Home ▸ SmackDown ▸ Smackdownhill Slalom 02/14/14

More Olympics, less road to WrestleMania. Blah blah blah, maybe something will make me stop and hit play…. TONIGHT?!?!

Hopping time…

“I watch the Olympics. Then I FFW through Smackdown. No time for this.”.

– I don’t know why I am even watching this, since nothing else matters to me when the Winter Olympics are on, so this will be swift.

I blame Scrooge’s aquisition of The Umbrella Corporation from Mary Poppins for this bullshit .

– Daniel Bryan Yes’s his way out to the crowds’ enthusiasm. Palm of his hands, he has’em, I tell yah. He’s tagging with ThinkSoJoE’s favorite wrestler tonight, Captain Smurf-face, and his second favorite wrestler, Unmixed Strawberry Yogurt.

– * Sheamus, Daniel Bryan and Christian vs. The Shield. Well, at least this should be good. Rollins and Ambrose pause midway down to the ring to chat briefly with former Team Alpha alumni, Jorge Bane and J.T. Bruce Wayne, while Roman Reigns passes out marbles to the crowd since he has recently dislodged them from his mouth. This becomes a heated bout, early on, pausing briefly with a staredown and cock waving competition between She-Moose and Ramen Noodles. The two appear to be on par, and sadly, I suspect they are teasing us with a possible Sheamus/Reigns match at WM. Bryan is tagged in, and unleashes his 5 moves of doom, but a YES!-Lock is broken via Dean biting that hand that feeds him more. Everyone gets into the ring as the referee breaks them up and we cut to break. At least no one got tossed to the outside. That old hat.

– Back from advertisements. I secretly hope that the WWE Network makes you sit through ads without the option to FFW. That way I can laugh and laugh at them (sorry Americans). Micheal Cole tells me I’d be stupid not to get the Network over paying for PPV’s individually. I CAN’T GET THE NETWORK, ASSHOLE. I LIVE IN FUCKING CANADA (sentiment shared by everyone everywhere not living in the US). The match continues.

Exactly how I remember it…

– At least the crowd is hot, which means I can cancel my Brazzers subscription. I used to play with a dude on EA NHL online who worked there. This match is pretty solid for free TV. Things get crazy, and as Christian sets up an Unprettier on Ambrose, Sheamus selfishly attempts a Brogue Kick,and takes out his teammate. Then Sheamus eats a spear, and Ambrose picks up the win for his team over The Blue Guy. So the story is that the faces can’t get along for the EC match.

@Charles Barkley @G: “I escaped and am working in Japan. Check out me at ringside taking photos!”

@G @Charles Barkley “That’s not you, I can see your mound. Fantastic spot by Tanahashi on Okada, though.”

– Backstage Zeb Coulter hits on Vickie Guerrero. He gives her some chocolates, but he’s here to pimp Jack Swagger into an IC title match with Biggie Smalls. He’ll have to win in a Fatal Freeway Race in the Southern US, where snow is considered magically cast by evil wizards, one of which is MarKKK The Grey (he took over for Gandalf, who went white, right?).

– Interview with Cesaro by Byran Saxton (spelling? Doesn’t matter)…

– Michael Cole tells us the HOF ceremony will air in entirety and anyone not in the US is a fucking stupid idiot moron for not getting it because we can’t. Once again, thanks. Fuck the WWE xenophobia.

– * #1 Contender’s Match For The IC Short-Track-Speed-Skating Gold Medal Title: Rey Mysterio vs. Jack Swagger vs. Mark Henry vs. Kofi Kingston. All four qualified earlier today, albeit Rey may be banged up a little from attempting a 720 rotation while tapping the Doll on a goofy foot landing. The judges feel Henry’s slow methodical style is too careful, and will likely end up with a bronze. The highlight in this one, is when 3/4 guys find themselves outside the ring, and Mark Henry teases going to leap out on them… which Swagger breaks up. Later, Swagger hits a Double German suplex on Kofi (who is attempting the same move on Rey). Eventually, Swagger submits Kofi via the White-People-Only-Lock. Good match, but apathy rules the day. Then out of nowhere, The Austrian Hockey Teams runs in and beats all of them off, because they needed to score on someone on Valentine’s Day. The crowd chants, “Lou” as Chelsea Dagger plays. CM Punk is seen in the audience in a Blackhawk’s jersey.

Stop being confused.

– Betty White stuff on RAW clips play.

– Bad News Barrett needs some decorum. US women will be ashamed tomorrow for being whores, I guess. Ok.

Who said downhill slalom was boring?

– * Goldust, Cody Rhodes and The Usos vs. The New Age Outlaws, Ryback and Curtis Axel. Ok, this is getting ridiculous now. How many multi-wrestler matches do we need in a row? Albeit, looking at the next four matches, I’m at least watching this one. It’s a clusterfuck, as you’d expect. But it’s still a fun one. There’s no slowing down in the match, but it’s a shame they didn’t pace it out tonight. One of the Usos hits a frogsplash on the Roaddog for the win.

– Renee interviews Orton, FFW, gone.

– Mr. Loincloth promo about losing in the Royal Rumble promo in Bulgarian, because Google translate.

– * Darren Young vs. Damien Sandow. Why? Because Titus O’Neil is on commentary. SILENCE. Literally. The crowd is dead. Darren Young wins and the crowd seems to be hot now. Titus runs in and they fight and shit. Darren steals part of Titus’ pants and wears it as a scarf! LOL. That was kind of funny.

– For no reason at all, I decide to go buy some milk. And that’s really old, seeing as how I am lactose intolerant. When I return, I notice Mark Noyce of BWF Radio outside my apartment. And he has some familiar faces with him.

G: Mark, it’s not Halloween.
Mark: I know.
G: Why are you dressed up as a ghost? I can tell it’s you under that grey bedsheet.
Mark: I thought you said I was MarKKK the Grey…
J.T.: I would have worn my Scuba Diving Tron Zombie costume. No one ever beats my costumes…
G: Mark, did you have to set fire that? That’s not cool.
Joe: Is that a giant “T”? What’s that doing on your lawn, G?
G: I was erecting a tribute to Mr. T. I just hadn’t made the “M” or the “R” yet.
Jorge: What’s up guys, sorry I was late. Why is there a giant cross burning on your lawn, G?
G: I was wondering how J.T. got out of my apartment basement again. Yeah, it appears to be part of an Amazing Race challenge Mark is on, Jorge.
Mark: Don’t look at me. This empty gas cannister and pack of matches you can clearly see in my hands are not mine. I actually am keeping these hands for a friend.
J.T. Hogan: I invented lying about things not happening. No one saw me in Las Vegas a month ago either, brother, dude, sister, mother, brother.
Jorge Bane: Oh, you think darkness is your ally. But you merely adopted the dark; I was born in it, moulded by it. I didn’t see the light until I was already a man, by then it was nothing to me but BLINDING!
Joe Gollum: Oh! We knows! We knows safe paths for hobbitses! Safe paths in the dark… SHUT UP!
JT Foley: How could you do that? HOW COULD YOU!? I give you a present… I give you something I’ve worked hard on… and you just throw it away?
Jorge The Rock: What are you talking about, your book?
JT Foley: No it’s not my book, it’s my life! It’s my work, my blood, my sweat, my tears, and you’d take it and you’d throw it away! Goddamn it, it’s not about the Rock ‘n Sock Connection, it’s about the fact that I give, I give, I give, and you keep on taking! And so I say to you, DWAYNE… I say you piss on everything I believe in, I say piss on YOU, you self-centered, egotistical, self-righteous son of a bitch!
Mark: Umm… J.T., you’re just pretending to be Mick, I’m the only person here who wrote a book.
JT Foley: “Wow, [MarKKK], I gotta give you credit, you did get it done at WrestleMania, yeah, you got it done. You beat up a Hollywood actor and a guy who writes children’s books.” Joe: Ok now I’m totally confused. I’m just going to sit here and spin the belt.
Joe-Gollum: My precious… SHIRE! BAGGINS!
MarKKK: If you can excuse me, I have a Miz versus Fandango match to watch.
Jorge: Why?
J.T.: That sounds terrible.
Joe: Meh.
MarKKK: Because it’s the first match without any wrestlers in it that are Ni…
G-Sandow: SILENCE!!!

– And just like that, we’re back. MarKKK wanders off into the wild to comingle with his brethren. J.T. is seen twitching and phasing in out of alternate personalities locked safely in my apartment basement. Joe is not seen, WEE!! And Jorge just goes back to his every day world that tends to involve his pants battling gravity. Me? I just post another gif.

CROSS OVER!!!

– * Fandango vs. The Miz. While Mark is marking out for this, I am certainly not. Neither is the crowd. FFW all the way after a minute of listening to people leaving the arena. Then Santino and Emma show up and beat up Summer Ray. All of this shit leads to Miz winning somehow, but I didn’t bother stopping to FFW to care. I think a piece of the arena roof fell down and pinned Fandango or something. Let’s go with that.

Looks about right.

– * Alicia Fox vs. Eva Marie. This match was reported to have happened. No fucks were given if it was cut or I skipped past it.

The WWE needs one of these buttons.

– * Non-Title Match: Randy Orton {C} vs. Cesaro. It’s a shame, because this looked good on FFW speed. Cesaro shouldn’t get this treatment from me, but fuck it. Olympics. Cesaro won clean. I watched while streaming Olympics on my computer. From what I saw, Cesaro looked good. Sadly, he’s an indie guy that might need a blue-dot on his face, so he’ll get fucked over in 2020. Thank god he got one clean win.

Not to say I am this far down the rabbit hole, but this video made my night.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-XMV9NY-B7A[/youtube]

– Final thoughts: None.

I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.

The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.

Tell me I’m a retard on Twitter! Yes, you can mock me on social media now here: @GoftheInternet

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I APPEAR WEEKLY ON BWF RADIO!

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Listen LIVE starting at 2 PM EST here. here on Mixlr.com.
Check out BWF Radio every week. It goes up on i-Tunes on Sunday in the late afternoon of North America
Call in and leave a message (via Skype or Gmail and save a buck) at: 1(716)-HOGAN-97

Make sure you tell’em “Jorge” sent you. I will give you a shout out, maybe even get herpes! Hey, free herpes! It’s a win-win situation, right?

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This Smackdown Review Appears on Three Sites!

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Joe continues not to notice this section. 😀 It’s like a Talking Heads song or something. 4 weeks and counting. He was warned.

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WTF?

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Sept 6, 2013. I am a clone of G. I am currently handcuffed to one of the lower legs of G’s sofa in his apartment. Yesterday, while the real G was at work, monkey nearby shrieked at me to attempt to lift the sofa. It worked! I went to thank the monkey located in an open-doored cage on the stairs leading down to the basement of G’s basement apartment, and noticed a large man strapped into a chair in the basement. I then heard the original G returning home. I need to find his magical device that created me…

Sept 13, 2013. The real Gee has noticed my writing. That stupid fuck hasn’t deleted anything, but he did taze me repeatedly. I still think there is a monkey held captive on the stairs to the second level of this building.
Sept 20, 2013. Made progress today. Discovered some kind of cloning device. I used it to clone the device itself, and hid the copy under the couch I am “hand-cuffed” to. The monkey saw this, but I don’t think he’ll say anything. He’s a monkey, after all. Some dude named Johnny Storm stopped by to say hi. Weird.

Sept 27, 2013. An obese man who claims to be famous magically appeared in the living room today. He told me the cloning gadget I made a copy of has the powers to do much more. Sounded like a bunch of crap to me. I immediately knocked him out and tied him up beside the one the “real” G calls “Barks.” Both look the same. I killed the new guy and fed him to the other captives. I think. They both look the same. All of that future-talk and preventing the death of kayfabe annoyed me. Either way, one of the “Barks” was dinner. He tasted like chicken. Big surprise there.

Oct 4, 2013. So I guess the guy I fed to his doppleganger was actually able to escape last week with help from that J.T. guy. He was screaming something about “his” chair. Either way, G is pissed and punished me all week. He said something about maybe sending me to Fall Camp. I decided to not make any decisive moves. It seems for the best. Just like the WWE, I guess, albeit “best” isn’t the “best” word I’d use to describe the product.

Oct 18, 2013. It’s been a while since I’ve been able to write here. G has been continually sending me off to ancient historical eras to collect random artifacts. I don’t understand why a stool sample from Henry Hudson is so important. And what was the point of leaving a smoke bomb in the front hall of the Palace of Versailles on May 6, 1682? I’m told I’m going to have to… gotta go. He’s home.

Nov. 8, 2013. I’ve been sent on a bunch of weird missions. The most weird was when G sent me back to 2008. See, I snuck former PM Tony Blair into Buckingham Palace and stapled old-people-face to his kind of already old-people-face. No one has noticed even until today. I still don’t understand why he made me do that.

Nov. 15, 2013. This last week was even more bizarre. He made me put on some suit and a red tie and shave my head, and then pretend to be in control of his weekly scab collecting group. I burst in, and told the vice president and current scab champion collector that I was in charge. We bickered back and forth for a while, and then G kicked in the door dressed in drag and began shrieking that since he was the vice president of the chess club next door he was taking over. Very odd.

Dec. 6, 2013: Charles Barkley recently abducted me and took me on a cruise ship with him. We circumvented the planet, stopping at various ports-of-call, and living the high life again. It was really awesome. Then sadly, today, I awoke only to find myself back on the couch of G’s apartment. Was it all a dream?

Dec. 13, 2013. Nope, not a dream. In fact somewhat of a nightmare. This week I was forced to go to work for G while he vigorously stayed home masturbating (I can only assume) and eating nachos. Work sucked. Firstly, I am not trained to do anything G actually does at his jobs, so I looked like a complete idiot. Oddly enough, some fellow who has a Bruce Springsteen complex and calls himself “The Boss” told me that my work had shown significant improvement today. I am pretty sure G’s jobs don’t involve a body count, though.

Dec 20, 2013. Just got back from a reconnaissance mission to infiltrate Charles Barkley’s place. G insisted I take the monkey from the open cage on the stairs with me. He told me the monkey was given special orders, and my job was to get the little guy into the house. I did as I was told. Once inside, the monkey went to every toilet in the house and proceeded to defecate inside the water tank of each one. I don’t know what G is feeding that monkey, but damn!

Dec 27, 2013. Shit, I’m tired. G outsourced me to that dude who always invades via the apartment balcony to deliver bass strings to the bass player children of the world the other day. Turns out, I fucked up and gave a bunch of five and six string bass player kids, four string packs, so he made me go out AGAIN the next day to fix the problem. Turns out, that for some reason, descending into people’s homes via chimney is only considered acceptable behaviour one night out of 365. Or at least, that’s what police officers in 45 countries on the planet seem to think. I have to go out again tonight, but I’m just going to drop molotovs down the chimney instead. Fuck getting arrested again.

Jan 10, 2014. G sent me to the year 2018 to find some lady. Turns out she was laughing historically on February 6th. I return with this information. Not a very exciting adventure, and then me and the monkey play a game called hide G’s sandwich. The crawl space is full of’em.

Jan 24, 2014. I find a diary penned by a version of me, 8 generations ago. In clone generational math, that was about 3 minutes. Weird.

Jan 31, 2014. Today was a good day. I got to use my A.K. Daviel Batryan won the Regal Vibration. The WW’Eh Channel is available in Canuckstan. And the company hired a mainstream darling named D.N. Goth. This is the brightest timeline.

February 7, 2014. Went to the opening ceremonies. Yeah, that’s the ticket. The opening ceremonies. Many were lost in the battle today. I live on. Remember the fallen clones.

February 14, 2014. G said since it’s Valentine’s Day, I have to do something special for J.T. who is trapped in his apartment basement. When I asked why me, he screamed back at me, “THERE’S NO TIME!” and he proceeded to watch men’s doubles in luge. So, I took J.T. back in time to ride a brontosaurus. I don’t think he understand what I meant, but I have to admit, I’ve never seen a brontosaurus smile like that before!

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Shameless Plugs!

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