“Smackdown” 12/25/09By Drowgoddess · · Leave a Comment
Contrary to popular belief, I did not skip out on you guys for two weeks in a row.
Christmas Day sees its fair share of lousy drivers, many of whom cause accidents. While I had thought that I would be back from my parents’ house in plenty of time to do a real-time review for tonight’s “Smackdown,” drivers other than myself ensured that this was not the case. Hey, at least I wasn’t IN a wreck! I’m grateful for small things. In any case, I must now turn to my trusty Tivo and get caught up on reviewing “Smackdown.” It just won’t be in real-time.
We open with the lovely and charming Hostess with the Mostess, Vickie Guerrero. She wishes us all a Merry Christmas, and talks about the importance of inviting family and friends for holiday dinner. She herself has invited her incredible boss to join her. Cue Teddy Long’s entrance! Is Teddy her boss, technically? I thought that he couldn’t fire her. In any case, Vickie and Teddy drink some egg nog. Teddy points out that he spiked it. Vickie Ray moves on to the making of potatoes, to which she adds a veritable mountain of butter. Teddy asks her if she’s trying to give him another heart attack. Three cheers for continuity! Next is the turkey. Vickie demonstrates seasoning and such on a RAW (see what I did there?) turkey, but brings out a cooked and finished turkey at the end. As we all know, turkey without stuffing violates the Geneva Conventions, so Vickie tries to walk us through the making of the famous Guerrero family stuffing. It looks like what ended up on my floor the last time my dog had an upset tummy. Eewww. Teddy is revolted. Vickie asks about cranberry sauce, but Teddy says that he didn’t get no cranberry sauce for nobody! Vickie turns around to fetch some from the refrigerator, and when she turns back around, Hornswaggle is standing on the table, chomping down on the cooked turkey like a little barbarian. Teddy announces that dinner is served.
John Morrison, R-Truth, Matt Hardy, and Finlay vs. Drew McIntyre, CM Punk, Luke Gallows, and Dolph Ziggler: Each team entered as one large group, one to R-Truth’s music and th eother to Punk’s. I would have liked to have seen Morrison and McIntyre’s music used, but that’s just me. The Gloriousness That Is Matt Striker informs us that Punk believes that Christmas Day should not be celebrated, as it is nothing more than a pagan holiday, and that schools should be open and people should be at work. Awesomeness! Ziggler and Finlay start the match, with much being made of Ziggler’s recent “newfound aggression.” That aggression doesn’t help Ziggler much, as Finlay scores a two-count on him. Finlay shows some attitude, teasing that he will allow Ziggler to make a tag, but then dragging him back into the ring for more punishment. Finlay tags in R-Truth, who also scores a two-count on Ziggler. Ziggler fights back and tags in Punk. R-Truth throws Punk down with a hip toss and tags in Matt Hardy. HArdy beats down Punk in the corner. Hardy hits Punk with a clothesline and follows up with a bulldog, but Punk kicks out at two. Punk hits Hardy in the gut. During the commercial break, Gallows tagged in, as he had Hardy up in a mean bear hug when we returned. My main WWE man Drew McIntyre tags in. McIntyre hits a short-arm clothesline on Hardy and covers him, but the Less Charasmatic Enigma kicks out at two. Ziggler tags back in, and nails Hardy with an enziguri. It’s only good for a two-count, though. WAAAY too many two-counts. Note to WWE: A two-count is not a near-fall. Still another two-count results from a really nice rolling neck snap by Ziggler on Hardy. Hardy continues to receive abuse, as Ziggler gets him in a chin lock with a body scissors. Another nice one from Ziggler. Hardy fights out, but Ziggler yanks him down by the hair. The Gloriousness That Is Matt Striker says that pulling long hair should be legal if both guys have it. More awesomeness! McIntyre tags in and lays into Hardy, but Hardy counters with a neck breaker. McIntyre makes the tag to Punk. Hardy finally makes the tag to Morrison. People go insane. Morrison dominates Punk for a moment, but Punk dodges a jumping heel kick just in time to tag in McIntyre again. McIntyre is having none of Morrison, and tags in Ziggler instead. Ziggler gets hit with both a heel kick (is it still a heel kick when a babyface does it?) and a running knee by Morrison, but McIntyre jumps in to break up the pin and count. Finlay runs in and hits McIntyre with a rolling Samoan Drop. Punk drops Finlay with the GTS. R-Truth nails Punk with a heel kick (again, I ask…). Hardy drops Ziggler with the Side Effect (shouldn’t Matt rename that move in light of Jeff’s “issues?”), but Gallows flattens both Hardy and R-Truth. Morrison saves the day, dropping Gallows with the Flying Chuck kick. Morrison lands the Starship Pain on a prone Ziggler to pick up the win for his team.
Winners: John Morrison, R-Truth, Matt Hardy, and Finlay
To the ring! It’s the Best in the World at What He Does, Chris Jericho. He says that the very fact that tonight’s show had already been billed as a “DX Christmas” was absolutely disgusting (he’s right) and proved that Teddy Long was the worst GM in the history of wrestling. No longer being on RAW was one thing, but being disrespected here? He is the face of “Smackdown!” JeriShow did not lose their rematch, and after all, what has the Hart Dynasty done to deserve notice or a title shot? Cue the Hart Dynasty’s entrance! All three have mics. Jericho backs off and tells them to calm down. He respects where they came from, as he came from the same place. He remembers them as punk kids with snotty noses and dirt on their faces. Actually, that’s what he thinks of them now. They’ve done nothing to deserve a title shot at DX! DH Smith, who really is a big man, informs Jericho that when confronted with hardship and difficulties, the Hart Dynasty didn’t run away or complain. They faced it head-on! Tyson Kidd says that, while Jericho may be the best in the world at what he does, they are better than the best, period! Jericho starts to respond, but the DX music and the shrieking of fans who weren’t alive when DX had their original run overpower him. The DX segment that followed hurt my soul, and I refuse to get much more detailed than this: graphics of “Tickle Me Big Show” dolls that fart when you push the stomach. Calling the Hart Dynasty “the Hart Kids” and offering them a one-way round-trip ticket back to Canada, where they could enjoy cold, Canadian bacon, hockey, and bears. It’s bad enough that this garbage dominates RAW, now we have to endure “Smackdown” being ruined by it as well? Jeebus! When DX mercifully ends their TitanTron segment, Jericho snaps at the Hart Dynasty that the way to prove themselves is to counter the DX immaturity and make an impact. He turns to yell at DX on the TitanTron about his eventual defeat of DX and reclaiming the Undisputed Unified Tag Team titles. When he turns back around, he gets dropped with the new Hart Attack. DX condescendingly acknowledges that they guess the Hart Dynasty made an impact.
To the back! Michelle McCool and Layla apologize to Mickie James about the way that they have treated her. They give her a book and leave. Said book turns out to be a voucher for free food. More fat jokes are made at Mickie’s expense. Yeah, because grown women actually interact on the level of junior high children.
To the back! Josh Matthews asks Rey Mysterio about his chances in tonight’s World title match against the Undertaker. Rey speaks briefly in Spanish before saying that Christmas is his favorite holiday, and the season of miracles. Maybe tonight, Orlando would witness one such miracle and he would get the present of a lifetime. Nice one, Rey!
Rey Mysterio vs. the Undertaker (World Heavyweight Championship title match): Little man speed versus big man power. With the two most popular guys on the roster, it’s hard to tell who the audience wanted to see win the most. Rey opens the match dodging and generally staying out of the way, but Taker drops him with a clothesline. Rey is thrown out of the ring but manages to dodge Taker’s apron leg drop. Taker tries to run Rey into the ringpost (say THAT three times fast!), but Rey counters and it’s Taker who eats the ring post instead. Rey takes a suicide dive to the floor. Upon return from the commercial break, Rey tries to remove Taker’s base by targeting his legs with kicks. One of those kicks is grabbed by Taker, and Rey is sent to the mat. Rey tries a seated senton from the ring apron, but Taker counters it by slamming Rey into the railing. Taker rolls Rey back into the ring, hits an elbow drop, and then works over the arm. Taker scores a two-count. Taker hits a scoop slam on Rey, and gestures for the Last Ride. Rey wriggles out and pretty much just launches himself at Taker, following up with a 619. Taker grabs Rey in a choke slam. Rey fights out, but gets dropped by a Big Boot. Taker finally succeeds in choke slamming Rey, but Batista runs down and attacks Taker, causing a DQ.
DQ due to interference
To the back! Cryme Tyme robs a bad Santa who complains about the horrible kids and claims to have kept all of the good stuff for himself. Billy Bob Thornton would have destroyed Cryme Tyme. I’m just sayin’.
Cryme Tyme vs. Pat Buck and Bryce Andrews: A squash is not just an oddly-shaped vegetable, my friends. Cryme Tyme mimics R-Truth and Matt Hardy from a few weeks ago, tossing the contents of Bad Santa’s bag into the audience. Oddly, it was all WWE toys. Hmm. Do you even need to ask how this went?
Winners: Cryme Tyme
To the back! More “Holiday Cooking” with Vickie and Teddy. Vickie apologizes for the ending of the previous segment, but insists that everything is under control. She has a warm apple pie. Teddy has a banana cream pie. I think you see where this is going. They try to pie-face each other, but catch each other in th eact, stop, and laugh it off. Hornswaggle returns, wanting the cream pie. The midget smashes the cream pie into Vickie’s face, before blasting Teddy with the apple pie, and dunking his own head in the egg nog. Um, yeah….
Beth Phoenix and Layla vs. Maria and Mickie James: Mickie wants to attack Layla, but is held back. I’d still love to see the tag team of Mickie James and Maria to be billed as “CM Punk’s Ex-Girlfriends.” It’s gold, I say! Layla and Maria square off first. Maria hits Layla with drop kicks. Maria tries the boot choke in the corner, but Layla catches the foot and hits a spin kick. Layla covers Maria in yet another two-count. Beth tags in and devours Maria. Michelle McCool has been on commentary (not that anyone noticed), and The Gloriousness That Is Matt Striker realizes that both of them are former teachers. Look, I’ve been a teacher for years now, and Striker was likely a fantastic teacher. McCool could NOT cut it in most of the places that I’ve worked. Not a chance. Meanwhile, Beth uses the ropes to choke Maria. Layla tags herself in. The Glamazon looks less than pleased. Snapmare, drop kick, and something like a Dragon Sleeper from Layla on Maria. Layla has shown in this short match how vastly superior she is to the current champ. Plus, she didn’t have to steal anyone else’s moves. Yeah, I went there, who wants some??? Layla misses an elbow drop, and Mickie tags herself in. Mickie beats the everloving daylights out of Layla, knocks Beth from the apron to the floor, and lands the Mick Kick for the pin and three-count. Post-match, Mickie goes after McCool, who uses the announcers as shields. Beth steps in and throws Mickie into the announce table, but glared at McCool in a manner that clearly stated, “I will devour your soul and put your carcass through a wood chipper.”
Winners: Mickie James and Maria
The Hart Dynasty vs. DX (Unified Tag Team Championship title match): HBK and Tyson Kidd start. Some good, solid wrestling here. Kidd hits HBK with a drop kick. HBK throws Kidd into the waiting fist of HHH. HHH tags in, and holds Kidd up in an entremely lengthy delayed vertical suplex. Kudos to Striker for pointing out that this was a taunt to DH Smith, as the move was one of his father’s most well-known ones. When you cater exclusively to children, things like history are lost. HHH scores a (wait for it) two-count, then hurled Kidd into the corner. HHH goes for a Pedigree, but DH Smith breaks up the pin behind the distracted referee’s back. Way to go, HBK! Smith actually takes control of HHH, and returns the earlier taunt with one of his own, hoisting up HHH in a lengthy delayed vertical suplex. Nice! Smith only scores a two-count as well, however. Smith applies a chin lock. HHH fights out, but is driven back into the Hart Dynasty’s corner. Kidd tags in, and runs into a clothesline from HHH. HBK tags in, and hits Kidd with a flying forearm and a slam. HBK climbs to the turnbuckle, kicking Smith away in the process. HBK goes for the top rope elbow, but Kidd rolls out of the way. Kidd recovers and lands a springboard blockbuster on HBK for a count of two-and-a-half. Nice! Smith tags in, and hits HBK with several forearms before the obligatory HBK Flipping Turnbuckle Spot. After HBK hits the floor, Smith rams him back-first into the edge of the ring apron. Smith gets back in the ring. HBK tries to do likewise, but, with the referee distracted again, Natalya (Nattie By Nature, as Striker calls her) slaps the hell out of HBK. Double-teaming commences, as the Hart Dynasty hit HBK with a double drop toe hold. HBK kicks out at two. Kidd applies a chin lock, but HBK fights out and retaliates with chops. Kidd resorted to a mule kick, and scored a two-count for his trouble. Smith tags back in, and uses yet another delayed vertical suplex on HBK for a – can you guess? – two-count. Smith follows up with an arm and chin lock. HBK fights out with more chops. Smith lands an impressive Saito suplex for yet another two-count. Kidd tags back in, and HBK is double-teamed in the corner. HBK knocks Kidd into the ropes before tagging in HHH. Smith tags in as well. HHH hits Smith with a face buster and a spine buster, but Smith kicks out at two. Kidd runs in, but HHH plants him with a spine buster as well. HHH tries to Pedigree Smith, but Smith counters and HHH is flattened with the Hart Attack. HBK breaks up the pin. Kidd clotheslines HBK out of the ring, but HBK dodges Kidd’s leap over the ropes. Smith attempts the running power slam, but HHH dodges it. HBK tunes up the band, and HHH runs Smith into HBK’s boot. Smith is taken out with the Pedigree for the pin and three-count.
Winners (and STILL Unified Tag Team Champions): DX
That’s it for this year! Join us next week to ring in the first “Smackdown” of 2010. Be warned, however, that the quality of the review you’ll get is inversely correlated to how awesome of a New Year’s party I attend, so your guess is as good as mine as to what will end up posted here. Never a dull moment!
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