Home ▸ SmackDown ▸ Smackdown 12/18/12: Live, Commercial Free, Not in Canada. Dicks.

So the WWE thought it would be funny to make me work on a Tuesday. Bastards. Ha ha ha. You happy now, Vince? Jerk. Anyways, the last time we did this Halo 4 came out and a new president was elected. Something tells me that won’t happen tonight. But what did happen TODAY was that I made an appearance on Rational Wrestling Review representing the BWF. We spoke about the awesome TLC PPV last Sunday and the Slammy themed RAW last night. Let’s see what the hell happens on Smackdown tonight. Thank you Sky TV for being streamed illegally for my viewing pleasure.

So that’s where Christian has been. Drinking beer in the woods. Now I get it.

I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s Smackdown reviews work. This is not a play-by-play recap, there’s enough of those online. This is a highly-opinionated take of the show in question.

– NXT voice over guy tells us Big E Langston appeared on RAW less than 24 hours ago. Also, Big Show has a big chair, and a bunch of other crap happened. Yay! Also, Tommy Dreamer will be… something something something.

– They clearly want me to turn off my stream as Miz TV is kicking things off. Ugghhh…. The guests are Dolphry Ziggler, Eh Jay, and Big E Langston (who might be shorter than Ziggler). AJ and Zigglers make out at the top of the entrance, so that answers that question. He clearly has the herpes now. Miz asks, “Why?”. AJ retorts to Miz saying you should ask Cena why he fucked with her as she lost her GM job defending Cena’s honor and a month ago Cena kissed her, AND THAT WAS A SLAMMY AWARD. He’s a face, folks! She even made those bow-ties as gifts for him (explaining that stupidity) and shows Cena calling the gifts crap. Then two weeks ago, Cena told her to stay backstage. OH NO!! AJ says both Punk and Bryan also used her and threw her away like trash even though she loved them… Cena was supposed to be different. So now Dolph is her guy, “Didn’t Dolph call you trash […] and now you’re aboard the crazy train,” asks Miz. AJ introduces Big E Langston who hates when people call AJ crazy. Dolph explains AJ is passionate. Dolph says not only did he keep his MitB briefcase, he stole the show and his girlfriend. Miz basically calls AJ a slut and Ziggler a member of a boyband. Big E Langston clothelines Miz and hits whatever his finisher is called.

We’re almost there, folks!.

– The Ghost of Teddy Long haunts and boos at Booker T and introduces a kid he thinks should get a chance. It’s Brad Maddox. Booker flips out on Long, calling him a fool for bringing him here, but Booker T’s him into a match anyways.

– *Damien Sandow (w/ Cody Rhodes) vs. Sin Cara (w/ Rey Mustardio’s entrance song). Rey doesn’t come out. Sin Cara’s mask looks confused. JT is seen at ringside chuckling with a sign. He won’t let us see the sign, though. Bastard. Sandow has much of the match in the palm of his hands as Rhodes is able to interfere on his behalf. Cara avoids a Cubito Aequet as the announcers talk about mustaches for a long time. After a dubious beatdown, Cara gets his wind back and flips his away around the ring to the chagrin of Sandow. The Shield make their way out, and Reigns has Mysterio’s mask. He tosses it into the ring, distracting Cara and allowing Sandow to Terminoose himself to a victory. Afterwards, the Shield beatdown Sin Cara for good measure. JT finally holds up his sign, “How did Sin Cara botch getting beaten down?”

Thanks Vince. Now go retire.

– The State of Florida and Miss Piggy advertisement airs again. Not available in Canada on Wednesday. You can review my middle finger, WWE.

– *Santino vs Tensai. Meh. This is because Tensai fell down last night, I guess. JBL shreds One-T Mathews for Googling Freddie Mercury last week. Tensai is beating up Santino. JBL talks about Noah and New Japan as the crowd chants Albert. Jorge and Joe are seen in the background wearing T-shirts with Randall Keith Orton’s face on it and RIP 12/11/12 (because that’s when they taped that episode). Santino tries to get the Cobra spot, reverse into a headlock, but the Cobra makes the save. Then Tensai introduces Santino to Matt. BUT NO! Santino reverses and rolls up the hip-hop hippo for the win.

Could’ve been ugly…

– Sin Cara has suffered serious knee damage due to The Shield. They mention they don’t know how long he will be out. Then clips from the Slammies air as JT, Joe, Jorge, and “Jee” all take a piss break because there are no commercials. WOO!!!! WOO!!!! WOO!!! It’s an awkward bathroom break, but watching Flair last night was one hell of a treat.

– Kofi talks with Team Friendship about the Shield murdering everyone. The Neon Mute seems not to care, but only wants to get his hands on medium-sized business owner Wade Barrett. Daniel Bryan has anger management relapses over losing in the Slammies, etc.

Ugly… sort of like this. Rollins is ok, hopefully.

– *Wade Barrett and The Primetime Players, playah vs. Team Friendship and Coffee. They’ve totally foreshadowed The Shield getting involved. Titus Oneil doesn’t care, he just likes beating up former Jamaicans who emigrated to Ghana. Then a ton of tags happen as they tend to do during these types of things. Bryan surfboard stretches Young into a tag to Kane that is extremely clever and earns his Wrestler of the Year Award from the BWF just for that kind of attention to detail. Jorge is seen setting up a delivery of Barrett Barrage Energy Bars with Wade Barrett at ringside since Wade has nothing better to do. Then he tags in and finally gets to beat on Daniel Bryan while smiling and pointing at Kofi. JT holds up a sign noting, “WADE! THAT’S KOFI’S BLAND GIMMICK! I’M GOING TO SHOPLIFT AT YOUR STORE FOR THAT!” JBL talks about the Boogeyman at the Slammies (which was awesome) as Kofi gets the hot tag and does his impression of Silly Putty dropped by an unsuspecting… umm… Silly-Puttier? Suddenly, I’m placed into a headlock. This is getting ridiculous. “I asked you to write a review, not write a fucking novel.” I slump down into my chair… breathing heavily. Jorge is tapping on my porch window. He waves and leaves via jet-pack screaming “Murdoch was my favorite A-Team character.” A lot more happens, great match! Kane lands the chokeslam on Darren Young for the win as the faces frantically look around for Team Beta. They don’t need to look for Team Alpha. They’re near my place.

@Charles Barkley @G: “I don’t work Tuesdays, G. Don’t even ask.”

@G @Charles Barkley: “Don’t look on your patio. Actually, put your back against a wall and cower. They’re coming for you…”

– Fake ads for WWE Shopzone air. Backstage SheaMorseCode and Cena make out. Sheamus wants to know how big AJ’s …. Cena whispers sweet nothings into Unmixed Strawberry Yogurt’s ear about stuff. They allude to something, then make out some more. Cute.

– CM Punk limps out with Heyman (who is not a fan of polar bears, see below). Punk has his toque on like a good Canadian boy off to play some shinny on the pond. 394 days… and counting. Punk calls the Slammies a sham of a popularity contest for voting for Cena over him. “You’re the type of people that enroll your children into T-Ball that doesn’t keep score,” he goes on calling them losers. He expects that behavior from them/us/you (not me, though, of course). Punk is also upset with Cena for not recognizing Punk should get the trophy, but Cena gave it to WOO!!! WOO!!! WOO!!! Ric Flair. “I want you to support these old relics who take the little spotlight they can from the young lions,” notes Punk as he encourages Pittsburgh to keep Wooing. Punk’s on fire here, and calls the Penguins women for being on strike. Ok, that pisses me off. THEY’RE LOCKED OUT. LOL, he got me there. Punk doesn’t go on strike. Punk promises to return next year as a shark swimming with dolphins (and walruses… and penguins), roids his way out. JT hands Ryback a sandwich from ringside, which he promptly eats. JT immediately notices he is also now missing his hand. Heyman gets on the microphone and tells Ryback to Ryback off as Punk isn’t medically cleared to wrestle. Ryback promises to face him on the first RAW on 2013. January 7th, folks. Be there, or be dead. Let the Mayans sort’em out.

Relax. They just spilled some tomato soup. Polar bears can be clumsy sometimes.

– * Antonio Cesaro vs Ryback. Rematch from last night. Great. Keeping it fresh like a ziplock, eh, WWE? Whatever, this might be good. This is a brawler, and the crowd lets Ryback know they still think his name is Bill. After a bit, Cesaro decides to bail, and Ryback follows. Cesaro tosses Ryback into the steel steps for his trouble, and almost gets a countout victory over the Hungry Man. Cesaro lands a midrope European uppercut after a near pin attempt! Things start to drag and the crowd dies. Boos can be heard. WHAT THE FUCK ARE THESE PEOPLE WATCHING? Cesaro gets jobbed out to Ryback’s Shellshocked. Oh, that’s what they were watching. Terrible finish. This should have gone no contest to preserve both men’s status. Lame.

– Katie Vick speaks with AJ backstage about AJ doing the same crazy shit all over again, and that it is really hard to be her friend. Vick calls AJ a lunatic so AJ attacks her screaming, “YOU LIKE DOG FIGHTING, BITCH! I DON’T CARE IF YOU SERVED TIME! ASK G ABOUT DOG FIGHTING!!” Joe and Jorge restrain the two women and discuss what the hell G is talking about, and that this is a cat fight. I get even more confused as the WWE immediately replays the fight we just fucking saw. Commercial free!

– *Eve vs. Hurricane Katrina (Butterfly Title Match). Eve pretty much is the story here as the entire arena leaves. JBL argues with Mathews calling him an idiot for not thinking Eve is smoking hot. Or maybe it’s Cole. I don’t care. I check out during this match, of course stealing the hotel towels and leaving my own brand of mint underneath the bed pillow for the maid. I’m cool like that. JBL belittles Cole about playing Galaga or Space Invaders on his smart phone. That was pretty hilarious considering his argument was that Cole wasn’t watching the match, which this whole diatribe detracts from in the first place. Kaitlyn gets a near pin attempt rollup in which she appears to stuff her face up Eve’s behind. Reverse DDT attempt, for another failed attempt… This match surprisingly picks up, but Eve gets DQ’d as she grabs the referee to prevent being beaten up.

Yes, you just got a taste of their customer service. BTW, they got some of their breadstick spice in between the keys on your laptop, keyboard warrior.

– Backstage, AJ cries to Ziggler about stuff, as Big Show enters. He tells Ziggler he will spend the holidays in a body cast if he tries to pull the MitB card tonight, he will “knock him so far into the future, by the time [he] wakes up, [his] money in the bank contract will have expired.” Good line.

– We’re reminded that last night Big Show called Sheamus a potato eating Irishman, and how Ziggler almost cashed in until John Cena thwarted Ziggler’s attempt because he is a sore loser.

Fah la la, la la la, GET THE FUCK OFF MY ROOF! That’s how the song goes, right?

– Brad Maddox comes out repeating his name repeatedly and promises that no one will forget his name after tonight, and that after his match tonight he will earn his contract. Shield time? Maybe.

– Brad Maddox vs. Brodus Clay. G is seen calling his Momma and dancing like a fool. JT holds up a sign in the audience, “Yes folks, he used to do this every week on BWF Radio… we thought he got it out of his system.” Jorge and Joe are seen on walkie talkies at ringside nodding at each other. Maddox looks concerned, bickering with the referee. Brodus gets to work early assaulting the young man like a random Joey, or Ryan. Maddox manages to reverse the tides, as he controls the moon even while botching a simple drop kick. Nevertheless, Maddox saves face bumping like a champion much to the joy of the Funkadactyls. Clay splashes and defeats the WWE’s answer to….

I hope you all “get this” for XXX-Mas.

– Jorge and Joe hit the button as team Beta, The Shield, attack Brodus. Jorge goes to calm down Naomi in his own special way, and the Shield triple powerbomb Brodus back to the Jurassic era. Lots of time travel on tonight’s episode. I think I smell a new affiliation of the Shield, albeit the IWC has been calling for it for a while.

– Ad free my ass, Tribute to the Troops advertisement. Ad free, indeed.

Chant of the year?

– *Big Show/Ziggler (w/ the town pump and Short Circut) vs Cena/Sheamus. Not much happens in the beginning until Show does a little Irish jig to mock Sheamus. Then Ziggler drops like 89,872 elbows on Cena. Ziggler does his resthold headlock for a while afterwards on Cena, why am I going to sleep? Cena breaks free sending Ziggler into the cosmos as he flips him over his head. Big Show makes a cameo so Cena can be isolated, but a hot tag to Sheamus reverses momentum. Kids are taught math, but Sheamus can’t stay focused and Show takes control for a very long time. This is kind of boring! Boring I tell you! Remember that time fake Randy Orton RKO’d a drive-thru window?!? Of course you do, because you listen to BWF Radio each week, and we always talk about it. Why? BECAUSE IT WAS MEMORABLE. Sorry, I’m irritated I can’t FFW through Big Show right now. Shaman-noose hits a DDT and the two men go for their desperation tag in attempts. Cena goes to murder Ziggler, Show prevents it, Sheamus takes him and Paul Wight to the outside. Back in the ring… ZIG ZAG ON CENA IS NOT ENOUGH! ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT, NO! Big E Langston runs in and drops Cena. DQ win for the faces. AJ skips to my loo, and her darling Dolph and her suck face and recreate the Hulk Hogan approved Gawker film. Big E starts tearing the letter that represents Aksana’s favorite word out of all of the WWE logos around the ring as souveneirs. Wade Barrett comments, “I used to have a move called that.”

The WWE logo comes up, Big E Langston tears the “E” off of it (dick you owe me a new monitor) and I’m out.

I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.

Tell me I’m a retard on Twitter! Yes, you can mock me on social media now here: @GoftheInternet

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