Happy Friday, everyone!

Welcome to the Delayed-Time Review of this week’s “Smackdown.” As opposed to a Real-Time, you see.

Thanks to the wondrous glory that is Tivo, I just finished watching the show. In the interest of efficiency, here’s how it went down:

The show opens with a video package of Mike Tyson highlights from RAW. Particular attention is given to Chris Jericho getting knocked the f*** out, as certain comedians would phrase it.

To the ring! Chris Jericho speaks. He’s not crawling into a hole and disappearing, as much as the audience may want him to.

Chris Jericho vs. John Morrison: This could be great fun. The match is interrupted by the arrival of Intercontinental Champion Drew McIntyre, who sits at ringside in a chair and watches the match with quiet intensity. Jericho and Morrison have quite the match, but McIntyre rises from his chair to hold up the IC title belt in front of Morrison. Morrison takes the bait, and Jericho gets the win with the Codebreaker. Post-match, McIntyre returns to the ring to shove the belt in Morrison’s face, and then stomp on said face.

Winner: Chris Jericho

To the ring! CM Punk and Luke Gallows enter for a four-way tag team match, but that isn’t important now. What is important is the video recap of last week’s “Straight Edge Saving” of young James. Punk is disdainful, hateful brilliance, talking about “one nation, under Punk, indivisible, with integrity and sobriety for all.” Creepy cult leader CM Punk rules! Luke Gallows even speaks, trying to make the fans understand that you don’t need to wake up and take a pill to make it through the day when you have CM Punk. The “Saved” one this time is a thin man called Trevor, with a decent Afro going on. Trevor can’t remember how many drinks that he has consumed so far this year. Trevor makes the pledge, and gets his head shaved. There is much love from Punk and Gallows now. From the audience, not so much.

CM Punk & Luke Gallows vs. the Hart Dynasty vs. Cryme Tyme vs. Matt Hardy & the Great Khali: Yes, you read that last one correctly. A four-way tag team match is a mess to call. Gallows hits the 12th Step on JTG to get the win and a shot at the Undisputed Tag Team Championship titles for himself and Punk. Curiouser and curiouser, said Alice.

Winners (and #1 Contenders to the Undisputed Tag Team Championship titles): CM Punk & Luke Gallows

To the back! Josh Matthews tries to interview Batista. Batista has nothing to say about Rey Mysterio, he is not at all afraid of the Undertaker, and unless Matthews wants to die, this interview is over.

To the ring! Undertaker makes his entrance in grand Dead Man style. It’s just cool. Taker speaks. He’ll be answering the challenge of Shawn Michaels personally on RAW.

Beth Phoenix vs. Mickie James: Yay, two women who actually have business in the ring! A really good match between Beth and Mickie, until Beth gets disqualified for repeatedly attacking Mickie while Mickie is hung upside down in the Tree of Woe. My personal nemesis, Michelle McCool, and Layla rush the ring. Beth acted as though she wanted Team Skanktastic to bring it, but left the ring instead. McCool and Layla tear into Mickie. Mickie fights back, but gets planted with AJ Styles’s finishing move that McCool stole and gets away stealing with because she’s a female. Mickie is left on the mat.

Winner (by DQ): Mickie James

Kane vs. Dolph Ziggler: Kane enters, but we cut to Ziggler standing by with Josh Matthews. Odd. Ziggler says that he will beat Kane yet again and win the Royal Rumble. A solid match between these two guys again. They’ve really done much better together than I would have thought. Kane chokeslams Ziggler for the win.

Winner: Kane

To the back! Rey Mysterio is wished good luck by Maria and possibly the greatest tag team in WWE apart from the Hart Dynasty, Jimmy Wang Yang and Slam Master J. Even a nightmare is still a dream, and dreams can come true. Ok….

Batista vs. Rey Mysterio: This match was to determine once and for all the #1 Contender to the Undertaker’s World Heavyweight Championship title. It was, in fact, a cage match. Batista out-powered Rey at every turn, and the cage deprived Rey of the 619. Rey tries to crawl out of the cage door, but Batista drags him back inside. Rey counters a Batista Bomb by holding on to the top of the cage. Rey climbs over the cage while Batista heads for the door. Rey kicks the door in Batista’s face and exits the cage first for the win and the title shot.

Winner (and #1 Contender to the Undertaker’s World Heavyweight Championship title): Rey Mysterio

Peace out,


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