Home ▸ SmackDown ▸ Smackdown 12/20/13

“It wasn’t supposed to be like this, Bryan! We could have been friends!” Crab Walk…. That was creepy. And so it begins… Mayor McCheese holds all of the titles with a side of french fries. When I last saw him, he only still had the soda, Mr. White. (P.S. Mr. Pink survived. Deal with it).

Oh yeah, wrestling is on.

Hopping time…

“I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s Smackdown reviews work. “Everybody gunning for “the face of WWE” going forward, which means Orton can be a monster heel for somebody to vanquish at Mania.” [Stevie J of Angrymarks @G]. Maybe he’s right. That PPV was pretty good for the most part. Just maybe…

– Clips from RAW begin our show. Randall Keith Orton, Cena, and D-Bry stuff. Tremendous. Actually I thought the Orton/Bryan match trumped anything on the PPV. The ending, not so much, but otherwise…

– So here comes Randall to talk to us, the fine readers of this diary I like to call, “Suffering Time!”. It’s like hopping time, and actually where I got that gimmick from. But that was like 90 years ago, back when I used Dog Gammit and Charles Barkley in every review. Lord knows none of those are regular things anymore. Anyways, you can tell how thrilling Orton’s speech is. But when all you say, is what we just saw in the opening montage, you’re going to have a bad time when you french-fry when you’re supposed to pizza.

– Out comes Monsieur Cena covered in spilled poutine. Calling Orton a fool, Cena says everyone wants to be in his shoes. Not me. I like my shoes. Everyone is watching Orton, and he will be remembered as a little bitch who claims he did everything to win, but in reality his cock-punching to Bryan means Daniel won via DQ. The Goatman cometh. Click that link and learn of the Maryland legend. Randy Orton is afraid, as was I as a little G camping at Fall Camp when I first heard of Goatman from some twisted camp conselour. But now, not so much, and Daniel Bryan is pretty cool and would probably bring some vegan marshmallows we could roast as we discuss the merits of independent wrestling. Bryan gets over with the crowd with his usual catchphrases.

Mantaur has nothing on this guy.

– Enter the Shield. And of course, enter CM Punk. The faces stare down the heels. Yeah, just a little overbooker-T’d. So out comes Vic-Rod Guerrero who notes The Authority to make a main event of The Shield vs Bryan/Punk/Cena. Why does Punk need the other guys? He won on his own at TLC. So are Cena and Bryan at the level of The Usos now? WTF? PUNK LOST TO THEM WITH HELP. Merry Christmas folks, this year you got flawed logic. It’s wrapped up in thrown out story ideas from creative, and the label says, “Magnus is the champion you deserve”.

Nailing it since 1778?

– * Non-Title Match: Big E. Langston {C} vs. Jack Swagger. Zeb Coulter is seen in the ring holding up a sign stating, “Deport Santa Claus”. J.T. is seen on top of that sign, holding up his own sign that notes, “I didn’t watch this”. Swagger isn’t even worth a shot at the I.C. title now? Fuck that. Cocaine hands everywhere. This is clearly working towards a Tupac/Henry feud with the Real Swiss Toblerones. Get it? Swiss-tactular Chocolate? I just noticed Henry is at ringside too, which reminds me I read today that The Koolaid Man has been redesigned again, without pants. Just like Donald Duck. Because drinking my sugary beverage while trying to find hidden phalic references in Disney video covers is just that awesome. Every Sunday… 2 PM. Also, Big E wins super quick with a clean pin. Yep, Swagger IS beneath the title.

@Charles Barkley @G: “I coming to get you for X-mas, jerk.”

@G @Charles Barkley “I got you something very special this year. The smell will hit you sooner than later…”

– * Brie Bella vs. Tamina Snuka. You know a match is that important when BOTH people’s entrances are skipped to begin the match. Totally. Divas start their thing as Big Sexy goes after Brie like it matters. It doesn’t. AJ is on commentary taking potshots (CM Punk is concerned about this), and I wonder if I can procure these in Canuckistan. Looks like Bryan taught Brie the dropkick, as she does three in a row, two standing and one from the BAH GAWD! second rope! Tamina says fuck that, my dad taught me how to fall from the top rope doing nothing onto Brie’s knees and get rolled up for the win! WOW! Totally Diva’s unrelated note, that show was renewed for a second season.

Don’t we all want to do this?

– I won a Slammy or something last Sunday on the BWF Radio awards. I DEMAND A THREE COUNT!

– * Sin Cara vs. Drew McIntyre. Remember all those rumors that McIntyre was being repackaged? Yeah, turns out it was Hunico. Yellow lights remind Joe of ROH who is not seen in the audience spinning his Cena belt while holding up a Jorge who is covering JT Hogan’s original epic song entitled, “Enter Hulk-Man”. He is currently hosting it on a website that popped up this week (that he invented) called, Hulkster. It utilizes bit torrent technology to download music and is fully endorsed by Lars Ulrich Frederiksen because The Hulkster and the Punkster are tight like that. Colt Cabana is the site’s admin. Sin Hunico wins in about a minute, because throw away.

Dandruff is not cocaine. Just ask Big E Smalls. Right?.

– * Brodus Clay vs. Tensai. They broke up on the PPV, then inexplicably got back together on RAW and broke up again. Midmatch the Funkadactyls run out, and then Xavier Woods makes a save on Tensai I guess. Quality. This Smackdown is kind of sucking my balls.

He didn’t need that helmet anyways..

– * Non-Title Match: Cody Rhodes and Goldust {C} vs. Erick Rowan and Luke Harper. I kind of enjoyed this match. I can’t make too many smarthy comments. Bray sits ringside watching like a sociopath as Goldust, Cody, and Luke do a pretty good job. They are given time, but the crowd is quieted down. Erick Rowan is in the match too, I guess. I can’t say this is not worth a watch. With time, we get another great showcase of the Rhode’s Bro’s and Harper (and kind of Rowan), as they display potential for a future notable match. I suspect this is more testing the water for interest since the dirty dirts are alluding to the Wyatt boys picking up the titles once Goldy and Cody split for their projected WM match. Harper grabs Cody by the ears and clotheslines him into the mat to finish him off for the win. JBL notes, “That was incredible.” Good match.

– Just before Bray Wyatt enters crab mode, I wonder what happened to JBL’s charity drive to climb mountains. That sucks, it’s like he’s dropped it. If I find out later he just is flying under the radar and not self-promoting, I’ll eat Bray Wyatt’s hat. Daniel Bryan has no time for hat-eating, as he runs in to save Cody from Bray attacking him post match…

This is odd.

– Suddenly there’s some weird noise on my apartment balcony. I heard such a clatter, I sprang from my chair to see what’s the matter (it’s pretty foggy out there tonight). Then I spot a familiar figure dressed in red driving a ski-do or some shit.

G: Hey Jorge, who are you supposed to be? And who are these eight people you have chained with make-shift bass-strings to your ride?
Jorge: It’s my Slayer! YEAH!!! DROP-D tuning mother fucker!!!
Joe: He thinks he’s Santa, dude.
JT: Pfft, JT Hogan invented Santa.
Mark: Hogan is pretty old, kind of like Sly Stallone.
JTHogan: Well you know something brother, I INVENTED ROCKY!
JTAlice: No you didn’t
JTStallone: I have a new movie coming out [insert some garble here]
Jorge: Slut! Slut! Slut!
Joe: You mean Ho! Ho! Ho!
JT: Did he just drop his pants?
Mark: I see you left out some All-Dressed Ruffles Chips for Whore-Hey Claus. What did you leave for us reindeer?
G: Is that what you guy’s are supposed to be?
JTHHH: It’s what’s best for business!
G: Oh, yeah, I guess you guys can have some of the Slurpee punch if you like.
Mark: Thanks!
J.T.: This is delicious!
Joe: [Makes spitting noise] I’ve already dies in these reviews before, what is this crap?
Jorge: Shut up you pathetic replacement for Blitzen! This is delicious.
Mark: This tastes like dirt!
G: Well, more like Clay. And I don’t mean Brodeus. Some self-righteous animated snowman refused to get off my lawn earlier today. Speaking of getting off, who wants to try my homemade EggNog?
J.T.: Nope.
Jorge: At least you left some All-Dressed Ruffles out for Jorgie Claus! Thanks G!
Mark: I… umm… I think that’s his scab collection again.
Joe: Jorge, what the fuck?
Jorge: Look man, it’s foggy out there, my eye’s are tired. How am I to help children around the world celebrate their holidays this time of year? I represent all the kids, even those who enjoy Quizno’s and Harmonica too?!?!
Mark: Wait, what?
JTG: He means Kwanzaa and Hanukkah.
G: No, I wrote that intentionally. I celebrate Brazzer’s annual cum swappi….
Joe: THIS IS A PG SITE G!
G: Our Santa helped destroy that.
Mark: He’s the Santa we all deserve, the Santa who eats worlds.
Jorge: Let me cut to the chase, G. It’s foggy as fuck out there tonight, won’t you guide my sleigh tonight?
G: Fuck those reindeer games.
JTHHH: Time to play the game!!!
G: Nope.
Joe: Dude, I can’t be the guy in the front anymore… this is too much like The Human Centipede.
Jorge: Slut, slut, slut!
Mark: The date’s over, Santa. This just got weird.
G: Every Sunday!
Mark: What?
G: What?
Jorge: So you won’t be my RuDolph Ziggler? Dick. I’m out of here. Come on slaves, all eight of you. Back into your strung-together bass-string contraption. Fly this bitch away!!!
G: Fuck Balls Mahoney anyways…
Joe: EC-Dub!
Mark: Why am I not bipedal?
JTHogan: I invented bipedal! Someone call Nick, I don’t have time for this.
JT: I think I left something in your basement apartment, one second.
Jorge: NO TIME JT!
Joe: Too late, he’s gone.
G: GTFO! Hey JT. try on this Barkley mask…

– And I heard Jorge say as he flew out of sight, “Break the back humble, Fuck you, and good night!”. He’s still fucking up the gimmick. Oh well.

It’s too bad it’s not with Count Floyd.

– Damien Sandow cuts a scathing promo on Jorge, or Mark Henry. I can’t tell the difference. Neither of them wear pants anymore. Sandow is cancelling ChrisBeniotMas this Monday. Erased from history. ChristMiz comes out talking about Santa’s balls. Great. Impromptu match. Thrilling. They fight on Friday Night, because awesome? Sandow better win. In a fast and furious match, Sandow rolls up Miz quicker than ThatDamnDoubleC’s favorite actor, The Littlest Hobo, for the win. I heard London’s little brother was being replaced by the younger pup in that series. Let’s all just hope that Paul Walker Jr. is less tasteless than XXX-Mas’s Bukkake stuffing in that series. Tastes like Kendra Lust. I’ve never seen any of those films.

– Related: I’ve decided to name this era of the internet, “The Age of Momentary Rage” in honor of my pal SRD who is behind the Scruffy videos you may have seen in my posts or at Wonderpod or at his site. That shit’s awesome. I hope anyone listening or reading has a fucking great little bit of time off. I really don’t care what you celebrate or the lack thereof. Be well. And with that, back to the sarcasm!

WMXXX

– * Fandango vs. Kofi Kingston. This is about as relevant as the last match. Sigh. Remember when Fandangoing was relevant for like a week? Sigh. Remember Cy? Sigh. Rebecca Black does. We fight on Friday Night! No one cares. Summer Ray is the most interesting this here. Kofi bounces around, and Fandango attempts his best, and ultimately he prevails because Smackdown. Is there a record for the most shortest matches on one show? This one might take the cake. And as Portal taught us, that fucking pastry is a lie.

– Backstage The Wyatt family re-abduct Bryan Daniels because Blockbuster shutdown and they found the best of Bryan Daniels in a Duke The Dumpster Drowsy outside of a closed-down Blockbuster. He went cheap, and decided gerbils were too expensive (in all seriousness, that ROH DVD will be great, but shit. Who buys DVDs in the digital era?).

– Looks like Bryan was abducted by the floor, where officials are taking his pulse backstage.

Since this is the last Smackdown before Christmas, the best present I could give you all is Wierd Al screaming “I am not his monkey!” in animated gif form. Enjoy.

– * CM Punk and John Cena vs. The Shield. Vic-Rod announces it as a handicrap match. 2-3. Punk should have this on his own. :/ Fuck.

– FUCK.

– Ok, this match was great. Let’s get that out of the way. The booking, however, is fucked. Why does Punk need anyone? I loved the action, but that leaves the story, which remains terrible. As a stand alone match, this is also worth the watch. Five combatants in solid long match. As for caring about the build, though, not so much.

So I guess this is the most snow we’ve gotten in 112 years of Calgary… Alberta, Canada’s history. Oh, and we’re only 1/3 of the way in. Great. Not complaining though, many parts of my country get WAY more.

– And we’re back. Again, still good… but… hrmm… See, isolating Cena makes no sense. We already know can beat all three of the Shield on his own means this is silly. Stupid TLC, way to fuck up the BWF Awards. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed this match… it’s just the booking that makes me shake my head. Dean Ambrose remains my favorite. Fuck the RAW review guy and his Seth Rollins crush, and the WWE for their Hoss crush on Reign. Spatula City’s ambassador, Dean Ambrose ice’s my cake everyday. Eat it.

– Rumor has it, that Punk likes to test out moves on Rollins that he normally wouldn’t get away with otherwise. Those headbutts on the dude at TLC seem to back that up. Dirt sheets. Bed shitting.

– The match is ruled DQ. I guess. Reigns hits a gore. Then Team Beta hits their multi-slam on Cena. Beat downs for all WWE DVD stars. Big E Smalls runs in and chases them away? Reigns looks extra concerned. Canada’s own The Littlest Hobo runs down the to ring with a rifle strap in his mouth because ThatDamnDoubleC. The fuck?

I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.

The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.

Tell me I’m a retard on Twitter! Yes, you can mock me on social media now here: @GoftheInternet

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Joe continues not to notice this section. 😀 It’s like a Talking Heads song or something. 4 weeks and counting. He was warned.

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WTF?

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Sept 6, 2013. I am a clone of G. I am currently handcuffed to one of the lower legs of G’s sofa in his apartment. Yesterday, while the real G was at work, monkey nearby shrieked at me to attempt to lift the sofa. It worked! I went to thank the monkey located in an open-doored cage on the stairs leading down to the basement of G’s basement apartment, and noticed a large man strapped into a chair in the basement. I then heard the original G returning home. I need to find his magical device that created me…

Sept 13, 2013. The real Gee has noticed my writing. That stupid fuck hasn’t deleted anything, but he did taze me repeatedly. I still think there is a monkey held captive on the stairs to the second level of this building.
Sept 20, 2013. Made progress today. Discovered some kind of cloning device. I used it to clone the device itself, and hid the copy under the couch I am “hand-cuffed” to. The monkey saw this, but I don’t think he’ll say anything. He’s a monkey, after all. Some dude named Johnny Storm stopped by to say hi. Weird.

Sept 27, 2013. An obese man who claims to be famous magically appeared in the living room today. He told me the cloning gadget I made a copy of has the powers to do much more. Sounded like a bunch of crap to me. I immediately knocked him out and tied him up beside the one the “real” G calls “Barks.” Both look the same. I killed the new guy and fed him to the other captives. I think. They both look the same. All of that future-talk and preventing the death of kayfabe annoyed me. Either way, one of the “Barks” was dinner. He tasted like chicken. Big surprise there.

Oct 4, 2013. So I guess the guy I fed to his doppleganger was actually able to escape last week with help from that J.T. guy. He was screaming something about “his” chair. Either way, G is pissed and punished me all week. He said something about maybe sending me to Fall Camp. I decided to not make any decisive moves. It seems for the best. Just like the WWE, I guess, albeit “best” isn’t the “best” word I’d use to describe the product.

Oct 18, 2013. It’s been a while since I’ve been able to write here. G has been continually sending me off to ancient historical eras to collect random artifacts. I don’t understand why a stool sample from Henry Hudson is so important. And what was the point of leaving a smoke bomb in the front hall of the Palace of Versailles on May 6, 1682? I’m told I’m going to have to… gotta go. He’s home.

Nov. 8, 2013. I’ve been sent on a bunch of weird missions. The most weird was when G sent me back to 2008. See, I snuck former PM Tony Blair into Buckingham Palace and stapled old-people-face to his kind of already old-people-face. No one has noticed even until today. I still don’t understand why he made me do that.

Nov. 15, 2013. This last week was even more bizarre. He made me put on some suit and a red tie and shave my head, and then pretend to be in control of his weekly scab collecting group. I burst in, and told the vice president and current scab champion collector that I was in charge. We bickered back and forth for a while, and then G kicked in the door dressed in drag and began shrieking that since he was the vice president of the chess club next door he was taking over. Very odd.

Dec. 6, 2013: Charles Barkley recently abducted me and took me on a cruise ship with him. We circumvented the planet, stopping at various ports-of-call, and living the high life again. It was really awesome. Then sadly, today, I awoke only to find myself back on the couch of G’s apartment. Was it all a dream?

Dec. 13, 2013. Nope, not a dream. In fact somewhat of a nightmare. This week I was forced to go to work for G while he vigorously stayed home masturbating (I can only assume) and eating nachos. Work sucked. Firstly, I am not trained to do anything G actually does at his jobs, so I looked like a complete idiot. Oddly enough, some fellow who has a Bruce Springsteen complex and calls himself “The Boss” told me that my work had shown significant improvement today. I am pretty sure G’s jobs don’t involve a body count, though.

Dec 20, 2013. Just got back from a reconnaissance mission to infiltrate Charles Barkley’s place. G insisted I take the monkey from the open cage on the stairs with me. He told me the monkey was given special orders, and my job was to get the little guy into the house. I did as I was told. Once inside, the monkey went to every toilet in the house and proceeded to defecate inside the water tank of each one. I don’t know what G is feeding that monkey, but damn!

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