Home ▸ SmackDown ▸ Smackdown 09/13/13

Here we are for a go home Smackdown before Night of Champions. There’s very few matches announced for the PPV, however. Let’s see if they add a couple more at the last minute, or choose to do that unannounced on Sunday. Seriously, this is not the way to garner a buy rate, WWE. Do you think you’re TNA now, or something? Sheesh. I’m not wasting time with irrelavant matches tonight

You know what time it is…

“I watch, wRite, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet hAve to remind myself of What happened only minutes afteR Each episode. That is how G’s Smackdown reVIEWS work. And aS J.T. Hogan has observed, it often makes more sense than the program you are actUally watChing. This is not a play-by-play recap, there’s enough of those online. This is a highly-opinionated taKe of the show in question. Also, go fuck yourself, RAW review.

Turns out MLB changed the rules for being busted for PED’s. You descend straight to Hell.

– Video highlights of Bryan getting his little attack in on Orton from RAW air. Then we cut to Big Show in the ring with a prepared statement to read (in his ring gear). It’s an apology for not doing what is best for business which is made to sound like HHH himself wrote it. Then HHH makes his way out, and welcomes us to Friday Night Smackdown! Then he berates Show for his insincerity, and suspends The Big Show for the night without pay. They play up how Sean Michaels is broke, and Show begins to make his way out… until PAY PAL’s music hits! The three make their data-encrypted way out and go to beat the funds out of his salary. Big Show hacks their online banking, and escapes to the safety of the announce table! Show punches and tosses the men around, and then lands a fucking soaring spear onto Reigns! Back into the squared vault they go, and Show is eventually out beat by on his eBay auction attempts via steel chair shots and automated bid-bots. Then the three triple-power bomb him onto Craig’s List for resale as a “Slightly Used Andre The Giant knockoff.”

Best Game Ending Ever?

– * Alicia Fox, Layla and Aksana vs. Naomi, Natalya and Brie Bella. AJ joins commentary again and she’s very natural like on RAW. She goes off on Cole for buring the divas, while AJ makes a case for trying to save the Diva’s division. It’s pretty compelling, but this match? Not so much. This is Total Diva’s fodder. I expect Natalya to take the title from AJ for that show too. Calling that now. AJ decides to run in and Brie, Naomi, and Nattie all beat the fuck out of her. The other women (faces? heels?) save AJ. I guess this is a DQ finish or something. No one knows.

– The next part was ballsy. “Did you know? At the time of this Smackdown taping, Jim Ross was still employed by the WWE? We kicked his ass to the curb! B A Star!”

– Vickie Guerrero is in the ring shrieking something about a dance contest. Really? Yeah he’s in it. What’s up? Him too. Fannnn-Dannn-Gooo…. Naturally makes an appearance. yhioshygiohnsfoiwhgw? No, not Roman Reigns, it’s The Mediocre Khali. You know this is going to be a train wreck.

– * Dance Contest: Featuring R-Truth, Fandango, The Miz and The Mediocre Khali.

Kid N Play! Sweet! I miss that tag team. Too bad John Cena killed them.

– Miz comes out second last. I intentionally put him first just to fuck with you, fine reader. He’s dressed like John Travolta from Grease or something. I thought it was Carlito at first! And he calls himself, “Mizco Inferno!” and then JBL or Cole calls him Horshack. R.I.P. Ron Palillo, I always enjoyed watching Welcome Back Kotter reruns. Yes, even after it jumped the shark too. As retarded as this segment was, it made me laugh. And since I was entertained, I give it a thumbs up. Funny doesn’t draw money, they say, but this was free, so fuck that noise. The crowd gives the win to Miz, and Fandango flips out at this! The other three (well, Truth and Miz as Khali counts his knees. His total is zero), toss Fandango out of the ring.

Raman time!

– A Los Matadores ad airs, and then JBL feigns excitement about their debut shouting Ole and then the soccer chant variation.

– Ryback is doing interviews now, and talks to Robert Evans from Ottawa. Asks him about what his stats are, and his aspirations to be a WWE star. And one day to be in the ring one day with someone the calibre of himself. Ryback also has dreams. It includes unimaginative shots of walls during the breaking of REM sleep. Because Ryback is boring. But at least in this segment he was almost passable as charismatic, as he slaps the Ottawa indie guy to the ground.

GET YOUR ASS TO MARS!

– For some fucking reason, I find myself at 24/7 hotdog stand. That lovable gang of rogues that often invade my apartment are present. That’s right folks, it’s time for Bored Wrestling Fan theatre (read aloud every week on Cocktalk, A.K.A., BWF Radio, every week at 2PM EST!). They are chatting about.

Cocktalk on BWF Radio, every Sunday at 2PM EST!

– * Santino Marella vs. Damien Sandow.

Jorge: So I says, Mabel, So I says…
Joe: What does that The Simpson’s reference have to do with the Milan Miracle vs Our Saviour?
Jorge: It was in the script, Joe.
Mark: I saw that match.
J.T.: Not me. I retired and sold my eyes for the opportunity to spoon with Sunny.
Alice: What was the point of this match?
G: Hey fuckers. It was to pop the locals, like a Zit Remedy reference from Degrassi Junior High.
Mark: What?
G: Only old Canadians will get that, fuck you.
Joe: I read what I’m told to read.
Jorge: Santino basically won in about a minute, it was a cheap way to garner love for the Ontario native.
Alice: And it kind of relegated Damien to jabroni status.
G: What a shitty match that meant nothing, didn’t help sell the PPV this Sunday, and do nothing to help Damien Sandow in any way whatsoever. Stupid.
J.T.: You’re such a mark, G!
Mark: I take personal offense to that. We don’t choose our names. The WWE gives us a list of options we have to choose from.
Joe: G went into massive detail about that on the RAW review theatre segment this week.
G: The fuck I did.
Jorge: Why didn’t you say anything in the shitty RAW review, G?
G: Joe opted not to give me any lines on his so-called “review”. Worst review ever.
Mark: That was stupid, like his reviews.
JT: Makes sense, seeing how terrible the RAW reviews are.
Jorge: I agree,
Alice: No brainer.
Mark: Naturally.
Joe: I….
G: It’s easy to hate. Joe died again, he gets no lines this week. No Cocaine. Nothing.
Jorge: It’s not cool to write off the best part of BWF Radio that easily.
Alice: Who is this “Joe” you speak about?
J.T: Who?
Mark: Jim Neidhart?
Jorge: Nobody important..
G: Feeling the love, Joe.
Jorge: I saw some idiot doing the Fandango dance in Toronto on Monday. Are all Canadians that out of touch?
G: Nah, just the dead ones. I can’t see dead people. Like Joe in New Jersey after WrestleMania.
Alice: You should just trip them if a zombie apocalypse occurs. You taught me that.
G: That’s why you are in my roledex. I would trip Joe first.
J.T.: Am I still pretending to be Hogan and HHH, brother, Jack, Jack-brother?
Mark: Pretending? I saw you onstage with Metallica last week.
Jorge: That was me in a “J.T. Hogan” mask.
Joe: I suck. My reviews suck. G is my new god. I should have put him in the script, but I fucked up. Instead, I stole his gimmick, and then fucked up. I hope Rytman comes back soon.
G: Naturally. We all do. Joe stole my BWF Theatre gimmick but left me out. That’s actualy pretty terrible. I suppose the real wrestling review champion should take that as flattery?
Jorge: Nope. Kill him.
J.T: Wow, that was weak.
Mark: We murder for lesser insults in my country.
Alice: Smackdown reviews are better. That goes without saying…
J.T: Mavenfan misses Rytman
Joe: I stole G’s gimmick, it was me all along! WHEE! SPINNER BELT!
G: And the sad thing is, is that I actually like Joe. I feel like Debra.
Mark: umm…. I…. err…..
Joe: Don’t sweat it Mark. Let’s face it, G is my hero. I left him of the RAW review so he wouldn’t hijack it and destroy me. That’s what I do. I avoid allowing the best BWF show reviewer on my review.
G: Mark is pretty solid too.
Mark: I am. So am I in second place? Does Joe still have a lot left in the tank?
G: Maybe. Joe is no Rytman.
Joe: I wish I was G.
Jorge: Finally, the truth comes out.
J.T.: I don’t care if Ron Killings is gay.
G: No one does…. except maybe…
J.T. Ultimate Warrior: Be a Star!
Alice: Shut the fuck up, Paul Heyman is being interviewed by Michael Cole.

– And just like that, I kick Joe’s knees out from behind, stuff my empty hotdog wrapper in his mouth and shoot him exactly 2 times in the head. He claims he is no longer a zombie. I don’t buy it. Zombieland Rule #2. Double tap.

– Paul Heyman looks like shit. Unshaven and stressed out. He’s got Ryback’s pink eye gimmick now. Curtis Axel tries to defend Heyman’s odds, meh. Heyman then gets mic time and all is saved. “Just because I’ve got a persecution complex, doesn’t mean I’m not being persecuted…” begins Heyman who calls for a public boycott of this Sunday’s PPV. Who wants to see the public destruction of Paul Heyman? Heyman sells the PPV by telling us NOT to buy the PPV. Genius. That, my fellow smarks, is worth seeking out and watching. Heyman is convinced he is a dead man. After a couple weeks of holding patterns, the anti-sell is used to sell the show. Very few could pull this off (Cocktalk, every Sunday…). Heyman can forgive Punk for this, but will never forgive “each… and every… one… of… you!”

His debut match is at Night of Champions.

– * Non-Title Match: Alberto Del Rio {C} vs. Ricardo Rodriguez. I hope we get an El Local or Dos Caras, Jr. run in! That would be awesome. RVD is at ringside as RR takes on ADR on my DVR/PVR while I listen to RWR. Hiyah Alice, how yah doing? Anyways, this is a cute match up that attempts to present the opportunity for Ric-Rod to get his comeuppance. Of course he doesn’t, and ADR slaughters his former announcer buddy like Santa Claus. RVD jumps into the fray and just delay things until Sunday.

Bert’s seen things… Don’t fuck with Bert.

– We then get a clip package inter-spliced with HHH footage talking about what’s best for business as the sound a dove makes. Prince knows what it sounds like When Doves Cry. It sounds like a bunch of internet smarks bitching and complaining online about the WWE not hotshotting this storyline so they can masterbate to Daniel Bryan winning and forget that the money is in the chase, not the moneyshot. You always feel uninspired after the moneyshot, people. You feel dirty and wonder what drew you to that porn site or sex line in the first place. Anticipation, folks. Stop complaining and enjoy the fact the build is making this guy. Orton wins on Sunday, deal with it. You are getting cockblocked. Shredraped, if you will. Also, Booker T made a Pulp Fiction quote on Monday, stop living a lie and get over yourselves. Fuck. Sometimes I hope Dolphins1925 would tattoo the results of the PPV on all of the complaining fuckers with no patience heads while they sleep. That way they can wake up in the morning, look themselves in the mirror, and remember that this is storytelling. HHH is AWESOME right now. So is Stephers. They’re giving us the jerk characters we want to believe they really are in real life, and people are shitting on it? Cena wins, LOL.

– * Non-Title Match: Dean Ambrose {C} vs. Dolph Ziggler. I will forgo pissing all over the non-title stip. I will also forgo doing any kind of play-by-play for this match. I shit you not when I say I review as I watch. Back in hopefully a long time…. Ziggler and Ambrose kick the first segment off with a combination of old school and new school spots. Excellent. The Canadian (always the best) crowd counts each elbow drop via Ziggler in his compulsive spot, capitalizing with a “wwwwWWWWOOOOOAAAAHHHH” to finish it. Up North is almost the calibre of post WM RAW every time. Even with an ok show, the crowd makes it better. Sadly, we come back to a good start, the Marble-Mouth Reigns runs in and causes a DQ! Then The Usos are out for no reason! This sets up a potential PPV match for Sunday which seems to be off and on again on WWE. On the show itself, it becomes a tagteam match.

– *Ziggler/Usos v.s. Dat Shield. Great. I suppose this kind of forecasts the Usos to face the Shield as the competitors on Sunday. Seth Rollins wins with a Frog Splash. So does that mean The Usos will win the Youtube show to face The Shield? Yeah, I think so.

Smart approach.

– * Edge Hosts Another Edition of The Cutting Edge. They let him close the show, since he’s pal’s with Captain Charisma. And he and HHH have the same haircut, and that’s “Good for Business.” Edge fucking up HHH’s line is awesome. He gets his cheap pops, and buries HHH for losing his genitals after marrying the Milk Maid. After putting over Christian (and burying the dead ThinkSoJoE who has trouble with his “caps lock”), he is interrupted by an Randall Keith Orton. Whelp, this segment appears ruined. Daniel Bryan comes out too. Nostril hairs braided and all. Edge calls Orton a sellout, Orton calls him washed out. He’s not too terrible. Bryan is better, but you already knew that. Decent segment. Worth the look if you are in FFW mode. It doesn’t change my opinion on paying for this.

Daniel Bryan’s new finisher is called The MTBJC (The Move That Beat John Cena). So it was written, and show it shall come to pass.

Final Thoughts: Fuck the RAW Review. Superdick that garbage. See you on Sunday, Joe.

I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.

The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.

Tell me I’m a retard on Twitter! Yes, you can mock me on social media now here: @GoftheInternet

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Make sure you tell’em “Jorge” sent you. I will give you a shout out, maybe even get herpes! Hey, free herpes! It’s a win-win situation, right?

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This Smackdown Review Appears on Three Sites!

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A break down of various professional wrestling programs and events from the eyes of the smarky fan! I highly recommend checking out the BWF!

The official home of Wonderpod, and an assortment of content ranging from all things wide and far… depending on what the author’s feel like writing about. A home for reviews, commentary, pop culture, and fiction just to start. Always worth a look.

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Joe continues not to notice this section. 😀 It’s like a Talking Heads song or something. 4 weeks and counting. He was warned.

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WTF?

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Sept 6, 2013. I am a clone of G. I am currently handcuffed to one of the lower legs of G’s sofa in his apartment. Yesterday, while the real G was at work, monkey nearby shrieked at me to attempt to lift the sofa. It worked! I went to thank the monkey located in an open-doored cage on the stairs leading down to the basement of G’s basement apartment, and noticed a large man strapped into a chair in the basement. I then heard the original G returning home. I need to find his magical device that created me…

Sept 13, 2013. The real Gee has noticed my writing. That stupid fuck hasn’t deleted anything, but he did taze me repeatedly. I still think there is a monkey held captive on the stairs to the second level of this building.

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Shameless Plugs!

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