and gives him a microphone. J.T. is seen in the audience suddenly petrified. You read that right, J.T. has been preserved and turned into stone. Orton promises to give us what we want and deserve. Because everyone of us has the exact same expectations and opinions. He wants our support and… wait for it… wait for it… [G falls asleep]. I awaken and suddenly a wild goat appears! Daniel Bryan sincerely thanks Cena for the opportunity for the SS match, regardless of injury, the chance be champ. Time to change the face of the WWE, Bryan doesn’t look like Orton who is tall, chiseled and purdy. “NEPOTISM!” reads a sign stapled to ThinkSoZombiEJoE seen shambling around at ringside. After a pretty awesome D-Bry rant, Orton denies a title challenge, and goes for an RKO! Bryan reverses it, tosses him towards the ropes and kicks the motherfucker straight the hell out of the ring.

This is clever and deserves attention

– Did You Know? Every week, BWF Radio airs every Sunday at 2PM EST where I sometimes accidentally say things that catch on like “Buy the Replay”, “Cock-Talk” or “My Ass Has Ripples”? What asinine thing will I say this Sunday? Also, the WWE manipulates all it’s data to appear relevant. I’M ALREADY WATCHING YOUR PRODUCT ON FRIDAY NIGHT! Fuck your math.

– Vic-Rod is on her phone all angry like. Something about D-Bry getting involved in Orton inring masturbation session. Barrett wants Bryan in a match. This ends up becoming a steel cage match. By the Great Pumpkin’s Ghost, I smell a winner! Or a rotting pumpkin.

– * Non-Title Match: Curtis Axel {C} vs. Cody Rhodes. Paul Heyman is at ringside angry likely because this is not a title match. The two multi-generational do battle over whether the PS4 or X-Box 1 will be better. It’s kind of hard to give a shit about this match since it’s totally out of nowhere and doesn’t seem to have any relevance to either man’s ongoing stories. Nonetheless, the two seem to work well with each other in a short match. A distraction by Heyman costs Rhodes, and Axel picks up the win.

– Post match, Heyman gets on the microphone. A stagehand runs into the ring and whispers audibly into his ear, “Mr. Heyman please don’t stand on the microphone, you are supposed to put it up to your mouth and talk into it.” Heyman raves on about Punk, and how his former friend has become a giant loser, and has gone on a downward spiral transcending into that of Mad Men. He’s Lost! He’s Breaking Bad! He’s The Walking Dead! This get’s ThinkSoZombiEJoE’s attention at ringside, who immediately begins doing the Fandango dance. Then Axel challenges Punk to a match on next week’s RAW.

Gotta get that berry stink out somehow.

– * Dolph Ziggler vs. Biggie Smalls. AJ skips down to the ring looking even more disturbingly like a preteen girl as Mr. Cocaine Hands makes his way out. The two go right at it, which sucks because I was really hoping this program was done with on Sunday. It’s fortunately short, and after the two blow each other a bunch, or exchange business cards (whatever your smark terminology is), they take in a movie, cure cancer, and Dolph hits a reverse DDT and picks up the tab (tipping the bar staff well). AJ is upset with the service and pulls a dine-and-dash (or so she thinks), screaming as she runs out of the cathedral all three confused for a movie theatre that had waiters and a ghastly looking giant parasite eating my brain. FUCKING END THIS STUPID PROGRAM!

– * Non-Title Match: Alberto Del Rio {C} vs. Christian (Battle to Illegally Immigrate Into the USA Match). This one starts off hot and heavy, like an morbidly obese supermodel, showing Christian tossing ADR to the outside and we go to our obligatory commercial break. One of which includes some superficial bitch who is saved by a fireman who nonchalantly runs away from her hero to fuck a random cosmonaut in an advertisement for Axe Apollo. The slogan is “Nothing Beats an Astronaut”. “Challenge accepted!” I say aloud to no one. Since I live in Canucklestan, I race down the street to Chris Hadfield’s place and unceremoniously utilize a Singapore Cane upon him. I yell, “What’s the Frequency, Kenneth,” the entire time, until the fireman from the Axe Apollo ad unnecessarily uses a fire extinguisher to put it out. “It wasn’t even on fire!” I retort to the fireman, who actually said nothing to me to require a retort. Johnny Storm, of the Fantastic Four appears again looking angry. I stare at him and scream, “I DIDN’T SAY THE MAGIC WORD!!! I NEVER SAID DOOM!” Johnny Storm smirks and winks at me. I notice Pee Wee Herman out of the corner of my eye laughing and screaming with some abomination of a recliner. My apartment is on fire again…

I… umm…

– AND WE’RE BACK! This match is well underway. I’m spraying Axe Apollo it, because it’s rather good. Maybe not fuckable… maybe. J.T. is seen in the audience trying to pick up the match. He gets rejected. After the two exchange spots for a while, things get rough, and the story is all about Christian’s shoulder. Christian takes a shot outside the ring onto the steel steps. He takes a stiff shot to the ring post, and then has a top rope spot reversed into an ARMBAR! ADR picks up the win. Post match, ADR cuts a promo about the fans wanting to be the next ADR… etc.

Best part of the match?

– Ric-Rod returns and interrupts ADR. Noting following ADR is lame, dude. He toke, toke, passes the intro to RVD, who runs in and lands a Rolling Thunder on the Mexican aristocrat, who is sent packing (another bowl).

Epic Dodgeballer.

– * Handicap Match: Mark Henry & Big Show vs. 3MB

– I hear a familiar tapping at my apartment balcony sliding door. Jorge let’s himself in, accompanied by a small gang of rogues. I immediately hide.

Jorge: Yo, G! My date turned into a group thing, I brought the whole crew!
Mark: I feel less than important. Halloween was almost a year ago, maybe it’s time to throw that Jack-off-O-Green-Lantern out on your porch?
Alice: I got to grab something from the basement I forgot
J.T.: If you see me down there, say hi!
Alice: Will do. Wait. Ah, fuck it, back in a second.
Joe: Hey, I’m not a zombie this week. I wonder what happened?
Jorge: Hey, where’s G?
Joe: Who cares, let’s loot the place!
Mark: Isn’t this place supposedly on fire due to G saying the word, “DO..”
Joe: Shut it!
Mark: [mumbling as if Joe’s hand is in his mouth] Your hand tastes like Jorge.
J.T.: Dibs on this flood-ridden soiled carpeting!
Mark: Hey sweet, a Paul Coffey vintage Edmonton Oiler’s jersey!
Jorge: Nom, nom, nom…
Joe: What are you eating, Jorge? That looks like a Mason Jar filled with old scabs!
Jorge: … whatever, pass the box of toe-nail clippings…
Alice: Found what I was looking for. There’s some fat old guy down there in J.T.’s “special” chair with Chucky Barks spray painted on his belly. Rather odd, that G.
J.T.: MY CHAIR!!
Alice: His overweight, unemployed Mom lives down there. She’s muttering something about Daniel Bryan getting screwed at Summerslam and posting angrily on Reddit. Weird.
Joe: That’s not how it’s supposed to work.
Jorge: Hey Joe, try this homemade gum.
J.T.: I think that’s a used condom.
Joe: Tastes like Jorge.
Alice: No, it doesn’t.
Mark: Ahem. Did any of you catch Impact this…
ALL: NO! NO! NO!
Mark: Well, did any of you catch the Mark Henry & Big Show vs. 3MB match on Smackdown?
Joe: I liked how it was a cripple fight!
J.T.: Heath Ledger lost the Rock, Cena, Scissors match and had to start in the ring.
Alice: That’s not what they did.
J.T.: Yeah, I didn’t watch.
Jorge: This chocolate pudding is AMAZING!
Joe: I fell asleep.
Alice: It really was a beat down. They gave the 3MB guys some cute spots to appear relevant, but it only served the purpose to put over Big Show and Mark Henry as a team without completely jobbing out the perennial jobbers. G, wait. I’d never say anything like this. Why did you make me say this?
G: Sorry ’bout that.
Alice: Understandable.
Jorge: Then the Shield got on the giant TV. Roman Reigns was eating some marbles, while Seth Rollins and he both noted they have no respect for the two giants. The Shield will never lose their titles and so forth.
Joe: BELEEEEB IN DAH SHIELD! WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!!
J.T.: Where’s G? A fuckit, do we have all his good stuff?
Alice: I grabbed his sack…
Jorge: Of drugs?
Alice: No, I guess Canadians can detach their testicles for safe storage. This place is weird.
Joe: I wonder why I’m not still a zombie.
Mark: No time, Joe. We’ve got to get out of here with the loot before the Mounties show up. They always get their man.

– And just like that, they all pile onto an enormous hovering beaver and it wags it’s tail as they disappear into the night. They stole all my shit. Well, Jorge ate some of it.

Everytime.

– * Darren Young vs. Antonio Cesaro. Zeb Coulter’s promo is cut off by a whistle-blowing Titus, and Darren Young comes down to battle the mighty Swiss man. TMZ broke the story that Cesaro was Swiss, BTW, in case some how you didn’t hear. I’m really proud of him for being honest in a hateful world towards neutral nations. Young gets a short and decisive victory over Cesaro. He busts open his mouth a little. I don’t hate Darren Young, but I don’t think he is better than Cesaro by any stretch. I don’t get this whole thing at all. But, time will tell. I’m not going to get on some kind of indirect conspiracy theory like some people out there that his depush is only because of him coming out. There is nothing wrong with being Swiss.

Completely accurate depiction.

– Ryback is requested by some stupid mark to sign an autograph for his stupid son, Billy. The mark is then confused as to which guy on the picture is Ryback. Stupid mark. He hasn’t watched in a while, but his stupid son never misses this stupid show. Ryback tears up the stupid sign into a bunch of stupid pieces and accurately notes that Billy’s dad is stupid (and scrawny). I’m sure you can tell how stupidly awesome this was.

I GOT TICKETS AT RINGSI…

– We get yet another repackage ad for Primo, Epico, Juvatud, Comacho, and Hunico coming soon as The Chicago Bulls.

Hulking Down!

– * Steel Cage Match: Daniel Bryan vs. Wade Barrett. What can I say? This was actually a great match. Of course, both guys in it have wrestled 3,425,004 times over the last month or so, but it delivered on all levels for a free TV main event. J.T. is not seen in the audience, because he was not watching. He’s retired now. Sometimes they say “never say never”, in wrestling. But I assure you this is the Truth Martini. Tune in to BWF Radio this Sunday (2PM EST) to hear him say:

J.T.: Testify My Brother!
Joe: Jorge, GET THE TABLES!
J.T.: This isn’t in the script.
Jorge: Actually, it is.
Mark: I’m loving this.
Alice: I can hear his echo resounding off the walls of G’s apartment.

– But seriously folks, the crowd was white hot for this one. Not because they were racists, or on fire. DOOM! Shit. I evacuate my apartment from my hiding place, and return hours later to note how awesome this match was. They keep teasing Bryan beating off the British Goliath (cock talk, every Sunday… yeah). Then this happens…

Just one of many moments J.T. missed because I just killed him mid review.

– Barrett shall not escape. Bryan pounds him in the ass (yes, he technically did), before delivering that move. Brilliant! The crowd is going insane! Bryan pumps up the jam, pumps it up, while their feet are stomping. Then he nails Barrett with his flying knee and pins the big Brit for the pin and the win! One might say he shred-raped him with a superdick, but I’m pretty sure that was his knee. Speaking of dicks, Randall Keith Orton runs out of nowhere and RKO’s Bryan post match and holds up a cheeseburger as…

I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.

The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.

Tell me I’m a retard on Twitter! Yes, you can mock me on social media now here: @GoftheInternet

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I APPEAR WEEKLY ON BWF RADIO!

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Listen LIVE starting at 2 PM EST here. here on Mixlr.com.
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Call in and leave a message (via Skype or Gmail and save a buck) at: 1(716)-HOGAN-97

Make sure you tell’em “Jorge” sent you. I will give you a shout out, maybe even get herpes! Hey, free herpes! It’s a win-win situation, right?

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Joe continues not to notice this section. 😀 It’s like a Talking Heads song or something. 4 weeks and counting. He was warned.

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WTF?

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Nothing’s here, man. Or is there? Why was Joe alive and speaking?

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Shameless Plugs!

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