Home ▸ SmackDown ▸ Smackdown 08/24/12

So, apparently I’m supposed to write some kind of intro paragraph for these things. A paragraph usually is constituted with a few sentences that correlate to an idea and supports the content within. Furthermore, including this sentence, I count three strings of words. Done. Let’s hop to it, shall we?

I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s Smackdown reviews work. This is not a play-by-play recap, there’s enough of those online. This is a highly-opinionated take of the show in question.

– We’re told an enraged Alberto Del Rio wants answers for getting screwed over by the heelish bully and car thief, Sheamus at Summerslam. Then we see clips from the 24 hour RAW on Monday in which Sheamus continued his dastardly ways by screwing ADR in his match against Randall Keith Orton.

– Orton decides he will put us all to sleep with a promo in the ring to kick off the show. God, these are always death. Meanwhile, BWF Radio regular is in a viper-induced coma. Orton tells anyone in the back to confront him if they think he’s a dick. Sheamus comes out and more or less get’s on Orton’s member telling him he wants to face Orton for his corrupt title. HOLLA HOLLA! FLOW CHART! Oh wait, it’s Booker-T. My bad. T likes the smell of this program, which has the distinct aroma of FFW soup. But first….

This guy probably has one hell of a drop kick.

– Enter ADR who rightfully calls bullshit on this fucking injustice (his words, not mine). He points out all of what I’ve argued. Sheamus is a cheating criminal, and if this B A Star thing is to be considered legit, Alberto Del Rio is a true hero. It’s a conspiracy against a fine young upstanding ADR.

– * Ryback vs. Jinder Mahal. Battlecreek Michigan versus Calgary… Alberta, Canada?

FEED…. ME… MORE!!!

– Ryback notes, “Jinder Mahal, tonight you finally understand your place in the food chain! FEED ME MORE!” I guess that was a passable promo for the red-eye-knight. Clips and shit are shown. Jinder is going toe-to-toe with the Ryback, even stomping him down and making him his bitch while the crowd chants “This is gay! This is gay!” Oh wait, they’re chanting “U-S-A! U-S-A!” My bad, I thought they were homophobes, turns out they’re just racist nationalists that forget they’re an immigrant based country. LOL. Melting pot, my ass. After a nice display of offense, Ry-Van-Dam hits his little march slam move on Jinder for the win. I hope I riled a couple of you Yankees up tonight. I’m Canadian, and I’m fucking down being polite! Ha ha, eh!

I seem to be on a bit of an angry animal kick tonight… got stuck at work much later than I would have liked. Plus Summerslam, RAW, and Impact sucked my balls for the most part.

– * Non-Title Match: Layla {C} vs. Alicia Fox. Stupid non-title matches. Whatever. FFW, don’t care. The ladies kind of roll around and pretend to wrestle. This really sucks. Layla wins in about 90 seconds. Moving on… as Eve makes her way down to raise the hands of Kaitlyn and Layla (Kaitlyn was on commentary, I suppose). Weird shit here folks.

Jack be creepy, Jack be sick…

– Dolph Ziggler discusses beating Chris Jericho with Vickie backstage. They complain about A.J. not being the father of Claire Lynch’s baby or some crap. Enter on-the-lam criminal Sheamus who thinks Ziggler should cash in the MitB tonight. Ziggler tells him to fuck off. Corrupt assistant to Booker T tells them that they will face each other tonight in a non-title match.

– * Heath Slater vs Sin Cara. Cody Rhodes is on commentary. The lights are dimmed, and whatnot. Rhodes notes that 8 times out of 10 he agrees with Cole on commentary, I note that Rhodes never learned how to reduce his fractions. BOO! MATH MUST PREVAIL! Actually, I could give a fuck. I saw this match THREE TIMES in Calgary last summer on one show. It’s a good mix of the flippy floppy and the… umm… what’s Slater’s move set called again? Being squashed all that time makes me unsure. But Slater ekes out a victory in a pretty short match. Rhodes flies into the ring to demask the fallen lucha. But, the referees prevent this from happening as “Cody Sucks!” chants ring out from the crowd.

How I wish the Claire Lynch story would end on Impact. That or a Popeye run in on AJ, either or.

– * Non-Title Match: Sheamus {C} vs. Dolph Ziggler. Vickie joins commentary. She talks about Teddy bears or something, I tune out from commentary as per usual. Both men are sold as strong to start, and I can’t say it’s turrible. Barks can though, and likely will during a seemingly logical pending commercial break. Dolph learns to count in honor of the late, great Jerry Nelson. But it turns out I am wrong as Ziggler uses the briefcase to beat down the so-called champ and then wants to cash it in! Then as Sheamus arises from seeming death, Ziggler reclaims his contract before it’s made official! THERE WILL BE NO TITLE MATCH TODAY! Ziggles shouts “NO RUSH!” as he makes his way to the back. 1, 2, 3, 4… 4 premature contract cash ins! AH AH AH!! RIP Mr. Nelson.

🙁 He was a vampire that appealed to kids. AND… AND… he did not fucking sparkle.

– Santino is in the ring talking about loving America and that type of stuff. Also a Canadian depicted as someone from another country. LOL. Santino wants his rematch, and is mildly entertaining and talks to his sock puppet and things get stupid funny. You will either love or hate this. Me? I like trainwrecks, and the fact that he is telling his hand about the birds and the bees is so retarded it’s awesome. Aksana distracted the sock puppet, and Santino asks his hand if it can milk him. PG TV, folks! Then he quotes Rocky, and he gets his Cobra all fired up! El oh el! Enter the current US champ and his eye-candy valet… Our five words tonight are “winner.” Then they make out. Cesaro taunts the Milan Miracle and they fight on the ramp. But once again, the Cobra is distracted by Aksana, and Cesaro lays him out.

Charles Barkley @G: “Did you see me in the audience at Summerslam, G? I got seats with some rats!”

– * WWE Tag Team Title Match: Kofi Kingston & R-Truth {C} vs. Epico & Primo. The Prime Time Players join commentary. Fuck, lot’s of joining commentary tonight. Albeit, Titus Oneil does do a funny impression of Booker T, even though it distracts from a pretty good match. The Colons are looking better each time I see them. This match is pretty solid for the 2 minutes they give them. R-Truth snags a win for his tandem while the PTP’s do their best to glare at the champs.

Do I REALLY need a caption for this one?

– The Day movie trailer. I check it out since I FFW’d through it on Monday. Striker talks to the tag champs backstage… pretty generic about taking on all comers, etc. The P2P’s enter and Titus tells Little Jimmy he needs to be seen and not heard! HA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHA! Classic. Then the rarely seen Usos enter staking a claim, as well as the Colons. Brawl segment ensues. At least it FEELS like there is a tag team division, so there’s that.

I’ve got to wonder how devastating the WMD would be if taken by Ziggler.

– Booker talks to Teddy about who deserves a title match for the tag titles… and Teddy blanks. Yes, the guy who flow charts tag matches for ten years blanks. Fuck off. Eve enters and did all the research, hands it to Booker and then turns to snub an angry looking Teddy.

– Clip packages for like 13549791035907501 hours.

– * #1 Contender’s Match: Randy Orton vs. Alberto Del Rio. The match is getting lots of time and things start out slow. Why? Randall? Randall? Clean up in aisle 9, Randall, clean up in aisle 9. Price check on boredom…. why must you ruin ADR matches? Then we return to typical rest holds… They keep wrestling… and I’m distracted checking other things, so I type little here. Why? Because I write this as I watch and drink. Sheamus is shitty on the announce table (yes, that theme continues). Orton always seems to make me check out mentally. Fortunately, Orton has some straight-to-DVD movie to film and Del Rio slaps on move #248
“ARM BAR” and submits the bag-shitter. Post match, criminal mastermind, Sheamus attacks ADR because he’s a good guy. FUCK THIS SHIT. HE’S A FUCKING HEEL! STOP THIS SHIT, WWE! Del Rio sneaks his way out of the ring, because that’s what faces do. Ziggler teases the cash in again, only to immediately eat an RKO? WHY? Why the fuck would Orton defend Sheamus here? DUMB!! Fuck it, I made it through wrestling this week.

I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.

The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.

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