Tag Archive: Jerry Lawler

  1. RYTMAN’S RAW (REAL TIME-ISH, MAYBE?) REPORT

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    Tonight!  I will once again attempt to cover tonight’s WWE RAW broadcast in real time for you, the BWF faithful.

    This is the last RAW before Wrestle-Mania this weekend, and WWE’s last chance to sell us on the Big Show. (Not the one in the six-man, although technically…) No, I mean the ENTIRE EVENT!  Will they convince us to shell out $60-70 bucks in our respective areas this year?

    Personally, I doubt it.

    From WWE.com;  “The Undertaker, Brock Lesnar, WWE Champion The Rock, John Cena, Triple H and CM Punk will all be at tonight’s Raw in Washington. What will unfold with Wrestle-Mania just days away?”

    We’re getting a rundown of what to expect at Mania and what to look forward to tonight.  Shawn Michaels will be here tonight for Triple H.  John Cena responds to the Rock’s shot last week. Punk, Taker, Lesnar and… more stuff.

    Cena’s out first and this is NOT a Cena crowd, here in DC.  Jerry Lawler doesn’t even bother selling it as a “mixed” reaction.  Lawler has Michael Cole and JBL with him at ringside.

    “I stand in the middle of a house divided.” – John Cena

    Rytman Remark: No you don’t John.  They hate you.

    John refers to everyone here tonight as “Cena-crats” and “Rock-publicans.” He gives Rock credit for conquering everything in his path and even goes so far as to call him the greatest WWE champion of all time.  He talks about the pain of his loss last year and how the Rock will lose his custom-made WWE  title in his first defense (of that specific belt.) He will happily keep the new belt just so the Rock will have to live with knowing every time someone brings up WWE, he’ll have to live with knowing someone else is defending that belt every night.

    Cole asks us who we think will win Rock/Cena 2 and invites us all to “Tout” about it on line.  He talks Jerry into posting a “Tout” about who he thinks will win Rock/Cena 2.  Lawler goes with history and chooses Rock.

    3MB is in the ring as Randy Orton, Sheamus, and the Big Show make their entrances.  We get a look at last week’s Smackdown where they were able to fight off an attack by the Shield.

    RANDY ORTON/SHEAMUS/BIG SHOW VS. 3MB (HEATH SLATER/JINDER MAHAL/DREW MCINTYRE)

    Match starts with the faces bouncing around Slater.  McIntyre tags in and takes over with a missile drop-kick.  Sheamus gets triple-teamed for a few moments but the match ends just the way you expected.  RKO, Brogue-Kick, and Big K.O. on Mahal for the three-count.

    After the match, the Shield comes out, cutting a promo from the crowd.  The Shield congratulates our three heroes on their huge win, and convincing themselves they’re a team.  But the Shield knows the truth; they are phonies and at Mania, everyone will believe in the Shield.

    We come back to the announcement of Zeb Coulter getting in the ring tonight against World Heavyweight Champion Alberto Del Rio.  We go to Zeb Coulter and Jack Swagger cutting a promo in front of our Nation’s Capital.  Our country is broken because we all are weak. If we don’t like Swagger as World Heavyweight Champion, then we don’t deserve to be Americans.

    Current WHC Alberto Del Rio responds in an interview segment.  One of the great things about America is freedom of speech, and if Del Rio doesn’t like what Zeb says, he can do something about it.  He will tonight, in the ring.

    WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPION DANIEL BRYAN (W/KANE) VS. DOLPH ZIGGLER (W/AJ & BIG E.)

    This is a fast-paced back/forth with Ziggler on the defensive.  AJ skips around Kane, setting him up for a charge from Big E.  Bryan takes the E down with a flying kick to the head and Ziggler gets the three-count on Bryan w/a handfull of tights.  Big E. nails Bryan and Kane tries to make the save.  Big E. powers out of the choke-slam and lays out Kane with his drop across the shoulder.

    Back from break, we get  a look back at last August when Brock Lesnar took out Shawn Michaels.

    Mr. Wrestle-Mania, HOFamer, and the Heart-Break Kid, SHAWN MICHAELS is here.  He hits the ring as we get a look back at the Lesnar/Triple H feud of last year, with Lesnar breaking Trip’s arm in April, and winning their match at Summer-Slam.

    “You didn’t think we’d have Wrestle-Mania without MR. Wrestle-Mania did you?” – Shawn Michaels

    Shawn is out here to talk about Mania.  He runs down the card, bringing our attention to one particular match, because he and his arm are part of the history in that match.  Triple H comes out to reassure Shawn he knows what he’s doing, and he understands that Shawn was in the same spot Trips was in when Shawn retired.  Shawn says their perdicaments couldn’t be more different.  When Shawn lost his career-match, his opponent was just as heartbroken as him, because they had respect for each other.  Brock Lesnar respects nothing.  Triple H asks Shawn if he’s trying to talk him out of it.  Shawn tells him he’d better kick Lesnar’s ass.  Shawn will be in Triple H’s corner to make sure he does.  They get ready to give the crowd the “suck it,” chant, when Lesnar comes out w/Heyman.  Heyman lays it on the line.  Triple H had better get used to dissapointment.  At Mania, he will disapoint the fans, his best friend, his father-in-law, the board of directors and his wife…

    “…But she’s probably used to that.” – Paul Heyman

    Shawn and Hunter make the mistake of fighting from emotion, and that’s why Shawn had to retire, and that’s why Triple H will lose at Mania.

    WWE INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION WADE BARRETT VS. ZACK RYDER

    Miz joins the announce team at ringside.  Ryder starts off strong, but Barrett takes control and beats him down.  On the outside, Barrett jaw-jacks w/Miz, giving Ryder an opening.  Ryder hits the “brosky-boot” for two, but Barrett takes over and ends this with the Bell-Hammer Elbow.

    Rytman Remark: Announce team spent the whole match trying to hard sell Miz as a threat to Barrett.  Came off pretty desperate.  Maybe Barrett might retain.

    Backstage: RAW Managing Supervisor Vicki Gurerro and her assistant Brad Maddox are talking when Santino Morella walks in, telling them Vince McMahon is here tonight and he’s P-O’d about them.  “Bricki” get freaked, until Santino reveals it was just an “April Fools” joke.  Vicki orders Santino into the ring, as Maddox says we’ll see who the fool is.

    SANTINO MORELLA VS. MARK HENRY AND DO I EVEN HAVE TO BOTHER TYPING ANYTHING?

    We get a look at last week’s Smackdown when Henry attacked Ryback during their weight-lifting challenge.  Cole tells us this did not violate their “no-contact” clause because Henry never touched Ryback, he just tried to shove a set of weights into his throat.

    Rytman Remark: Are you fucking kidding me?

    Mark grabs Santino.  Santino threatens to bring out the Cobr-World’s Strongest Slam, three-count.

    “FEED ME MORE!”

    Ryback is out and in the ring.  Henry reminds him of the no-contact clause, and walks off with a smile.  Ryback responds by picking up Santino AND RAMMING HIM INTO HENRY.  He checks if Santino is okay, THEN HOISTS HIM UP AND GORILLA PRESS-SLAMS HIM ON TO HENRY.  BECAUSE THIS IS WHAT THE “GOOD GUY” DOES!

    We go to break with Jack Swagger giving Zeb a pep-talk before his match with Del Rio

    We come back to Matt Striker asking C.M. Punk if he’s disrespecting Paul Bearer’s memory…

    “A better question is DO I GIVE A DAMN?” – C.M. Punk

    Rytman Remark: I’ve been asking myself the same question.

    Punk actually shocks me for a second with a remark about Paul Bearer’s streak of waking up every morning, which has been broken.   He warns Taker that if he loses his temper, Punk will win by DQ.  If he takes his eyes off the prise, he just might get choked out.  If he loses focus, he just might be down one second too long.  Punk makes it clear all he wants is to win, and he will spit in faces and walk on graves to do it, so that whenever anyone thinks of Wrestle-Mania, the grandest stage of all, they will think of C.M. Punk.

    WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION ALBERTO DEL RIO VS. ZEB COULTER

    Before the break, we saw Swagger breaking the ankle of Ricardo Rodriguez, making this personal.  Ricardo intros ADR and Del Rio sends him to the back to be safe.  Just as the match is starting, Ricardo comes back out, refusing to leave.  Zeb hangs back, close to the ropes as Swagger stalks Ricardo.  Ricardo raises a crutch, but Zeb swipes it.  Swagger goes after the bad ankle, Del Rio kicks him down and saves Ricardo.  Zeb wails on Del Rio with the Crutch when Del Rio rolls back in.  Ref calls for the DQ as Swagger and Zeb beat down ADR with Ricardo’s crutches.  Ricardo tries to get involved but Swagger swats him down.

    Back from break, IF YOU SMELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL……

    The Rock is out to make his big speech to the DC crowd.  Rock’s new movie, G.I. JOE: RETALLIATION is no.1 in the wold this week.  We’re reminded to “Tout” our opinions on who will win at Mania.

    Rock’s connection with the people is the only reason he’s standing in the middle of the ring right now.  This Sunday isn’t about redemption, it’s about the will of the people, specifically the will of the people to see John Cena get curb-stomped.  The will of the people can change the world, and maybe if the people will it, the Rock would have to live in this town, in the big white house up the road, and maybe…

    “We go from President Barack to President Rock!” – The Rock

    Rytman Remark: If that happens, I’m surrendering to China.

    The Rock makes it very clear that the only way Cena will get the Rock’s title, is if the Rock rolls it up into a ball, lights it on fire, and shoves it up Cena’s candy ass.

    Back from break, we get another look at Fandango attacking Jericho last week.

    BREAK THE WALLS DOWN!

    U.S. CHAMPION ANTONIO CESARO VS. CHRIS JERICHO

    Seriously, you can tell they’re just going throught the motions until Fandango comes out.  It’s a basic back and forth with Jericho taking over with a hurra-con-rana off the top rope.  Cue Fandango and partner comming out.  The match comes to a dead stop as we go to break.

    Apparently, during the break, Fandango actually gave Jericho a “two” with a score-card.  Cesaro takes conrtol and spends a lot of time working the neck.  Cesaro dominates Jericho with brute force, but Jericho’s agility turns the tide.  Fandango walks to the ring, giving Jericho a “three.” Cesaro counters Jericho into the gut wrench, but Jericho comes back with high flying offense and takes out Fandango with a flying kick.  Jericho wins this with the “Walls Of Jericho” but Fandango attacks from behind.  He finishes Jericho off with the flying leg drop and gives us all the proper pronounciation of his name.

    “FAHN-DAHN-GOH!” – Fandango

    Jericho is left laying as Fandango and partner dance off.

    Up next is OUR MAIN EVENT…

    A promo…

    From THE UNDERTAKER!

    We come back to Touts.

    Rytman Remark: That’s pretty much all I have to say about it.

    The Funkadactyls are out w/Brodus and “Sweet T” for a Divas tag team match.  They do the entrance and go to break.

    Rytman Remark: You couldn’t just finish the commercials then start the match?

    THE FUNKADACTYLS (w/BRODUS/TENSAI) VS. THE BELLA TWINS  SISTERS (w/TEAM RHODES SCHOLLARS)

    And yes, we will get an eight-person mixed tag at Mania, Brodus, Sweet T, and the Funkadactyls vs. Team Rhodes Schollars and the Bellas.

    Naomi is the star of this match, carrying the workrate and spending most of it getting double-teamed.  The match is not as bad as it should be, but the Bellas are showing the ring rust.  The match consists of botched-spots and really should’ve been booked quicker.  Cameron tags in and comes off as the most capable of the girls.  The Bellas take it with a reversed roll-up as we go to break.

    The Undertaker is out.  Punk’s WWE title reign lasted over 400 days, but the pain he’s facing will last for eternity.  Taker realizes the streak may come to an end, but Punk won’t live to talk about it.  Suddenly, a group of torch-bearing, chanting druids enter.  Taker looks on in confusion.

    OH YES!!!

    PAUL HEYMAN STANDS ON TOP OF THE STAGE DRESSED AS PAUL BEARER!

    An enraged Undertaker goes after Heyman, then stops, realizing he’s been lead into a trap.  Taker unloads on the druids, but gets taken down from behind by the one he was looking for, C.M. Punk.  Punk beats down the Taker.  Taker reaches for the urn, but Punk has it, and uses it to beat the deadman down.

    Punk stands over the Taker, holding the urn.  He opens the urn… and pours the ashes inside all over the Taker.  He lets them spill through his fingers and throws them in Takers face.  RAW ends with C.M. Punk mocking the Undertakers classic pose, as the Taker lies beaten on the ramp.

    Rytman Remarks: Wow, I mean wow.  I was going to say this RAW was another auto-pilot show coasting into Mania until the end. 

    Now look, I know those weren’t Paul Bearer’s actual ashes.  I know it was part of the act.  It’s just… I think it was too much.  It just took me somewhere really uncomfortable.

    To be fair, they HAD to do something to get this show some momentum, but still, it just seems desperate. 

    I really do hope it pays off.

  2. Smackdown 03/29/13

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    You would have thought that the WWE would have promoted the fact that the Rock was appearing on Smackdown tonight. Nope. They kind of forgot to do that. Yet they spoil other outcomes on the same program on their website. Weird. I mean it’s Smackdown, it’s not like we’re getting a surprise return or anything either… right? Something about hopping time.
    (more…)

  3. RYTMAN’S RAW RECAP 03/25/2013

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    Okay, again this week, just a general run down of the show with some of my humble opinions.

    First up, match results

    CHRIS JERICHO DEF. DOLPH ZIGGLER W/AJ LEE & BIG E. – This match-up was booked as a card-change, as Fandango made his way to the ring for what was supposed to be his fifth or sixth “debut” but got beat-down/ran-off by an angry Jericho.  Ziggler made his way out with his entourage as the announcers (Michael Cole/Jerry Lawler) told us this match was scheduled for later tonight.  Jericho gets the win by submission with the walls of Jericho, but gets beat down by Big E. Langston.  Fandango comes back out with his dance partner (the first girl to get a call-back) and picks the bones of Big E’s kill, landing a flying leg drop on Jericho’s neck.

    MARK HENRY DEF. THE USOS – The Usos actually got in enough offense with their double-teaming to get a splash off the top rope for a two-count on Henry, but the match ends with Henry scoring a World’s Strongest Slam and getting the three-count.  After the match, Henry brutalizes both brothers, making it clear he did not appreciate getting splashed.

    U.S. CHAMPION ANTONIO CESARO DEF. WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION ALBERTO DEL RIO (COUNT OUT) – Ricardo Rodriguez hobbles out on his crutches to introduce Del Rio.  The intro falls flat, although I think it was on purpose to help sell what bad shape he’s in.  The match is just a formality as both men go through the motions for about five minutes before Zeb Coulter comes out.  Ricardo tries to move away, but from out of nowhere Jack Swagger grabs him, and drags him by the bad ankle over to the guard rail.  Del Rio abandons his match to fight off Swagger and Cesaro gets the win by count-out.  Del Rio takes his anger out on Cesaro with the cross-arm breaker.

    WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS TEAM HELL NO (KANE/DANEL BRYAN) DEF. THE PRIME TIME PLAYERS (TITUS O’NEAL/DARREN YOUNG)- “Pancake” Patterson is given one mention and then quietly swept under the rug.  Match is just a warm-up for the champions.  Ziggler and crew show up on the stage to distract the champs and give the PTP’s an opening, but the match ends with Kane choke-slamming Young for the three count.

    THE MIZ DEF. WWE INTERCONTINENTAL WADE BARRETT – Before the match, Triple H came out to do cut a promo about his Wrestlemania match with Brock Lesnar.  When Barrett comes out, he blocks Triple H’s way, and demands he step aside.  Trips responds with a kick to the crotch.  Miz comes out while Barrett is still recuperating.  During the match, Barrett’s crotch briefly becomes the focal point of the match.  Barrett crotches himself on the top rope with a missed kick and Miz gets the win with the figure-four submission.

    THE SHIELD DEF. KHALI, RYDER, GABRIEL – To my knowledge, this is only the third actual match the Shield have officially wrestled in.  The Shield wins this with a flying knee-drop to Justin Gabriel, trapped in a “Bow and arrow” hold.  After the match, Khali takes a “Shield-Bomb.” Orton comes to the ring with Sheamus, and the Big Show comes up from behind, trapping the Shield.  We get a brief fight before the Shield retreat.

    TEAM RHODES SCHOLARS DEF BRODUS/TENSAI – Do you honestly care?  This match is barley more than a pretense for a cat-fight between the Funkadactyls and the Bella Twins.  Team Rhodes Scholars get the win by three-count during the confusion.

    RYBACK DEF. 3MB – This was Ryback’s effort to show-up Henry that almost back-fired.  The Three Man Band actually take control of the match using their numbers advantage, but it ends with Ryback getting two men up for the “Shell-Shock” and a three-count.

    AJ LEE DEF. WWE DIVAS CHAMPION KAITLYN – This match was set up during a backstage segment, where Bryan and Kane were arguing over which of them was still hung up on AJ.  Kaitlyn interjected, trying to get them both to let it go, while running off a list of nasty things to say about AJ, who just happened to be eavesdropping on them.  Now here’s the interesting thing.  AJ sends Kaitlyn head-first into a drinking fountain, or so it seemed.  Kaitlyn sold it as making contact but their was NO sound effect to indicate Kaitlyn hit the fountain.  Kaitlyn comes out to the ring holding her head, and when the bell rings, Kaitlyn goes to town on AJ, dominating the match and getting in all of the offence.  AJ rolls out of the ring, and Kaitlyn goes after her.  Kaitlyn tries a spear, but AJ side-steps her into the guard-rail, head first.  AJ gets a count-out victory, and maybe a title shot at Mania.  Kaitlyn gets a possible head-trauma gimmick.

    So let’s look at the rest of the show.

    C.M. Punk opens the show with a game of toss with the urn, and a promo that starts off by dumping on the Undertaker and his legacy.  He even goes so far as to imply the streak is only important to him as something to break.  He tries to mock the Takers classic pose, but the lights go out and when they come back, Taker is wailing on Punk.  Punk and Heyman run off with the urn.  Seemed a bit odd to me as the first half of Punk’s promo seemed to be Punk trying to convince us that this match wasn’t as important as we might feel it was.

    Sheamus gets jumped by the Shield, during an interview about whether or not he and Orton can get along with Big Show, during their Mania six-man.  Orton comes after them with a chair, but he gets overwhelmed by numbers.  Big Show makes the save and runs off the Shield.

    Now here, I gotta go into weird territory.  If you’re a long time wrestling fan, you’l probably have some idea of what I’m saying here.  Booking Show to come to the rescue seems a little heavy-handed to me.  It’s like WWE is trying too hard to sell us on Show’s face-turn, which is par for the course with pro wrestling in general.  Even if you’re among the youngest fans, you still can’t help but notice how it’s always Show that turns the tide when Orton/Sheamus gets jumped by the Shield.  So I have to ask myself, is this just the same sloppy TV writing wrestling has always suffered from?  Or is WWE trying to swerve me?  I’m thinking maybe they want me to watch for a double-cross by Big Show so that they can swerve me with one by Orton…or Sheamus.  I know Orton’s more likely, what with him reportedly wanting a heel-turn, but you know how wrestling-sorry “sports entertainment” likes illogical swerves.

    Triple H cuts a promo on Brock Lesnar, about how if you don’t expect him to end your career, you’ve already lost.  He makes it clear that he is coming to kick Lesnar’s ass.

    Very generic promo, giving no sense that Trips was seriously concerned that his career was over.  That might’ve been the plan, so that we’re actually surprised if he loses. (Which, if he does, we will be, just not for THAT reason.) And why did he have to bitch-out Wade Barrett on his way out?  (See above.)

    The show ended with an elaborate Q&A with John Cena and WWE champion The Rock, featuring WWE Hall Of Fame members Booker T, Brett Hart, Dusty Rhodes and Mick Foley.  The panel lobs softball questions and both men give big, impassioned speeches about how/why they will win at Mania.  Cena compares himself to Donavon McNabb, the Rock tells the story of how he had to get his first mattress out of a dumpster behind a motel.  Cena blames his loss to Rock last year, on his letting Rock into his head.  Cena tried to finish off Rock in Rock’s home-town, with his own version of “the peoples elbow.” Allowing Rock to catch him in a rock-bottom and getting the three.  Rock borrows a quote from Ric Flair, “To be the man-woo-you must beat the man,” and between the two of them, Cena will never be “the man.”

    I’m sorry to say this but I was underwhelmed.  No new ground covered here, except for maybe when Cena “revealed” why he lost last year.  I’m not a fan of “sports entertainment” trying to go into “deep, psychological,” story-lines, and I’m not moved by Cena’s need for redemption.

    Overall, a pretty “meh” RAW.  It did what it was supposed to do, advance the angles going into Wrestlemania, but it still felt like an auto-pilot show.  That’s not always bad, but not the speed you want going into the biggest PPV of the year.

     

     

  5. Smackdown 03/15/13: You Probably Should’ve Watched This Episode, Jerk.

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    Step 1: Steal a time machine
    Step 2: Go back to the 1980’s and find yourself a Pogoball
    Step 3: It’s hopping time, motherfuckers.

    [youtube tgYzHV7Ftqc]

    Let’s do this shit.

    (more…)

  6. Smackdown 03/08/13

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    Long week, and kind of a sad one. But no need to divulge in that crap, since Smackdown is on… and frankly, I’m tired and thereby, lazy. So grab some industrial sized springs, yeah those ones with the sharp ends. Jam them into the soles of your feet and proceed to turn them into your foot until they come out of the top because it’s hopping time!


    …or flippy floppy time?

    Yawn.

    (more…)

  7. Remembering Paul Bearer

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    Today I read the news: Paul Bearer passed away. I remember when I first started watching wrestling was just before Wrestlemania XII. And one of the most unique characters of that time was Paul Bearer. I was a huge Undertaker fan and still am. Out of the wrestlers I mark out for the most-Piper, Double-A, Terry Funk, Tommy Dreamer-few of them compare to the mark-out feeling I get when I see the Undertaker. The Undertaker was unique. He had one of the greatest ring presences to ever grace our screens, with respect to Flair. And when it came to aura and mystique, there were few who could touch The Undertaker, if anyone.

    So why am I talking about The Undertaker when I’m reflecting on the Life of Paul Bearer? Well, it was hard to separate the two. As imposing and terrifying as the Undertaker was, Paul Bearer was the other half of him. You could not have had the Phenom Undertaker without Paul Bearer in his early days. They tried with Brother Love, but the character just missed something in the early days. It wasn’t until Paul Bearer became part of the Undertaker’s character that the character clicked. Eventually the time came for Paul to break away and the Undertaker soared, but without Paul, I’m not sure we would have seen the Undertaker we have now.

    One thing that stands out to me is how Paul was able to take anything, no matter how awful and make it into something good. Let’s face it. The Impostor Undertaker storyline in ’94 is one of the cheesiest things I’ve ever seen in wrestling. (And I’ve lived through Katie Vick, Kane-Shane McMahon and The Giant falling off Cobo Hall yet winning the world title.) Yet with all the players involved-Ted DiBiase, Brian Lee, The Undertaker & Paul Bearer-they made my inner kid believe in everything going on. Take the Kane storyline. Out of nowhere Paul Bearer was revealed to be the father. As preposterous as that sounded, through that interview with Jerry Lawler where they didn’t know the camera was running, he put together all the pieces. There was his return in the mid-2000’s that caused him to be buried alive in concrete by the Undertaker himself. With respect to all involved, there wasn’t anyone who could salvage that.

    The Undertaker and Paul Bearer were something special. How many times has the WWE tried the supernatural thing since then to little or no success? Mordecai? The Boogeyman? Kevin Thorn the Vampire? Countless other names I can’t remember because of their failure? Due to the stage presences of both men, they were able to make this something special and make countless dollars off this.

    There were so many great memories from him. There was the aforementioned Impostor Undertaker storyline. There was the feud with Diesel where Diesel did the unthinkable. He put his hands on Paul Bearer. That was back in ’96 when things still mattered. There was the Paul Bearer turn that broke my heart for a long time. Kane didn’t have much of a shelf life. Paul helped to give him fuel that kept him around today. There was the surprise appearance at Wrestlemania XX, where I remember marking out like a little kid for seeing him again. In 2010, Undertaker once again feuded with Kane. I remember seeing turning to Smackdown (which is something I never do), and I waited for him to appear from the casket. I was like a little kid watching him over and over again.

    He had so many signatures. There was the “Ohhhhhh, yyyeeeeeeesssssssss” he was so famous for. I still do that. It’s not at the same level as “Brother” or “What?” but it’s still pretty impactful. When I was telling my wife he had passed away this morning, I described him as the “Oh, yes” guy. (And yes, I did it in his voice, or my feeble attempt at his voice.) I still remember how he would say, “The urn.” Any time I hear the word urn, I immediately think about him. And that voice was so eerie and so spooky. With respect to the Macho Man, it was probably one of the most recognizable voices of his time.

    I never had the chance to meet Paul Bearer. I swear I had to have seen him live a time or two. (My first ever then-WWF show had a Kane appearance that must have been around Badd Blood ’97, so I think Bearer was there. It was just a long view from where I was.) I used to follow him on Facebook and after the birth of a grandchild, there were comments congratulating him and wishing him well. He took the time to like every one’s comments, including mine. I know it may have been little, but I thought it was pretty awesome. In the pre-Attitude era and in the Attitude era, there were fewer personalities who made a bigger impact. Brother Bearer, Uncle Paul, Mr. Pringle, thank you for your time on this Earth.

  8. RYTMANS RAW RECAP (RAW 03/04/2013)

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    Tonight is a special “OLD SCHOOL” edition of RAW, opening with the classic “The recognized symbol of excellence in sports entertainment,” graphic.

    We are in Buffalo, NY at the first Niagara Center on a cold windy night, and the first thing we see is THE UNDERTAKER making an entrance. He stands on stage, raises his arms, and summons forth the WRESTLEMANIA logo. Mean Gene welcomes us to RAW w/a voice over and a montage of classic moments.

    From there we go to the classic RAW opening theme w/sirens and montage. Jerry Lawler and Michael Cole are here to welcome us, Cole in an ugly mustard-yellow jacket and Lawler in the Red w/matching crown, as C.M. Punk makes his way to the ring w/Paul Heyman at his side.

    Punk blames the fans for him not headlining Wrestlemania and for his not being champion.  He says there’s no purpose or point in being at Wrestlemania, until he saw Undertaker.  Punk says we stole from him and now he’ll steal from us by beating the Streak.

    Randy Orton is out next, mentioning his win over Punk at Wrestlemania and getting “this close,” to beating Taker 8 years ago as a rookie, now he’s the most dangerous man in the locker-room and asks the fans who they would like to see face Taker at Mania, Punk or Orton?

    Cue Big Show.  He faced the Taker at a Wrestlemania but back then he didn’t have his big right hand punch.  He makes a claim to the streak.

    Cue Sheamus.  He’s the only one who’s never faced or lost to the Undertaker.  It’s going to take more to break the Streak.  It’s gonna take a big foot, all the heart in the world, and a little bit of luck.  Sheamus thinks it’s possible with the luck of the Irish on his side.

    Vicki Gurrero is out. As RAW managing Supervisor, she decides to make tonight’s main event a 4-way for a shot at the Undertaker at Mania, giving the winner a chance to cement their legacy.

    Tonight-Point/Counterpoint w/Rock and Cena, Triple H addresses Brock Lesnar, and Ryback faces Antonio Cesaro NEXT!

    Rytman Remark: It took Big Show 20 years to figure out how to make a fist?  

    We come back to Cole and King offering us the chance to “Tout” about who we think Taker should face.

    U.S. CHAMPION ANTONIO CESARO VS RYBACK

    We go to an old school Picture-in-picture promo with Antonio Cesaro.  He speaks five different languages fluently while Ryback, like most of us can barely speak one, NEANDERTHAL!  He follows up with a rant in Swiss.

    FEED ME MORE!

    Ryback makes his entrance as #old school raw trends worldwide.  So far the theme is Cesaro trying to be aggressive and getting bounced around the ring, but a big boot to the face puts Cesaro in control as we go to…

    BREAK

    Cesaro is in control as we come back.  Cesaro put up a strong fight but the match ends with Ryback reversing a Neutralizer attempt into the Shell-shock for a three-count.

    WINNER: RYBACK

    Rytman remark: Would be nice for Ryback to remember to put in a bid for the U.S. title.  Then again it would be nice if ANYONE remembers to put in a bid for the U.S. title.

    The World’s Strongest Man, Mark Henry comes out for his match.  There’s a stare-down with Ryback as he goes to the ring.

    MARK HENRY VS ZACK RYDER

    Apparently, WWE Sat. Morning Slam is looking for its own GM, and will continue the search this Saturday.  Ryder, who wants the job, goes after Henry quickly and – briefly – actually puts up a decent fight before taking the World’s Strongest Slam.

    WINNER: MARK HENRY

    Tonight – fatal 4-way for the chance to challenge the Undertaker and the debut of FAHN-DAHN-GHOOOO!

    And Dolph Ziggler, w/AJ and Big E. faces the Miz, next.

    Rytman Remark: Saturday Morning Slam needs a GM because apparently WWE superstars can’t be trusted to act like wrestlers for half an hour LIKE THEY’VE DONE FOR ABOUT A YEAR!

    BREAK

    We come back with Miz and Dolph in the ring.  Miz gets the mike (which doesn’t work) and introduces RIC FLAIR!

    DOLPH ZIGGLER w/AJ AND BIG E. VS THE MIZ w/RIC FLAIR

    Cole claims this makes the odds “more even,” with Flair out to neutralize things.  Ziggler takes it right to Miz but is too concerned with mocking Flair, and winds up getting walloped.  Kick to the face puts Ziggler outside the ring while Flair and Miz both do the strut.

    BREAK

    Dolph is in control when we come back.  We’re reminded that Dolph will face World Heavyweight Champion Alberto Del Rio on this week’s Smackdown and possibly FAHN-DAHN-GHOO will make his debut tonight.  Miz fights back, gets a near-fall.  Dolph tries a small package and Miz clips the knee.  Dolph fights back w/the leaping DDT and a sleeper.  Miz gets free and hits a few spots before AJ climbs up on the ring.  The Ref is distracted and Big E. clocks Miz.  Flair whips his jacket in Big E’s face and chops him to no effect.  Miz gets a kick to Big E’s head.  Ziggler tries a roll-up, Miz kicks out, and catches Ziggler’s drop-kick attempt.  Miz wins it w/a figure four for the submission.

    WINNER: THE MIZ

    Cole and King push the WWE magazine – now with multiple collectors’ edition covers.

    Rock/Cena, Point/Counterpoint next

    BREAK

    IF YA SMELL…

    WWE champion THE ROCK is in the building tonight!  Rock makes his way out as #old school raw trends worldwide.  Rock tells the crowd about how he just got in from Central America – 95 degrees every single day – and a woman at the airport tried to get him to wear a jacket.  Rock said he had enough electricity in his body to melt anything made of ice.  Then he got off the plane here…

    “Sweet Harlem Shakin’ Honey Booboo it’s colllllllllld out here!” – The Rock

    Rock mentions icicles on the “peoples’ nipples,” and after ten long years… FINALY, THE ROCK HAS COME BACK TO BUFFALO!  Rock mentions we are 34 days away from Wrestlemania… and John Cena takes that as a cue.  On the mike, Cena gives Rock credit for all his conquests.

    “You don’t know what it’s like…to tell the world… you have to do something, and then fail.” – John Cena

    John feels worthless because he needed to win and failed.  The crowd starts a “Cena sucks,” chance.  John talks about Rock being responsible for his collapse and turn-around.  It’s not just coincidence that Cena wins the Rumble the same night Rock won the title, and that he FINALLY beat Punk last week.  It’s a chance at redemption and rewriting history.  This is his second chance and Rock is getting a 34 day heads up.

    “I am not throwing this chance away.” – Cena

    Rock is happy to see that fire and desire in Cena, because Cena is the one man he wanted to face at Mania.  Rock knows what this means to him, the salute, kissing the dog tags with his family’s names on them, his will to win, no one has that… except the Rock.  Rock goes on about the connection he has with the fans in the arena, at home, all over and tells Cena…

    “You ain’t getting redemption Jack, you getting your ass kicked.” – The Rock

    Cena responds with a quote by the great philosopher Mike Tyson, (not the one about eating children…)

    “In order to be the greatest that ever lived, you have to beat everyone living.” Mike Tyson (as quoted by John Cena.)

    Cena will do just that, and at Wrestlemania Rock’s time is up, Cena’s time is now.

    Rock retorts with a quote of his own…

    “Winning is about heart, you just gotta have it in the right place.” – Lance Armstrong (as quoted by the Rock.)

    “He was full of crap and so are you.” – The Rock

    In 34 days, history will not repeat itself, and John Cena will become WWE champion.

    Cena has just crystallized everything about their rivalry.  Cena thinks he can beat Rock, Rock KNOWS he can beat Cena.  Rock leaves promising he will beat Cena again, if you smell, what the Rock is cooking.

    Fatal 4-way later tonight

    BREAK

    Tonight, Triple H Addresses Lesnar, Cole and King give us another look at the Taker’s appearance earlier tonight.

    Jack Swagger is in the Ring w/Zeb Coulter as HACKSAW JIM DUGGAN makes his way to the ring WITH SGT. SLAUGHTER AND DUSTY RHODES!

    JACK SWAGGER VS HACKSAW JIM DU-

    Wait-a-minute, Swagger has Duggan’s 2 x 4, and uses it beat down (not off) all the legends.  Slaughter and Dusty are left lying while Swagger locks in the Patriot Act on Duggan’s ankle.  Swagger leaves a pile of broken men behind him.

    NO CONTEST

    Rytman Remark: The six-man team I always wanted, 20 years after the fact.

    We get a quick look at “Marine 3,” staring the Miz, and Team Hell No face the Prime Time Players next.

    BREAK

    We get another reminder of the 4-way main event tonight, and Alberto Del Rio jumps Jack Swagger during an interview.

    WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS TEAM HELL NO (KANE/DANIEL BRYAN) VS THE PRIME TIME PLAYERS (TITUS O’NEAL/DARRIEN YOUNG.)

    The Million Dollar Man, Ted DiBiase is in the PTP corner as a special guest, and potential manager (maybe) for the PTP’s.

    Basic tag without a lot of shenanigans; Bryan looks strong against O’Neal, but is soon overwhelmed by double teaming.  Kane tags in and takes over on Young.  Bryan tricks O’Neal over the ropes and out of the ring.  While Bryan scores a flying knee, Kane ends it with a choke-slam on Young for three.

    WINNERS: TEAM HELL NO!

    DiBiase spots Young a $100, stuffing the bill in his mouth.  Bryan waits until no-one’s looking, and swipes it out of Young’s mouth.

    Backstage, it looks like a legend is returning to Shake, Rattle, and Roll RAW tonight!

    Rytman Remark: Hey, Bryan’s not the idiot tonight.  Nice change of pace.  Also, HONKY TONK MAN!!! HONKY TONK MAN!!! HONKY TONK MAN!!!  

    BREAK

    We’re back with the Funkadactyls leading Brodus Clay and “Sweet T” to the ring.  We get some dancing and the announcer introduces THE GREATEST INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION OF ALL TIME! THE HONKY TONK MAN!  Cole and King mention this is the city where Honky beat Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat for the I-C title.

    Honky is about to address the crowd when Heath Slater swipes the mike from him.  Slater runs him down saying…

    “You need to go back to Las Vegas w/all the other Elvis impersonators.” – Heath Slater

    BRODUS CLAY/TENSAI VS 3MB (HEATH SLATER/DREW MCINTYRE)

    The time you took to read this is just about all the time Tensai needed to roll up Drew for a three count.

    WINNERS: CLAY/TENSAI (SWEET T)

    HTM’s back in the ring to start the party, but Slater’s back in his face.  Slater takes the guitar shot and we get back to the dancing.

    FAHN-DAAAHN-GOH makes his debut against Kofi Kingston next!

    BREAK

    We come back to a look at Wade Barrett in L.A. last weekend for the premier of “Dead Man Down,” a new action thriller starring Clive Owen, in which he has a bit part.

    Kofi Kingston is in the ring and announcer Justin Roberts introduces FAHN-DAAHN-GO!

    Up on stage, we have a lovely little ballroom dancer doing a few steps as…he comes out.  FAHN-screw it Fandango calls Robert’s pronouncing “inappropriate,” and makes him try again.  After this waste of everyone’s time; Fanny refuses to debut until someone gets his name right.

    “Tonight was the night that you ALMOST got to see the debut of… FAAAAAAAAHN-DAAAAAN-GHO.” – Fandango.

    BREAK

    We return to a replay of last week’s Heyman/McMahon “fight” that became the Triple H/Brock Lesnar fight.

    After that, it’s time to play the game…

    “TIME TO PLAY THE GAME!” – Lenny (Motorhead)

    WWE Chief Operations Officer Hunter Hearst Helmsly – Triple H is out of the back and in the ring.  Last time he stood in the ring, it was 8 days after losing to, and getting his arm broken for the second time by, Brock Lesnar at Summer-Slam.  As soon as the cast was off, he was back in the gym, with no real goal.  He went back to the day job, put on the suit, got a haircut, started training, and got into the best shape in years, waiting for a reason.  After Lesnar put Vince – the “crazy old man” – in a hospital bed, after the hip surgery, put aside all Vince has done and the entire family crying their eyes out, Hunter smiled inside.

    He had his reason, and he was ready.  Lesnar thought they were done?

    “Reach up on top of your head and feel those 12 staples, and you know we’re just getting started.” – Triple H

    He calls Lesnar out, making reference to the cut on his head where he split Lesnar wide open, letting him know that the Ass-Kicker, the King of Kings, The GAME is back.

    “Are you gonna show up and fight, or are you gonna sit there and bleed?” – Triple H

    Fatal 4-way tonight

    BREAK

    We come back to a WWE rewind of Randy Orton vs. The Big Show last Friday on Smackdown.  The match ends with run-ins by the Shield and Sheamus, and the Show clocking Reigns with the KO.

    We go to a promo by the Shield.  Everyone wants to make history and face the Undertaker at Wrestlemania, but in case you’ve forgotten, the Shield has yet to be beaten.  The Eye of Justice is watching everybody, including the Big Show.  Show got in one cheap shot.  It won’t happen again.

    Believe in the Shield.

    WWE Intercontinental Champion Wade Barrett is in the ring and Justin Roberts introduces Alberto Del Rio’s personal ring announcer Ricardo Rodriguez, who introduces World Heavyweight Champion ALBERTOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO DEL RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIO!

    WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION ALBERTO DEL RIO VS WWE INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION WADE BARRETT

    Swagger and Coulter make their way out to the stage during the match.  Barrett’s brawn and brawling batter down… Berto, while Alberto agitates his adversary with agility.  Every time one man makes a mistake, the other takes over.  Del Rio wins it with a cross-arm-breaker by submission, and stares down Swagger from the ring.

    WINNER: ALBERTO DEL RIO

    Del Rio faces Ziggler at Smackdown this Friday and Fatal 4-way tonight

    Rytman Remark: WE GET IT! THERE’S A FOUR-WAY MAIN EVENT FOR THE RIGHT TO FACE THE UNDERTAKER AT WRESTLEMANIA! WE BELIVE YOU!

    BREAK

    We come back to a disclaimer, saying that the views expressed in the following video are those of Jack Swagger and Zeb Coulter.

    There was a time when if someone came into your house uninvited and stole something, they would call you a thief.  They wouldn’t call you prejudiced.  Real Americans refuse to use politically correct language, because they tell it like it is.  That’s what being a real American is about.  There will always be a group of people to tell it like it is.  WE THE PEOPLE!

    OH YOU DIDN’T KNOW!?

    I THINK YOU BETTER CALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL SOMEBODYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

    It’s the D-o-double-g!  With the Bad B-A-double crooked letter Billy Gun, telling all the parents to lean down to their kids and tell them they’re the guys who…

    “Wear your granddad’s clothes… we look incredible,” – Road Dogg  

    THE NEW AGE OUTLAWS VS PRIMO/EPICO WITH ROSA

    This is the first match on RAW in 13 years for the outlaws.  Team mo/co gets in a lot of double teaming on Road Dogg, but Billy picks up the win for his team w/the fame-asser.

    WINNERS: THE NEW AGE OUTLAWS!

    After the match, we get another look at the Rock/Cena promo and a tweet from Stephanie McMahon.

    “Brock, it’s time to play the game.” Stephanie McMahon – (via Twitter.)

    BREAK

    We come back to Lawler commenting on his and Coles outfits.

    “You look like mustard, I look like Ketchup, makes me want a hot dog” – Lawler

    We get some Touts from the WWE universe, regarding who should get Taker at Mania.

    Rytman Remark: These guys don’t look like the usual toothless morons that take wrestling seriously.  I’m thinking if they’re not plants, they’re playing along in order to get on TV.

    A dozen or so Superstars are up on stage with a table full of birthday cakes whishing Mae Young a happy 90th birthday.  Mean Gene Oakerlund M.C.’s the festivities as the Divas bring out Mae.  Everybody just starts “happy birthday,” when Punk’s music hits.  Punk and Heyman strut through the party, on their way to the ring, pissing everyone off.  Punk is in the ring as we…

    BREAK

    Rytman Remark: It’s their own fault for having the party on the main stage right before the main event.

    We come back to a promo for Mania.  Big Show, Orton, and Sheamus all make their entrances.

    MAIN EVENT: FATAL 4-WAY – WINNER FACES UNDERTAKER AT WRESTLEMANIA- C.M. PUNK VS BIG SHOW VS RANDY ORTON VS SHEAMUS

    No one wants to start with Big Show.  Orton and Sheamus chase Punk into the ring.  Show makes quick work of him.  Show takes out Sheamus, Orton fakes out Show, Orton and Sheamus face off with Punk trying to steal a pin when one of them goes down.  Sheamus catches Punk and bum-rushes him w/Orton’s help.  Show back in, takes them both down.  Show stands alone as we go to…

    BREAK

    When we come back, the pattern is quickly established.  We get two guys one-on-one, and when one is down/out another steps in.  Show takes over with a KO to Punk.  It becomes Sheamus on Show with Orton in and out.  Show misses the KO on Sheamus.  Sheamus hits the Brogue kick on Show.  Orton gets the RKO on Sheamus, AND PUNK GETS THE GTS ON ORTON FOR THE WIN!

    WINNER: C.M. PUNK

    RAW ends with the Undertaker on the stage, staring down Punk.

  9. Smackdown 03/01/13. We’re Marching Through Georgia… (G-G-G-Georgia. I don’t give a damn where they are tonight, I love that Pavement song).

    Leave a Comment

    Never underestimate The “Unseen Power Of The Picket Fence”. Alice of RWR knows what I’m talking about. So does J.T., Joe, and Jorge of BWF Radio. We’ll see you on Sunday for the podcast. Maybe even Alice will show up and make Jorge laugh? Until then, I decided to continue my streak of abusing my psycological well being and review another episode of The Mediocre Khali Show. Sigh. That dude ain’t hopping. He has no knees, like Kevin Nash, nor legs like Zack Gowan, nor feet like Kamala. But all of those dude’s collected a paycheck at least. I never did. Hopping time, jerks.

    [youtube 0DvVYwXqFEE]
    Here at BWF, you have No Alernative. You’ll find this track there too. Ask your buddy Google to explain. Look up Benoit, Cobain, Man on the Moon, REM, Kaufman, and Pavement. None of it will make any sense to you, but it does to me. And that’s how, I roll. One more match. Tell Google, G sent you.
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  10. Smackdown 02/22/13: Wednesday Drivers!

    3 Comments

    Obviously with Jack Swagger getting a DUI for smoking marijuana and driving erratically on Wednesday, the impact of said offense will not be reflected on tonight’s Smackdown. It will, however, leave one to speculate on whether this is the last time we see Jack Swagger and Zeb… potentially ever. So let’s all put on our favorite racist singlets and plop down to watch a possible Swan Song of Swaggler.


    Admit it. This would be fun.

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