AH Welcome to another Pintnoir review of iMPACT Wrestling.
We open on a Storm montage going over his win at last weeks ppv. Then out comes the cowboy Storm with new theme music, he talks about his father and how he told him when watching Wrestlemania 3 that he wanted to be a wrestler. Fortune proceeds to the ring congratulating but Samoa Joe’s music hits he comes out and insults Storm and Roode wants his shot at the title. (*didn’t BFG have a stipulation where whoever won the three-way between Joe, Morgan and Crimson would get a title shot and didn’t Joe lose to Crimson?) ANYWAY! Sting comes down exerting his authority and makes a number one contenders match between Joe and Roode. Winner faces James Storm in Macon, Georgia.
Daniels does a promo claiming AJ doctored audio to make it sound like he said “I Quit”, you know because this is WWF circa 1999. He ready to prove how dominate he is when he takes on “Bob” Van Dam.
Rob Van Dam vs Daniels is a okay match there seems to be communication problems between Van Dam and Daniels during the match but Rob probably high on the cush. AJ joins on commentary. Match ends when Daniels hits Van Dam with a tool box, then he proceeds to pull out a screw driver. Styles runs off Daniels.
Karen Jarrett and entourage come down to the ring. Gail cuts promo. She talks about all the emails and tweets about why she gave Velvet a concussion, and simply states it’s “none of your damn business”. This promo seems to imply her actions against her former employer more than Velvet but that’s just me. Then out comes Tara for her scheduled squash match against Gail. After a commercial break Gail is beating the tar out of Tara which leads to a new finisher. A drop down boot to the chin manuever. OH yeah I forgot to mention that Karen calls Velvet a prostitute and gives Gail a title shot. While Madison Rayne looks on and cheers? plot holes your honor?
Jeff Hardy Promo
TV Title defense where we have the weaker Jersey shore wrestler taking on Eric Young (c). Rob Terry is outside when the match begins. For what its worth EY can still go, but the match lasts a minute ending in a roll up pin for Young. Rob Terry jumps in a lays the smack down which prompts EY to bring out his hollywood heavies, Ronnie from the Jersey Shore. God how I hate Viacom. Not only do they run MTV but also Spike.
Two promos one shows Eric Bischoff walking out to the ring and the other follows Daniels making a phone call and being approached by Kazarian about burying the hatchet between him and Styles.
Replay of the whole Garrett Bischoff/Jackson James set up going back to Turning Point 2010, and Final Resolution. Showing how he screwed Matt Morgan out of two title defenses. Easy E comes out and calls out his son tells he has to the end of the night to apologize or he’ll “beat his ass”
Afterwards Flair confronts him. Tells Lil Bisch to call him “GOD” not Mr. Flair. Calls him a punk and slaps him around while traditional slurring his words.
Jeff Jarrett comes out. Calls out Hardy again for the third time in two weeks (this includes a PPV). Fight ensues. This of course leads to an attack from behind by Bully Ray. Hardy showing little ring rust. Leads to a good match where Ray takes his bumps for the team. Hardy wins with a twist of fate. After Jarrett jumps him, throws him back into the ring where Ray busts him with a chain. Jarrett grabs a table to put Hardy through but Anderson comes out for the save.
Roode vs Samoa Joe is good. Roode wins leading to Storm coming out and lifting a beer to him. Roode responds with a thumbs up.
EB and Ric GOD Flair confront Garrett in the ring about his behavior which leads Bischoff (JR) to punch GOD in the face before being low blowed by his father and then Flair. Show ends with Garrett on the floor and Bischoff senior and Flair hugging.
Well here I am back on my usual time slot on Sunday, mostly because I didn’t feel like doing this yesterday, but it’s great to be back in my regular time slot. Will this be a permanent thing, I don’t know just yet, but for right now does it really even matter as long as you get an article from me right. Well since we lost an hour today, lets get this party started: (more…)
Last week TNA shot their proverbial load all over my television screen like they’d been free-basing Charlie Sheen all night. What will they have in store for us this week? Did they actually have anything planned for the show other than the Jersey Shore’s Angelina having a match? Do they even remember they have a PPV on Sunday? Doubtful. But there’s only one terrible way to find out. (more…)
Tonight’s RAW will feature none other than the one, the only, Stone Cold Steve Austin!! Next week, we get the special guest host/star/whatever, Snooki, from Jersey Shore. Say what you want, I just don’t… don’t really like Jersey Shore that much. Anyway, I’ve sat through worse… I think.
About tonight: I hear that The Miz is boycotting tonight’s RAW. I’m upset, but I know some people who won’t be. And what else will happen as Wrestlemania XXVII draws closer and closer? The Undertaker is coming to RAW tonight, and John Cena says he’s going to deliver the “Final Knockout” to The Rock. Stay tuned and find out!
<VIDEO PACKAGE: Last week, Triple H says that his last true challenge is ending the Streak.>
The Undertaker enters RAW to Johnny Cash’s Ain’t No Grave. Honestly, I’m kind of glad to hear it being used like this. It seems to suit Taker’s character very well, and… seems to me to kind of be a final theme song. But, anyway, I’ll shut up.
The Undertaker takes the mic and says at Wrestlemania, two legends, to icons will collide, will do battle. And in the end, there can only be one Highlander last outlaw. Now, the word on the street is that many feel that this is the year that the Streak is broken. That Father Time and all the battles, and all the wars, and all the injuries, are finally going to catch up to him. And then, there are those who feel like it’s the King of Kings, The Game, Triple H who is the one guy that has what it takes to bring him down and end the Streak. Well, Triple H, the Undertaker wants to remind you and everyone else, what has happened at the last two Wrestlemanias, what happened to someone else who thought they had what it took to end the Streak. Perhaps the greatest of all time, Shawn Michaels.
<VIDEO PACKAGE: Wrestlemania 25 – The Undertaker defeats Shawn Michaels. Wrestlemania 26 – The Undertaker defeats Shawn Michaels again.>
At Wrestlemania, there will be no excuses, no regrets, no disqualifications, no count outs, no rules. Their match at Wrestlemania will be No Holds Barred. In a match like this, the possibilities of what could happen are endless, but there is one thing that is iron-clad: The end result. It’s just like Triple H said: Triple H ends the Streak, and the Undertaker dies. Or, Triple H dies trying. Triple H, at Wrestlemania, you will rest in peace.
Later tonight, John Cena will respond to The Rock and deliver the “final knockout” and Stone Cold Steve Austin returns to RAW!!
Backstage, Randy Orton is taking on Nexus, and is then driven into a steel closet by Mason Ryan, then double-teamed by Otunga and Ryan as Punk watches. Punk says Orton managed to put McGuillicutty on the shelf, but where they’re going to send him is much, much worse. Punk then throws his head into the steel closet again, and once more, then hits the Go to Sleep. Punk tells them to pick “this piece of garbage” up and drag him to the ring.
<COMMERCIAL>
@HitTheRopes Once again, the guys who put together the packages for WWE are #tremendous
@KeepItFiveStar The Undertaker putting his Avid Editing skills to work yet again. Just once I want to see him in an editing room with headphones on
@JRosz78 Love Taker coming out to Johnny Cash! Never gets old! #WWE #RAW #MNBW #BWF
@KeepItFiveStar CM Punk hanging with New Nexus is like Shredder hanging with the Foot Soldiers. He’s clearly better than them and they’re not needed.
@smarkingout “Where we’re gonna send you is much, much worse.” Oh God, CM Punk is sending Orton to TNA.
@JonHexLives So Orton has officially taken Cena’s place as being the weekly target of gang violence. #WWE #RAW #BWF
Orton is in the ring, being circled by Punk, Ryan, and Otunga. The refs come out and pull Punk off him as Punk puts his knee on Orton’s throat and continues to taunt him. Orton pulls himself under the ropes and Otunga gets ready for his match. The ref keeps trying to keep Otunga off Orton and asks if Orton wants to compete. Orton says, “Uh, fuck yes.”
David Otunga vs Randy Orton
Otunga immediately is all over Orton, launching hits at his head. Then, he runs back at him and proceeds to kick him before going back to punches to Orton’s head. Otunga goes to grab him, but Orton kicks him. Otunga fights back and drags Orton out of the corner by his shirt and then drops onto him, going for a quick cover. Orton kicks out at two. Otunga pulls Orton to his feet, and then slams Orton onto the mat and goes for another cover, but Orton kicks out again. Otunga lifts Orton up once more, pointing to the Wrestlemania sign, and then he drops Orton again. Another cover later, and Orton has kicked out again. Otunga lifts him to his feet, but then Orton shows life and pushes him back before hitting the RKO and managing to pin Otunga.
Randy Orton wins via pinfall.
Ryan gets into the ring and takes Orton down with a boot to the skull. Now, neither Michael McGuillicutty nor David Otunga will be able to assist CM Punk at Wrestlemania. Ryan gets Orton onto his knees, and then starts to try something, but Orton hits another RKO and stands up, coiled to strike again. Punk runs down to try to save anyone else form getting punted in the skull, but Orton keeps him out of the ring. The two have a stare down, and Orton slowly looks over at Otunga. Punk watches as Orton considers it, and Punk tells him not to. Punk goes to run around the ring to get Otunga, and Orton punts Otunga in the skull. Orton drops to the mat, pounding it as he watches Punk, who backs away. Orton gets up on the ropes, forcing Punk to back away.
Tonight, Michael Cole will reveal the special guest referee for his match at Wrestlemania against Jerry “The King” Lawler.
<COMMERCIAL>
@KeepItFiveStar CM Punk needs to get Festus, Serena and Joey Mercury back because THIS TEAM is pathetic…
@HitTheRopes @RandyOrton’s Punt is super effective. David Otunga fainted. Please take him to the nearest Pokemon Center.
@JonHexLives If Cena is Superman and Morrison is Spider-Man, then Orton must be Wolverine since he takes a beating and comes back for more #WWE #RAW #BWF
@Niki_Sushi Randy’s in Oprah Mode(c). ‘You get a punt! And you get a punt! And you get a punt!’ #CultofHarpo #BWF #RAW
<WWE Slam of the Week: Last Monday, John Cena defeats Alex Riley in a steel cage match.>
Earlier today, The Miz tweeted that due to not getting the recognition he deserves, he’s boycotting RAW tonight. I’m sad.
If you close your eyes…
CHRISTIAN!
Christian vs Alberto del Rio
Before the match, we learn that last week, Christian helped Edge as Del Rio attacked the World Heavyweight Champion. Del Rio comes down to the ring with none other than Brodus Clay at his side, but Christian doesn’t look that bothered…
Before the match, del Rio says that his name is Alberto del Rio, but we already knew that. It is his destiny to be the new World Heavyweight Champion at Wrestlemania, and Christian, you and he are going to fight. But not tonight. If Christian really wants to fight del Rio, first Christian has to defeat del Rio’s “little” friend, Brodus Clay.
Christian vs Brodus Clay
The match starts with the two of them locking up for a moment before dropping Christian on his face. Clay starts to lift Christian, who jumps behind him and tries to fight him and possibly lock in the Killswitch, but Brodus hits his pec. He does it again, and Christian dives between Clay’s legs, but is met by a head butt, then Clay drops onto Christian with one, two elbow drops and then a cover. Christian kicks out at two, and Clay targets Christian’s pec. Christian fights out of the submission, but Clay throws him across the ring and goes for a knee drop, but Christian moves out of the way, hitting a missile dropkick to Clay, followed by another that knocks Clay over. Christian goes for a cover, but Clay throws him off. Clay clotheslines him, and then Christian kicks out of the pin attempt. Clay gets Christian onto his shoulder and starts to run, but Christian gets down and then gets up in the corner, hitting a Tornado DDT.
Christian wins via pinfall.
Right after the match, del Rio attacks Christian. Del Rio gets Christian up, but Christian slaps him, running into a boot. Del Rio then locks in the Cross Arm Breaker, again, and keeps attacking the same arm.
<VIDEO PACAKGE: The Rock responds to John Cena’s response to The Rock’s comments.>
<COMMERCIAL>
@HitTheRopes Was Edge busy or something? If I was Christian, I’d be wondering why my former brother didn’t come to my aid
@TKeep123 Brodus comes in 2nd on #nXt and is the 1st to make a post-nXt apparance on #RAW ! Enough said. #RAW #WWE #BWF #MNBW
@Niki_Sushi Yay Christian! I don’t care you’re supposed to be on SmackDown. I’m happy that I get to see you. :3 #BWF #RAW
<VIDEO PACKAGE: Sin Cara.>
Already in going into the 2011 Hall of Fame, Shawn Michaels, Bullet Bob Armstrong and “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan. The next inductee: Sunny.
Next up, Eve will defend the Diva’s Championship.
<COMMERCIAL>
@kickoutblog Sin Cara vignette is slick.
@Niki_Sushi Unlike Alberto’s retarded promos, this actually makes me excited to see Sin Cara! #BWF #RAW
@KeepItFiveStar Somewhere in the world Sable just threw a remote at her TV and took a shot of whiskey.
@JRosz78 Sunny was well EPIC! #RAW #BWF #MNBW
@HitTheRopes So who hasn’t Sunny pissed off that is willing to induct her?
@KeepItFiveStar And now the Sunny forecast has been ruined by EVE. Thanks Eve…you did it again. You even found a way to ruin this
@TKeep123 Eve up next to defend her #TNA Jeff Hardy DIVA belt vs Niki Bella! #RAW #WWE #BWF #MNBW
<WWE Rewind: Last week, Diva’s Battle Royal for the Number One Contender to the Diva’s Championship.>
Diva’s Champion Eve Torres vs Brie/Nikki Bella for the Diva’s Championship
Gail Kim is in Eve’s corner. Well, there’s your Gail sighting, but that’s all you’re going to get.
The two lock up, and Eve backs Nikki onto the ropes, and then throws her across the ring. Eve then bounces Nikki’s head off the turnbuckle repeatedly before throwing her onto the mat. Eve tosses her again, by her hair, before kicking her once, twice, and then clotheslining her. Eve goes for a cover, but Nikki kicks out. Nikki comes back by throwing Eve onto the ropes and holding her down there. While Nikki distracts the ref, Brie hits Eve, and then Nikki kicks Eve’s head. Nikki drops Eve by her hair and goes for a cover, but Eve kicks out. Nikki stands on Eve’s hair before lifting her arms, and then goes for a cover, but Eve kicks out. Cole stands on the announce table and says enough with this match, as Nikki puts Eve in a headlock. Cole says he can’t wait to make his announcement, and he’s going to tell everyone who his special guest referee is. Nikki drops Eve onto her face, and then punches her, and Cole keeps talking and talking. Nikki throws Eve in the corner, and then Eve slaps her. Eve then kicks Nikki in the head, and Eve tries to grab Nikki before Brie replaces her, but the ref catches her that time. Eve rolls back in with Nikki, and Nikki misses a clothesline, and Eve hits whatever move it was for the win. Brie tries to help, but backs out.
Eve Torres wins via pinfall.
Cole takes the mic again and says thank God that’s over. Coming up next is Cole’s “Main Event”, and we’ll find out who the special guest referee will be for Cole and King’s match.
<COMMERCIAL>
@WWEsAngel_Nef You know #WWE while this is a great way to make Cole look like a douche, this is disrespectful to the women’s division. I hate this crap too
@TKeep123 Michael Cole interrupting the DIVA match to self-promote… Horrid treatment of the Divas…. #RAW #WWE #BWF #MNBW
@KeepItFiveStar Sit down Michael Cole with your fake ass Smooth Criminal suit
@HitTheRopes Damn, talk about sh*tting on the females. #wwe
@KeepItFiveStar Welp, Women’s History Month continues in the WWE….
@FrankWWEClown There’s only one choice for Michael Cole’s guest referee…the man known as….Sting. #wait22111alreadyhappened #makessense #WWE #RAW
@Niki_Sushi As much as I dislike Eve holding the belt, I would sooner party with Eve than watch a Bella be champ. #BWF #RAW
@kellylynndobson Eve dressed like a sexual Ronald McDonald. ugh. #BWF
Next week, Snooki is going to guest host RAW!
<VIDEO PACKAGE: Michael Cole reveals that Jack Swagger will be training him in preparation for his Wrestlemania match, and Jack Swagger puts King in the ankle lock.>
Cole is in the ring, laughing as the video plays back, and asks if he can have our attention. He says at Wrestlemania, he’s going to compete in his first ever match. And, well, of course, it’s in the main event (yeahright). In his hand, Cole holds the contract. The man who signs those documents will be the guest referee, and will have the honor and privilege of holding his hand high as he defeats King at Wrestlemania. We may not believe this, but Cole respects Lawler. Because of that respect, Cole picked a referee who would be impartial. The man has vowed that he’ll call the match right down the middle, and at least King will have a fighting chance at Wrestlemania. Without further ado, Cole wants to announce the man. He’s a former WWE Champion, a true legend, one of the most iconic figures in WWE history, and, much like Cole, he’s a legendary Texan. We can feel it, we know he’s here, we know this man is here. He’s been waiting for an hour to get out of our seats and cheer for this man, so let’s start the cheer. An Austin chant starts up. Cole then says that those people are fools. He suckered them in, him, Michael Cole. Ladies and gentlemen, his referee at Wrestlemania is none other than JBL!
The trademark limo with the Texas longhorns pulls up, and I just remember the last time I saw JBL when he quit because Rey… Nevermind.
JBL and Cole hug in the ring, and JBL lifts his arm. JBL gets the mic and thanks the crowd for booing him. He knew that when the great JBL came back from his hiatus, that ‘you people’ would understand, and after what they went through with no champions, and JBL felt sorry for Texas. He knew when he returned, the greatest, longest reigning champion in Smackdown history, and he knew that we would welcome him like good southern people do, with open hearts, but this is so much more important than us. Cole is right, JBL is going to Wrestlemania, the main event, there’s other matches, there’s a guest host. Whatever. Nobody has ever debuted at Wrestlemania, in the main event, until now. And JBL is so proud that this grizzled vet, standing in front of him… JBL saw the dues Cole paid, the way King treated Cole, saw that King was nothing more than a simple bully. JBL hates bullies, and it’s wrong that the strong pick on the weak just because the can. JBL is proud of Cole for standing up to that bully. The world is going to know what Cole can do. With Swagger standing on Cole’s corner, there’s only one thing missing: an impartial ref. JBL can buy anyone in that building, but no one can buy JBL. He’s a man of integrity, and that’s why he’s there, why when he signs that contract, JBL goes home. Today, JBL starts his journey back to the main event at Wrestlemania. JBL takes the contract, but is interrupted by shattering glass…
Stone Cold Steve Austin chooses now to make his way down the ramp, and Cole just shit his pants.
Austin makes his way to another corner and Cole literally scurries to get out of his way.
JBL and Cole are pointing their fingers at Austin, and yelling at him, but Austin looks unamused. Cole hides behind JBL, like he did Swagger last week. Austin keeps going for Cole, but JBL moves in the way. Austin finally gets sick of it and delivers a Stunner to JBL. He catches his beers and puts on JBL’s cowboy hat before throwing it off and celebrating with his beer as always. Some things will never get old.
He drinks one beer and pours another one on JBL, who squirms. Austin then sees the contract. Cole realizes what may be going through Austin’s head and seems to be sobbing. Austin picks up the contract, and Cole begs him not to do it. Austin just spit beer all over the contract. Cole is sobbing now, by the way. Austin says if we want him to sign that contract, give him a “Hell Yeah”. So, Stone Cold signs it. Austin says the special guest referee at Wrestlemania will be none other than STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN! And that’s the bottom line, ‘cause Stone Cold said so.
Cole keeps begging, and Austin rolls out of the ring, catching a fresh beer. Austin shakes Cole’s hand, then pours three cans of beer all over his head. Austin then tells him good luck, and shoves him back in his seat. Austin rolls back into the ring, where JBL is showing signs of life, and Cole slowly walks right under another can of beer being poured on him, and up the ramp. JBL just got hit in the head by a can of beer, and Austin gives him a beer. He offers his can up, for cheers, and then drinks it. JBL shrugs and drinks it to, before getting another Stunner. Dumbass. Swagger’s at the top of the ramp, watching Cole have a pissy fit.
Hope Cole enjoyed his beer bath.
<VIDEO PACKAGE: Rock reminds us how everything started.>
<COMMERCIAL>
@JonHexLives Michael Cole has a Boss Hog fit with Roscoe Swagtraine trying to calm him down. #WWE #RAW #BWF
@TKeep123 YES! Austin serves up 2 beers for Michael Cole-on top of his head! JBL finally waking up…Stunner #2! #RAW #WWE #BWF #MNBW
@JonHexLives That’s like the whole 12-pack Stone Cold has poured all over that ring. #WWE #RAW #BWF
@Niki_Sushi The camera won’t look at Josh Matthews because he is grinning like a damn fool right now. #BWF #RAW
@kellylynndobson Cole sounding like Nancy Kerrigan, “Why…..Why?” #BWF
@TKeep123 …and The Rattle-snake literally STUNS the 10 Gallon Hat off of JBL! Steve-wizers for everyone! #RAW #WWE #BWF #MNBW
@Niki_Sushi ‘It was my night, it was my night’ I think it’s his night now. #BWF #RAW #JustSayin
@kickoutblog At least Cole didn’t pick Austin, that would’ve been dumb.
@CMPunkSays We will have Stone Cold and The Rock at Wrestlemania. WE WILL HAVE STONE COLD AND THE ROCK AT WRESTLEMANIA. #MyBodyIsNotReady #WWE
@WWE_Creative Wow, @steveaustinBSR made it through an entire segment without saying “ass”. TV-PG is alive and well! #RAWTonight
@redsandman99 See Cole? Being a tremendous douchenozzle does not pay off in the end.
@HitTheRopes Austin just embarrassed Cole on the behalf of the Divas…. Well, not really, but one can think positively
@FrankWWEClown I would mark out for Michael Cole vomiting all over the announce table in disgust of Stone Cold. Oh hell yeah. #WWE #RAW #WM27 #AUSTIN316
Backstage, Cole is flipping out because his clothes are a mess to Jack Swagger. Cole says he hates Stone Cold as much as he hates Jerry, but Swagger interrupts him. Swagger tells Cole to focus on King, and Swagger will worry about Austin. Swagger threatens to break Austin’s ankle like a twig, and Cole goes out to shower, finally.
Jerry “The King” Lawler makes his way back to ringside, where he belongs.
Doesn’t Defend His Title On Live Television United States Champion Daniel Bryan vs King Sheamus
<VIDEO PACKAGE: Triple H, and then Evan Bourne, own King Sheamus.>
Sheamus starts out by attacking the hell out of Bryan, and hurls him across the ring before putting his fists in Bryan’s face. Sheamus goes for a cover, but Bryan kicks out at two. Sheamus gets Bryan to his feet and misses a clothesline, only to eat a missile dropkick, followed by another one that sends Sheamus out to the announce table, grabbing his ankle. The ref is counting, but Sheamus doesn’t seem to be able to really walk, let alone get into the ring. Sheamus lets the ref count.
United States Daniel Bryan wins via count-out.
Sheamus takes a mic and says hold on a minute. For the last couple months, he’s been on a losing streak. But, he promises next week, all that will change, when he becomes the new United States Champion. What does Bryan say? If Sheamus doesn’t beat him for the title, Sheamus will quit. Bryan nods, and I get my wish for Bryan to actually defend his title on television.
Coming up, Shawn Michaels will speak out again on the Undertaker vs Triple H match.
<COMMERCIAL>
@KeepItFiveStar IT’S A SHAMEFUL THING! LOBSTER HEAD!!
@KeepItFiveStar Lmao! Oh My God! Sheamus looks so sad! A part of him died last week.
@CMPunkSays I was wondering if anyone else noticed the quick count. Very astute, Mathews. #WWE
@Niki_Sushi …. I forgot about Daniel Bryan. I’ll be honest. I haven’t heard his theme in forever. Doesn’t he have a belt or something? #BWF #RAW
@kickoutblog Looks like there ain’t no grave that can hold King Sheamus down.
We come back to CM Punk sitting in the ring, ready for action.
Oh, and my head was just starting to stop hurting.
CM Punk vs R-Truth
Punk goes to attack Truth as Truth gives up the mic, but Truth goes for a quick cover. Punk kicks out and Truth hits a quick drop toe-hold, and then Punk takes momentum and throws Truth into one steel post, then another. Then, Punk throws Truth into a third. One more and you’ll get them all, Punk! Truth fights back, however, and Punk does like that, attacking him in the corner. Punk goes for a cover, but Truth kicks out at two. Punk gets Truth in a submission, and Truth tries to fight out, getting up to his feet before fighting out. Truth hits a clothesline, then another on Punk before slapping Punk. Punk Whips him, and Truth tries to flip over, but Punk isn’t there. Truth counters the attempted Go to Sleep and goes for a cover, but Punk kicks out at two. Punk rolls out of the ring, then grabs Truth’s arm and jumps off the apron, hurting Truth’s shoulder. Punk then locks in the Anaconda Vice, and Truth taps out.
CM Punk wins via submission.
Ryan climbs in the ring with Punk and Punk directs Ryan to Punk. Ryan lifts him up before dropping Truth down in what King just called a shoulder breaker.
<VIDEO PACKAGE: Shawn Michaels weighs in.>
I’m sorry, but I can’t focus too terribly much on this, so I’m not going to say everything he says. First, Shawn comments on their friendship, and says that greatness rarely gets satisfied, which is why Triple H takes on the Undertaker. Combined with Triple H’s talent, there’s a darkness in him. Triple H is the kind of guy who could do anything and not feel any remorse about it.
Vickie Guerrero makes her way down to the ring, even though she was fired as Smackdown’s Official Consultant.
<COMMERCIAL>
@KeepItFiveStar CM Punk bringing out the Anaconda Vice on Truth! That’s how you tame a jiggaboo!
@TKeep123 You know it’s bad for Sheamus when an R-Truth match lasts longer than his! #RAW #WWE #BWF #MNBW
@WWE_Creative We needed to have @CMPunk murder @RandyOrton earlier because Punk killing @RonKillings may turn him face. #RAWTonight
@legendkiller515 Why is t-truth still rapping? I don’t get it. He’s awful. And I’m the token black guy saying he can’t rap. #wwe #raw #bwf
@kickoutblog Vickie Guerrero is here! She’s announcing herself as the first (and only) participant for Money in the Bank
I’m not convinced Snooki’s PG, but I’ll deal.
Vickie screeches Excuse Me at us again, and she’s boo’d. Same old story. She says due to her extensive negotiating efforts, please allow her to introduce to us, the former World Heavyweight Champion, and the newest member to the RAW Roster, Dolph Ziggler.
I am perfection…
Apparently, getting fired from Smackdown, means a… “promotion” to RAW. But wait… Did Vickie get rehired last Friday when I wasn’t watching? I’m confuuuuused!
Dolph Ziggler vs John Morrison
So… no answer then, WWE? Not going to tell me how Vickie Guerrero is suddenly on RAW with a job and a microphone? No? … Awesome. Oh, wondrous! And now Vickie’s on commentary. Oh, and King’s making fat jokes. Sweet.
Ziggler and Morrison lock up, and Ziggler plants Morrison. Morrison tries to jump over Ziggler, but Ziggler wisely takes out the knee. And… a commercial.
<COMMERCIAL>
@HitTheRopes TNA got Sting and did the 3/3/11 video. WWE returns fire by getting Snooki while TNA has The Shore knockoffs.
@KeepItFiveStar HEY! Dolph Ziggler got his job back! First step Dolph! Next step Carlito! #wishfulthinking
@kickoutblog You know, she wouldn’t have to say “excuse me” so much if you’d just excuse her.
@CMPunkSays When he comes to the ring, John Morrison has this look on his face like he KNOWS he just disintegrated every pair of panties in the arena.
I come back to hear Vickie threatening Snooki if she looks at Vickie’s man, or men she’s been involved with. Anyway, Morrison drops Ziggler to the mat three times, before kneeing him and then hits the Moonlight Drive. Morrison goes for the cover, but Ziggler’s foot touches the rope. Morrison tries to pull Ziggler away, abut Ziggler holds onto the ropes and rakes Morrison’s eyes before hitting a Zig-Zag.
Dolph Ziggler wins via pinfall.
The GM did hire Dolph Ziggler to RAW, but not Vickie Guerrero. Thank you for answering me, WWE. The general manager considers Vickie a “very polarizing figure”. The GM says, however, that Vickie can have a job on RAW if she wins her match next week. Her match is against Trish Stratus.
Security comes out to escort Vickie out of the ring, and she clings to Dolph’s leg while the crowd sings her out.
<VIDEO PACKAGE: The Rock says there are consequences for running his mouth.>
Next, John Cena response to the Rock with the “final knockout.”
<COMMERCIAL>
@HitTheRopes It’s weird to see security walk to the ring. On TNA I’m always seeing security running
@redsandman99 You know what this means? LayCool will interfere and it will set up Trish/Kelly vs LayCool at Wrestlemania
@kickoutblog If Snooki wants to get on my good side, she’ll help Vickie beat Trish Stratus next week.
@KeepItFiveStar “The Chaperon is a good emotional story about a dad, who’s trying to *Gets in Triple H mode* END THE STREAK!!!” – Triple H
@CMPunkSays They’re throwing Attitude Era stars at us like X-Men Origins: Wolverine threw mutants at the plot. Except that THIS is awesome. #WWE
@JonHexLives Apparently it took 20 minutes for the GM to notice Vickie was there. Guess she’s not that fat. #WWE #RAW #BWF
<VIDEO PACKAGE: The Rock calls Cena a Yabba Dabba Bitch.>
These fans can’t decide between The Rock and John Cena, apparently. They love… whoever has the mic at that moment.
Cena says that they’re right; everything’s bigger in Texas. Once you’re there and you look around, there’s people as far as the eye can see. Some people are excited, some people are angry. One guy’s angry at him, and that’s The Rock. Cena doesn’t get it, because The Rock didn’t come out and make fun of him. Cena likes what he has to say, calling him Fruity Pebbles. Cena thinks it’s funny. The impression of him is funny. It’s a good shtick. But, a couple weeks ago, Cena said something about the Rock, and Shut the front door, he got mad. Rock was very angry that Cena addressed him in rap. Rock said never, ever address him in rap. Cena found a solution, and he will address the Rock in hip-hop, which should clear everything up.
Last week, Rock showed the whole world his ass is soft HE talked trash from his living room and wouldn’t take his glasses off What he couldn’t afford a plane ticket or rent a helicopter No, Rock chose to stay home and read off a teleprompter You can see the words in his glasses Rewind it back I caught him Only time you see me, homies, is when I’m whippin that Rock Bottom They say the Rock is unbeatable, he’ll put John Cena on the shelf But after last week, the only thing the Rock’s beatin is himself And once again, I’m standin here And where’ s the Rock? He must be misplaced I get it, I’m a Fruity Pebble, you’re yabba dabba misplaced He yelled for thirty minutes, almost made me throw up You wanna be the people’s champ Here’s a tip: Show up I’m so glad this thing is over so I can cross it off my checklist Rock didn’t win, but it’s ok, I’ll give him a pearl necklace It’s not my fault Rock, you just make it too easy to get you You might as well attack my dog, because every week he eats my shitzu But I made him angry, that’s not what I was in it, I didn’t want him to seem hurt So to make amends, I actually went out and bought the Rock’s new t-shirt
(I BRING IT VIA SATELLITE SHIRT) Rock, make them chant your name, raise an eyebrow, give us all a fun night But don’t ever call me out again dude, cause that’s bringing a knife to a gun fight.
WWE Champion The Miz shows up out of nowhere and attacks John Cena with the WWE Championship belt. SO much for boycotting RAW. Cena gets up, and Miz watches him before Cena turns around, and Miz hits him again. Miz picks up the mic, and says Cena, Cena, Cena. You and your little buddy, The Rock, and everybody else has disrespected me for the last time. Do you see a pattern here, Cena? Every time you and Rock get your panties in a wad, this is what happens to you. And if The Rock was here, the same thing would happen to him. Cena, you like to rap, well try this one on for size:
The Rock, John Cena, Macho Man and Liz Stone Cold and Bret Hart, they’re nothing compared to The Miz.
And one more thing, hello Rock. He and Miz haven’t been properly introduced: He’s the Miz, the WWE Champion, and star of Wrestlemania. Rock, on the other hand, is just the host. So Rock should know his role and be the best Ryan Seacrest he can be. And if Rock has the guts to show up on RAW or at Wrestlemania, Miz will take his little eyebrow, his 45 catchphrases, his sunglasses, his father, his grandfather, roll them up into a ball, flip it sideways, and stick it straight up his candy ass. Because he’s The Miz, and he’s-
Miz then gets behind John Cena and gives him a Skull Crushing Finale. Miz stops, pulls off the band on his elbow, and then delivers the Miz’s Elbow.
–AWWWWWESOOOOME!
Well. Interesting RAW, to say the least, and I do like the way it ended. Yes, yes, I know. But I’m a Mizfit, and it made me happy. It didn’t make up for some of the things that went on, but there you have it. And yes, I did type up that whole rap just by sitting here listening to it. Anyway, next week we have Snooki and Trish Stratus. See you then.
Yeah, that’s right. While everybody else is claiming the end of the wrestling world as we know it, I’m going to point out why it may not be. While everybody is calling for the Apocalypse, it just may not be.
I must begin this with a confession. I like Jersey Shore. [pausing for the jokes about losing my man card] It is an entertaining show. Yeah, make all your jokes, shout your snide remarks and giggle endlessly at my expense. But I’m not alone. Jersey Shore’s rating this past week was 4.7. Jersey Shore was the highest-rated show on Cable. Yes, that is better than WWE’s both hours of Raw. We won’t be seeing that during the “Did You Know…” graphic this week. Right now, Jersey Shore is one of the hottest topics you will find on television. If it was more sought after, it would be winning on Adonis DNA and tiger blood.
And no figure on Jersey Shore is more iconic than Snooki. Towering over none at 4’9″, she is a bubbly, charismatic, polarizing figure. You wanna get a group of people going? Bring up the subject of Snooki, and ask people what they think of her. Regardless of what this says about our society, Snooki is one of the hottest commodities on television today.
Yes, the wrestling world has had plenty of celebrity appearances go bad: RoboCop, the cast of Jackass, Pacman Jones. But there have been some really successful ones: The War to Settle the Score, Lawrence Taylor-Bam Bam Bigelow, Mike Tyson & that encounter with Stone Cold (How many times did we see that on ESPN?). Wrestlemania was built around the appearance of Mr. T, who was one of the hottest commodities of his time.
So here is an opportunity to get an actual star from Jersey Shore (and not some joke who hasn’t lasted either season and is now doing TNA) and capitalize on her star power. This CAN work. They will most likely have a broader audience than usual, because there will be some people who will tune in to see Snooki. As much of an indictment that is on our culture, it’ll create some buzz. When the people tune in, the key is to get them a reason to watch again.
WWE, this part is for you. You might have people who have never tuned in before. You need to make sure you give an exciting product that makes people tune in again. Also, your biggest show of the year is a matter of weeks away. Make sure you find a way to pimp out Wrestlemania like it’s never been pimped before. Also, I know that you’ve always been a sucker for your “Sportscenter” moment. Make sure you parlay this into an effort to sell the biggest show of the year.
With this in the right hands, this just might work.
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They’ve been hyping this particular episode for a while… there will be a wedding, the result of the ongoing legal issues surrounding ownership of TNA, Angelina from the Jersey Shore, Velvet Sky’s career is on the line… and something else… what was that thing they did last week again… signed the Undertaker? Hmm… no that’s not it… (more…)
Happy Valentine’s Day!! Here at BoredWrestlingFan, we love you all! In a non-creepy kind of way. Like family, really… I love you like brothers and sisters and dysfunctional cousins, and that one uncle who always comes in around Christmas time dressed up like Santa, just to get you to sit on his lap, but always gets punched out by your dad. Yeah. I love you all like that.
Anyway, now that I’ve creeped myself out, who will be the guest host for Wrestlemania? And who is going to be showing themself next week on RAW?! AND WHEN WILL RANDY ORTON WEAR PANTS?! All these questions (or, y’know, just one of them), and more will be answered on tonight’s edition of Monday Night RAW!
Earlier tonight, the RAW GM announced three singles matches: Randy Orton v King Sheamus, John Morrison vs R-Truth, and John Cena vs CM Punk once more, but tonight, there will be a winner and the New Nexus is banned from ringside!!
BRRRRRRRRRRRRRR LOVE YOU TOO!!!
John Cena vs CM Punk – There Must Be A Winner and New Nexus is Banned from Ringside
<VIDEO PACKAGE: After the New Nexus destroys the other Elimination Chamber competitors, John Cena shows the New Nexus that he will not be neutralized.>
Before the match, Cena thanks King for the assist, and comments on the crowd. He says he sees some guys smiling, sweating, and that could only mean that it’s Valentine’s Day. He says it’s good to see all the couples, and nothing really says “I love ya honey” like a pair of tickets to WWE. Love is in the air, but so is Wrestlemania! Tonight’s gonna be big, because tonight we find out who will host Wrestlemania! As we can see, everyone’s talking about it, and there are tons of theories. Lady Gaga (after showing up at the Grammys in an egg), Sammy (after leaving Jersey Shore), but Cena thinks that his theory is the most solid: Michael Cole hosts Wrestlemania. He says that he’s equally upset, but Mr. McMahon said last night (Last week), all this special stuff. Cole gets a special feeling every time the GM sends him an email, Cole has a special attraction to Miz and A-Ry, and something that’s never been seen before? They’ve never seen any absolute proof that Michael Cole is actually a man. Cena says that there’s no need for Cole to stand up and embarrass himself, because he’d look like a host. Tonight, we find out who hosts Wrestlemania, Sunday we find out who goes to Wrestlemania for the WWE Championship. Cena says that after his year, he needs this Wrestlemania moment. At one point, he was a slave, working for a group of radicals, and then he was fired. And then he was living off of powdered milk and Crayola crayons, and then he came back and still had to deal with the group of radicals called the Nexus. The great thing about the Elimination Chamber is that only one man from that group can step inside, and that’s CM Punk-
CM Punk’s music interrupts and Punk comes out with a mic. He says that he does not need to listen to this anymore, just as he does not need the members of the New Nexus to defeat Cena. Cena’s a sports fan, it’s in the history book, the last two times that Punk and Cena met, let the record state: CM Punk: 2, John Cena: 0. He doesn’t need to listen to Cena run down Cole, or the people in Anaheim, because he is a good person. Trust Punk, Cena, even here, good things happen to good people.
The match starts with Punk closing the distance, and the two lock up, only for Cena to push Punk in the corner. Punk seems to have an injured leg, but runs to Cena to miss a clothesline, and throws Punk across the ring, and Punk moves as Cena runs to him, sending Cena shoulder-first into the steel post. Punk gets on the apron, and jumps onto Cena on the outside.
<COMMERCIAL>
@Niki_Sushi I think I just heard Cole jizz himself when Punk complimented him. I think it’s a love square here now. #BWF #RAW
@KeepItFiveStar Uh-oh, Punk. Last time someone tried a win-loss countdown with John Cena, they got destroyed. Poor 2009 Miz.
@CMPunkSays So is Michael Cole asexual or a hermaphrodite? #VagueSexualSlurs #WWE
@legendkiller515 cole is a good Samaritan? since when? #bwf
@SadieandCompany Love the Grey’s Sports Almanac reference from @CMPunk! #WWE #BWF
We come back to Punk dominating Cena, and he goes for a cover, but Cena kicks out a two. Punk pulls Cena back up and suplexes him into another cover, but Cena won’t be put away. He latches onto Cena’s shoulder, and Cena gets him off with an arm drag before running right into Punk’s foot, and Punk goes for yet another cover. Punk then wraps his feet around Cena’s waist and applies some pressure. Cena works on getting Punk’s legs out from around him, and tries to lock in the STF, but Punk gets to the rope and elbows Cena off of him. Punk steps on Cena’s head and back, and the ref gets him off. Punk stands Cena up, and delivers a hit to the forehead. Punk continues with some hits to Cena’s head before wrapping it up with a kick to the chest. Punk relishes in the boos for a minute before meeting a punch to the gut by Cena. Cena Whips Punk, who counters, and then Cena hits some shoulder takedowns, and a sidewalk slam. He hits the Five Knuckle Shuffle and goes for the Attitude adjustment, but Punk pushes him off and kicks him right in the face. Punk goes for the cover, but Cena kicks out at two. Punk goes back to the submission, putting Cena’s head in between his legs, but Cena gets him up, and Punk fights his way to safety. Cena reverses and hits a Gutwrench, but Punk gets out of the cover. Cena climbs up on the top rope, but Punk jumps up and kicks him in the head, sending Cena back to the ring. Punk runs across the ring and gives the high knee to Cena before missing the Bulldog, and Cena tries to hit the STF only to get met with a swinging neckbreaker, but Cena kicks out of the cover at two. Punk gets Cena up, but Cena counters and goes for the cover, but Punk kicks out at two. Punk delivers some hard and high kicks and goes for the cover, but Cena kicks out at two again. Punk climbs out of the ring and goes to the top rope, hitting a cross body, but Cena catches him and puts him up for the Attitude Adjustment, and Punk gets the top rope. Cena sends him out of the ring, and Punk gets a chair from someone in Nexus, followed by a wrench. As the ref gets the chair out of the ring, Punk hits Cena with the wrench and hits the Go to Sleep for the win.
CM Punk wins via pinfall.
And there’s the end of RAW! … Oh, wait. It’s still the beginning of RAW…
Josh Matthews is taking the place of Jerry “The King” Lawler because King is taking time off after the death of his mother. Our prayers are with him and his family. But don’t worry, he’ll be at Elimination Chamber.
Still to come, the Wrestlemania guest host!
<COMMERCIAL>
@KeepItFiveStar Mae Young and Mark Henry’s hand is all grown up and it’s joined the Nexus!
@Niki_Sushi Huh. I haven’t heard any rumors about it being Johnny Depp or Ryan Seacrest. If only. #BWF #RAW
@HitTheRopes Michael Cole lies, NOBODY says it will be Vince McMahon
@legendkiller515 cole just sounds like a hater. he got that #hateration going on #bwf
<WWE Slam of the Week: Two weeks ago, Alberto del Rio announces he is going after the World Heavyweight Championship at Wrestlemania, and proceeds to beat Edge upside the face with a guitar, and then gets him in the Cross Arm Breaker.>
Justin Roberts tells us to welcome Ricardo Rodriguez. He says Ladies and gentlemen, something something something something something, something about a suit, something something, Excellent, Mexico, Alberto del Rio. Thank you Spanish Class! … I hope my Spanish teacher doesn’t watch wrestling, or I’m in trouble. And, now there’s a random plug about the Smackdown! Elimination Chamber match! … Cool. Cause RAW is Smackdown now. I guess.
Alberto del Rio says that his name is Alberto del Rio, but we already knew that. This Sunday, it makes no difference to him who wins the Smackdown Elimination Chamber, because just like it was his destiny to win the Royal Rumble, it is his destiny at Wrestlemania to be the World Heavyweight Champion.
You think you know me…
Edge comes down with his World Heavyweight Championship, and I don’t know how he kept it because I didn’t watch. Edge asks Alberto what’s up, and says that the past two weeks he’s been so busy beating Dolph Ziggler on Smackdown that he almost forgot that del Rio attacked him with a guitar. So, he talks about his destiny, and Edge says he has a destiny too. Wanna know what it is? And then Edge takes del Rio off his feet and pummels him. Edge backs into the corner, and starts to go for the Spear, but Ricardo does what he’s paid for and distracts Edge. Del Rio starts to do something to Edge, but Edge Spears him.
Vickie says this Sunday there will be a World Heavyweight Championship match, but first, she’s there to introduce the new – and then has to excuse herself again – World Heavyweight Champion, her amazing boyfriend, Dolph Ziggler! Okay, last Friday, Vickie tries to Spear Edge, but hurts herself, and Edge takes advantage to Spear Dolph. Edge calls for another ref, and Packers linebacker, Clay Matthews went out and counted for the match.
Vickie says that she has told him over and over and over again that if he uses the Spear, he would face the consequences. This Friday night on Smackdown, they will have the official coronation of Dolph Ziggler as the World Heavyweight Champion. So, Edge, you lost the world title on Friday, and he is about to lose something else: his job. Vickie has proof that Edge is the one who assaulted Teddy Long, and then she cackles. Because this really is Smackdown now. I have a headache now.
Coming up next, Natalya’s getting her rematch for the Diva’s Championship in a Lumberjill match.
<VIDEO PACKAGE: The steps of the shack in the rain. We see a figure in the window. We start to see a face, then the candles are blown out. Johnny Cash’s Ain’t No Grave starts again, and the numbers 2.21.11 show up in fire again.>
<COMMERCIAL>
@TKeep123 Vickie reveals she has “PROOF” that Edge attacked Teddy Long…..then she cackles like a hen laying a square egg. #WWE #RAW #BWF #mnbw
@KeepItFiveStar Wow. Sting really grew his hair out long. And grew a goatee. Man, The Undertaker look is coming back in style. …STINNNNNG!!!
@HitTheRopes SO, how does @HeelZiggler feel about Del Rio doing his whole introduction shtick but with a Spanish flair? Remember Dolph’s, Hi my name is..
@Niki_Sushi You attacked me with a guitar. MEET MY BANJO! #BWF #RAW
@FrankWWEClown Vickie Guerrero’s laugh makes puppies run for their lives, makes babies cry, and made me vomit. Talk about a triple whammy. #WWE #RAW
@ccastagnoli Best evil laugh since Ted DiBiase; @excusemewwe
@ThingsColeSays You know what, could 2.21.11 be the return of Triple H?
Tonight, we have another match I don’t want to watch, as the United States Champion Daniel Bryan will go against the WWE Champion, The Miz!
Natalya vs WWE Diva’s Champion Eve Torres for the Diva’s Championship in a LumberJill Match
I hate Lumberjack/jill matches too.
DON’T SHAKE HANDS! Anyway, Natalya gets Eve down on the match, but Eve gets her out of it, and then they do the same thing. The two then try to go for the same move, and respect one another. Natalya with two covers in a row, but Eve kicks out at two. Eve gets Natalya on her back, but not shoulders down, and Natalya fights to her feet. Natalya drags Eve into the ring, and gets her in that surfboard submission, but Eve gets her hands free and flips free, pinning Natalya, who kicks out at two. Natalya gets Eve in a headlock, but Eve fights out and the two of them exchange move, but Eve hits a handspring moonsault and Natalya kicks out of the cover. Natalya hits the spinning clothesline thing and Eve throws Natalya out of the ring. The bellas attack her, and Maryse Alicia and Melina join, but Gail Kim and Tamina try to help her, and do so. Eve then takes out the heel divas, minus Melina, and it looks like Maryse was hurt more. Eve gets back in the ring, and both Divas are down in the center of the ring. Maryse leaves ringside, by the way. Natalya goes in a roll through, but Natalya’s shoulders are down, and Eve retains.
WWE Diva’s Champion Eve Torres wins via pinfall.
Natalya stands up and the two shake hands again, which just infuriates me.
<COMMERCIAL>
@5CornersxSmootx #RAW Alicia Fox looks like a 6ft prostitute with that red hair.
@KeepItFiveStar Oh God! Maryse! Is she okay?! Somebody check on my fallen angel!
@kickoutblog Eve looks like Wonder Woman and Iron Man had a baby.
@legendkiller515 cole sounds like he never got some valentines love as a kid…he needs help! #bwf
@TKeep123 “Lumber-Jack” matches are usually to end some long terrible feud… This is for Eve and Natalya? What’s the point? #WWE #RAW #BWF #mnbw
Eve Torres and the Bellas are arguing backstage. One of the Bellas tries to choke Eve, and Gail comes up to help Eve, and then its Eve, Gail and Natalya against the Bellas in some crappy brawl or another. Well, I could be reviewing two people I don’t like shoving their tongues down their throats.
Cole has a lame ass segue turning back over to The Chaperone as we get a ‘sneak peek’, or, y’know… the trailer again.
<VIDEO PACAKGE: The Chaperone trailer.>
Mark Henry-
Mark Henry starts to come out to the ring, but Sheamus comes out and attacks him from behind, delivering a Brogue Kick to him, and then demands the mic, fella!
Sheamus says that to every fella in the Elimination Chamber, that’s a reminder of what he’s capable of. And if they want an even bigger reminder, they can watch what he does to Randy Orton tonight. A ref gets Henry onto his knees and Sheamus Brogue Kicks him again.
WWE Champion The Miz and Alex Riley make their way to the ring. Oh, and wouldn’t you know it? Michael Tarver’s doin The Creep!
<COMMERCIAL>
@KeepItFiveStar What the hell, Natalya and Gail? Eve started the fight! She ran off at the mouth at The Bellas. Called them fat. Heard a racial slur or two.
@TKeep123 Diva Pile…Diva Pile! I so want to be the back-stage Ref! #WWE #RAW #BWF #mnbw
@HitTheRopes The backstage brawl was slightly better than the actual title match. #WWE
@Niki_Sushi Well. Looks like a Bella is getting fired. Didn’t you learn from leering at Daniel that choking is BAD? #BWF #RAW
@CMPunkSays I figured it out. Michael Tarver has been dead the whole time, BUT HE DOESN’T KNOW IT. #WWE #AsDirectedByMNightShyamalan
@KeepItFiveStar LOL Michael Tarver should come out The Creep by The Lonely Island featuring Nicki Minaj
@Niki_Sushi And he’s out! See ya later, Mark! Nice seeing you. #BWF #RAW #SameTimeNextWeek
@ThingsColeSays HAHAHAHAHAHA, MIZ JUST SHOVED DOWN CENA’S BEST BACKSTAGE FRIEND.
@kickoutblog Okay, Miz shoving that guy was hilarious.
@AkatsukiArtist @kickoutblog HE JUST SHOVED STAN
@kickoutblog Good thing Alex Riley keeps Miz’s soul in that briefcase, otherwise Michael Tarver would’ve enjoyed a late dinner
@JonHexLives The Miz shoving random backstage guy was easily the best thing he’s done since stealing Angry Miz Girl’s Slammy. #WWE #RAW #BWF
<VIDEO PACKAGE: Last Monday, Jerry “The King” Lawler and United States Champion Daniel Bryan defeated Ted DiBiase and WWE Champion The Miz>
AWESOME!
WWE Champion The Miz with Alex Riley vs United States Champion Daniel Bryan
It looks like Alex Riley is on commentary again, which really kind of sucks. Though, I did laugh at Cole and Riley shaking hands, and then Cole backhanding Matthews. I did laugh.
Miz and Bryan circle one another, and lock up, Miz getting Bryan in a headlock. Miz then knocks Bryan down. The two lock up again, and Bryan gets a few arm drags on Miz. Miz elbows Bryan, and then avoids Bryan’s kick, only to get hit by two missile dropkicks in a row, and Miz kicks him in the face. Miz then attacks Bryan repeatedly. I’d go into more detail, but the damn cameras keep going to the announce table. Miz puts pressure on Bryan’s jaw, putting him in a headlock, and Bryan fights out. Bryan runs at Miz, but they both fall over and have a ‘what the fuck?!’ moment, and Bryan puts Miz in a headlock. Miz Whips Bryan and then elbows him so hard that Miz is knocked over too before going to the cover. Bryan kicks out, and Miz comes back at him, putting Bryan in a headlock. Bryan and Miz duke it out with a few hits, and then Bryan Whips Miz, who counters and then Bryan flips out of the corner and retaliates with a clothesline. Miz gets up in the corner and Bryan plants his feet in Miz’ chest before going for the cover, but Miz kicks out. Miz plays possum and fights back, but Bryan drops him on the outside of the ring. Miz stands up, Bryan runs at him, but Miz moves. Bryan then launches himself at Miz outside the ring. Bryan throws Miz back into the ring and goes up top, and plants his feet in Miz’s chest again, but Miz kicks out of the cover at two. Miz is on his feet, and he is lured into the LaBell Lock, but Miz gets to the ropes first. The two seem to fight for a minute in the ropes before Miz hits a neckbreaker and deposits Bryan outside the ring.
<COMMERCIAL>
@KeepItFiveStar OH! What a neckbreaker by Miz! Damn!
@Niki_Sushi NO! WHY CAN’T I EVER ESCAPE!? I’m going to start crying every time I heard this damn song now. Daniel, just… go away. Please. #BWF #RAW
We come back to Miz in control, and he gets Bryan up on the top rope, delivering some this to him. Miz tries to go for the suplex that no one seems able to hit anymore, and he manages to get Miz from the top to the ring on his back in record time, but Miz still kicks out from the cover. Bryan’s on his feet first and delivers some hard kicks to Miz’ chest, rapid-fire. Miz ducks under his next one and goes for a cover, but Bryan kicks out at two. Miz does it again, but Bryan kicks out again. Miz starts to drop Bryan onto his knee, but Bryan counters and kicks him in the chest again, but Miz kicks out of the cover at two. Bryan tries to get the LaBell Lock in again, but Miz gets up to his feet, and Bryan jumps onto his shoulders before dropping Bryan right on his face. Miz hits the Skull Crushing Finale for the win.
WWE Champion The Miz wins via pinfall.
Miz stays in the ring after his match and asks if everyone saw what he did to the United States Champion Daniel Bryan? He knows everyone saw what he did, but there’s one person that didn’t see: Jerry “The King” Lawler. We all know Jerry’s unfortunately not here tonight, because his mother passed away. Therefore, Miz would like to take this moment to offer his sincere condolences. And yet he still gets boo’d. However, Miz says, he hopes that Jerry doesn’t use this as an excuse as to why he loses his match on Sunday at the Elimination Chamber. Because if Miz wants him to hear one thing, it is that The Miz will still be WWE Champion because he’s The Miz and he’s AWESOME!
Apparently, the rumors about the host of Wrestlemania have included every celebrity. I heard it’d even be Elvis!
<COMMERCIAL>
@KeepItFiveStar That could’ve went down a really bad road. Thankfully it didn’t! #MizIsAwesome
@CMPunkSays HE’S GOING FOR THE NUCLEAR HEAT #Miz #WWE
@BrdWrstlngFn I see a lot of hate for @MikeTheMiz on here. Means he’s doing his job. Keep up the good work, Miz!
@HitTheRopes Lol, people starting freaking out thinking the WWE would have Miz go in on Lawler’s tragedy. Good job there WWE. Respectful and sells match
Michael McGuillicutty and David Otunga with Mason Ryan vs John Morrison and R-Truth
HOLY SHIT TRUTH’S DREADS ARE GONE! Oh, not they aren’t.
During the commercial, the RAW GM made this match to allow Truth and Morrison a chance at revenge, or something. Truth starts out with McGuillicutty and starts beating him up, but McGuillicutty fights back, only to get beat again. Morrison has some red around his eyes, and Otunga distracts the ref, so Morrison goes to get him, and Ryan gets Truth out of the ring and kicks him in the ribs. McGuillicutty climbs out of the ring and rams him kidney-first into the apron before hitting him again. McGuillicutty throws him into the ring and goes for the cover, but Truth kicks out at two. McGuillicutty tags in Otunga, who suplexes Truth and goes for a cover, only for Truth to kick out. Cole and Matthews argue over Punk’s victory as Otunga works on weakening Truth. Truth fights back and dodges a wild clothesline before dropping Otunga on his neck. Truth and Otunga are both down in the middle of the ring and Morrison gets in against Otunga. Morrison drops Otunga and hits him repeatedly, obviously furious about the attack on him last week. Otunga tags McGuillicutty in, but Morrison doesn’t care. He’s gone Hulk, and proceeds to just beat the shit out of McGuillicutty now. I’m not sure if the ref or Truth are safe either. Morrison works harder on kicking the shit out of McGuillicutty, and the ref finally gets him off of Otunga, and Morrison kicks Ryan away from the ring before sending Truth out on Ryan. Morrison kicks, or knees, McGuillicutty in the face and pins him for the win.
R-Truth and The Hulk John Morrison win.
Mason Ryan attacks Morrison from behind, but Morrison and Truth fight him out. The ref raises his hand and Morrison jerks it away to glare threateningly at Nexus.
Chris Jericho’s new autobiography, Undisputed, is available Wednesday! It’d be the perfect late Valentine’s Day present for your favorite RAW Reviewer, just so you know…
Coming up, the guest host of Wrestlemania will be announced, and Randy Orton and Sheamus will go one-on-one.
<COMMERCIAL>
@CMPunkSays Did John Morrison just activate Devil Trigger? #WWE
@KeepItFiveStar John Morrison’s traded in the Parkour for Hardcore! He is PISSED!
@Niki_Sushi No, it goes like this. ‘JoMo used DUCT TAPE! It’s SUPER EFFECTIVE!’ #BWF #RAW
@JRosz78 At least they didn’t give that crackhead R-Fail a mic to fuck up this week! #RAW #WWE #BWF
The co-star to Triple H in The Chaperone is here, Ariel Winter, I mean. She says that she’s excited to be in the ring on Monday Night RAW. Good for her. As we know, in The Chaperone, Triple H plays her father. Not only is tonight Valentine’s Day, but tonight is the night for the Khali Kiss Cam, and I think Cole reacted with my reaction. Ugh.
Khali says something and I heard Kiss Cam, and I think he said BLAH BLAH BLAH! Ranjin says that he said Welcome to a special Valentine’s Day Kiss Cam! For the first time ever, Khali won’t be kissing anyone, but everyone else, backstage or in the front, gets to kiss. Audience, audience, Santino and Tamina, (with the Cobra trying to kiss), then Vickie and Dolph (who looks disgusted), audience, Maryse and Ted (and Maryse totally says no and kisses Yoshi instead!), Zack and Regal (OMG REGAL KISSED HIM!), audience, Hornswoggle?! Horny comes out with chocolates for Ariel, which is cute. He gives her the box, and then goes to leave, but she kisses his cheek. He hugs her and lifts her, spinning her around. Ariel then totally loses the chocolates all over the ring.
Still to come, that stuff I said before was still to come.
Randy Orton is making his way to the ring!
<COMMERCIAL>
@kickoutblog William Regal is so manly, he’s totally comfortable with kissing another man.
@KeepItFiveStar OHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! YOSHI TATSU GET YOU SOME!!!
@HitTheRopes Ariel Winter’s jacket is cool. And she dances better than Khali, not that that is difficult.
@Niki_Sushi Regal is my damn hero. Not many men are comfortable enough with themselves to kiss another man. #BWF #RAW
@KeepItFiveStar Awww. Chocolate botch! Mark Henry’s like “I’m on my way!” *Mark Henry runs to the ring with Ultimate Warrior like speed*
@FrankWWEClown Hornswoggle, that’s illegal. You have a full beard. That girl is like 10 years old. You little creep, you. #WWE #RAW
@HitTheRopes William Regal just wanted to get Zacked! @ZackRyder
@CMPunkSays REGAL! You cheeky bugger, you. #WWE
@kickoutblog Chris Hansen returns to Dateline NBC this week with “To Catch A Leprechaun”
@TKeep123 Next week Chaperone HHH shows up to kick the crap out of Hornswaggle for sleazing on his ‘daughter’… #WWE #RAW #BWF
@JRosz78 #RAW was goin so well then they throw this PG kid crap in there! SMH #RAW #BWF
<VIDEO PACKAGE: Repeat of the above 2.21.11 teaser.>
Tonight’s order is screwing with me… Seriously… Shouldn’t the Wrestlemania guest host announcement come before this match? Aw, whatever.
King Sheamus vs Randy Orton
Orton comes out to the ring and looks over his shoulder, just in case.
Orton and Sheamus lock up, and trip over one another against the ropes. Orton backs up and Sheamus kicks him, hitting some hard hits before Whipping Orton, but Orton counters and takes Sheamus down before pounding on him and stomping on his head. He then goes to drop his knee on Sheamus, but Sheamus moves and hits him back, punching him in the head. Sheamus punches Orton, and Orton retaliates with a back breaker. Orton then drops the knee on Sheamus and goes for a cover, but Sheamus kicks out at two. Sheamus shoves Orton’s face into the turnbuckle, and then Sheamus takes Orton down with a clothesline. Sheamus goes for a cover, but Orton powers out. Sheamus steps on Orton’s chest before pushing Orton’s neck into the middle rope. Sheamus hits Orton’s chest with five or six hard forearms, and then drives his thigh into Orton’s face. Orton gets up and Sheamus swan dives into the ring and takes Orton down, going for a cover, but Orton kicks out at two. Sheamus goes for a submission, but Orton fights quickly to his feet, and Sheamus holds on, getting Orton back on the ring mat. Orton fights back up and fights out of the submission, delivering some head butts before getting kicked, but retaliating with two clotheslines and a scoop slam. He Whips Sheamus, and then kicks him in the chest, going for something, but Sheamus hits the Irish Curse Backbreaker, and Orton kicks out of the following cover at two. Sheamus punches him in the head and then puts him on the top rope. Orton takes a hit, and then Sheamus goes for the super plex, and Sheamus hits the super plex! Sheamus gets up, but Randy hits the RKO out of nowhere!
Randy Orton wins via pinfall.
Punk slides into the ring with the New Nexus right after Orton’s victory, and John Morrison comes out to help Orton, followed by R-Truth and finally John Cena. Randy RKOs Otunga, then McGuillicutty, and then attacks Ryan, before Cena and Randy both throw Ryan out, and Punk tries to get Randy in the Go to Sleep, but Randy counters and pushes Punk to Cena, who hits the Attitude Adjustment.
Backstage, a limo pulls up. The door opens, and heels are what come out of the limo.
<COMMERCIAL>
@KeepItFiveStar Sheamus is like an RKO Magnet
@kickoutblog I actually think Sheamus and Orton have chemistry, they just haven’t found the right mixture yet. #SCIENCE
@KeepItFiveStar IT’S A SHAMEFUL THING! LOBSTER HEAD!!
@ThingsColeSays TOO MANY LIMES, TOO MANY LIMES!
@Niki_Sushi I’m open to just about anyone, but if it’s Stephanie McMahon, I’m going to whip her with Cole’s tie.. using Daniel’s arms. #BWF #RAW
And the host of Wrestlemania 27 is…
IF YOU SMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELL!!!!!!!!
The Rock has finally returned to the WWE, and what a way to do it! He gets an absolutely astounding pop, so much so that I actually turned down my TV a little to try to save my head from exploding. Then again, it already hurts, so… yeah.
Silence, jabronis! The Rock has a microphone!
Rock goes to speak, but they start cheering him again.
Rock says after seven long years, finally, finally, finally the Rock has come back to Anaheim! Which means, finally, the Rock has come back to Monday Night RAW! Which means, finally, the Rock has come back home. Before The Rock gets into that, before we electrify, before we turn this out tonight, for those of you who don’t know, the Rock has many nicknames: The Great One, The Most Electrifying Man in All of Entertainment, The People’s Champion. But he wants to tell us something that’s important right now, as Dwayne. It’s been a long time since he’s been back. Seven years, to be exact. But he wants to take this moment, in the middle of this ring, to tell us why he’s back. It’s not because of the money, it’s not to promote a movie, he is back in the middle of this ring, because of us, the WWE Universe. When he left the WWE seven years ago, he dreamed big, and we dreamed big with him, and we helped him to do that because we never left his side. And he wants to take a moment to tell everyone here, millions watching around the world, thank you, he loves us, and it is because of us that he is back, and it is because of us, and he gives us his word, that he is never ever going away. Simply put, the Rock is back. He’s back because he wanted to do something unprecedented, host Wrestlemania! So it happened, Rock called Mr. McMahon. McMahon knew why he was caling, there was only one man electrifying enough, who can captivate the world, Rock, that man can only be, Justin Beiber-?! But Rock told Vince, no no no nononono. The Rock knows Justin, he’s cool, but make no mistake about it, there’s only one man capable enough host Wrestlemania, The ROCK! I forgot how fast this man talks. The Rock is going to Wrestlemania, is hosting Wrestlemania, and at the drop of a dime, the Rock with Layeth the Smackdown at Wrestlemania! But, to who? That’s the question. Could it be the WWE Champion, The Miz? Rock hears “I’m awesome” all the time. If you gotta run around telling everyone how awesome you are, it means you completely suck. But, there’s one more man, who the Rock wants to see, one more man the Rock is gonna see:
Cole says he has gotten an email, and Rock says WHOA! Rock says that if Cole takes one more step toward that computer, the Rock will slap the taste out of his mouth so hard he’ll never get it back. Does Cole think that Rock is going to let him interrupt Rock when he’s live on RAW? Does he actually think that anyone gives a damn what the General Manager has to say? Cole, is that what you think? Cole says – IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK! And what you do, Cole, is sit your ass down, take off your headset and don’t say a word. And Rock Quotes: “Know your damn role and shut your damn mouth.” Cause if he doesn’t, Rock will post some cool pictures on the Rock’s FaceBook. Facebook.com/DwayneJohnson. If Cole does it, Rock will step out of that ring, go over to the computer, shine it up nice, turn it sideways, and stick it straight up Michael Cole’s candy ass! Rock calls him a drunk hobbit and tells him to sit down.
Cole is pouting. It’s epic.
There is one man who the Rock is going to see, one man who the Rock has to see face-to-face. A guy who he met and thought was a cool guy, wished him well, happy for his success, and when the Rock leaves, he starts talking trash about the Rock. Rock doesn’t know and doesn’t care, and that’s John Cena. So, let Rock get this straight: The WWE has gone from the powerful Austin 3:16 to the Dominant and Iconic Can You Smell What the Rock is Cookin’, to… you can’t see me? What, are you playing Peek-a-boo? Believe Rock, we can all see you. A blindfolded, sleeping, stuck-in-the-basement Stevie Wonder can see your ass. How the hell do you think we can miss? Bright ass purple, green, orange shirt, lookin like a big fat bowl of Fruity Pebbles. Cena, Rock will see you at Wrestlemania. Just like the Rock will see Miz, and just like he will see everyone, and just as sure as the Rock turns Wrestlemania into the most epic Wrestlemania ever, and just as sure as Rock guarantees that he’ll show he’s the most electric man in entertainment, layeth the Smackdown at any moment, the Rock and the millions, and the millions, and the millions of the Rock’s fans go to Wrestlemania and electrify, if you smell-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l what the Rock….
….
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
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…
Is cookin.
Well. There’s RAW. While I’m very glad that Rock is back, I think that they should have cut his mic time in like… half. I’m exhausted. Anyway, excited for Wrestlemania now! See you all next week.
The title of tonight’s episode is “Head Games.” Ok, obviously there is psychological side of angles and storylines, but this title ALSO implies the punditry of Mr. Anderson’s concussion storyline. Because head trauma is funny. We get it… Credits and whatnot roll… I hope you’ve got your suffering boots on, friend. Because we trek through the mire and fens together as you read the experience of watching iMPACT with me…
