RYTMAN’S RECAP – RAW 05/06/2013
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We open with a “special report” of Paul Heyman and Brock Lesnar “invading” WWE headquarters. We are shown stills, and told there is more to come later.
We recap Ryback leaving Cena to the mercy of The Shield (who has none.)
Monday Night RAHHHHHHHH opens with John Cena running to the ring, because you want to do that w/a bad heel. The announce team of Michael Cole, John Bradshaw Layfield, and Jerry Lawler sell the injury more than he does.
Cena helps himself to Daniel Bryan’s “YES/NO” gimmick, and explains that competing in the main event last week wasn’t good for his hurt foot, and he hasn’t been 100% since 2005, but that will not stop him from defending the title at Extreme Rules.
Managing Supervisor of RAW, Vicki Guerrero makes her entrance w/her standard “EXCUSE ME!” shtick, which has REALLY run out of steam to confront Cena. She calls out Ryback wanting to give them both the chance to be heard regarding their match at Extreme Rules.
Vicki asks John to tell us what kind of stipulation he wants for the title match. Cena offers Ryback the options of “running away like a scared little girl match,” where you win by running away first, or a “bitching contest.” Cena tells Vicki she can make it a “Vicki’s Granny Panties on A Pole Match,” but quickly changes his mind.
“No man, woman or child should have to see that…” – @JohnCena, #RAW
Ryback responds by saying he’s smart enough to walk away from a fight at the wrong time. He chooses to make it a Last Man Standing match (and I think calls Cena “Shawn” by accident.)
Rytman Remark: Considering the last two “Last Man standing” matches they’ve done, I’m starting to think these guys just want an excuse to tie each other up in duct-tape. (Cock Talk, Sunday @ 4p.m. on Mixlr, after BWF Radio @ 2p.m., 1 p.m. in my area. Believe me that can be really uncomfortable.)
We’re reminded of the Heyman/Lesnar “invasion” that we’ll be seeing later tonight, as Ran-dal KEETH Or-ton makes his way out to the ring.
Back from break, we’re shown a clip from Smackdown of Or-Ton defeating Sandow, Big Show distracting Orton, allowing Sandow to hit him w/the “term-in-ous,” after their match.
Sandow makes his entrance w/his own take on Orton’s theme…
“And now a song…”
“Randy has voices inside his head, just watching him puts me to bed, puts me to sleep…”
“Randy walks down here on this ramp, his expression stays the same…”
“Does his pose up in the corner, can’t think of anything more lame…”
“All his tattoos are disgusting…”
“All that oil on him is heinous…”
“I guess you get to sit back and watch me beat this ignoramus…” – Damien Sandow
“You’re Welcome.” – Damien Sandow
RANDY ORTON DEF. DAMIEN SANDOW – A riled up Orton goes right after Sandow. Sandow escapes to the outside, but Orton goes right after him. Sandow rolls in/out of the ring w/Orton still on top of him. Sandow counters a D.D.T. by backing Orton into the guard rail. Orton takes control right back w/an inverted neck-breaker and dominates as we go to break.
We come back with Sandow in control w/a chin-lock (what irony.) Sandow beats Orton down and hits the “elbow of disdain.” Orton fights out and takes over again w/scoop-slams, a drop-kick, D.D.T. off the second rope, and the RKO.
After the match, Big Show comes out of nowhere and clocks Orton w/the big right hand as Orton makes his way up the ramp.
Rytman Remark: Sandow is a brilliant heel. Too bad he’s in WWE.
Later tonight, World Heavyweight Champion Dolph Ziggler meets Alberto Del Rio one-on-one.
Next up is Fandango, who we see rehearsing w/his dance partner, NOT SUMMER RAE!
DUN-DUN-DUHHHHHN!
Back from break THE WALLS DOWN!
JERICHO IS HERE! Jericho comes out in all his sparkly jacket glory as we take a look back at him brutalizing FAHN-Johnny Curtis back in London, and stealing a dance from Summer Rae.
RAW IS JERICHO!!! And we know that Fan-Dumbo is coming out next, Jericho has decided to put together a judge’s panel to critique Fan-Dodge Durango, Fan-Dimple, Fan-Dingle berry, Fan-Day Glow, Fan-doodle, Fan-GOIN TO A GO-GO! DON’TCHA WANNA GO!? Jericho introduces our judges, Tons of Funk w/the Funkadactyls,
Johnny Curtis (I AM NOT PLAYING ALONG ANYMORE!) makes his entrance, led out by a lovely lady who is NOT SUMMER RAE!
DUN-DUN-DUHHHN!
Nor is she bringing up three very lovely girls.
The judges give Johnny a two, a one, and a two, for his entrance. Johnny gets angry, Johnny gets mad, and Johnny brings up Jericho’s “failure” on Dancing with The Stars, saying it doesn’t make him an expert.
R-Truth is out and apparently he will face off w/Curtis tonight.
R-TRUTH DEF. JOHNNY-OK FINE-FAHN-DAHN-GO! – The two men put together less than a minutes worth of spots until Fahn-fuck it, the dancer guy rolls to the outside. R-Truth gives us a few steps, and the judges give him a ten, a ten, and a 42 because Brodus can’t find his ten. An angry dancer grabs his date and takes a count-out loss.
“Who do these judges work for? Don King?” – @JCLayfield, #RAW
Rytman Remark: “Phuck you.”
We come back from break to see Triple H doing a spot for the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer foundation for mother’s day.
We take a look at Ryback getting the win over Daniel Bryan on Smackdown last Friday, followed by Bryan taking a beating from the Shield. Bryan gets interviewed by Josh Matthews, and challenges Ryback to a rematch. Ryback comes out to refuse and call Bryan half the man that he is. Kane is up in Ryback’s face, making a challenge of his own. Ryback says Kane isn’t the monster he used to be, gives him the hash tag (#Ryback Rules,) and walks off.
Back at ringside, Ricardo Rodriguez is out to introduce ALBERTOOOOOOOOO DELLLLLLL RRRRRRRIO! He’s facing Dolph Ziggler and friends next.
Rytman Remark: Dolph Ziggler and friends will be the next animated cartoon produced by WWE. Dolph, Big E. and AJ will all be teens going to school in outer-space and solving mysteries while singing fake pop-songs…
…
…
(Rytman just starts crying.)
ALBERTO DEL RIO (w/Ricardo Rodriguez) DEF. WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION DOLPH ZIGGLER (w/AJ and Big E.) BY DQ – We’re shown a replay of Del Rio getting a submission win over Ziggler in a three-way tag match on the last Smackdown as the Dolph-tourage (Copyright; Robert Rytman) makes their way to the ring. The match itself is a back-and-forth of spots until Jack Swagger and Zeb Coulter make their way out to join on commentary. Zeb mentions slapping Big E. in the face and how he could beat the French. Big E. grabs ADR by the face and tosses him into Swagger. Swagger takes Big E. into the post and grabs a ladder from under the ring. Ricardo tries to stop him, but gets tossed and brutalized w/the ladder. Swagger goes off on Del Rio and Ziggler w/the ladder, and walks off w/Zeb, leaving their opponents scattered all over the ring.
We get a recap of Ryback choosing the stipulation for his match w/Cena and go to break.
Rytman Remark: Why did Del Rio choose a type of match where not only do his opponents have the same experience and success rate as him, but one where he has to climb on a bad leg?
We’re back, and talking about WWE’s new partnership w/Yahoo, which will bring us a RAW online pre-show because meatloaf.
It makes as much sense as anything else.
Backstage: Kaitlin and the Funkadactyls are discussing her “secret admirer.” Naomi jokes about him being a stalker, and locking her up in a basement because violence towards women is always funny (Cock Talk, 4 p.m. Sunday on Mixlr, after BWF Radio @ 2 p.m. Eastern, 1 p.m. in my area. Believe me, it hurts.) Natalya offers to have the Great Khali go “undercover” in the men’s locker room (Cock Talk – Sunday 4 p.m. after BWF Radio @ 2 p.m. Eastern on Mixlr,) to find out who it is (Hornswoggle.) Everybody leaves, and the Bellas step out from behind a curtain where they were eavesdropping because apparently this is now a Hanna-Barbera cartoon.
Rytman Remark: Anyone besides me wanna duct-tape the Bellas to a BBQ spit? I’m just asking.
The Shield is out. They make their way to the ring as we take a look back at Dean Ambrose getting a win over Kane on Smackdown last Friday. They’re in tag team action after the break.
THE SHIELD DEF. WWE U.S. CHAMPION KOFI KINGSTON AND THE USOS – Usos start off strong but Roman Reigns soon turns the tide. Kofi gets a hot tag and hits most of his spots. Match breaks down into a brawl, and Kofi gets shoved off the top rope. Ambrose ends this w/a Short-step Bulldog on Kofi for the three-count.
This Wednesday on Main Event, Antonio Cesaro will face Randy Orton. As Cesaro comes to the ring, we’re shown a recap – picking up a pattern here people? – of the AMAZING Cesaro/Kingston U.S. title match where Kofi defended successfully, and walked away… less successfully, being ambushed and partially Scalped by Cesaro.
ANTONIO CESARO DEF. ZACK RYDER BUT YOU SHOULD’VE KNOWN THAT THE MOMENT I TYPED “ZA…” – Ryder gets in a few offensive spots, but Cesaro dominates this w/his combo of strength, mat wrestling, and brute force. This ends with a neutralizer and a three-count for Cesaro.
Cesaro grabs the mike, makes a “World’s most interesting man,” reference and runs down a list of WWE programming…
“I put the “W” in @WWE. There’s nobody on NXT, Saturday Morning Slam, Superstars, Main Event, Smackdown, and Monday Night #Raw that can hold a candle to what I can do in this ring.” – @AntonioCesaro
Okay, so this is our main course for the evening, the “invasion” of WWE HQ by Heyman and Lesnar. We’re shown some security footage stills of the two entering the building, and then we go to break.
Back from break, we’re live w/Paul Heyman via satellite. He gives us an exclusive video of him and Lesnar entering WWE HQ, threatening WWE employees, and trashing Triple H’s office, because one of the greatest minds in wrestling thought it would be a good idea to make a video of his client committing a felony.
“The destruction in this office is exactly what awaits @TripleH when he steps inside the #SteelCage at #ExtremeRules!” @HeymanHustle #RAW
“@BrockLesnar is going to take @TripleH to the EXTREME. And then, he’ll go further … and further … and further….” – @HeymanHustle
TIME TO PLAY THE GAAAAAAAAAAME!!!
Triple H is out to say Heyman looks like a baby chick, and remind us all he was the founding father of Degeneration X and the one who knocked Lesnar out at Wrestlemania. He then talks about the trashing of his office…
“I’m standing in my other office … and this office has one hell of a view! … This office is more like my home!” – @TripleH, #RAW
And this is my favorite moment of the night. Triple H finishes his promo, then there’s a moment of awkward silence – which is another theme of the night – And that’s when the crowd realizes he’s waiting for them! HE HAS TO CUE THE CROWD TO CHEER!
Rytman Remark: HE HAS TO CUE THE CROWD TO CHEER!
We go to break.
We come back to AJ and the Bellas walking out for their six diva tag match against Kaitlin/the Funkadactyls. This is followed by a promo for the new E! Show, “Total Divas,” which I’m guessing will focus on the Bellas.
WWE DIVA’S CHAMPION KAITLIN/THE FUNKADACTYLS (NAOMI/CAMERON) VS. AJ LEE/THE BELLA SISTERS – AJ dominates Cameron, Cameron is a screamer, (Cock Talk – Sunday 4 p.m. after BWF Radio @ 2 p.m. Eastern on Mixlr,) AJ hits her w/two neck-breakers without letting her go, (nifty.) Cameron takes over, tags in Kaitlyn, AJ goes for a tag, the Bellas bail on her, AJ takes a spear by Kaitlyn for the three-count.
“She just pinned all three personalities!” – @JCLayfield #RAW
Rytman: When did this Kaitlin get three personalities?
Mark Henry is next after the break.
“Be a Star,” promo with P. Diddy, the guy I personally think killed Biggie/Tupac.
Mark Henry is out here to cut a promo on Sheamus acting real tough. That’s where the problem is. Henry doesn’t have to act tough. He Is Tough. Henry shows us him jumping Sheamus during interviews on Smackdown and RAW.
Sheamus interrupts Henry with his entrance. He shows us the parts of the video he left out. Sheamus shows us him punking out Henry in a tug of war on RAW, and an arm wrestling match on Smackdown.
Henry tells Sheamus he shouldn’t be joking around. Sheamus calls Henry a bear w/a sore head. They get ready to fight right there and then, and Barrett comes out.
Barrett vs. Sheamus after the break
SHEAMUS DEF. WWE INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMP WADE BARRETT – During the break, Henry joined the commentary team and apparently Cole made Henry mad. Henry calls Cole “ate up with Stupid,” and tells Bradshaw to carry this like always. Everyone takes turns telling Cole to shut-up. During the match, Sheamus FAKES OUT tossing Barrett into Henry. Henry flinches and spills out of the chair. Henry gets mad and runs into a Brogue kick by Sheamus. Henry is down, and for a moment I think he’s hurt legit when trainers rush over to him. This is just a ruse however, so Henry can pull a belt off the attendant and go after Sheamus. Sheamus hits “White Noise” and the Brogue Kick on Barrett for the three-count. Sheamus is beaten down with the belt and take a “World’s Strongest Slam” on the arena floor. Henry walks off. Attendants try to help Sheamus.
Rytman: A lot about tonight’s show could be considered “ate up w/stupid.” And I’m sorry, but I’m starting to hate JBL more than Cole.
Back from break, we get the major announcement we’ve all been waiting for… next week, it’s official!
JERICHO!
VS.
FANDANGO!
IN A DANCE OFF!
We get another re-cap of the Heyman/Lesnar “Invasion” and we move on to our Main Event…
RYTMAN: AN ACTUAL WRESTLING MATCH! TWO WEEKS IN A ROW! THE MAIN EVENT IS A WRESTLING MATCH!
WHOOPDEE-PHUCKIN’-DOO!
RYBACK DEF. WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPION KANE – Ryback will be on Jericho’s Highlight Reel this Friday on Smackdown. This match is a hard fought brawl, with the momentum going back and forth. Ryback sends Kane into the guard rail and takes over as we go to break…
Ryback is still in control as we come back, until he runs into a boot from Kane. Kane dominates Ryback until he runs into a spine-buster. Kane counters a Shell-Shock attempt w/a suplex, but makes the mistake of taking this fight to the top rope. Ryback crotches Kane and hits the Shell-Shock for a three-count.
SIERRA, HOTEL, INDIA, ECHO, LIMA, DELTA, BELIVE IN THE SHIELD…
Everyone’s favorite militia makes their appearance. Ryback bails as Daniel Bryan runs to the aid of Kane, followed by WWE Champion John Cena. Cena and Bryan manage to fight off the hounds of justice pretty well by themselves. Ryback has a chair and takes a few weak swings at the Shield, but really unloads on Cena with it as Cena tries to AA Roman Reigns. RAW ends w/Ryback; standing over a fallen John Cena.
Rytman’s Review: …
…
…
Ugh.
That’s it, that’s all I have.
Last week, you could at least give them credit for having a few solid, if predictable matches. This week had NOTHING! The slight amount of actual in-ring action was more like filler than any of the dumb skits. I’ll give them credit for making Swagger, Cesaro, and even Ryback looking strong here, but that’s it.
In conclusion, I wonder if WWE even wants to do RAW anymore.