Greetings, all!

Your Empress of “Impact” is here to guide you through the twisted labyrinth of TNA’s latest ppv offering, “No Surrender!” Find the nearest line and cross it! Away we go.

One sign in the crowd reads, “Need More MMG.” Most definitely!

Match #1: Sarita & Taylor Wilde vs. The Beautiful People: This is the finals of the Knockouts tag team tournament, and the winners will be the first-ever champs. Mike Tenay actually says that business issues have caused Angelina Love and TNA to part ways, and that the TNA family wishes her the best of luck. Madison Rayne and Velvet Sky make a new interest. Unlike a great number of people, I think that a Knockouts tag team division is a fantastic idea. Senior referee Earl Hebner throws out referee Slick Johnson due to his past favoritism of The Beautiful People, and takes over the match himself. Sarita and Velvet start. Some good mat work from Sarita, then Taylor tags in. Rayne tags in, but Sarita makes a blind tag, and double-teaming ensues. Madison gets the upper hand against Sarita, and Velvet tags in. More double-teams. Velvet does a curb stomp-type move on Sarita. Both Velvet and Rayne show much better ring work than they have in the past. Taylor and Rayne go. Velvet runs in screaming, and Taylor takes out both of them. Taylor grabs Rayne in a suplex, and Sarita hits a second-rope dropkick on Rayne, allowing Taylor to get the pin.

Winners and first-ever TNA Knockouts Tag Team Champions: Sarita & Taylor Wilde

Tenay and Taz run down the card, including a just-announced ppv bonus match of Suicide vs. “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero in a “Falls Count Anywhere” match. Awesome surprise! I know there will be much complaining and criticizing of adding an unannounced ppv match that could have drawn some buys, but I love it because those who bought the ppv get something special and extra. Next time, more people might buy the show.

To the back! Lauren interviews the new Knockouts Tag Team Champions. Sarita and Taylor Wilde are ecstatic and proud, as well they should be.

Jeremy Borash interviews World Elite, asking Eric Young why he thinks that there’s a chance at all that Hernandez would join World Elite. Kiyoshi takes the mic and asks EY something in Japanese. EY answers in English, telling Hernandez that he won’t touch him, or even put on wrestling gear. Hernandez can give him all the punishment he wants, but EY wants Hernandez to come home to World Elite.

Match #2: Eric Young vs. Hernandez (Grudge match): Eric Young enters first, wearing his suit. Taz and Tenay disbelieve EY’s claims. Hernandez enters second. I still really don’t like his new music. Hernandez is clearly not a happy man, and attacks EY straight away. EY does not fight back. HUGE Border Toss on EY, followed by a quick three-count. Hernandez storms out of the ring.

Winner: Hernandez

To the back! JB interviews Matt Morgan. Morgan suddenly looks a lot like Triple H in the face. Morgan speaks very softly, and gives one of the best promos of his career. Just typing the words here doesn’t do it justice, you’ll have to see it for yourselves. One particularly nice moment was when he said that he could feel the burn in his hand as he yanked the torch away from Kurt Angle tonight.

Match #3: Samoa Joe vs. Daniels (X-Division Championship match): Crowd chants of “X-Division!” Nice! I know this is a ppv, but I’ve been really looking forward to this match, so I’m sitting back and enjoying it. Pacing is actually slow and deliberate to start. Nice guillotine leg drop by Daniels from the top rope! Joe rolls out to the floor, and Daniels hits his split-legged moonsault on Joe. LOUD chants of “Fallen Angel!” Joe works over Daniels’s legs and knees repeatedly. Daniels is on one leg for much of the match. Joe traps Daniels in the Kokina Clutch, and Daniels is forced to tap out.

Winner by submission (and still X-Division Champion): Samoa Joe

To the back! JB interviews Mick Foley, who freaks out over the “Tweet and Tweak Connection” picture being trashed. Foley will be the special guest commentator during the Nash-Abyss match.

To the back! Lauren interviews “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero. He’s such a fun promo. Pope is pimpin’ the Stacker 2 6-hour energy drink. Suicide jumps The Pope from behind, and they set to fighting. The referee waits, but nothing happens. With no entrances, the referee runs to the back, and the “Falls Count Anywhere” match ensues.

Match #4: Suicide vs. “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero: This is a “Falls Count Anywhere” match. Supposedly, fans demanded this match be added to the ppv, and so it was. The first several minutes take place backstage, involving a golf cart, various stacks of equipment, a dumpster, and a major wardrobe malfunction where Suicide pulls down “The Pope”‘s trunks, and Ric Flair moments ensue. Much gratuitous ass shots of “The Pope.” That sentence looks so wrong when I type it. Suicide and “The Pope” fight out to the ring, with the trunks being pulled up eventually. “The Pope” shoves Suicide’s head down on the ring bell, and rings the bell with the small hammer. Tables are set up. “The Pope” tries to suplex Suicide from the ramp down onto a table, but Suicide fights out. Suicide goes for the Suicide Solution at the top of the ramp, but “The Pope” fights out. “The Pope” knocks Suicide loopy, and goes for the DDE double knees, but Suicide cuts him off with a huge dropkick of his own. Suicide brings a table out from an entrance tunnel and sets it up. Suicide lands the flipping fireman’s carry move on the top of the ramp. Ouch! Suicide lays “The Pope” on the table, then climbs the wall next to the entrance tunnel. He jumps off and goes through the table, but “The Pope” just rolls out of the way in time. Right after Suicide hits the floor, “The Pope” rolls over and covers Suicide for the three-count and win.

Winner: “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero

To the video package detailing the history of ODB, Cody Deaner, and the Knockouts Championship title.

Match #5: ODB vs. Cody Deaner (Knockouts Championship match): Cody Deaner enters first. ODB gets massive pop upon her entrance. Taz bemoans the fact that the relationship between ODB and Cody Deaner is done, and finds it very sad. Deaner holds out his “King of the Knockouts” shirt, which ODB uses to wipe herself. She gives his hat the same treatment. ODB lays into Deaner with open-hand slaps. Deaner low-blows ODB, but it has no effect. ODB leaps off the top rope to land on Deaner on the floor. Deaner retreats up the ramp, but ODB grabs his mullet and drags him back to the ring. The Tenay/Taz commentary is really fun here. ODB sits on the top turnbuckle and slams Deaner’s head into her crotch repeatedly. Deaner sweeps her leg and knocks her down. Loud “Booo”s ensue. Deaner chokes ODB on the ropes, then drags her by the hair to the middle of the ring. ODB kicks out at two. Deaner takes ODB’s flask and chugs it. He jumps off the top rope in an attempted double ax handle, but ODB grabs his crotch as he lands and twists. She repeats the “Dirty Dozen” headbutts to her crotch, following up with a Lou Thesz press and pin. Deaner kicks out at two. Deaner pins ODB by putting his feet on the ropes, but referee Andrew Thomas stops it. Thomas and Deaner yell at each other, and ODB rolls up Deaner, who kicks out at two. ODB tries again, but Deaner kicks out at two. Deaner lands his “Knockout Punch,” but ODB kicks out at two. ODB hits a TKO on Deaner and gets the pin.

Winner (and NEW Knockouts Champion): ODB

To the ramp! Lauren interviews ODB, who says that while she may not like half the broads in the back, she wasn’t going to let Deaner walk out with their title. To all the TNA fans around the world and to all her fans in prison, the party’s just getting started!

To the back! JB interviews Kurt Angle. Angle trashes Matt Morgan, and tells Sting and AJ that he likes fairy tales as much as anyone, but he reads them to his kids at home. Tonight, it’s real. It’s damn real!

Match #6: Abyss vs. Kevin Nash (Legends title vs $50,000 Bounty): Mick Foley comes out to do special guest commentary. He carries his barbed-wire baseball bat with him. Taz tells Foley that Tenay broke the “Tweet and Tweak Connection” picture. Funny! Abyss enters first. Nash enters second, and Foley talks about not being mad at Abyss anymore. Typical “big man” match here, with slow-paced power moves that look pretty stiff. Foley and Taz joke about being yelled at through headsets. Heh. Nash gets a chair, but Abyss slams Nash’s head into the ring post. A sign in the audience reeads, “Needs Less MEM.” I think it’s the opposite side of the sign that reads, “Needs More MMG.” Loud “Booo!”s ensue, as Dr. Stevie pulls a chair out and sits at the top of the entrance ramp, cheering on Nash. Nash chokes Abyss on the ropes with his boot. Foley and Taz throw words around, like “discombobulation.” Awesome! Abyss fights out of a choke slam, and knocks down Nash. Abyss hits Nash with a side slam, but Nash kicks out at two. Dr. Stevie comes down to ringside, and while the referee argues with him, a zombie hot, delicious, magnificent Daffney rushes the ring with a taser gun. Abyss hits her with a Black Hole Slam. Abyss considers using the taser, but doesn’t. Nash hits Abyss with a chair, but Abyss kicks out. Abyss choke slams Nash, but Nash kicks out. Abyss yells at Foley to give him the bat. Foley complies, though he hands it over wrong-ended and makes Abyss work for it, and the referee tries to stop him. Nash tasers Abyss in the groin while the referee is distracted with Foley, and gets the  win. Post-match, Dr. Stevie grabs the bag of money back and refuses to give it to Nash because Abyss isn’t crippled yet. Nash flattens Dr. Stevie, takes the money and the Legends title, and leaves.

Winner (and STILL Legends Champion, $50,000 Bounty Winner): Kevin Nash

To the back! JB interviews Scott Steiner and Booker T. Steiner insults foreigners, and Booker says that the British Invasion can’t carry their jockstraps. He wonders why they’re even in the same ring. I wonder that very thing, Booker.

Match #7: “Lethal Lockdown” tag team match with Team 3D and Beer Money vs. the British Invasion & Booker T and Scott Steiner: This is not a tag team title match, so Booker T and Scott Steiner aren’t in danger of losing their belts. It will be contested under “Lethal Lockdown” rules. We start with one guy from each team, and alternating teams get a man in until all members are in the cage. Then, the roof gets lowered. The “man advantage” goes to the British Invasion, Steiner, and Booker T because of the match that they won last week on “Impact.” The first man out is Doug Williams. The next man out is “Cowboy” James Storm, who does not have his awesome Boozer Cruiser or Beer Helmet. Aww. Storm does, however, have a beer bottle, the contents of which he spits in the face of Williams on the ramp. They fight to the cage, enter, and the door is closed. Solid, basic wrestling here, nothing flashy, but effective. Williams chokes Storm with Storm’s own discarded t-shirt. They have five minutes of one-on-one action before the next man enters. Storm chokes Williams with his discarded shirt. Chants of “Just a wanker!” pick up for a moment. Williams hits a closely low blow on Storm, and takes him down. Very physical, very even give-and-take action so far. I’d personally like to see Beer Money and the British Invasion just go, without the other teams being involved. Brutus Magnus enters next. Magnus is so busy talking to the outside referee that he doesn’t see Storm run and kick the cage door open. Magnus dodges the brunt of it, and throws the door back at Storm. Magnus and Williams shake hands before commencing to beat down Storm. The British Invasion double-teams Storm, throwing him repeatedly into the cage and opening up his forehead. Now it’s only two minutes between entrances. Robert Roode is the next guy in. YES! Now we basically have The British Invasion vs Beer Money in a cage match. I’d be happy with just this. The pace and the action pick up considerably, and proper tag team action ensues. Scott Steiner is in next. Steiner starts dropping everyone with Steinerlines and suplexes. Steiner actually hits a Frankensteiner on Roode. I know that people like that, but should a heel do a cool move that gets big cheers? I’m just sayin’. Steiner and Magnus run Roode into the side of the cage like a battering ram. Brother Devon is in next. Devon lays everyone out. Devon’s punches have gotten very sloppy. Devon stands on Steiner’s throat while the British Invasion and Beer Money go after each other. Booker T is out next. He enters very slowly, posing with titles belts on each shoulder, in no hurry at all to help Steiner. Once in the cage, Booker kicks everyone down. Storm stood and waited FAR too long to get hit with a Booker T axe kick. Roode nearly got his head crushed by the cage door, courtesy of Steiner. Brother Ray is the last man out. Rob Terry rushes him from the side, knocking Ray into the audience. Terry follows up by hitting Ray with a chair, pretty stiffly, too. Terry then grabs the tech guy with the remote control to the cage roof by the throat, and makes him lower to roof (and all of the attached weapons) while Brother Ray is laid out outside the cage. Trash cans, crutches, and kendo sticks get used against Brother Devon and Beer Money. Outside the cage, Brother Ray recovers, and bends a chair nearly in half over Rob Terry’s head. Ray finally enters the cage, and lays out everyone with the chair. Magnus climbs out onto the roof of the cage. Storm follows him, and nearly falls from the top. Roode quickly follows, and beats Magnus with a crutch. Beer Money double-team suplexes Magnus on the roof of the cage. OUCH! Beer Money follows up with the “Beer! Money!” chant on the top of the cage. GOLD! SOmebody shut that screaming chick up! TNA has Daffney, and needs this person not at all! Beer Money climbs back into the cage, and lays waste to everyone. They hit the DWI (Drinking While Investing) on Booker T for the win. Magnus is still out on the roof of the cage. Post-match Ray continues to beat up Williams.

Winners: Team 3D and Beer Money

To the back! Lauren interviews Rhino about his upcoming match. Lauren refers to Lashley as “possibly the greatest MMA fighter in the world.” Uh, you have got to be high. Rhino is all pissed-off intensity as he informs Lashley that he won’t be in an MMA world tonight. He’ll be in a wrestling world, and Rhino will tear him apart. Lashley, apparently, refused to make any pre-match comments.

Match #8: “The War Machine” Rhino vs. “The Boss” Bobby Lashley: I’m in the minority, I’m sure, but I like the Rhino we’ve seen over the past two or three weeks better than anything I’ve seen from him in ages. Rhino is at his best as a pissed-off heel, and this is good for him. Lashley dominates at first with clubbing punches and forearms, but Rhino dodges and rolls out to the floor. Lashley comes after him on the floor. Rhino throws Lashley into the railing. Rhino rolls Lashley back into the ring, and hits a big spinebuster. Lashley kicks out at two. Rhino gets in a shot to the lower back, and stays on Lashley. Rhino chokes Lashley with his boot. Rhino flattens Lashley with a punch, and locks in a chinlock with a knee to the back. Another pin, but Lashley kicks out. Lashley downs Rhino with a spinning back elbow. Very little actual wrestling out of Lashley so far. Lashley drives his shoulder into Rhino’s midsection in the corner. Rhino is completely busted open. Referee Andrew Thomas is accidently speared, but Rhino follows up with another Gore, and another referee is immediately in the ring. Rhino goes for another Gore, but Lashley lands one punch to the face and drops Rhino. Lashley gets the pin. Rhino carried this match, and countering a Gore with a punch does not please me.

Winner: Lashley

To the back! JB interviews AJ Styles and Sting. One of them will walk out of the building as TNA World Heavyweight Champion.

Match #9: Kurt Angle vs. Matt Morgan vs. Sting vs. AJ Styles (World Heavyweight Championship match): We see a video package recapping how these four players got to this match. In addition, each competitor gets his own video package prior to the match. JB makes official ring introductions. As JB is about to announce the name of “Kurt Angle,” Hernandez’s music hits. He cashes in his “Feast or Fired” World Heavyweight Champion title shot! Angle is furious, and yells at Taz. Angle gets in Hernandez’s face and slaps him. Hernandez knocks Angle flat, and follows up with a shoulder block and a high vertical suplex. The other participants stand around and watch. Hernandez clotheslines Angle over the top rope, and the match begins. Hernandez and Angle fight on the floor outside, while AJ and Sting double-team Morgan. Morgan throws AJ to the floor under the bottom rope. Morgan and Sting go in the ring, but Sting kicks out at two. Hernandez goes to Border Toss Angle from the top of the ramp, but Eric Young runs out and hits Hernandez in the leg with a club. Young hits a piledriver on Hernandez at the top of the ramp, and smiles. Sting and AJ double-team Morgan in the ring again. Medics check on Hernandez. AJ and Sting fight each other now. AJ flip-dives off the apron onto Angle and Morgan. Angle seemed to take the bullet for Morgan there, so Morgan and Angle start working together. AJ rolls out of an Angle Lock and gets a two-count. Morgan and Sting fight on the floor as Angle and AJ go on the other side. Angle hits AJ with a tiltawhirl backbreaker on the floor, while Morgan chokes Sting in the ring. Angle and Morgan double-team Sting. Angle cuts AJ off and throws him back onto the floor. All four guys are back in the ring. AJ punches and kicks Morgan. Angle suplexes AJ. Sting is out, so Morgan and Angle double-team AJ. Nice bit where Morgan and Angle try to one-up each other on moves against AJ. Morgan gets a two-count on AJ. Sting hits a huge top rope missile dropkick on Angle. Sting favors his shoulder. Chants of “You’ve still got it!” kick in for Sting. AJ hits the Styles Clash on Angle and gets a two-count, but Morgan kicks AJ to break up the count. AJ counters Morgan’s Hellavator into a DDT, but Sting makes the save for AJ anyway. Sting hits the Scorpion Death Drop on Morgan, but Angle breaks up the count. Sting catches Angle in the Scorpion Death Lock, but Angle counters it into the Scorpion Death Lock. Morgan hits Angle with the Carbon Footprint. Sting jumps off the apron onto Morgan instead of going for the pin on Angle. AJ hits a springboard 450 Splash onto Angle, and gets the win!!! Daniels and the TNA fans join AJ in the ring to celebrate.

Winner (and NEW World Heavyweight Champion): AJ Styles

FINAL THOUGHTS: There will be complaints about this show, because some people will criticize and complain about everything in wrestling, and some people just like to hate on TNA, but most of them will be unjustified. The main event told a fantastic story, and the right guy won. The Knockouts have a proper champion, there are Knockouts tag team champions, and the good on this show far outweighed the bad. When AJ got the win, I shrieked like a hamster and jumped up from the bed and clapped. THAT is what wrestling is supposed to do to fans. Some will doubtless hate the fact that Hernandez got taken out by Eric Young, and essentially wasted his World Heavyweight title shot. I see it differently. Hernandez was annihilating Angle, and has already proven that he belongs in the main event scene. Eric Young will probably be more hated for ruining Hernandez’s title shot chance than anything he has done so far. Hernandez isn’t being pushed back into a pointless feud with Eric Young and World Elite. He’ll still be going for the World title, he just won’t get it right now. Patience, people! It will all be ok.

All in all, I’m much more pleased with this show than I had expected to be. No, I didn’t like everything, and the lack of MCMG is completely unacceptable, but the show wasn’t as bad as people will claim that it is. I’m certainly looking forward to the next three weeks of “Impact,” as there are so many things to play out now.

Check us later, and peace out,


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