Home ▸ SmackDown ▸ Smackdown 10/04/13: Battleground Go Away Edition

Once again we find ourselves at the door of another WWE PPV, like a girl scout hoping the person answering will buy some cookies, only to have the door open and said cookies snatched from our hands by some god damned cookie stealing motherfucker. That’s right, the WWE wants you $55 and they for some reason think you’re a stalwart little trooper. But let’s face it folks, your the god damned cookie thief, aren’t you? Admit it. Why should you pay for this? What have they done over the last three weeks to entice you? The Rhodes getting fired thing might be all you can come up with. Maybe tonight’s Smackdown will change that… but let’s face it. THERE WILL BE NO COOKIES. ONLY PAIN. Join me, shall you?

Hopping time!

Why is this even here? Why do I do this to myself? Why does The RAW review suck so much? There’s no answers. Just escaped Barkleys. I tried to save you all, and now we are all DOOMED. Shit. I hope you guys like fires.

– The Big Show comes in the ring (and cries, only diluting his semen deposit. BWF Radio, every Sunday @2PM EST). The gooey mess seeps down to the production truck and a single drop falls onto a button which cues a video. This recaps all the horrific violent acts he has been coerced into committing. He deplores to the crowd for understanding. He should take this time to make a kickstarter, because the crowd is eating this up. Big Show is disgusted at himself, and he is unforgivable and is at his lowest. Because of his actions on Monday threatening Hunter S. Thompson with assault, he must face the Shield tonight.

– Cue Hunter who comes out with Damien Sandow’s briefcase, and is dodging imaginary bats. He opens said briefcase and takes out some methadone and Tic-Tacs. Then HHH notes that all of Show’s debts are his own, so he has gone and purchased the mortgage on Show’s house. Show is now indebted to the KEW. I suspect they borrowed this story idea from the real life actions of See That Punk and Joey Mercury? Whatever, this wasn’t terrible. It at least moved the story along a little, and entraps the Show further. But in reality, it doesn’t.

The butler did it.

– We get a show of Rob Van Dam and Ric-Van-Rod walking around in pink variations of Roc Can Cod’s T-Shirt. Why are they pink? I thought real men wore pink. I’m unaware of why everything is pink on RAW this week. Is the answer on the WWE app? I just heard they have one. I hate being so ignorant about what the whole deal with everything being pink in October is about. Please, no one fill me in. I am enjoying this state of mystery. Maybe I can call Scooby Doo and Shaggy and Violent J to come solve the case, because the answer will remain Un-Robert-Stacked (because he’s dead). AND, they’ll eat all of the food in my fridge. I replaced Barkley with William Perry, and he was just fed. Just as long as no one calls Velma. That’s key. KEEP ME UNAWARE. I’d rather just stay in my lab and try to research for a cure for cancer.

@Charles Barkley @G: “I’m coming… you won’t know it when I do, but I’ll hit you when you least realize it’s coming. I know where you live.”

@G @Charles Barkley: “I blame JT for this. Fuck. #IAmFucked”

– G Keeps Rolling! – * Rob Van Dam vs. Fandango (Winner’s contract is up after Battleground match). Fandango and Fall-Camp Ray Dudley have a long entrance. The Ric-Rod introduces RVD, but I just noticed he doesn’t roll the “r’s” on Rob. What a waste. Rolling one’s “r’s” is a beautiful thing. R-r-r-r-roll those fucker’s retards. I love when RVD hits the Rrrrrrrrrrolling Thunderrrrr in Parrrrrise. There’s a commercial break in the match, and I a minor linguistic epiphony. It’s difficult to roll one’s “r’s”, when the “r” ends in a word that has an “s” at the end without introducing a glottal stop. Anyways, Summer Rae interfere’s on a 5-Star Frogsplash attempt giving RVD a DQ victory. Post match, RVD attacks Fandango with weapons, because ECW. At least he hit a Van-Terminator. That is a spot I never tire of.

– Garnering those buyrates, WWE. Keep it up!

Either Google is broken, or nobody knows.

– HOME INVASION TIME!!! Enter the Jorge, Mark, JT and my son from Fall Camp who they said Jorge would pick up in his weekly random transportation method. I don’t have time for that, not with all this crack I smoke.

Joe: Hey Pops, I’m back from Fall-Camp. What’s new?
G: Barkley was set free. Jorge appeared on RWR on Monday.
Jorge: I did (say what ever else you want and shill RWR featuring you, your safe word is “Mexican Food”).
Mark: Was that a slight at me? Just because I’m not American? Sheesh, you guys really are a bunch of motherfuckers.
JT: I am.
JT HHH: Time to play the motherfuckers.
JT Hogan: I invented fucking your mothers!
Joe: Who is my Mom, Daddy G dearest?
G: You’re not my kid. I kind of found you on my doorstep and figured, hey, free-indentured servant.
Mark: WHAT?
Jorge: I met one of those you have.
G: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
JT: The clone G guy. The one handcuffed to the leg of your couch.
Joe: My special friend. I love that guy, I like to call him snuggles.
G: I… What in the hell are you talking about? Joe is my only unpaid labourer. All of this is nonsense. I don’t own a cloning machine.
Mark: I knew it! I read that WTF section in your Smackdown review! The gig is up!
G: There’s no gig. These are all lies. It also doesn’t have the ability to alter reality or travel through time. There are no clones. There is no magical device.
Mark: I can see him sitting right there.
G: Pointing is rude. That’s just… umm… an inflatable fuck doll. Yeah, just one of those.
Jorge: It’s incredibly life like. It even seems like it’s breathing. Wow, it even just smiled and waved at me!
JT: Barkley told me everything, G.
Joe: Dad, why is everyone fighting with you?
G: WE ARE NOT FIGHTING! THERE IS NO TRUTH TO ANY OF THIS! THAT’S JUST MY FUCK DOLL THAT I PUT MY COCK INTO AND SEND SPERM TO THE RECESSES OF HELL ACCORDING TO SOME RELIGIOUS PEOPLE.
Jorge: There is some R-Truth to this. You see, our next match was * Ryback vs. R-Truth.
JT: I didn’t watch. That’s right, I’m on a weekly wrestling podcast, but I can hardly fathom the thought of actually watching wrestling.
JT Hogan: I invented not watching wrestling, dude, brother!
Mark: I caught it.
Jorge: The match?
Mark: And herpes, thanks buddy!
JTG: (yes, JTG is now a thing, you do him in your Canadian voice). Brooklyn! Brooklyn! Money, money, yeah, yeah!
Joe: This reminds me of that time at Fall Camp. I hated that place.
G: Yes, continue to go off on tangents and forget all about my cloning machine and everything else.
Jorge: What was that G?
G: Nothing. You said something about a Ryback versus R-Truth match.
Jorge: Yeah, Paul Heyman more or less sends in Ryback to Killings Ron. It’s not much of a match. Then Curtis Axel comes in and pummels him some more, reminding him that they have a match at Battlegrind.
Joe: That’s Battleground, Uncle Jorge. You are forcing me to go sit in a box.
Jorge: It’s Sunny’s box, little Joe. We’re going to play a game called Knifey-Spoony.
Joe: I want to spoon!
G: Ok, there is no way I’m scripting anything else about that.
Mark: Wait, G and Jorge are brothers?
JT Hogan: I invented brothers, brother!
Mark: Of course you did, JT Hogan. You also invented killing wrestling promotions with your creative booking powers, didn’t you. I’m going to pat you on your head and send you on your way now JT Hogan.
JT HHH: We’re not interested in anyone TNA. It’s not Best for Business, and has no Cadence. And if you’re not down with that, we’ve got three words for you….
G: RAW Reviews Suck.

– And just like that, they all vanish as if I have a secret cloning machine that can teleport, time-travel and alter reality. Shit, I didn’t say anything about teleporting earlier. Fucking Barkley. I blame JT. I send them to work as Fluffers somewhere, except Jorge who rides off on his undead Pegasus he named Sir Rottinghorse. Not a clever name, but he likes it.

– Renee Young talks to ADR backstage, because that’s what she does. Mid-interview he receives a dented garbage can that RVD Van Terminated into Fandango earlier. Totally buying the PPV now!

– * Non-Title Match: Alberto Del Rio {C} vs. Dolph Ziggler. I have no interest in this match. This whole card tonight is inconsequential thus far. I warned you people. Fuck. I notice that ThinkSoJoE finally updated the “About” section at Bored Wrestling Fan. I forgot I edited in the music video for Ugly Kid Joe’s “Busy Bee” as part of my bio. I haven’t heard that in a while, so I listen to it as this match keeps going like an Energizer Bunny with a vampiric curse aimed at vegetables. Bunnicula, bitches.

– Damien Sandow does a fine job on commentary, dismissing the questions by Cole about his MitB briefcase and it’s illicit narcotic contents. He also denies flooding a hotel room in Las Vegas, claiming it was Hunter and his lawyer, Machete-Kills. Shut up, I know those actors are not the same people. Don’t Be-Trejo me and break kayfabe. That midget in a bull costume was actually a bull on RAW. Or maybe it was Bullet-tit-machine guns, a typical house-hold gadget found in any Modern Family. THAT’S WHY EVERYONE IS WEARING RED THIS MONTH! There’s a huge sale on bullet-bras at Walmart. I immediately ask Scooby and Shaggy to leave. Not Violent J. I introduce him to William Perry in my apartment basement.

– This match is still on? Sure, I went off on tangents… but this match was actually very good. The problem was, that it was not really that relevant to the overall build to anything. ADR submitted Ziggler with an armbar. Sandow clapped on. Running in isn’t becoming of his persona. People want the cash in to fail. I don’t. His gimmick is based on intelligence, and his character will have none of your generic Dijon Mustard.

I applaud this sign. Smarten up, hockey parents. Your kid probably is never going to make the NHL. 700 jobs per season. This sign should be in every arena.

– * Los Matadores vs. 3MB. Sigh. 3MB are angry about losing to a debuting tag team. I just don’t care about this. It’s a joke, and if the tag-team division is treated as such, why should a grown-ass adult care? I TRY to be positive. JT of BWF Radio told me to be positive. Then he retired. If a dude who tells me to be positive gives up, I can’t take that criticism seriously. That’s Hulk Hogan talk. This just reeks of dumb. It’s too bad. I actually kind of like all four of these guys. Does anyone in Los Matadores even have an individual name yet? One of them wins with some kind of two man finisher. Buy the PPV. Hashtag Wrestlecrap.

Done, and done!

– BWF Radio’s own sold his soul to the dark side and wrote a fucking article for us. Kudos, you smarthy bastard. Seriously though man, good work. No one gets paid here. WWE: Triple H – Thy Kingdom Come [Blu-ray] Review (Sort Of) Go check it out if you are on the fence about illegaly downloading it. It’s got lots of creepy footage of HHH vs Stephanie McMahon is a Marriage Match (WWE ownership on the line). Spoiler: Shane lost.

– Paul Heyman with Ryback and Curtis Axel talk with Renee Young backstage. Same shit, different pile. Not bad, not different. Buy the PPV. I actually FFW’d through the second half, and I love Paul Heyman. I’ve never done that.

– I’ve figured it out! I know why the WWE has all their shirts and ring ropes made pink. It’s because of that flash-in-the-pan girl singer from the early 2000’s. 😀 I’m smart. PINK IS COMING TO THE WWE! I CRACKED THE FUCKING CODE! SEND ME MONEY! She actually was “a thing”

Pink awareness month!

– Speaking of “things” that were a “a” that we will forget later (c/o: Total Divas)….

– * Brie Bella vs. Aksana. Why? Brie Bella won, I assume. TL;DR

Makes sense.

– I think I see Barkley outside hiding beside a few deer that frequent my neighbours lawn. Since I live in Canada, we still have wildlife roaming free here, even in a city like Calgary. I attempt to channel my inner Dryad powers and request the deer to attack Barkley, but then AJ Lee skips out with her inability to wrestle well, but be So-Cal. She mocks Brie’s future marriage to Bryan, and is accompanied by Samoa Joe, I think. Either way, dead babies and shit. PG TV. Good times, great oldies! I could’ve rewinded, but that’s quitter talk.

JT Hogan: I invented being a quitter brother talk, dude.
G: Yeah.
JT Hogan: Dude, brother?
G: Nope.
Mark: Hogan took a giant shit on TNA.
Jorge: I’m not here, don’t mind me. Just leaving the “No Move Power” RAW Deal card on the table.
JT Hogan: I invented…
Jorge: I went to Fall Camp for this?
G: Yes.
Joe: You’re a bad father
Jorge: Awkward.
Mark: Clones are not children.
G: Get off my lawn. I’m done with this episode of Smackdown. JT needs to start watching again, that old dude in the cave from Zelda lied. That sword didn’t protect me from shit. Start watching again, or I will target you every walmart, O-Kmart? Shop smark. Shop S-Mark.
Mark: Yes?
G: … Mexican food.

I thought the last raman gif I posted was bad ass. I was wrong.

– * Kofi Kingston vs. Big E. Langston. Bray Wyatt, who is awesome (stop complaining), cuts a promo about murdering a random Ghanian on Sunday. Biggie Smalls beats him to it, and is shot and murdered later. Kharma’s a bitch. Actually, she lost a lot of weight. Then the Wyatt family come down to further murder Kofi. Silly Putty never dies. It just bounces away to another kid who adds his finger oil to the petridish of infection. A short little promo from my favorite psychopath, Bray Wyatt ensues. He’ll be on the PPV, canoeing down the stream of a river I call my laptop. Big Show is not invited. He tends to make the buttons sticky.

!!!

– * Handicap Match: Big Show vs. Randy Orton & The Shield. They added Orton for some reason. Because it’s best for? Dumb. Don’t care. Fuck this shit. I’ll watch it. No real time play-by-play. Fuck Joe, fuck the WWE, fuck paying for the PPV, I’ll fuck anything that moves. How many cocks will I suck on the way to my car in the parking lot? It certainly won’t by 37. It won’t even be one. Because I just don’t care. Fuck this PPV. That’s what happens when you free Charles Barkley from my basement, JT.

– This is purely how the Shield would face the Big Show in a handicap match. If you ever wondered how they would fare against him in this format, here is your answer. It’s a decent bout, but it is irrelevant to the stories they want us to pay for. It’s just a one-off. We end up thos Usos running in to interfere, and Daniel Bryan as well. All in pink shirts to promote pink, because that’s a colour. There was likely a DQ. But that didn’t matter. Buy the PPV?

I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.

The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.

Tell me I’m a retard on Twitter! Yes, you can mock me on social media now here: @GoftheInternet

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I APPEAR WEEKLY ON BWF RADIO!

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Joe continues not to notice this section. 😀 It’s like a Talking Heads song or something. 4 weeks and counting. He was warned.

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WTF?

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Sept 6, 2013. I am a clone of G. I am currently handcuffed to one of the lower legs of G’s sofa in his apartment. Yesterday, while the real G was at work, monkey nearby shrieked at me to attempt to lift the sofa. It worked! I went to thank the monkey located in an open-doored cage on the stairs leading down to the basement of G’s basement apartment, and noticed a large man strapped into a chair in the basement. I then heard the original G returning home. I need to find his magical device that created me…

Sept 13, 2013. The real Gee has noticed my writing. That stupid fuck hasn’t deleted anything, but he did taze me repeatedly. I still think there is a monkey held captive on the stairs to the second level of this building.
Sept 20, 2013. Made progress today. Discovered some kind of cloning device. I used it to clone the device itself, and hid the copy under the couch I am “hand-cuffed” to. The monkey saw this, but I don’t think he’ll say anything. He’s a monkey, after all. Some dude named Johnny Storm stopped by to say hi. Weird.

Sept 27, 2013. An obese man who claims to be famous magically appeared in the living room today. He told me the cloning gadget I made a copy of has the powers to do much more. Sounded like a bunch of crap to me. I immediately knocked him out and tied him up beside the one the “real” G calls “Barks.” Both look the same. I killed the new guy and fed him to the other captives. I think. They both look the same. All of that future-talk and preventing the death of kayfabe annoyed me. Either way, one of the “Barks” was dinner. He tasted like chicken. Big surprise there.

Oct 4, 2013. So I guess the guy I fed to his doppleganger was actually able to escape last week with help from that J.T. guy. He was screaming something about “his” chair. Either way, G is pissed and punished me all week. He said something about maybe sending me to Fall Camp. I decided to not make any decisive moves. It seems for the best. Just like the WWE, I guess, albeit “best” isn’t the “best” word I’d use to describe the product.

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Shameless Plugs!

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