Home ▸ SmackDown ▸ Smackdown 10/18/13: Because, you know. They have a show on Friday.

I’m already disinterested. Let’s see if the WWE changes my attitude, shall we?

Hopping time…

Dat RAW Review? Dat thing sucks. It hus roned mah spullen.

– A video recap from RAW airs showing the Rhodes Bro’s winning the tag titles from The Shield with a little help from The Big Show.

– Brad Maddox and Vickie Guerrero kick off the show. SHRIEK TIME! The ring ropes remain pink and white, therefore:

IT’S STILL A FUCKING COLOR! BE SAVVY!

– Maddox’s job tonight is to ensure that Big Show doesn’t trespass, and he has employed a bunch of security. So Big Show will of course show up. Vickie says something, etc.

– Daniel Bryan’s music hits before the General Motors can leave Detroit, and he’s here to shut down the government of Canada, buddy. The crowd chants’ “Oui!”. Actually, he’s here to offer his assistance. Bryan notes that Big Show has already breached security, and his music plays as a joke on the GMs. But who IS here, is our new tag team champs. Vickie is annoyed, so she Booker-T’s the three faces into a match against The Shield as our main event. I’m cool with that.

@Charles Barkley @G: “Chuck forgets nothing, G. I am punishing you with a TNA PPV this weekend. #Revenge”

@G @Charles Barkley: “As are we, on BWF Radio this Sunday @2PM EST.”

– * The Wyatt Family (w/ Deeply Bruised Bray) vs. Kofi Kingston & The Miz (w/ Vacant). This doesn’t look like something that will be thrilling. Coffee is wearing some heinous bright red pants with green somethings on them. I keep thinking about Christmas wrapping paper. Then Kofi jumps from the top rope with no observable attempt at a move into Harper’s big boot. Fascinating. The Wyatts are supposed to be murdering these guys and hiding their bodies in some bayou or something. WHAT HAPPENED TO THE MURDERING? They still crush the faces, with Harper landing a 360 clothesline on Kofi for the pin. Post match, Bray cuts a creepy rant about being the “hammer” that everybody fears, and making comparisons to them being the nails. I just was hoping he was going to murder them, like in the plan.

I love Halloween!

– * Non-Title Match: AJ Lee {C} vs. Brie Bella. THRILLING! SIGN ME UP. Didn’t we basically just see this every week since the dawn of time? And it’s non-title, so we’ll get it again at Hell in the Cell! Brie has a bandaged up shoulder because she fucking sucks. Tamina is at ringside to protect AJ for whatever unexplained reason she has been doing this. I notice a small flying object outside my apartment window. Very small aliens get out and begin to speak to me. They say that they are hear to save the human race with a cure for Susan Kohman. They can bring world peace and end famine. They also have technology to prevent the dissemination of hate and discrimination. “Sounds pretty cool,” I say, “And being the ambassador of planet Earth, on behalf of us all, thank you!”. The leader alien just stares at blankly. “What?” I ask. More blank stares. He/she/it gets into their ship along with the others and they fly away. I think I fucked up, guys. I think I fucked up real bad. Oh, Brie Bella won somehow.

Shitty timing?

– Big Show interrupts Lillian Garcia rocking his pink WWE merch (which he wouldn’t receive royalties for, if he was legit fired… so that makes sense). He gets the microphone and talks about this online petition Xavier Woods started to get him his job back. Brad Maddox and Vickie come out, and both flip out about him starting his own personal invasion angle. Show has nothing, and has that much to lose, so he K.O.’s Maddox. That was actually a pretty convincing looking worked punch. Brad took one for the team there. See, HHH doesn’t work Tuesdays. Remember that joke? Me neither.

Only high-fives people when he’s on the kayfabe payroll.

– * CM Punk vs. Big E. Langston. Why? I don’t know. Big E. “Mr. Cocaine Hands” Smalls makes his way out, and Punk informs the referee he is straight edge and demands Big E washes his hands. A wash basin is brought out by a small band of misfit rogues wearing pink togas chanting about Ivory. We haven’t seen her in the WWE for like a decade.

– Anyway, the match is given a double segment, and honestly isn’t god awful. Punk certainly is carrying the match, but Langston does seem to be improving. Langston seems to have added a half-boston-crab to his repertoire. What I really took away from this match, is that Biggie Langston is about the same height as Punk, just much more inflated. Punk wins clean.

– Post match, Heyman, Ryback and Mr. Perfect’s kid appear at the top of the ramp and do their thing. It’s the same thing again. Great as always, but it’s just gone on WAY too long. Punk notes the stip of the PPV match being Ryback and Heyman locked in the cell with him, and, etc. Then the three come down to take out Punk, BUT NO! Heyman weasels away. Then Biggie Langston comes to Punk’s aid to even the odds. So we’ll see them tag on Monday? Yeah, probably.

Damn right.

– ADR makes his way out… Yawn. Not into this tonight. I check the mail, and see a flyer for BWF Radio Theatre. It’s still on hiatus, but will return probably before the end of the month. I’m taking a break as we do some special BWF Radio episodes we had planned. Seems like the best time to do that… anyways, tune in this Sunday for a TNA Bound For Glory special, and a tribute to TNA/Impact through the years. We should have at least one special guest IWC person on as well. Back to Smackdown as I truly am feeling the suffering tonight…

– ADR is waving a Mexican flag in the ring, because being proud of your non-‘Murican heritage makes you a heel in an immigrant-based county, right? Iron Sheik and Nikolai Volkoff are seen in the audience dressed entirely in pink. Volkoff holding up a sign that says, “Free Nail Yakupov” while Sheik is anally raping a humble quadriplegic. A naked ThinkSoJoE streaks through the ring with Buffalo Sabres’ facepaint shouting something about the Bills being from Toronto. Hell, even ThatDamnDoubleC is sighted in full Outback Jack costume. He thought it was Gene Snitzky’s fault, after all. I am immediately traded to the San Jose Sharks for Tomas Hertl. Good times. I had Taco Bell last night. It was shitacular.

KTHX HEYZEUS.

– Josh “One ‘T'” Mathews is here to interview ADR about the returning substance abusing John Cena (or from the lying assholes at WWE about his actually injury status). ADR claims he is going to win, of course. ADR should fake a fatal illness and Make-A-Wish NOT to meet John Cena. I’d mark out for that. ADR then puts Josh in an arm-breaker-Barrett-Barrage-Energy-Bar. Wade is pissed about this gimmick infringement.

– Then Josh Mathews then interviews Vacant. Vacant tells the crowd that in Hell in the Cell, Shaun Micheals has a personal vendetta against him/her/it. Vacant defeated HBK back in the late nineties for HBK’s smile, and has held a grudge about it ever since. But Vacant will still prevail by defeating both Daniel Bryan and Randall Keith Orton to retain their WWE title. Vacant then turns to face the camera and notes, “The reason Cena is returning to face Alberto Del Rio is not because he’s scared. But he should be. The reason is, is that Cena can’t see me!” Josh Mathews looks confused, then notes, “Nobody can see you. You don’t exist!” Vacant spin’s upon it’s heel and opens a vortex to an ethereal hellish dystopian nightmare, a place where every day is the same… it’s called the WWE Universe. GOD DAMN ADVANCE SOME STORIES! I crawl into a small hole and punch Punxsutawney Phil in the face repeatedly screaming, “THIS IS FOR BILL MURRAY!” to no one in particular.

MORPHING TIME!

– * The Real Americans (w/ Track 10 off of Nirvana’s “Bleach” album) vs. The Usos (w/ The entire Island of Samoa). Paul MacLean joins commentary. We get our swing segment in early on a random Uso, as it’s just a distracting debate on commentary about immigrants. Volkoff tries to attack the commentary booth, but is ejaculated from the arena (Cocktalk, every Sunday on BWF Radio, 2PM EST). Sheik holds up a sign in the audience asking “Where’s J.T.? I want to humble him”. OLE! Out comes El Generico, or El Generico Mexicano (actually Peurto Rico) to interrupt the match like a bunch of Canadian border jumpers. This is just pure silliness. I won’t lie to you, though. It’s kind of fun. El Torito heads for the border and kicks Paul MacLean straight in the nutsack. This distraction allows The Uso Clones to hit their finishers or something on Jacked-off-by-Volkoff Swagger for the pin, win, and happy ending.

Like I said, nerds, I love Halloween!

– * Daniel Bryan, Cody Rhodes & Goldust vs. The Shield. This match should be solid, and after the plethora of entrances… oh shit, they gave Orton the microphone. Orton attempts to talk about things. “Way over your head” is his special phrase in this. The WWE staff are seen handing out pillows to the audience. Does anyone else every wonder if the “I hear voices in my head…” line in Orton’s theme song is just a rib on the announcers who have to deal with Vince screaming at them in their headphones during the show? Just curious…

That explains it.

– After we return from advertisements for “P.A.G.” (The People Against G) due to my accidentally ruining positive change in the world for permanently deafening the miniscule alien visitors with my giant voice, our match gets under way. I send… umm… “someone” back in time to correct this problem. He better not fuck it up…

– And we’re back! Well we were already back, but I digress… I just watched this match. Hot Fudge Sundae, I’ll tell you what, Bobby. I’m lactose intolerant, fuck that, I’m a straight up milk racist. Regardless, this match was pretty fun to watch. It’s rather chaotic, and after a shmozz, Bryan lands The MTBJC on Ambrose to win clean and pick up the win. I don’t like Ambrose jobbing clean here, but it is what it is. Outside of that, solid main event.

I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.

The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.

Tell me I’m a retard on Twitter! Yes, you can mock me on social media now here: @GoftheInternet

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This Smackdown Review Appears on Three Sites!

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A break down of various professional wrestling programs and events from the eyes of the smarky fan! I highly recommend checking out the BWF!

The official home of Wonderpod, and an assortment of content ranging from all things wide and far… depending on what the author’s feel like writing about. A home for reviews, commentary, pop culture, and fiction just to start. Always worth a look.

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Joe continues not to notice this section. 😀 It’s like a Talking Heads song or something. 4 weeks and counting. He was warned.

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WTF?

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Sept 6, 2013. I am a clone of G. I am currently handcuffed to one of the lower legs of G’s sofa in his apartment. Yesterday, while the real G was at work, monkey nearby shrieked at me to attempt to lift the sofa. It worked! I went to thank the monkey located in an open-doored cage on the stairs leading down to the basement of G’s basement apartment, and noticed a large man strapped into a chair in the basement. I then heard the original G returning home. I need to find his magical device that created me…

Sept 13, 2013. The real Gee has noticed my writing. That stupid fuck hasn’t deleted anything, but he did taze me repeatedly. I still think there is a monkey held captive on the stairs to the second level of this building.
Sept 20, 2013. Made progress today. Discovered some kind of cloning device. I used it to clone the device itself, and hid the copy under the couch I am “hand-cuffed” to. The monkey saw this, but I don’t think he’ll say anything. He’s a monkey, after all. Some dude named Johnny Storm stopped by to say hi. Weird.

Sept 27, 2013. An obese man who claims to be famous magically appeared in the living room today. He told me the cloning gadget I made a copy of has the powers to do much more. Sounded like a bunch of crap to me. I immediately knocked him out and tied him up beside the one the “real” G calls “Barks.” Both look the same. I killed the new guy and fed him to the other captives. I think. They both look the same. All of that future-talk and preventing the death of kayfabe annoyed me. Either way, one of the “Barks” was dinner. He tasted like chicken. Big surprise there.

Oct 4, 2013. So I guess the guy I fed to his doppleganger was actually able to escape last week with help from that J.T. guy. He was screaming something about “his” chair. Either way, G is pissed and punished me all week. He said something about maybe sending me to Fall Camp. I decided to not make any decisive moves. It seems for the best. Just like the WWE, I guess, albeit “best” isn’t the “best” word I’d use to describe the product.

Oct 18, 2013. It’s been a while since I’ve been able to write here. G has been continually sending me off to ancient historical eras to collect random artifacts. I don’t understand why a stool sample from Henry Hudson is so important. And what was the point of leaving a smoke bomb in the front hall of the Palace of Versailles on May 6, 1682? I’m told I’m going to have to… gotta go. He’s home.

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Shameless Plugs!

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