Smackdown 02/22/13: Wednesday Drivers!By G · · 3 Comments
Obviously with Jack Swagger getting a DUI for smoking marijuana and driving erratically on Wednesday, the impact of said offense will not be reflected on tonight’s Smackdown. It will, however, leave one to speculate on whether this is the last time we see Jack Swagger and Zeb… potentially ever. So let’s all put on our favorite racist singlets and plop down to watch a possible Swan Song of Swaggler.
Admit it. This would be fun.
I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s Smackdown reviews work. This is not a play-by-play recap, there’s enough of those online. This is a highly-opinionated take of the show in question.
– High School Gym P.A. Announcer (I think it’s the lunch lady), tells us about how Alvin Dat Rio tore off Large Performance’s prosthetic arm at the Education Classroom PPV, and that Sanitary “Rick” Martel had debuted threatening to open the borders to all-comers for his personal assistant Jake Swashbuckler. The we’re shown clips of Iraq defending his title and debuted a brand new collection of tupperwear that one can poop in for fecal samples to determine whether you have ring rats. We’re on the bike path to GrappleInsanity, folks, so Jonathon Coachman is back and challenging Iraq for some of those poop samples.
This is what happens when Giant Bernard leaves NJPW.(
– Everyone’s favorite, Ric-Rod, announces the entrance of Alberto Del Rio to come out and gloat about still not having pinned Big Show. ADR addresses the raving racist commentary of Zeb and Swagger on immigrants. He’s seen the videos and points out that the country was settled by hard working immigrants, and today’s immigrants are no different. He neglects to mention anything about the people that were in North American before the English and French came, the Iroquois Confederacy, infected blankets, or Manifest Destiny. Nor does he address slavery and abductions of people from Africa. But I still forgive him, but I’m just saying.
– Out comes Randall Keith Orton, and claims that something was taken from him in the EC PPV. That would be the opportunity to face ADR at WrestleMania. He claims he would have done the same thing to Swagger, and wants to take out his aggression on Swagger tonight. He asks Del Rio to step aside, and he is willing to fight him too. Honey Book Book T is out, and has other plans, playah. No, not a tag team match, holla. He books Del Rio to face Wade Barrett and Orton to face Jack Swagger. Then they all do copious amounts of illicit narcotics and choose to drive all over the road. Ok, I’m done with the obvious shit… I think.
There’s only one person to blame for this whole Swagger thing…
– * SheerMouse vs. Damien Sandow. Unmixed Strawberry Yogurt gets quite a reception, but fuck him. It’s time to hear the Genius:
SILENCE THE MUSIC! I AM ABOUT TO SPEAK.
Tonight, you will all bear witness to a monumental occasion
The Destruction of your false idle, Arseman.
A man, whose only purpose has been dragging you into the bowels of your own ignorance.
Tonight SheMoose, your reign of terror comes to an end.
– Ok, maybe not his all time best, but it was really nice to hear a Damien Sandow speech… it’s been a while. What I expected to be an over sized gourd, Damien Sandow gets some solid offensive in on Unmixed Strawberry Yogurt, to which he curdles and becomes sour cream. After some good back and forth… however, while Sheamus considers teaching math to the kids at home, he becomes concerned that Damien Sandow has gone into cardiac arrest. So, he immediately places Sandow on the ring apron, facing the crowd, and pounds his fist into the upper torso of Sandow screaming, “YOU NEED TO LIVE, FELLA! THE WORLD NEEDS YOU! I NEED YOU!” Jerry Lawler makes an off color joke as Sandow plummets to the outside of the ring and we go to… a commercial break.
Scruffy is the shit. If you aren’t familiar with this Blue Bear and his awesomeness. Go watch, or fucking kill yourself. Just saying. That is all.
– And we’re back! Wow. The match is still on, who would’ve thunk it? Certainly not my dead friend Corr Passman, because he’s dead. Sandow gets his ever-entertaining Cubito Aequet in, and has his feel good, heel good, assault moments. Of course, Sheamus gets his Brogue kick in to win this bout, but overall, I felt this was a really entertaining match. I hate seeing Sandow as the glorified jobber (like his former tag partner), but it is what it is. This is the home stretch, and his job to help Sheamus look good until he gets busted for a DUI while on bath salts or something. Fuck, did it again.
My sentiments knowing I have to review this show sometimes.
– Another Fandango Inverted Harlem Shake video airs, with a bunch of people convulsing for 20 seconds, and suddenly everyone else stops and vanishes like Marty McFly in Back to the Future. Fandango puts on his rage face, and planks his way exuent stage left while Rebecca Black’s “Friday” plays. Dammit Miz! (See what I did there?) J.T. is seen in the video holding up an iPad (version 1.0) that asks, “Y U NO LIEK TEH FANDINGO?!?!”. I grab my Jiffy marker filled with the ink of lies, and write on my television, “All your base are belong to us. Also, you still owe me like $0.90 for the two pack of Jiffy Markers…”.
– Back to Josh “T” Matthews and JBL who throw to a Brendan Shanahan video that clearly shows that Jorge and Joe of Team Alpha, and BWF Radio each Sunday at 2 PM, are responsible for cutting Ottawa Senator Erik Karlsson’s ankle with their collective skates, and the knee-on-knee attack on the Minnesota Wild’s Cal Clutterbuck. Both have been suspended for two games in the WWE. J.T. is still allowed to remain in the audience, and his arena beer privileges are now on comp by the NHL ownership group… BREAKING NEWS!! Justin Ruff has been terminated by the Buffalo Sabres as head coach and replaced by now-veteran minor hockey legend, Don West. The BWF still employs Mr. Ruff, it should be noted. The BHF likes that cat too.
Jumpin Jeff Farmer wants you to…. umm… Wow, this is shitty. BWF Radio shouldn’t even consider playing this on the show, so… we should. Terrible.
– We see Cody Rhodes talking to Cat-Liner backstage about her title or something. He says it totally looks better than Jeff Hardy’s abortion of a belt in TNA, and also if Hardy has pulled a “Jack Swagger” lately. Then they write the worst operatic aria known to human kind in honor of…
– * Tamina and Aksana vs. Layla and Kaitlyn. God this is death. I died again. I walked into the light. Saint Peter is passed out by that keg from the last two times. I funnel some more beer into his sleeping body, because it’s not like that dude can die. He’s just like Matt Hardy, or his brother, or RVD, or Sabu who now likes to drive around with the All American American with his shirt off. I decide to look at the TV, and I guess someone told Aksana that she should try wrapping her legs around The Kat’s neck and bounce around. Jerry Lawler runs out to help, thinking it’s still the late nineties. Kaitlyn gets the pin or something. The crowd did an inverted Harlem Shake here too.
That cookie kid is so fucking dead…
– Clip packages air. I FFW them since my mysterious assailant has been suspended. No Jorge on the balcony either.
– Medium Sized Business owner, Wade Barrett, goes to agree with Zeb and Swagger congratulating them on their philosophy. Zeb demands to know where Barrett is from, and when the response is England, Zeb tells Wade he is just as bad as Del Rio and hopes they both beat each other up so bad that they are forced to emigrate. Then Wade tells him he has a new brand of Barrett Barrage Energy Bars, using quotations with his hands as he says “Energy.” Swagger asks what is in them, and Barrett tells him it’s a local herb currently made legal in Colorado. Swagger immediately eats about 12 of said bars and phones up his pal, Nick Hogan, and challenges him to a street race.
Brooklyn! Brooklyn! I miss those days.
– * Randy Orton vs. Jack Swagger. Well not until the “Next…” logo comes up… wait, what’s this?!?!? It’s Phoenix Coyote agitator, Raffi Torres! He leaps into mid air and nails Orton in the head with his shoulder!!! Torres bounces off the metallic exoskeleton of Orton and slumps on the canvas clutching his shattered bones. “Why… did… you… attack… cheeseburger… me…?” demands Orton. “I did it for Team Alpha!” screams the fallen Raffi. J.T. is seen in the audience holding up a sign stating, “Wow, that collision sounded like a Syracuse Crunch.”
Death seems to be a trend in my image posts tonight. You’re next. Sorry about that. I left J.T. tied up in your basement with some weapons and let him do bathsalts.
– And we’ve returned… as Swagger weaves down the entrance ramp and Zeb twirls his mustache in cartoony fashion. Man, I’m going to miss this. Swagger won’t remember though, because you know… short-term memory loss. During this match, JBL notes the following:
Regardless, it’s slow, but well built match designed to help build Swagger as a viable opponent. That’s Orton’s new job after all. They exchange dealer numbers midway through it, and share a laugh that their “guy” is the same, Evan Bourne. Seriously though, they have the same dealer as RVD. The two take their fight to the outside. It’s pretty solid! WWE cuts away to a scene from The Untouchable II (by WWE Studios). The Untouchable’s leader, Elliot, is seen in a room interrogating Al Capone. “WHO WAS YOUR FAVORITE WWE WRESTLER!” Capone looks up, stares at Elliot for a moment and says, “Well, Ness. Test. He was my favorite.” We cut to commercials.
Well, that promo made me want to tune in!.
– The latter half of the match continues and picks up again as ads have stopped Bogarting match time. They exchange shots, toke toke pass, as Zeb looks on. Swagger attempts the patriot act, but Orton reverses it. J.T. is seen in the audience holding up a sign demanding, “No stems, No seeds.” Swagger attempts a suplex failing, much to Zeb’s chagrin as he has tickets to a Phish concert that begins in twenty minutes. Orton lands his suspended PCP spot, and gets down on the canvas to hit the gravity bong, but his delay allows Swagger to roll him up like a two-paper Zig-Zag coner, after nailing him with an eye poke. Cheap win. Cheap G jokes. Actually, this was a really good match. But OF COURSE I was going there.
@Charles Barkley @G: “Did you catch me on the Price is Right, G? I cleaned up!”
@G @Charles Barkley: “No. But Happy Birthday, Barks!”
– RAW LSD flashbacks are shown. It’s like getting high a second time for free! We see Brad Maddox get his new gig, and Paul Heyman being placed into a setup for Brock Lesnar and HHH to wrestle at WM, but they call this match “Vince McMahon.” Yeah, ok. That’s going to happen.
– We then get more clips of Anchorman II starring Colin Farrell with appearances by Wade Barrett. Satt Marklar interviews Wade about his role, and then Sheamus does an impression of Wade’s role in the film. He stands there saying nothing staring absently into space. Is this a WrestleMania program? THIS MATCH? The same match we’ve seen countless times for free on WWE programming. I hope this is less than 18 seconds if it is. FUCK THAT.
Bottom left corner. The television on Coles announcer table. Green background… Cody’s mustache. The fuck?
– * The Miz vs. Cody Rhodes (Bad facial hair match Title match). The highlight of this match is the cutaway of Rhodes calling his look a “love-stache.” He’s facing the Bad Facial Hair champion though… could get “shavey” at WrestleMania…. unless the Swiss get involved. but they tend to have problems taking sides. Since Miz is still sporting entertainmenting a wrapped up shoulder injury, Rhodes focuses his assault upon the injury. J.T. is seen holding up a sign that says, “Hey, I just realized Raffi Torres is stealing Miz’ gimmick.” Nope, it’s actually Miz using Flair’s Figure Four Leglock finisher he was gifted by the Nature Boy for the win. Cody submits.
– Replay of Zeb’s Youtube rant from RAW. A wisp of smoke… ahh fuck it. Good job, Swagger, way to ruin Dutch Mantell’s opportunity for a late career paycheck, you dick.
Alex Jones: “I employed an accountant to file my taxes last week. He did a shoddy job. These white collar con-artists filed and told me I still owe money. This is a scam. I contacted Mr. Shyster and he said his employer noted that ‘Everyone has a price’ and sent his personal assistant to my house to collect my owed back-taxes. Speaking of collecting, Mr. Duke Drowsy, when are you going to remove the rubbish from the alley? It’s been sitting out back for years now… Don’t get me started on the ramshackle job my dentist did on my wisdom teeth. His secretary told me he is away on personal medical reasons.”(
– More Fandango videos. This gimmick is as dead as Swagger’s.
– * Non-Title Match: Alberto Del Rio vs. Wade Barrett. Ric-Rod cuts his awesome very long held “O” for “Rio” as Jorge and Joe attempt to do the same on BWF Radio THIS SUNDAY (2PM EST) then end up gasping for air like Jack Swagger attempting to hold in his toke from his custom built-in dashboard vaporizer/bong combo. Del Rio immediately goes for the offensive as it looks like we are getting a nice long match. Zeb and Swagger watch this match from the entrance ramp. Did I mention Swagger got busted for a DUI for marijuana yet?
I hate this part of my job too.
– Like with most matches tonight (use a lighter when smoking a pipe, bong, or joint), Wade is booked strong enough for enhancement talent. It’s not like he is a title holder or anything, after all. BREAKING NEWS!!! Wade Barrett was arrested for driving under the influence of Intercontinental Champion reports TMZ! The story here is that the two on the ramp slowly begin to work their way down as the two in the ring exchange blows. Everytime it seems Del Rio might win, they take 12 steps (Oops). They don’t make it far enough to get involved as Del Rio ultimately submits Wade with one of Dean Malenko’s one move. You read that right, BABY! Del Rio with the Armbar FTW…
I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.
The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.
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