Home ▸ SmackDown ▸ Smackdown 12/28/12: The Score Drops the Ball, Again.

Once again, the Canadian carrier of Smackdown has dropped the ball. Or fumbled it. Either way, this did not air on Friday in lieu of a random college football game. This article may or may not have gone up on Friday as well. Who can know? Not me, because this part of the review was written on Friday morning. Put on your time-travelling boots, folks. Let’s see what happens….

I miss Shane Helms.

I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s Smackdown reviews work. This is not a play-by-play recap, there’s enough of those online. This is a highly-opinionated take of the show in question.

– Wrestling Society X’s voice-over guy runs down the recent story lines with ShyGuyLess being called a potato eater by The Big Show, and the AJ kissing booth festivities with Duffman, Johnny See No Evil, and Mr. Big E. Smalls.

– It’s the final Smackdown of 2012, and at least it doesn’t start off with Miz TV. Good. Sheamus talks about drinking his face off, terrible presents, and sunscreen from his Ma. And since all faces associate fighting with the Christmas season, he calls out Big Show. Great. Big Show comes out and asks Sheamus, “Do I look like Santa Claus to you?” The crowd starts chanting “Yes!” Sheamus calls Show fat. Show notes he has beaten up the Irishman like 4,292 times over the last couple months. JT is seen in the audience holding up a sign stating, “Someone needs to end this, playah.”

– Bookmarker Tree comes out agreeing with Show initially, but Show cuts him off noting that Sheamus has had his chance and that there is absolutely no one in the back who is worthy. Bookmarker is going to put all the roster’s names in a tumbler and the name he draws out will be pelted by rocks to death to appease the gods of agriculture. Huh? Wait, what? In all fairness, this is a pretty retarded way to determine a number one contender. Eve and the Ghost of Teddy Long bicker and fight over opening the tumbler… but the winner is Santino Marella. Big Show is crying in happiness. In all fairness, Big Show saves this segment with his great promo ability.

Cena totally no sold this.

– * Epico vs. Brodus Clay. Brodus hit’s the ring in traditional form and I immediately get locked into a choke. “Write, don’t dance…” My weekly invader suddenly vanishes as Jorge taps on the glass of my balcony saying something about my BBQ being out of propane, then flies off with feathers attached to his arms like a modern Icarus or something. Meanwhile, Funk rolls all over Epico and finishes him in about a minute. Post match, Cameron and Naomi take out an angry Rosa Mendez who had gotten up in Brodus’ grill. I wonder if that grill is also out of propane.

Marvel Comics fans know what I preach…

– Sheamus confronts Santino backstage about his upcoming match and offers advice. JT is seen behind, slightly off camera holding up a sign telling us how to download the WWE App for our smart phones. THEY GOT TO HIM TOO!! He convinces the Italian Stallion that the only thing that took down the giant was a Brogue Kick and he will teach the padawan this power. Is not Yoda, this Sheamus… and it results in Santino injuring his leg attempting to channel the Force. Team Alpha, Jorge and Joe, are seen dragging a now unconcious JT off camera mumbling something about re-education and ROH therapy.

– * Wade Barrett, Cody Rhodes & Damien Sandow vs. Kane, Daniel Bryan & Kofi Kingston. The heels are already in the ring, with Sandow looking thoroughly disgusted at what just occurred backstage. He’s a big mark for JT, after all. After the faces hit the ring, the six men exchange spots as would be expected in this type of scenario. Fortunately, all of them have been pretty awesome lately, so it bodes well for fans. The Neon Mute goes into Drug Store rubber ball mode on Wade Barrett, which prompts all men to enter the ring for a commercial break. During the break, an advertisement for Barrett Energy Bars airs claiming to provide you with a boost of pep without murdering you like 5 Hour Energy. And it’s not endorsed by that ramshackle bollocks TNA company (unless it works out for them, and then the WWE will steal it from them).

– We return to more of the same, which isn’t a terrible to say the least. After the faces manage to get beaten off and down, Wade Barrett lands a Bull Hammer on Coffee with two creams for the pin, and the win, and a caffeine boost that doesn’t kill you.

– Backstage, in the not-as-often-used-WWE Production Truck, we get a shot of Jorge and Joe tying JT into a chair. I note to myself, I must send them a “How To” on abducting JT and locking him up against his will. The only mistake I’ve ever made was not buying a lock for my non-existent apartment basement. Anyways, they strap on some device on his eyes like Alex in A Clockwork Orange and make him watch Chikara and ROH programs.

@G @Charles Barkley: “Haters gonna hate.”

@Charles Barkley @G: “Barkley’s gonna dunk.”

– Also backstage, we’re told Marella pulled a hamstring and Show demands to get the night off since he can’t compete. Playah? Playah? Booker summons the Ghost of Teddy Long to bring back the Tumbler for another draw. They pick a ball, and Long brings in Ric-Rod to which Show assumes will be his opponent tonight. Show gets the intimidated Ricardo to announce himself as the new champion, and then cheap shots El Local in the face.

– * Non-Title Match: Antonio Cesaro {C} vs. Zack Ryder. It should be a title match. Come on, Ryder’s popularity has ridden off into the sunset, or like a wheel chair down the stairs. Embrace the hate… remember that? Cesaro mocks and manipulates the spikey orange man like the overgrown Oompah Loopah he is demanding to speak to his employer, Willy Wonka. Ryder screams, “Don’t hurt me! He was bought out by Wade Barrett Inc. in a hostile takeover.” Cesaro will have none of it, and tosses and tortures the former Edge-head some more. Ryder finally gets his heat, but misses his finisher while JBL calls it “The silliest thing I’ve ever seen in my life.” Neutralizer. Pin. Antonio walks away like the champion he is.

I miss Randy Savage.

– We’re told that next week on Wednesday Night, Cesaro will go against The Mediocre Khali. JBL tries to convince us it will be a sight to see. I can hear JT screaming, “It burns! IT BURNS!!!!” He must have just seen that blatant lie by JBL as well. Then we get to watch clips from Miz TV two Tuesdays ago.

– * The Miz vs. Dolph Ziggler (w/ AJ and Langston). I wonder if close ups on Langston’s face is a great idea, especially in HD. Hey look, I realize adults get acne once in a while too (and some problematically, sorry). But dude has maybe got some wellness issues. I wonder if he can powerlift a syringe. Bet he can. Anyways, Ziggler and Miz get rolling as sweat drips off the rookie Langston at ringside. I bet he’s nervous, especially when early on Miz tosses Ziggler over the top ropes into his awaiting arms. What a nice spot. Ziggler gets back to it with a single elbow drop and a one count! One-T Mathews and JBL bicker about a women scorned, being a dangerous one as JBL doubts AJ is the mastermind behind this operation. This banter continues as Ziggler locks on Aksana’s patented headlock of doom. DOOM!!! Oh shit. I look outside, no Fantastic Four sightings. Phew. That latex-fetish axeman from a couple months ago is seen in the audience, stealing JT’s gimmick, holding up a sign that says, “You still no it’s fake, right?” [sic]. Team Alpha immediately set him on fire like that famous photo on the cover of the first Rage Against the Machine (for those who know it from there). They run off, screaming, “IRONY!”. All of this distracts Miz and allows Ziggler to hit the Zig Zag and pick up the win! The trio of awkwardness celebrate as a dejected Miz grabs a microphone mumbling, “Hey AJ, we all know whatever WWE superstar you’re with on New Year’s Eve… that night’s going to end with a bang!” Ziggler loses his shit, and runs to attack the Miz, who fends him off. So Big E. Langston jumps into the fray and beats Miz down for calling AJ crazy a slut.

Merry XXX-mas after the fact.

– Backstage Booker T has a doctor looking at Ric-Rod asking about whether he can wrestle tonight, and his over all future. Enter Brad Maddox, fuck I love this guy, who wants one more chance. He has this smarmy way of asking using Booker’s “Can you dig that suckah!!”. It’s fantastic. Booker screams at him about one more chance, and tells the weasel he’s going to get said chance next, and it’s up next. Enter Alberto Del Rio, recently off his stint murdering Santa Claus, and he’s all pissed off about his friend Ricardo getting a beat down. Booker books ADR into Ric-Rod’s spot, and ADR dedicates his match to his personal ring announcer.

– Maddox enters as a sauntering slimy greaseball, full of charisma. He notes his New Year’s resolution is to become a WWE superstar, and wishes us a Happy New Year. Listen folks, I told you about the Damien Sandow bandwagon since day one… and you didn’t believe me. I told you about Maddox the same thing. Get the fuck on, because we’re leaving without you. The guy has the word “Punch” written on his gloves, and “Kick” written on his boots. How can you not tell me that’s not fucking awesome.

I don’t care that this is dated. Because it’s true. The internet told me so.

* Sheamus vs. Brad Maddox. Maddox looks concerned as he realizes he is fighting Unmixed Strawberry Yogurt, being lactose intolerant and all. Maddox still goes right to his foe, albeit, not without a brief moment of reluctance. Maddox manages to outsmart the big man, slapping him, and avoiding him heeltastically in and outside the ring. But Maddox’s luck can only last so long, as he becomes a T.A. to Professor Sheamus’ Math class, and then watches his television go to static as he eats White Noise. Sheamus isn’t finished, and pumps up for the Brogue Kick to Brad Maddox’s face. Sheamus, of course, wins.

– RAW Rebound. Kill yourself. Or FFW. I choose the latter.

– * The Usos vs. The Prime Time Players. Speaking of death, and dead (but sadly not zombies), that’s how the crowd is for this match to start. Things pick up as communication fails and Young accidentely kicks Titus in the head off an Irish whip from a random Uso. My illegal video cuts out and I am forced to change to a different service (possibly missing stuff… doesn’t matter). I feel a little bad being so nonchalant about that seeing I want to see the tagteam division boosted up, but they too are starting to die. Tagteam division needs food badly… Tagteam division is about to die…. Hashtag Arcade classic, Gauntlet reference. More communication failures continue as a random Uso rolls up Titus for the win. JT stumbles out from the back, stripping ropes and eye-opening apparatus parts from himself… He holds up a sign. It says, “No more fucking around G. Team Alpha has a third member now.” Jorge and Joe are seen in the crowd in the aisle nodding, and hold up their own sign proclaiming, “He’s here! He’s the third man!”

We’re not finished just yet, buddy.

– Coincidentally enough, we get another video from Team Beta, The Shield, up NXT. Mild spoiler alert, right Joe? Silent Assassin… SHHH!!!. ThatDamnDoubleC approves.

– Another year comes to an end, but we will not forget the scar they left. How they took out Ryback, Team Friendship, Randall Keith Orton, and The Miz. “2013 will be the year The Shield cleanses the disease of injustice from WWE” notes Rollins. “Friends? We don’t have them! We don’t want them! We answer to no one!” states Ambrose. They state their names again. “In 2013, Justice lives. Believe in The Shield,” concludes Reigns… kind of. Ambrose screams, “BELIEVE IN THE SHIELD.” I don’t know what you call this bit, I call it “hope.” Can you belee ‘dat, suckah? I do. Don’t fuck this up, WWE.

– Mattius Strikinghammer interviews about the sham of opponents he’s been billed against tonight. Show notes if ADR wants to come down to do battle upon this Friday evening, he shall make it a trifecta. That’s the type of terminology I’d like to hear more from wrestlers… sadly, I question whether many wrestler’s lexicon is as diverse as the former college basketball player. He likely paid attention in English class. Once again I get choked out from behind… “G, I told you about trying to sound all-smart like and book-read in your reviews. Just type in monosyllabic words.” I breathe heavy as the silent assassin leaves (SHH!!). Jorge is seen falling onto my balcony screaming something about his wings melting due to flying too close to the Human Torch. DOOM!!!!

Years later, this is even more creepy.

– * Big Show vs. AlbertOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO… [cough, wheeze, cough] OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Del Rio. Big Show is an angry Green Giant (Ho ho ho!), and begins his assault accordingly. But Del Rio is no mere opponent, he has also faced Sheamus like 4,292 and curb stomps his opponent down a bunch and locks on an armbar. Dean Malenko is seen noting, “I know that move too.” Show kicks the Mexican aristocrat off of him, and then goes to leave. Fuck this shit, right. Nope. Sheamus runs out to prevent EXEUNTing the arena like the pasty patsy he is.

Lawns. Uphills both ways to school. Fucks given? Yep.

– I am forced again to switch piracy hosts, and miss some more. Meh, don’t care. I guess the officials call for the bell, either because of a countout or Sheamus. Out come all the heels and faces united to send the man who called them rejects, losers, and nobodies back to face a Shining Wizard via Del Rio and a Brogue Kick from Shamu. There’s a pop up on my screen for Kleenex as…

I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.

The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.

Tell me I’m a retard on Twitter! Yes, you can mock me on social media now here: @GoftheInternet

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