“Impact” Impressions 9/10/09
3 CommentsIt’s line-crossing time!!!
It’s line-crossing time!!!
Cross the line!
We open with Matt Morgan and a baseball bat. Morgan wants to smash Kurt Angle’s head in with said bat. Angle and the Main Event Mafia get him in the ring and Angle explains that he didn’t pin Morgan and keep the title on purpose. He just fell on him after thinking that he had hit Sting. They agree to team up and take on Team 3D in a tables match. I was late getting to the show, so I missed most of this.
Match #1: Beer Money vs. The British Invasion: This was a street fight, and a non-title match. I’m still getting caught up, so specific moves are not being detailed right now. Loud chants of “We want tables!” Kendo sticks, trash cans, plastic bags, and both members of Beer Money in street clothes. Berr Money dominates rather well. Storm gets knocked off the ring post, but Roode gets in and puts Brutus Magnus through a trash can and gets the pin for the win. Magnus and Roode were very bloody.
To the back! Lauren interviews the Beautiful People. They sit on their thrones. Madison Rayne has been kicked to the curb, and TBP will get her tonight. Short but awesomely fun promo, as per usual from TBP.
To the back! Cody Deaner and ODB argue loudly over Deaner’s status as Knockouts champion. Foley and JB are talking, but Foley offers to help. Deaner uses Foley’s white board to visually demonstrate that when you make an assumption, you make an ass out of you and umption. Foley says that he will retreat to his inner sanctum, and issue a verdict on the Knockouts champion status next week on “iMPACT.” Abyss comes up and Foley thanks him for his help against Nash at the ppv. Foley gives Abyss a gift. “Is it groceries? I love groceries!” Foley tells Abyss that it isn’t groceries. It is, in fact, a blue flannel. Abyss cries. Foley says that there is no crying in wrestling. Abyss straightens up. Foley and Abyss discuss spilling their own blood. Foley wants his bat back.
Mike Tenay and Taz are the official broadcast team. Don West has been promoted within the merchandising company. Tenay and Taz run down the evening’s card.
Match #2: Madison Rayne vs. Angelina Love: Rayne enters to the Beautiful People’s music, alone and looking scared. Love jumps Rayne from behind and throws her into the barricade. Love manhandles Rayne to the ring. Love pins Rayne in a matter of seconds. Velvet Sky scampers down to the ring. TBP put the boots to Rayne, and give her the Brown Paper Bag treatment. Tara and Christy Hemme run to Rayne’s aid, and TBP bail.
The Motor City Machine Guns bring us all a public service message. Their lack of tv time has made their paychecks smaller. The MCMG are all about three things: Entertaining you, the fans. Getting laid. Getting paid. For $2000 an hour, you can hire their services. They’ll play video games, go see movies, or sit on your couch and do absolutely nothing while you make them dinner. Call now, and they’ll throw in a free Sham-Wow! I’ll continue this real-time when I get back from the bank.
Match #3: Samoa Joe vs. Homicide: X-Division Champion Samoa Joe has a rematch against Homicide from the ppv. Joe’s strikes seem lacking in power. Joe hits a nice snap slam on Homicide, but Homicide kicks out at two. Joe continues to outpower Homicide, but the Notorious 187 refuses to stay down. Homicide uses speed, and takes Joe down, but can’t get the three-count. Joe gets the pin with a muscle buster. Clean win for Joe.
“The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero, totally pimped out, arrives in a chauffeured car.
To the back! Lauren interviews Tara, Christy Hemme, Sarita, and Taylor Wilde are very happy. Next week starts a Knockouts tag team tournament. Tara and Christy will team up, as will Taylor Wilde and Sarita. Tonight is the Four-way dance between Traci Brooks, Awesome Kong, Sarita, and Christy Hemme.
Match #4: Awesome Kong (w/ Raisha Saeed) vs. Traci Brooks (w/ Sharmell) vs. Sarita (w/ Taylor Wilde) vs. Christy Hemme (w/ Tara): This was a four-way singles match. Kong and Sarita start. Kong totally outpowers Sarita. Sarita pulls the ropes and Kong goes over the top and hits the floor. Sarita takes down Traci with a spinning head scissors. Traci and Christy slap at each other. Kong clotheslines Traci on the floor. Sarita flies over the top and takes out Kong. We go to a commercial break. When we return, Christy goes for the FFCLG, but Kong plants her. Christy later hits the FFCLD on Traci, but Kong hits Christy with the Implant Buster. Sarita tries a missile dropkick, but Kong catches her and throws her down. While Kong climbs to the top turnbuckle, Traci rolls over and steals the pin on Christy. Traci gets the win. KONG MAD! KONG SMASH! Kong throws chairs as the remaining Knockouts bail up the ramp.
Consequences Creed (w/ Jay Lethal) is in the ring when we return from a commercial break.
Match #5: “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero vs. Consequences Creed: Lethal is sent to the back by the ref. Pope and Creed exchange arm holds. Creed hits a springboard clothesline, and takes down Pope. Pope returns the favor with a stiff punch. Pope hits a Bronco Buster from behind, sliding through the ropes to the floor. Pope follows up with a barrage of stiff punches and a sleeper hold. Creed fights to his feet. Pope goes for a kick, but Creed catches the foot. Pope is all charisma and flash, a total major league player. Pope pulls down his knee pads and hits Creed with a running double knee to the back. Pope gets the pin and win. Post-match, the lights go out and Suicide’s music plays. Suicide rushes the ring and attacks Pope. Pope bails and looks at Suicide with the Booker T googly eyes. Suicide gestures at Pope with the slice across the throat.
AJ Styles walks toward the ring from backstage.
To the back! Lauren interviews Matt Morgan, asking him if he’s buying what Angle said earlier. Morgan claims that he’s totally buying it because Kurt Angle never lies. He slips up and says Angle will get his “boot” instead of his “back.” Morgan blames his inexperience and nervousness.
To the ring! AJ Styles is in street clothes. He has a mic. The audience chants his name loudly. He says that he’s had it pretty rough for the last few weeks. He always had it rough, but he never quit. He is proud of the man that he has become. More “AJ!” chants. What he isn’t so proud of is losing the Legends title, losing the matches against Matt Morgan, and losing friends like Eric Young and Samoa Joe. He has already missed half the lives of his kids while he’s on the road, and when he is home, he can’t stop being bothered by things like this from work. He yells at his family over petty things because he’s hung up on the work problems. It isn’t worth it. It’s time for AJ Styles to say goodbye to professional wrestling. He loves the TNA fans, and he’s sorry. Sting walks out in street clothes and sunglasses. Loud crowd chants of “Sting!” Sting grabs a mic. He asks AJ if that’s the legacy that AJ really wants to leave after seven years. He says that AJ is saying, “I quit.” He’s quitting on his wife, his kids, the fans, the little kids who want to be him. Sting takes off the glasses and tells AJ that he’s quitting on him too. Right now, AJ is a loser because quitting is what losers do. Does AJ think that Sting hasn’t suffered, both professionally and personally? He hasn’t quit in over twenty years. He wanted to pass the torch to somebody, somebody who could bring honor, dignity, and respect back to the business. He had been talking about AJ the whole time. AJ is, or was, the Chosen One. AJ can either go home and quit, or go in the back, lace up his boots, and claim what is his. AJ is near tears, but he stops, and hugs Sting. Sting says that AJ is supposed to be “The Man,” and tells AJ to come with him. They leave up the ramp together as Taz and Tenay wonder if AJ has really quit or not.
To the back! Lauren asks Hernandez when he plans to cash in his briefcase for a World title shot. Hernandez says that the night he cashes it in will be the night he becomes World Heavyweight Champion. Eric Young interrupts, and tells Hernandez to come talk to him, presumably about joining World Elite.
To the announce table! “The Boss” Bobby Lashley comes to the announce table, and says that next week will be the TNA television debut of TNA President Dixie Carter. She will announce, among other things, Bobby Lashley’s role in TNA. Tenay invites Lashley to stay at the table and join the commentary. He accepts.
Match #6: Team 3D vs. Matt Morgan and Kurt Angle: Team 3D enters first. Matt Morgan enters next. Kurt Angle enters, but makes a beeline for Lashley and attacks him at the announce table. Lashley fights back, but Angle makes it to the ring. This was a tables match. Angle and Brother Ray start. Typical Team 3D tables match, with lots of stiff punches and forearms. Team 3D targets Angle’s neck. Morgan overpowers Devon. Team 3D double-teams Morgan over the ropes, and follow up on Angle. When we return from commercial break, Devon leaps off the rope to deliver the Wazzup. “Get the tables!” Team 3D sets up the tables in the ring. Morgan rolls into the ring and clotheslines Team 3D from behind. Morgan moves a table and gestures for a chokeslam. Morgan chokeslams Devon, but Ray moves the table. Angle tags in. Angle goes after Devon, whose mouth appears to be bleeding. Angle goes for an Angle Slam through a table, but Morgan moves the table just as Devon reverses the move. Morgan rushes at another table with a Carbon Footprint, but breaks the table on his own. The match continues, as no one was put through a table by an opponent. Team 3D dominates, and Ray hits Angle with a super kick on the floor. Ray brings another table from the backstage area. Angle fights off Team 3D alone in the ring. Angle calls Morgan into the ring afterwards. Morgan’s knee is still bad from the bothced kick through the table. Angle orders Morgan to the top rope, but Morgan’s knee can’t handle it. Team 3D grab him on the top rope and throw Morgan through the table. Team 3D wins. Post-match, Angle and Morgan yell at each other.
The End.
It’s line-crossing time!
Your Empress of “Impact” has abbreviated the review format for this week, as the job hunt continues to take precedence over everything else. For a lovely real-time of this week’s show, check here:
Match #1: Brutus Magnus of the British Invasion vs. Brother Ray: This was a “New York Street Fight.” It went to “no contest.” Massive run-ins from both sides, chairs used, and it’s all supposed to be legal, and we get a “no contest.” WTF??? Additionally, there was no build to this at all. Big gimmick matches have been rendered pointless through overuse and lack of hype. If Team 3D was mad at the British Invasion after the doings at “Slammiversary,” have Team 3D cut a promo, go after the British Invasion, and announce a street fight for the following week. Better still, save it for the ppv. But we’re getting to that.
To the ring! It’s Kurt Angle and the Main Event Mafia. Except for Sting. Angle welcomes Joe, calls everyone who didn’t see it coming as “morons,” and makes fun of everyone for getting played by the MEM and Joe. Foley comes out and demands his rematch against Angle. Angle is yelling, screaming, and ranting again. Oh, yay. Angle says that his contract gives him the right to choose who he wrestles. Oh, yay. If Foley wants something from the MEM, he has to give something back. They’ll go to the back and discuss it.
Match #2: Kevin Nash defeats Abyss: Not really. Dr. Stevie came in and used a taser gun on Abyss, allowing Nash to get the win. No Raven. I guess he and Douglas are both through. A real shame, as the Psycho Circus faction is awesome. Nash is terrible. The guy who can barely move and doesn’t sell for crap gets the win over a guy who actually used to be booked as a monster. Looks like happy days are here again. If you’re a former WWE main eventer.
To the ring! Beer Money, your new TNA World Tag Team Champions, hit the ring. They’ll give Team 3D a rematch any time. Scott Steiner and Booker T come out, and inform Beer Money that the MEM runs the show. Again. In return for Foley getting a rematch against Angle at “Victory Road,” the rest of the MEM gets title shots too. Kevin Nash gets a “Legends” title shot against AJ Styles. Steiner and Booker get a tag team title match against Beer Money. Oh, christ on a cracker, that’s just wonderful! James Storm, Promo God, understands what the Steiner Brothers and Harlem Heat have done, but right here and right now in TNA, they’re just another Neal and Bob. They can kneel down and bob on his beer bottle! Yes! Booker tells them that they have singles matches tonight, so they had better get ready for them. Team 3D comes out, and asks if anyone can understand anything that Booker and Steiner are saying. Great Steiner impression by Ray. Team 3D promises to make Foley an offer he can’t refuse in regard to the tag team title match, though Booker and Steiner claim that the match is carved in stone. Are they seriously going to put all the gold on the MEM at “Victory Road?” I really will commit crimes of such violent magnitude that a new mental illness syndrome will be named after me.
Match #3: Taylor Wilde defeats Daffney: This was a “Match of 10,000 Tacks.” Why? Why, why, WHY does TNA feel compelled to waste this in this manner? Daffney and Taylor have a “Monster’s Ball” match at the last ppv, which Daffney lost. They have a mixed tag team “Monster’s Ball” match Sunday night at “Slammiversary,” which Daffney lost. For absolutely no good reason, with zero hype or build, they have a “Match of 10,000 Tacks” that Daffney loses! Aside from completely desensitizing fans to this sort of match and rendering it completely ineffective, what possible good reason is there for the heel crazy chick to lose all these matches? Shouldn’t Taylor Wilde be getting her pretty little backside handed to her?
To the back! Velvet Sky and Madison Rayne sit on their thrones and talk about Tara. Her name is apparently short for “Tarantula,” and they won’t let someone from another organization come in and take the Knockouts title. A real tarantula turns up on Madison Rayne’s shoulder, and shrieking ensues.
To the back! In Mick Foley’s office, Team 3D confront Foley over the tag team title match arrangement. Foley offers them a “Number One Contender” match against Steiner and Booker, with the winners facing Beer Money for the titles at the ppv. Team 3D doesn’t want to until Foley gets on his knees and begs them to take the match. Taken aback, they agree to the match.
Match #4: Scott Steiner defeats Robert Roode: Uh, sure. MEM wins again. Just like old times.
To the back! JB interviews Angle. Angle answers to no one, not even Sting.
To the back! JB chats with Foley, who is all about making up with Jarrett if Jarrett apologizes next week when he shows up. Angle can meet with Foley next week if he is angry about Foley’s “tweaking” of their title match deal.
To the back! Lauren asks Eric Young what’s up. Young refuses to be the court jester, and has learned that there are no friends in this business. Rhino steps up and confronts Young, who headbutts him and leaves. Jesse Neal checks on Rhino, who gets mad at him and shoves him away.
To the back! Lauren asks Booker T about his match, and he insults Team 3D. Sharmell runs up with paperwork in hand, giving her a match against Jenna Morasca at the ppv, because there’s only room for one female in the MEM. Great. A nonwrestling personality and skanky reality tv show winner from 2003 get a ppv wrestling match. The non-WWE part of the roster can’t be happy with this, nor should they be.
Match #5: Booker T defeats James Storm: Uh, sure. MEM wins again. Just like old times. Booker has Sharmell get Storm’s beer bottle, and smashes Storm in the head with it.
To the ring! AJ Styles calls out Samoa Joe and yells at him. He wants to know who is in Joe’s head. Joe says that AJ can ask him himself at “Victory Road.” AJ attacks Joe. Matt Morgan makes the save for Joe and attacks AJ. Daniels makes the save for AJ. The entirety of the Main Event Mafia comes out and takes out all the non-MEM people. Sting comes out with his bat. Sting berates the MEM, and tells Nash that he expected better from him. Nash explains that Sting’s plan of “honor and dignity” for the MEM didn’t work, and Angle’s plan did. They couldn’t beat Joe, so they bought him, and had to have Jenna Morasca’s money to do it. Sting brings up Nash’s son. Sting hands Nash his bat and tells him to hit him, and turns his back. Nash goes for it, but Sting has a second bat and hits Nash first. Sting starts laying out the MEM, but Joe gets one of the bats and beats down Sting. The whole MEM stomps on Sting as the show ends.
FINAL THOUGHTS: If I sound overly negative and hostile toward this week’s show, it’s because I am. Unlike some people, if I didn’t really care about the product, I wouldn’t get upset when things like this show happen. “Slammiversary” was quite well-done, and following it up shouldn’t have been difficult. Did Jarrett and Foley lose their executive power when they failed to win the World Heavyweight title? Why does the MEM run the show and make their own matches? I get the Foley compromise bit, and actually like that part, but we seem to have come back to the “MEM dominates the show and win all their matches, and anything not part of the MEM doesn’t matter” routine. Had there actually been any semblence of a Frontline/Originals group, this might have been ok, with power shifting back and forth, but it all got dropped. Sting is out of the MEM, and certainly is not the Godfather anymore, despite winning a match with that stipulation. Angle is the Godfather again simply because he says that he is. Apparently, match stipulations can be disregarded at will, with no consequences of any kind. As if all that wasn’t bad enough, Chris Sabin wasn’t even on the show. Not even in a short backstage segment. That’s just cruel, TNA! I don’t ask you for much.
Join us next week for more detailed “Impact” Impressions, and hopefully, news of gainful and legal employment!
Peace out,
Drowgoddess