Home ▸ SmackDown ▸ Smackdown 11/08/13

Hey look who is back. Just like Cena, I can’t stay away. The WWE has injured my brain, and you know what that means…

Hopping time…

“I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s Smackdown reviews work. And as J.T. Hogan has observed, it often makes more sense than the program you are actually watching. This is not a play-by-play recap, there’s enough of those online. This is a highly-opinionated take of the show in question. Often these reviews are read aloud on BWF Radio, a show that ThatDamnDoubleC hijacks and attempts to be funny in the show notes. He’s never funny. Also, go fuck yourself, RAW review.

– The show opens with a psychedlic horror film package of The Wyatt Family’s attacks of late upon Punk and Bryan. It’s a pleasing start to a terrible night to have a curse. But I’ve waxed poetic upon the art of using one’s whip to transform a candlebra into holy water, health drops, or throwing knives. Simon Belmont was not booked tonight. The second player from Contra was, though.

– Punk enters into a hot arena, and demands that McMahon turns on the air conditioning. Speaking of old school Nintendo characters, Punk has “the angers” with the likes of Bayou Billy and his henchman on loan from Marvel Comics, Swamp Thing and Gambit of the X-Men. They keep jump-man-ing him and the fucking princess is in another castle. WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS. Then Konnan’s favorite wrestler pops up on the TurnerTron, and challenges Punk to a mosh pit match!

Boom.

– * Non-Title Mosh Pit Match: Curtis Axel {C} vs. CM Punk! Things start off intensely as the match morphs into a FROSH PIT MATCH! Axel goes Incognito and riles up the audience with racist slurs! Oh Noes! Actually, the two men are having a pretty physical contest, and Axel is seen limping around as Punk gets laid out, likely due to the explosion of his left testicle reported on “Cock Talk” a.k.a. BWF Radio, recently. It airs every Sunday DEAD to air on boredwrestlingfan.com and can also be downloaded via carrier pigeon on iTunes. HHH’s penis was reported to not be impressed backstage and called for a commercial break just after Punk screams, “It’s Clobbering Time!” This, of course, is code for handjob time, and that means HHH just fucked us all over. God damn shovel… Cocktalk, every Sunday…

– AND WE’RE BACK AND THE ANNOUNCERS TELL US THAT THIS SENTENCE IS COMPLETELY WRITTEN IN CAP LOCKS AND THE EXPLANATION FOR AS TO WHY (AND WHY THERE IS WHITE GOOEY GOO ALL OVER THE PLACE) CAN ONLY BE FOUND ON THE APP. We return and Axel has Punk in his sweet embrace, rubbing his cock elbow all over Punk’s face, because that hurts. To be fair this match is actually rather good, and both men do a good job. It’s just a shame we’ve seen it so many times before.

– Then I read that Cassius OH NO was released by the WWE from his NXT contract. Nutty. Batty. Chocolatey. Just a new flavor of Barrett Barrage energy Bars available soon. You, yes, you can taste the flavors of disappointment and unreached potential!

– Than Dat Wyatt Family music plays as a distraction. It doesn’t serve too well, as Punk still picks up the win. Crazy chuckling is heard post match, the lights dim, and creepy ol’ man Wyatt appears on the JumboTron smiles and blows Luke Harper out his Green Lantern Corps.

Wait for it… wait for it…

– * The Usos and R-Truth vs. 3MB. Will the 3MB’s EVER perform their song? R-Truth does. It’s his usual one. I see this a purely a way to continue to elevate the Usos, and having Truth in the ring to add a little rubbing alcohol to their decension into alcoholism. Oh wait, the latter is me. 90% proof baby! Tastes like chicken. Truth hits his usual scissor kick spot and his modified chin breaker for a nearfall on Calgary’s own, the cowboy, Jinder Mahal! The other two non-Calgarian 3MB’s eat stereo suicide dives from the Usos allowing Truth to ultimately pin Jinder and his horse.

– * AJ and Tamina vs. Cameron and Naomi. TOTAL DIVAS RETURNS THIS SUNDAY! AJ cuts a little box within a box sarcasm spot about it. I won’t lie to you, I will watch this. And sadly, accordingly, I have to watch this match featuring Lady Tapout Energy Drinks and AJ Styles (the latter only appearing to wrestle in AAA on the Dixietron). It’s amazing what modern technology allows, hey? AJ almost submits the better of the two Funkatractors, Cameron, as “Clappy”, the the other Fuckingdactyl claps. Then Michelle McCool manages to tag in Candice Michelle, but AJ will have none of it, sucking her into the television like in that movie Polergeist. Maggots in the trashcan, I tell you, GET OUT! Then AJ comes out of the television like in that movie The Ring, and submits Clappy and celebrates with Big Sexy, Kevin Tamina. Good times, just like Little Joe had at Fall Camp where he finally defeated Mike Tyson AND Balrog in a Punch Out: Turbo Edition competition against Fred Savage’s little brother.

– BACKSTAGE! I interview Don “Jorge” King about Little Joe’s big win at Fall camp.

G: Don Jorge King, your client just picked up the biggest win of his career. How do you feel?
Jorge King: Much, much richer. My pockets have been lined with more gold than than a thin man at an all you can eat salad bar!
G: Right. And what advice did you give Little Joe before the big showdown.
Jorge King: Hit him in the grill. Wind up, eat the baby, and nail his sorry ass like a mesiah to the cross in the crotch.
Little Joe: I punched him in the George Foreman.
G: Isn’t the grill refer to the teeth? Shouldn’t you have told him to go all Isaac Yankem on his opponent?
Jorge King: We roll, we win, we get paid.
Little Joe: We get paid? I just kicked him in the nuts like you said.
Jorge King: What the man means, is yes.
G: Just like how he beat King Brodus?
Jorge King: Right in the recently removed naval piercing!
G: I believe the naval has nothing to do with his genitallia.
Little Joe: I like to punch people. Mama said it’s like making scrambled eggs that you can’t eat, and you don’t have to clean up after because the pan forgets everything about making breakfast.
Jorge King: We’ll get your mugshot on the cover of Sports Illustrated just yet, champ.
G: Thanks gentlemen, back to you, me, in the studio. For G’s imagination, this is G. Back to you G!

– “Thanks G!” I say to my disabled webcam that no longer works due to a Little Joe’s previous match.

@Charles Barkley @G: “Don’t be fooled by JT’s attempt to script us to be friends again. That was a Halloween special. I’m bringing a friend over…”

@G @Charles Barkley @randomredhead: “I will fuck up both of your guys shit. When you get here, make sure you both step on the front step matt labelled, “not a hole”. OK?”

– ADR comes out and calls the audience a bunch of pinkos or Andy Warhols or something. John Cena is a thief, who stole ADR’s car, ate some Mexican food and had explosive diarrhea in the car. Then Cena put a hit out on Santa that we can collect on by calling 1(900)KILLOPTIMUSPRIME. I swear he said that. JT is seen in the audience holding up ThatDamnDoubleC’s broken penis which has a piercing and a tattoo on it that says, “Boss, zee plane!” Odd. Job time, it’s John Cena! He’s a gangster again! He’s a bad, bad, man! :/ Cena does one of his typical rants. It’s mildly entertaining if you like this stuff. Cena calls ADR from his own 900 number and asks for tonight’s match to be the title rematch. ADR agrees.

Hey! Environmental damage!

– Smackdown GM, MILF Lisa Ann, cums down the entrance ramp and two camera men fall suffering career ending injuries. She continues to squirt about that we already got the Punk on Axel action for free on the topical cream application earlier, and that this showdown will only be available to Brazzer’s subscribers on the next live stream only available at their website (and Pornhub.com, and Fapdu.com, and on The Pirate’s Bay, and….).

– Best for business prevails, and Vickie denies the rematch. To the chagrin of both men, our next match begins as a cloud of dust EXPLODES into the arena killing all of the show’s momentum. Rob Ford enters as his manager, handing out bags of crack and players from the Buffalo Bills as…

Brilliant!

– * Alberto Del Rio vs. The Mediocre Khali. R.I.P. Roland Alexander who hovers at ringside with the Ghost of Teddy Long. Roland had to pay lots of money for Khali’s blunders that led to another man’s death. Maybe Roland will Booker-T into a match with the fallen trainee versus Khali? Long suggests a tagteam match, and Roland just stares at Long angrily as Jim Cornette’s ghost appears backstage and slaps Santino Marella again for no reason. Mike Adamle has a sad. What? This match is terrible. ADR does his best to hide Khali’s immobility, but that’s an impossible task. Micheal Cole calls the match “solid.” I try shoving Immodium and Pepto-Abysmal into my USB drive because Cole’s lies gave me the running shits. Then I create a Kickstarter for G to purchase a new laptop. FFW. Save yourself time, people. Just writing Meh killed more braincells than Little Joe killed at Fallcamp against Mark Noyce in a warm up match. I think that happened, I can’t remember. Chris Nowinski stops by. ADR wins.

This is the best representation of the IWC I could find.

– I’m interviewed by BBC correspondent, Mark Noyce, backstage…

Mark: G, can I get a moment of your time?
G: I… sure. It’s got to be quick, I have to go interview you.
Mark: What’s your comments on your recent interview with Little Joe and Don “Jorge” King.
G: They’re people.
Mark: And by people, what you mean? I don’t work for the BBC, that’s kind of racist.
G: Soylent Green. It’s also people. I’m Canadian. We hate Americans. We burnt down their White House once because we’re also racists.
Mark: But Canada was settled by Europeans who were white as well, I don’t understand. Don’t all of you smoke crack now?
G: See, that was this mayor dude from Tyranny, otherwise known as Toronto. Everyone else in Canada hates that city. That’s where Scott lives, buddy.
Mark (Take a deep breath, if you laugh, just stop and breathe, dude): I was under the impression that all Canadians rode polar bears or orca’s with a lance of ice. They got by day to day with a lunch pail filled with maple syrup and beaver flesh. They all are in the NHL, and enjoy Walrus Blubber snacks at 10 AM every day. 10 AM, of course, is a part of the metric system. That means it doesn’t exist outside of ‘Murica, rather just in the nether regions of a wintry hell where sled dog taxis rule the dichotomy of politics. A place where a fat man is considered a smart man, as he can live off his blubber like a walrus or grizzly bear. A place where people with the last name Hart or Gretzky is legendary and an ice statue will survive an eternity. All people smoke crack and…
G: That’s Toronto, dude. Rob Ford is the mayor of Toronto, not Canada.
Mark: I’ve only heard of Rob Ford.
G: All the rest of that was true. Also, we use maple syrup in I.V.’s to recover. Also, hockey is not actually our national sport. It’s Lacrosse.
Mark: What’s Lacrosse?
G: It’s like Shirling as depicted on the CBC classic, “Kid’s in the Hall”.
Mark: The fuck.
G: Look it up, this interview is over.
Mark: This was your interview.
G: Roddy Piper is Canadian.

– And with that, I sneak former PM Tony Blair into Buckingham Palace and staple old-people-face to his kind of already old-people-face. No one notices. I actually did this in 2008. Well… you could “say” I did this.

Solid play!

– * Daniel Bryan vs. Luke Harper. Hey, hey, Bryan is up against the man who “retired” Cassius Ohno on NXT this week. Harper is ok, but I hope he saves him American pennies. Since he made his name from the province of Toronto… being Ontario, Canada… which technically is in Canada (but fuck the Rob Ford, break his back, make humble), we don’t use pennies up here any more. It’s up to us Inspector Gadgets to solve our own special operation missions. Brain was put to sleep by CM Punk. Yes, CM Punk murdered that cartoon dog. Harper is from New York State. technically, and Bryan does his best to have a technical match with the hoss. Wyatt watches a decent multi-segment match with Rowan.. but eventually Harper taps to a YES! Lock as Bryan goes over. Post match Punk runs in the fend off Rowan and Harper and set up the PPV program. FFW if you can.

– The RAW recap package airs where Big Show gets the handicap thing. Roman Reigns might be living with a hernia from that terrible looking move. It was weird, Al… Creed. Shout out. WWE App, etc…. yawn.

– Bella’s sell WWE shit. Cole talks red-tie-Kanes with HHH hashtag: seat-filler,

– * Non-Title Match: John Cena {C} vs. Ryback. Are we supposed to give a fuck about this? I don’t. I’ll watch it… you shouldn’t. You know what happens. LOL, CENA WINS, but he doesn’t because of match interference as there is 30 minutes left. Most of this is terrible. Charles Barkley drops by, and we pretend it’s still Halloween so we can both use that adjective. This match is full of drawn out rest holds and minor power moves for way too long. While the booking has been questionable, this main event was not worth anyone’s time. Cena wins. ADR runs out post match and works the injured elbow. Quotation marks, smarks, because super-Cena, et cetera.

SHO-RYU-KEN!

– I spoke with Jorge and Joe on facebook this week. Both of them were Rob Fords, but you already knew that. Seriously, though, I love them both. Turns out my BWF Radio streak is likely to be 100 episodes. So the rest the the BWF can fuck themselves. Beat that, jerks. So I sent them this: “And you tried to beat my streak, Jorge. Mr. One Hundred laughs at your Giant Gonzalez. He laughs and laughs, until he has a seizure and is helped by EMT’s. Then he laughs and laughs again, so they revive him a second time. Sadly, he continues the process a third time while the paramedic’s walk away in disgust. G’s tombstone simply has the number “100” placed upon it. G’s body is mummified and placed on display at Niagra Fall’s Ripley’s Believe It Or Not Museum as the man who actually showed up 100 weeks in a row.
Cock Talk.
See you Sunday, assholes.”

I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.

The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.

Tell me I’m a retard on Twitter! Yes, you can mock me on social media now here: @GoftheInternet

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I APPEAR WEEKLY ON BWF RADIO!

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Listen LIVE starting at 2 PM EST here. here on Mixlr.com.
Check out BWF Radio every week. It goes up on i-Tunes on Sunday in the late afternoon of North America
Call in and leave a message (via Skype or Gmail and save a buck) at: 1(716)-HOGAN-97

Make sure you tell’em “Jorge” sent you. I will give you a shout out, maybe even get herpes! Hey, free herpes! It’s a win-win situation, right?

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This Smackdown Review Appears on Three Sites!

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Joe continues not to notice this section. 😀 It’s like a Talking Heads song or something. 4 weeks and counting. He was warned.

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WTF?

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Sept 6, 2013. I am a clone of G. I am currently handcuffed to one of the lower legs of G’s sofa in his apartment. Yesterday, while the real G was at work, monkey nearby shrieked at me to attempt to lift the sofa. It worked! I went to thank the monkey located in an open-doored cage on the stairs leading down to the basement of G’s basement apartment, and noticed a large man strapped into a chair in the basement. I then heard the original G returning home. I need to find his magical device that created me…

Sept 13, 2013. The real Gee has noticed my writing. That stupid fuck hasn’t deleted anything, but he did taze me repeatedly. I still think there is a monkey held captive on the stairs to the second level of this building.
Sept 20, 2013. Made progress today. Discovered some kind of cloning device. I used it to clone the device itself, and hid the copy under the couch I am “hand-cuffed” to. The monkey saw this, but I don’t think he’ll say anything. He’s a monkey, after all. Some dude named Johnny Storm stopped by to say hi. Weird.

Sept 27, 2013. An obese man who claims to be famous magically appeared in the living room today. He told me the cloning gadget I made a copy of has the powers to do much more. Sounded like a bunch of crap to me. I immediately knocked him out and tied him up beside the one the “real” G calls “Barks.” Both look the same. I killed the new guy and fed him to the other captives. I think. They both look the same. All of that future-talk and preventing the death of kayfabe annoyed me. Either way, one of the “Barks” was dinner. He tasted like chicken. Big surprise there.

Oct 4, 2013. So I guess the guy I fed to his doppleganger was actually able to escape last week with help from that J.T. guy. He was screaming something about “his” chair. Either way, G is pissed and punished me all week. He said something about maybe sending me to Fall Camp. I decided to not make any decisive moves. It seems for the best. Just like the WWE, I guess, albeit “best” isn’t the “best” word I’d use to describe the product.

Oct 18, 2013. It’s been a while since I’ve been able to write here. G has been continually sending me off to ancient historical eras to collect random artifacts. I don’t understand why a stool sample from Henry Hudson is so important. And what was the point of leaving a smoke bomb in the front hall of the Palace of Versailles on May 6, 1682? I’m told I’m going to have to… gotta go. He’s home.

Nov. 8, 2013. I’ve been sent on a bunch of weird missions. The most weird was when G sent me back to 2008. See, I snuck former PM Tony Blair into Buckingham Palace and stapled old-people-face to his kind of already old-people-face. No one has noticed even until today. I still don’t understand why he made me do that.

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Shameless Plugs!

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