I’m totally looking forward to this. I have no desk, so I’m pretty much trying to make myself a space as I go, and this show has sucked for the last three weeks. Plus I’ve already seen the first 30 minutes of this show, and it doesn’t look promising, although a text from Jorge of BWF Radio (Sundays at 2PM Eastern on Ustream) claims that I might want to order WWE Payback after I watch tonight’s show. So, let’s go.
I watch 30 minutes of RAW, leave for work, avoid spoilers like (and from) the plague, and then watch the entire show when I get here. That’s how ThinkSoJoE’s RAW reviews work. Also, I play by my own rules. Screw you, SmackDown review!
A few days ago, the BoredWrestlingFan staff brought you their WrestleMania predictions podcast featuring Brian Muller of Lost Elysium and Gary Barnidge of the Cleveland Browns. It was brought to my attention that the advertised time of the podcast did not match the length of the MP3 that accompanied it. Upon further review, the ending was somehow cut off. Rather than fix the MP3 that was already available, I have decided to add the complete discussion of the WWE Championship match between The Rock and John Cena, and the ending to the show, as a separate file. Mostly so iTunes would pick it up. So. Enjoy.
Well since this week’s episode is gonna be all about Wrestlemaina 29 I’m gonna give you all the results of Main Event here and now so we no one misses out on it. So here’s what went on. (more…)
Hokay. This is WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY late. What I’m going to do here is recap a replay of last night’s RAW. This is for two reasons, I need more practice in real-time recapping, and I owe BWF my RAW recap.
So here we go!
We open with a recap of Elimination Chamber from Sunday. Alberto Del Rio beat the Big Show, Jack Swagger won the Chamber, and C.M. Punk lost. We get a reminder that Cena’s road to Wrestlemania starts tonight.
Live in the Cajun Dome! Cena’s out to address the WWE universe, and we’re reminded that it’s Cena vs. Rock for the WWE title. John reminds everyone that it’ll be John Cena vs. The Rock, and that’s when Punk comes out.
Punk accuses Cena of taking the easy way out. Punk says Rock beat him fair and square on Sunday, if you disregard the fact that Rock hit an official, and Punk had him pinned for “an 18 count.” Cena tells him to “sit this one out,” and “for once, it’s not about C.M. Punk.” Punk disagrees, reminding Cena how he brought prestige to the WWE title, and how Cena can’t beat the Rock, and how he’s never beat Punk. Punk tells him to walk away. Cena makes it clear he will not. Cena concedes that he hasn’t beat the Rock, and if he can’t beat Punk, then he doesn’t deserve the title shot. Cena agrees to give Punk the shot at Wrestlemania if Punk can beat him in a match, right here, right now. Punk decides to do this on his terms, and since he shouldn’t even be in this position, he decides to do this next week. Cena makes it official. Punk vs. Cena, Wrestlemania headline title shot on the line, next Monday.
We get an announcement that tonight will be the Rock’s championship celebration, and The World’s Strongest Man, Mark Henry, is up next.0
We’re back. We get a picture of Thomas Jefferson and one of his quotes as part of a “president’s day” tribute.
“ONE MAN WITH COURAGE IS A MAJORITY.” – Thomas Jefferson
Backstage with Sheamus and Matt Striker. Sheamus doesn’t know what went wrong last night, they were supposed to get revenge on the Shield, but didn’t. Ryback walks into frame and Sheamus call him a neanderthall. Ryback and Sheamus get up into each others’ face, when Chris Jericho steps in. He gets them to stop fighting and offers them a chance to team up with him in a six-man against the Shield. Sheamus and Ryback agree.
“FEED ME SHIELD” – Ryback
SIN CARA VS MARK HENRY
This was an out-and-out squash. Sin Cara got in one kick to the head, but it ends with a powerslam and a “world’s strongest slam.”
WINNER: MARK HENRY
Henry bullies the ref out of the ring and turns his attention to the fallen Sin Cara. Great Khali strides out (slowly) and after a stare-down, teasing a fight, Henry bails.
“IF I WANNA DANCE, I GIVE EM’ THAT. YOU DANCE, THAT’S ALL YOU GOOD FOR ANYWAY.” – Mark Henry
We go to a recap of the U.S. title match at Elimination Chamber, between the Miz and Champion Antonio Cesaro. We see Miz drop knee first into Cesaro’s groin, and get dq’d.
Vicki Guerro announces the six-man main event for tonight – Jericho, Sheamus, and Ryback vs The Shield via Twitter.
When we come back, Miz vs. Cesaro, NO DQ!
We’re back with a promo for FANDANGO, comming soon.
Miz is in the ring w’a taped-up shoulder and arm. We get a recap of last Monday’s RAW when Cesaro swung him into the guardrail.
NO DQ MATCH-U.S. CHAMPION ANTONIO CESARO VS THE MIZ
Miz starts strong, but the match goes out to the floor and Cesaro sends the bad arm into the post. Cesaro throws Miz back in the ring with some chairs and a kendo stick. Cesaro wedges a chair between two turnbuckles in the corner, and tries to drive the Miz shoulder-first into it. Miz counters a few times and Cesaro has more luck with the Kendo stick. Cesar pins the bad shoulder of Miz between his knee and a chair, and works the arm. Cesaro sets Miz up in the corner for a charge, but Miz gets a shot to the face. Cesaro charges knee first and Miz ducks. Cesaro hits the chair in the corner. Miz drop-toe-holds him chest first into the other chair, and ends this with a figure four for the submission.
WINNER: THE MIZ
Later tonight, Jack Swagger and Zeb Coulter will make a “State of the Union” address to the WWE universe. Right now, we’re getting a look at an Internet video made by Zeb and Swagger. (youtube.com/wethepeoplezeb) It looks like a public access channel video with a “Don’t Tread On Me” flag tacked up in the back. Zeb delivers a rant against immigrants with Swagger looming menacingly in the background.
We’re reminded that Cena vs. Punk is next week and the Rock’s championship celebration is tonight.
We come back to a pic and a quote of Abraham Lincoln.
“YOU CAN FOOL SOME OF THE PEOPLE ALL OF THE TIME, YOU CAN FOOL ALL OF THE PEOPLE SOME OF THE TIME, YOU CAN’T FOOL ALL OF THE PEOPLE ALL OF THE TIME.” – Abraham Lincoln.
Backstage, WWE tag team champions Daniel Bryan and Kane are arguing over what happened between them in the Elimination chamber last Sunday. Brian has requested a singles match and doesn’t want Kane coming out with him. Kane decides he’ll request a singles match and doesn’t want Bryan coming out with him. Kane warns Bryan that he’d better be a man of his word, because he doesn’t like snakes. Randy Orton overhears this, and takes exception to it. Kane explains that if a snake gets too close to him, he squashes it with his boot. Orton compares Kane to Barney the Dinosaur and Bryan laughs. Orton disappears, and Kane sulks off.
We go to Vicki’s office where Paul Heyman has been summoned. Vicki rags on Heyman about how useless his special stipulations were in the WWE title match. Later on, she will make a big announcement concerning his career, in the ring.
Team Ziggler (Dolp, Big E. and AJ) makes their way out as we go to break.
WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION ALBERTO DEL RIO VS DOLPH ZIGGLER
Ziggler’s in the ring as we recap Del Rio’s win over the Big Show at EC. Ricardo Rodriguez comes out to introduce Del Rio. The crowd is not into it. Ziggler goes right after Del Rio. Del Rio fights back. Ziggler goes up and over the ropes, lands on the apron. Del Rio hits the enziguri as we go to break…
Ziggler in control as we come back, choking Del Rio against the ropes. Ziggler with a dropkick. Choking again, and Big E. sneaks in a cheap shot at ringside. Ziggler gets a two-count with a fame-asser and goes up top. ADR cuts him off and hits a REVERSE FACE-LOCK SUPERPLEX. Ziggler up first. They trade punches, ADR hits two clothes-line, a tilt-a-whirl back-breaker, and a thrust kick for two. ADR gets a “Si” chant going but Ziggler hits the neck-breaker for two. Ziggler whips ADR into the corner, ADR gets the boots up, ties up Ziggler, and hits several forearms to the back and a back-stabber for two. Big E up on the apron. Del Rio knocks him off. Ziggler goes for the flying DDT, but Del Rio hits the arm-breaker for the submission.
WINNER: ALBERTO DEL RIO
After the match, Big E. blindsides ADR and beas him down. Ziggler realizes this is the best time to cash in the MiTB briefcase, but Ricardo swipes it and runs off with Big E. after him. AJ recovers the case, but Ziggler eats a huge kick from ADR.
Later tonight, the Rock’s celebration, and Kane vs.Randy Orton
And we got to break…
We are back with Intercontinental champion Wade Barrett in the ring, telling all of us about his big break in a major motion picture. We then get shown the trailer for “Dead Man Down,” in theaters on March 8th. We come back to Wade but Sheamus interrupts from the Titan-Tron to point out that Wade isn’t the star, Colin Farrell is. He invites Barrett to respond, but is told we’re out of time.
SIX PERSON TAG TEAM MATCH – TENSAI/BRODUS CLAY/AND NAOMI VS PRIMO/EPICO/AND ROSA
The Funkadayctals make their entrance w/Brodus and Tensai. Rosa and team MO-CO cut the music short with their entrance. Naomi starts off with Rosa, taking charge with high-flying moves. Rosa tags in Primo who goes after Naomi but Tensai makes the save and send Primo out. Naomi hits a sliding dropkick between Tensai’s legs on Epico and Rosa. Tensai and Brodus ends this with double headbuts and a double splash.
WINNERS: BRODUS CLAY AND TENSAI
We get a dance party in the ring before going to a WWE.com press conference in the Super-dome, where we get an announcement about Wrestlemania 30 being there next year, April 2014.
Up next is the “State Of The Union” address from Jack Swagger and Zeb Coulter.
We come back with a quote from Harry S. Truman
“THE BUCK STOPS HERE.” – Harry S. Truman
Jack Swagger and Zeb Coulter are in the ring with a podium and a “don’t tread on me” flag set up. Swagger claims that he took the weight of the nation on his shoulders when he won the EC match and became #1 contender to the WHC. He turns the mike over to Zeb, who claims the state of our union is “pathetic.” In summation, he basically accuses foreigners of coming here to take our health care, jobs, and resources, and how when Jack Swagger beats ADR, he will restore our nation to greatness.
Daniel Bryan makes his entrance as we go to break.
JACK SWAGGER VS. DANIEL BRYAN
Match is basically Bryan slipping out of Swagger’s grasp with his speed/agility until Swagger gets a chance to pound on the bad ribs of Bryan. Bryan fights back with quick strikes and high-risk high-flying. Bryan misses a charging drop-kick and Swagger works his leg. Swagger ends this with the “Patriot Act,” submission.
WINNER: JACK SWAGGER
Later tonight, Jericho, Sheamus, and Ryback vs. The Shield, and Vicki’s big announcement about Heyman.
We come back to a Wrestlemania promo and Vicki in the ring demanding our attention, preparing to make an announcement that could change Heyman’s career/life. She announces Brad Maddox as “assistant to the managing supevisor.” Brad says this was his reward for blowing the whistle on Heyman.
“IS THIS MY CUE TO VOMIT?” – Paul Heyman
Heyman says goodnight and gets ready to leave, when Vince makes his appearance on the Tron, stopping him. He reminds Heyman of last week when Heyman requested the DQ/count-out stip for the WWE title match at EC, and how Heyman said he do “anything” for it. Basically Vince challenges Heyman to a fight in two weeks when he makes his return.
And Break…
CHRIS JERICHO, SHEAMUS & RYBACK VS. THE SHIELD
Jericho, Sheamus, & Ryback each make a separate entrance, the Shield come down all at once through the crowd. The faces start off strong, with each man getting a shot at a Shield member. The faces dominate as we go to break…
We come back to the Shield beating down Sheamus. Sheamus fights his way free and brings in Ryback. Ryback hits hard and fast, tossing around the Shield, but he takes a spear when the ref isn’t looking. The Shield pile on Ryback with double teaming until one of them misses a charge. Ryback brings in Jericho, who takes over on the Shield. Jericho locks in the “Walls Of Jericho” while Sheamus takes a Shield member to the outside, brawling. Ryback is down, and the Shield leader takes out Jericho with a flying knee behind the ref’s back. Jericho gets pinned for three.
WINNERS: THE SHIELD
And break…
We come back with a quote from JFK.
“ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU, ASK WHAT YOU CAN DO FOR YOUR COUNTRY.” – John F. Kennedy
DAMIEN SANDOW VS KOFI KINGSTON
Sandow comes out, berating the audience and claims his great-grandfather came up with the new deal. He attacks Kofi before the bell rings and brutalizes him, until R-Truth makes his comeback and the save. Sandow is left lying.
NO CONTEST
We go to Josh Mathews at ringside w/two of his co-stars from “G.I. JOE: RETALIATION,” and a clip from the movie.
The Rock’s celebration, up next…
We’re back with another promo for Fandango, and Randy Orton making his entrance.
RANDY ORTON VS KANE
We get a plug for the EXTREME RULES PPV as Kane makes his way to the ring. Match is back and forth until Daniel Bryan comes out to distract Kane. Kane loses focus and walks into an RKO for the three-count.
WINNER: RANDY ORTON
And break…
We come back to a local marching band making their way down to the ring. After they finish playing, the Rock makes his big entrance. First, he runs down Punk, pointing out how he beat Punk in two straight PPV’s so he could be here tonight as WWE champion. Rock says in 48 days he’s going to Wrestlemania, but not with the “spinny” belt.
“THE WWE TITLE SHOULD NEVER LOOK LIKE A TOY, AND IT SHOULD NEVER, EVER, SPIN” – The Rock
The Rock retires the WWE “spinner” belt, and talks about how the belt should “inspire” the people watching and respect the legacy of champions past. He then unveils the “New” WWE championship. It looks like a big ring, with the WWE logo taking up most of the face-plate over the word “champion,” and the Rock’s Brahma-Bull logo on each side. Rock asks the question “Who will the Rock face at Wrestlemania? John Cena, or C.M. Punk?” Rock is about to name his preference, when Cena’s music hits and he comes out. He’s facing down the Rock when Punk nails him from behind with the spinny belt. He tosses it aside, and says “I want that one,” while pointing at Rock. The show ends with Punk staring down the Rock and walking out, while the Rock paces around the ring in confuion and Cena tries to pull himself up.
We open tonight with a recap of the Rock’s win at Royal Rumble. Tonight is RAW ROULETTE live from Las Vegas.
Now we’re looking at Vicki Guerrero in front of three roulette wheels. A superstar wheel, a stipulation wheel, and a “Vicki’s choice” wheel. Vicki announces the first match of the night and spins the middle wheel, making it a “special guest referee” match.
C.M. Punk is out and he is angry. He claims he is the people’s champion and is throwing a tantrum about last night. He berates the crowd for supporting a “cheater,” and says Vince, Rock, and the crowd are all cheaters. Punk coins the phrase “Phoenix Screw Job.” Punk is still the champion and he is here to “crash” our “party.”
Vince is out. He accuses Heyman of being behind the shield. He cuts Heyman off when he tries to protest, then announces a “performance evaluation,” of Heyman in the ring tonight, featuring surprise video tape “evidence.”
Randy Orton is out. He is facing Antonio Cesaro in the first match tonight. This is the “special guest ref” match Vicki made earlier. Cesario is out next, swinging the American Flag.
And now, our special guest referee… THE MIZ!
And we go to break.
WWE U.S. CHAMPION ANTONIO CESARO VS. THE MIZ
We come back with the match in progress. Orton gets a two count. Cesaro dominates in the corner. Miz gets between them. Orton in control with a clothesline and a snap-mare. Orton gets another two count with a suplex. Both men trade shots on the outside, Orton drops Cesaro on the guard-rail, and takes control back in the ring with stomps and a catapult into the bottom rope. Both men trade uppercuts, the crowd gets into it. Cesaro takes control, whips Orton into the ropes, Orton backdrops him to the floor.
And we go to break.
Cesaro in control when we come back. Both men fight in the corner, Cesaro takes over with a headbut and a turnbuckle shot. Cesaro gets a two-count and takes control with a headlock. Orton fights out, Cesaro hits a slam for two. Gut-wrench by Cesaro for two. Cesaro hits a face-lock. Orton fights out, ducks a clothesline and hits two of his own and a scoop-slam. Cesaro hits the flying uppercut and pummels Orton in the corner, but he gets into an argument with Miz and eats an RKO when he turns back around.
WINNER: RANDY ORTON
After the match, Miz treats Cesaro to a Skull-crushing finale.
Back with the wheels, Vicki spins Ryback into a “make me laugh” match. Ryback gives Vicki a snort and heads to the ring.
And we go to break.
We’re back with Andre Aggassi and Stefi Graph in the audience. Titus O’Neal and Darren Young are in the ring with Ryback and Matt Stryker. Stryker explains that the challenge is to make the crowd laugh. Funnest man wins. After two “jokes,” Ryback decimates O’Neal while Young keeps a safe difference. Stryker announces Ryback the winner, Ryback destroys Stryker, and the whole announce team climaxes over an assault on an announcer.
“What has four eyes, twenty fingers, and is about to be unconscious?” – Ryback’s “joke.”
Video Package for Bob Backlund’s induction into the WWE Hall Of Fame.
And we go to break.
SIDE NOTE: Will someone PLEASE explain to me what Stryker has done that his being attacked for NO CLEAR REASON warrants such jockularity?
We come back to Vicki spinning the wheel. It lands on “players choice,” meaning IC champion Wade Barrett gets to pick his opponent. Barrett chooses NXT rookie Bo Dallas, who eliminated Barrett in the Royal Rumble last night.
WWE INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION WADE BARRETT VS BO DALLAS
Barrett goes right after Dallas, but Dallas fights out of the corner. He hits an arm-drag/dropkick combo, but Barrett takes over with vicious kicks and stomps. Barrett goes for the Bull-Hammer BUT BO DALLAS GETS THE THREE WITH A BELLY-TO-BELLY SUPLEX!
WINNER: BO DALLAS!
Backstage, a spin of the wheel pits Cody Rhodes against John Cena
And we go to break.
We come back with the announce team hyping up John Cena replacing Fred Flintstone on the cover of boxes of “Fruity Pebbles.” We even get a “tale-of-the-tape” graphic with Cena vs. Fred Flintstone.
Yes, that happened.
JOHN CENA VS CODY RHODES
Cody and Cena trade shots until Cena hits a suplex and Cody rolls out the ring. Cody takes the mike and anounces he’s leaving. Cena grabs him and sends him back in the ring. Cena hits all “Five Moves of Doom,” and gets the three-count.
WINNER: JOHN (DID YOU REALLY EXPECT ANYTHING DIFFERENT?) CENA
Cena gets the mike and cuts a promo to the crowd, acknowledging the crowd not being in his corner. We get a “Cena Sucks” chant. Cena gives Punk credit for staying champion for almost two years, and besting him every time. He turns his attention to the Rock, recaping their fued, and his loss at Wrestlemania 28.
“There were times when he couldn’t carry my jock-strap.” – John Cena.
Cena chooses the WWE champion and the Shield make their entrance. Cena brings it to them, but the odds are against him and the Shield beats him down. Sheamus tries for a save, but doesn’t do much better. Ryback is out next, and he does a little better, but the Shield take him out. Sheamus and Cena try to fight back, but this ends with the faces down and out, and the Shield walking away.
And we go to break.
We come back recapping the Shield assault on Cena, Sheamus, and Ryback. We go back to Vicki for another spin of the wheel. It lands on “Lingerie Pillow Fight…” featuring Tensai and Brodus Clay.
Ghaaaaa….
Tensai refuses to do this and stomps off. Vicki makes Brodus spin the “Vicki’s choice” wheel and it lands on a dance off.
I have a bad feeling.
We get a look at A WWE fan-event, and then Brodus comes out to the ring.
And we go to break.
We’re back with Jerry Lawler in the ring with Tensai…oh dear God…
Oh God no…
GHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!
Tensai is in women’s underwear. He was not told this was a dance off. Tensai IS GOING TO DANCE IN WOMEN’S UNDERWARE.
WH AM I WATCHING WRESTLING? I DON’T WANT TO WATCH THIS! THEY OBVIOUSLY DON’T WANT ME TO WATCH ANYMORE! WHY AM I WATCHING THIS!?
Oh yea, King works in a “What happens in Vegas…” reference. Tensai dances and I want to die.
RON SIMMONS CAMEO: “DAMN!”
We go to world heavyweight champion Alberto Del Rio spinning the wheel and getting a “body slam challenge,” against The Big Show. Vicki wishes him luck. Del Rio reminds her in Vegas, “anything can happen.”
And we go to break.
We’re back with Ricardo Rodriguez introducing World Heavyweight Champion ALBERTO DEL RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIO! Del Rio comes out and shakes hands with the fans, giving his scarf to a small boy in the crowd. We get a tiny “Si” chant until the Big Show comes out.
BODY SLAM CHALLENGE: WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION ALBERTO DEL RIO VS THE BIG SHOW
Show attacks Ricardo and Del Rio right off. Del Rio hits some kicks but Show clocks him with the Big Right Hand. Show tapes Del Rio to the ropes. Ricardo tries to protect Del Rio, but the show just brutalizes him. Del Rio can only helplessly watch. Show wraps more tape around Del Rio’s hand, as Show goes back to beating Ricardo. Del Rio begs for Ricardo’s life, but show gives him the Big Right, and goes back to bullying Del Rio. Del Rio is clocked out, and the Show lumbers off, leaving carnage in his wake.
And we go to break.
We come back to a recap of Show’s Rampage and WWE divas in Showgirl outfits.
LAS VEGAS SHOWGIRLS LUMBERJILLS MATCH – WWE DIVAS CHAMPION KAITLYN VS TAMINA
This does NOT make up for Tensai.
I can hardly bring myself to type this. Tamina takes charge with the head-lock of doom and boots Kaitlyn to the floor. Aksana and Alicia Fox jump her. Kaitlyn fights them off and whacks Tamina with a showgirl hat. She hits Tamina with some shoulder-blocks and goes for a pin. Then it naturally becomes a messy cat-fight, that ends when someone hits the music.
NO CONTEST: ALSO, NO DIGNITY
We return to another recap of the Shield beat-down on Cena and friends.
And now, our NEW WWE champion…THE ROCK!
One word; FINALLY, as in…
“FINALLY, THE ROCK HAS COME BACK TO LAS VEGAS!” – The Rock
And finally, the Rock is once again WWE champion. He calls this moment the proudest of his career, and takes a moment to thank all of us. He recaps Punk’s put-downs of the people, and tells us those crap days are over. He makes a remark about Heyman needing a bra for his “Twinkie Tits.” Tonight is the People’s Era,
“AND WE’RE ALL GETTING PIE!” – The Rock
Punk is out, accusing the Rock of not earning that title, and the crowd is too stupid to realize he is a genus. Punk says Rock should hand him back the title out of respect for his father and grandfather, and apollogize to him for tarnishing what he’s accomplished. Rock says if he had an ounce of manhood, and “nuts between his legs,” he’d come downthe ramp and take it. Rock gives him the choice of being a man, or a “punk ass bitch.” Punk will stand up on the stage “like a Punk-ass bitch,” because it’s cool to swear, and Punk will do things when it suits him, not Rock. Punk reads off a list of appearences Punk will be making, and offers Rock a chance to face him at anyone of them, if it fits his schedule. If not, he’ll give Rock a rematch in three weeks (at Elimination Chamber.) Rock agrees to face him at Elimination Chamber.
When we come back, Sheamus faces Damien Sandow in a tables match.
And we go to break.
We come back with Sandow in the ring. We see a recap of him spinning the wheel backstage earlier where Vicki makes an obvious statement aout the match being a tables match.
“How Observant,” – Damien Sandow
Sheamus takes over early and sets up a table. Sandow slips out of a slam and leads Sheamus into/out of the ring, where he hits a drop kick. Sheamus tosses a table into Sandow’s face, but Sandow takes over with a shoulder-breaker. Sandow traps Sheamus’ arm in the table and stomps on it, droping both knees on the arm. Sheamus fights back, but misses a Brouge-kick. Sandow charges but Sheamus hits a flying shoulder-tackle. Sandow takes over and hits the “elbow of distain.” Sandow lays Sheamus on a table and goes up top, but Sheamus cuts him off. Sheamus ends this with “the White Noise” on Sandow, through a table in the corner.
WINNER: SHEAMUS
When we come back, Vince McMahon confronts Paul Heyman with an in-ring “performance evaluation.”
And we go to break.
We’re back.
Karaoke.
Zack Ryder and the Great Khali, singing superstars theme songs.
We’re going to have a Karaoke challenge with Zack Ryder and The Great Khali.
OH THANK GOD! 3MB!
Heath Slater is out and asks “are you kidding me?” Jinder calls them an embarrasment. Drew jumps in Khali’s face and gets chpped down. It turns into a brawl and ends with Hornswoggle splashing Slater and thank God it’s over!
Backstage, JERICHO! NEXT!
We’re back to BREAK THE WALLS DOWN!!!!!! Jericho makes his comeback to RAW, in tiny shorts and the sparkly jacket. He talks about being out for six months and his surprise return at the Royal Rumble. He thanks us all for welcoming him back and it’s something he will Never, EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEver forget again!
Ziggler comes out w/AJ and big E, to ask what he’s doing here? Ziggy and AJ recap how they got rid of Jericho last year, Jericho tells him to put his “crazy little dog on a leash before she pees all over the ring.” Big E. threatens Jericho, who responds with a joke about his pec size. Vicki comes up on the screen to inform Ziggler she re-signed Jericho. She spins the whel and it lands on “Strange Bedfellows,” meaning Ziggler and Jericho must team up against WWE Tag Team Champions Team Hell No. The champs make their entrance, and Ziggler starts off with Kane.
And we go to break.
WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS TEAM HELL NO VS DOLPH ZIGGLER/CHRIS JERICHO
Well this was quick. Ziggler starts off in control of Daniel Bryan, while taunting Jericho by faking the tag. Ziggler hits a body-slam, and the elbow. Ziggler keeps taunting Jericho until Jericho “tags” Ziggler in the back hard enough to put him down. Jericho takes over on Bryan, hitting a drop-kick n Kane and a lion-sault on Bryan. Bryan hits a flying kick and gets Jericho in a head-lock. Bryan tags in Kane, but Jericho shoves Bryan into him. Kane and Bryan start yelling at each other. Bryan shoves Kane, Kane shoves Bryan down. Jericho tags in Ziggler but cheap-shots Kane in the back before walking out on the match. Ziggler yells at him, before turning into a choke-slam from the p-o’d Kane.
WINNERS: HELL NO
After that, we get our next HOF inductee high-light video, Trish Stratus.
And we go to break.
We’re back…
BROCK LESNAR JUST KILLED VINCE MCMAHON! I’m leading with this because I want to make sure you have a reason to keep reading.
We came back to Vince making his way to the ring. Vince called out Heyman and informed him that Punk had been escorted from the building. Heyman came out and offered Vince a handshake. Vince accepted it, then used hand sanitizer. McMahon proceeded to grill Heyman about the Shield and Brad Maddox. He asked Heyman if he ever lied…
“You know, a long time ago, I remember – in the Madison Square Garden dressing room, I heard your father say the phrase “Adversity defines a man’s character in his darkest hour.” And faced with the adversity of the fact that I have a feeling I know where this is going, I will tell you, I have lied every day of my stinking life because I am a promoter, and that’s what promoters do…” – Paul Heyman.
Possibly the best answer humanly possible. Heyman goes on about how he’s lied to stay alive and still have a business and a job the next morning. He promises to be an honorable man if that’s what it takes to stay. Vince seends the camera into Heyman’s face and asks the crowd if this is an honorable man with an honorable face, they say no. Vince shows footage of the “Brad Maddox experience.” Heyman has Maddox in a dark tunnel, orders the cameraman to shut it down. He then makes the same mistake EVERY VILLIAN WRITTEN BY A LAZY WRITTER EVER MAKES AND ADMITS EVERYTHING ON CAMERA. He tells Maddox that the Shield gets paid more than him because they are worth more. He sics the Shield on Maddox and the cameraman. We come back to the ring where the same crowd that chanted “ECW,” now chants “You got busted,” and the “goodbye” song. Heyman claims that wasn’t him. He claims it was a bad Vegas impersonator, and goes into a rant about his sucess with Punk and ECW. He denies being the man on the tape. Vince gears up the catchprase, wishing him well in his future endevors, we get to “YOU’RE…”
Here comes the pain.
Lesnar’s music hits and he makes his way out to the ring. Heyman begs him not to do anything, Lesnar orders him into the corner like a dog. He gets in Vince’s face, Vince warns him not to do anything he’ll regret later. After a pause, Lesnar HITS THE F5 ON VINCE MCMAHON!
RAW ends with Heyman begging Lesnar for Vince’s life, and leading him out of the ring.
Well, THAT was something. To you the good readers, I apollogize if this report was less than “real time.” I’m still trying to get the hang of it.
That’s about it for me peep-holes. See you next week (maybe.) Ryt-place, Ryt-time!
Welcome everyone to Monday Night RAW! It’s the 20th Anniversary of this show, which is an impressive feat for any show, let alone one that airs every single week of the year. I expect a solid show. No wait, no I don’t. There’s going to be another “Rock concert” tonight. The last one sucked ankle biting rat dog balls.
I watch 30 minutes of the show, leave for work, then watch the entire show at work whilst reviewing whatever WWE puts on my TV. And I make shit up as I go along too, because that’s what the RAW writers do. Let me entertainment you!
It is a new year in the wrestling world. After a week that goes so beyond killer it should be called “zombie,” I needed two things: I went to an SMU basketball game and see Larry Brown coach & I went to my local indy to see my wrestling. It was cold & rainy, but that would not keep me away, nor would it Mother Ruff, my wrestling watching companion.
Dark match: Dax Daring & Dave Dunnings vs. Regrub & “The Left Hand of God” Matt Andrews w/Kyle Valo
Dunnings was looking a little trimmer. The crowd loved Dax as always. I believe this is the first time I have heard Matt Andrews described as “The Left Hand of God.” Mother Ruff leaned over to me and asked, “Does his hand still hurt?” I still think that woman needs a wrestling podcast. She would put Colt Cabana to shame. It was a nice, short match. It warmed up the crowd, and Dunnings looked back in good condition.
Winner: Regrub & Andrews
We opened up with the actual “live portion” of the night. “The Crowd Killer” James Hawke was getting more of a reaction. But the true measure of a wrestler is not what you get the front row to do. It’s what you get the back row to do. Jiggle-O James Johnson came out first and then was promptly interrupted by Kanoa. There was some good comedy going on, but I’m confused with the direction they’re taking Kanoa. He’s no longer making sense with his promos. He called out Frankie Fisher who came out and they had a stare-down. Then Jerome Daniels came out to join the three-person staredown. I would have loved to see them build up towards a Triple Threat match. Jiggle-O cut a great motivational promo. I think I would like to call up Jiggle-O when I’m at work and hear him give me motivational speeches.
First match: Tad Wylde (c) vs. Glamour Hammer
I think Glamour Hammer’s big title shot might have been a little too premature. The outcome of this match was killed for me when Nobe Bryant came out and said he was still looking for a tag team partner. Obviously heel Nobe isn’t going to be feuding with heel Glamour Hammer. Ben Wylde’s outfit looks like something out of my nightmares. He had a hard time keeping both cheeks in the tights and was more embarrassing than anything. That being said, I think that Glamour Hammer is doing some really innovative things and should really be on more radars. As soon as they get some more matches under their belt, they should be ready to start branching out from just MPX. Also to me, one of the highlights of the night was Tadlock doing a springboard moonsault. I found myself being caught up in the match.
Winner: Tad Wylde
Nobe Bryant came back in with his new tag team partner-Kenny Steele. This is brilliant for so many reasons. Nobe has so much to teach Kenny, both from a storyline standpoint and from a “behind the scenes” standpoint. With one quick segment, I had a reason to care about Kenny once again.
Second match: Zero the Antihero vs. Gregory James
I has streamer duty as did Mother Ruff. She was quite excited that her streamers made it into the ring. The crowd loves Zero as always. There was a “Level up” chant for him. He got to do all his crazy video game spots. Greg is now evil and very deep into his character. He and Zero played a strong “good vs. evil” dynamic. At first I thought it was going to be the usual match where Zero gets killed and sells. Greg gave him more offense than usual. Zero looked pretty good during this match and looked like it wouldn’t be a fluke if he won. I noticed something during this match. The crowd is so invested in Zero that every move, the crowd reacted to, one way or another.
Winner: Gregory James
We had a vignette with Kristopher Haiden talking about how Franco D’Angelo had a setback. Haiden was ridiculing him for being old and crippled. Joe Angelo Garcia got in Haiden’s face as D’Angelo was a mentor of sorts. Looks like we’re setting up a Haiden-Garcia feud.
Third match: Athena vs. Livi La Vida Loca
Usually I just tell you what I think. But thanks to joining the 21st century and now having a smartphone, I bring you the entire match.
Now onto my thoughts on the match. Athena was spectacular as always. What I thought was interesting was that the crowd seemed to be favoring Livi. The thing about the MPX crowd is that a lot of them just watch MPX and maybe the WWE and TNA. They don’t know that Athena is one of the best unsigned women on the independent scene. They don’t know that the woman calls herself a goddess but is treated like a goddess wherever she wrestles. They didn’t know that a prestigious wrestling promotion took in more than $50o in a campaign just to fly to her wrestle for them. They knew Livi. Livi was who they wanted to cheer for. Athena won for chop of the night. She also won what was a match between two athletic gymnast types.
Winner: Athena
Fourth match: Li Fang w/Nigel Rabid vs. Kanoa
This whole segment was all kinds of crazy and confusing. Kanoa made no sense in what he said last night and at one point said just the word “pudding” which prompted “Pudding” chants the rest of the night. I can only guess that he is doing the Perry Saturn thing where he has taken too many chair shots. (Please no return of Moppy.) We did have some pretty good action and lots of stiff kicks. At one point Kanoa began to no-sell. I didn’t like that. People who should be able to no-sell in MPX: Lance Hoyt. That’s it. I think Li was killed in this match. We did have some funny stuff with Nigel. Kanoa should not be invincible, and that’s how he came across. Li looked like a high school football team playing the New England Patriots.
Winner: Kanoa
During the intermission, they made a huge announcement: Indy journeyman legend Colt Cabana will be appearing in MPX on Feb. 23. There will definitely be “Mark Out Face” aplenty that night.
Fifth match: Frankie Fisher vs. Jerome Daniels
This was one of last year’s hottest feuds. Frankie and Jerome had such great chemistry. When Jerome is out there, he isn’t just a guy wrestling his match. He is one with the crowd and knows exactly what they need. This one told a story. It was about Frankie trying to prove that he had the heart and desire to be strong enough. When Jerome felt the crowd slipping, he reached out to them and got them back emotionally engaged in the story. It was a strong, powerful match that told a great story.
Winner: Frankie
One of the best matches I’ve seen both have. And dare I spoil it, but this is an early Match of the Year contender.
Sixth match: Mike Foxx w/Kyle Davis vs. Steven Kirby in a #1 Contender’s match
This match was a painful reminder how real wrestling can be. There was some really good intensity here in this match. I’m not sure if it was storyline or not, but Kirby’s knee went out several times. Foxx spent the rest of that match working over the knee. The great thing about Kirby is that he never forgets he’s in front of a live crowd. He kept the crowd engaged and in it. The match ended with some great drama. Foxx had Kirby in a Boston Crab. He had to work it over for about 2 minutes before Kirby tapped out.
Winner and #1 contender: Foxx
I am very much looking forward to the Foxx-Barrett Brown match. If they do it right, it could be epic and a passing of the torch, much like Chris Adams did for Foxx more than a decade before.
Main event: Barrett Brown (c) vs. Kristopher Haiden
If I’ve said this before, I apologize. But these two remind me of wrestlers with similar body shapes who always had good chemistry-Rey Misterio Jr. and Kurt Angle. Both guys on paper don’t look like they should gel but they somehow do. Barrett is over like crazy with the crowd and Haiden is equally hated. I just sat back and watched these two guys do their thing. It was a strong title defense that made Barrett look strong yet Haiden lost nothing.
Winner: Barrett
After the match, The Following came out to attack Barrett. Joe Garcia came out to take care of Haiden. A bunch of the boys from the back came out to do a pull-apart with Barrett & Gregory James.
All in all… It was a tough night health-wise. There was one severe injury and I’m sure there were probably a few others. Jerome-Frankie was great. Kirby-Foxx, Zero-Greg, Livi-Athena, Barrett-Haiden were all pretty good. There were a few segments I could have done without. There is some really strong build-up. I am excited about the direction they are taking with the title.
Here’s to hoping 2013 will be a banner year.
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This week on BWF Radio, it’s the 2012 BWF Awards! Joe, Jorge, JT, and Jee (Screw you and your one letter, G!) discuss the week in pro wrestling, and then give out a number of awards for this year in professional wrestling! Awards include PPV of the Year, Entrance of the Year, Surprise of the Year, Match of the Year, and Wrestler of the Year, and much, much more. Who ran away with the awards this year? Were there any big surprises in this year’s awards? Only one way to find out!
This week on BWF Radio, it’s the 2012 BWF Awards! Joe, Jorge, JT, and Jee (Screw you and your one letter, G!) discuss the week in pro wrestling, and then give out a number of awards for this year in professional wrestling! Awards include PPV of the Year, Entrance of the Year, Surprise of the Year, Match of the Year, and Wrestler of the Year, and much, much more. Who ran away with the awards this year? Were there any big surprises in this year’s awards? Only one way to find out!