This is it! BoredWrestlingFan’s WrestleMania week is in full swing, kicking off with yesterday’s WrestleMania 29 prediction podcast. My contribution to WrestleMania week this year will be reviews of the first six WrestleMania events, starting today with 1985’s WrestleMania, and finishing up Saturday with a review of WrestleMania VI. And don’t forget to tune in to BoredWrestlingFan Radio this Sunday at 2PM Eastern as I will be reporting LIVE from Met Life Stadium in East Rutherford, NJ, the site of WrestleMania XXIX!
I would like to preface this review by stating that I have NEVER watched this first WrestleMania before. I’ve seen every other WrestleMania, but this is the very first time I’m watching this one. So, this should be an interesting experience, especially considering how much the business has changed over the last 28 years. As G would say, it’s hopping time!
I will warn you – I haven’t decided whether or not to take this seriously, or if I would rather do the standard goofball stuff that you regularly see on G’s SmackDown reviews here on BWF. We’ll figure it out as we go along.
Tonight is a special “OLD SCHOOL” edition of RAW, opening with the classic “The recognized symbol of excellence in sports entertainment,” graphic.
We are in Buffalo, NY at the first Niagara Center on a cold windy night, and the first thing we see is THE UNDERTAKER making an entrance. He stands on stage, raises his arms, and summons forth the WRESTLEMANIA logo. Mean Gene welcomes us to RAW w/a voice over and a montage of classic moments.
From there we go to the classic RAW opening theme w/sirens and montage. Jerry Lawler and Michael Cole are here to welcome us, Cole in an ugly mustard-yellow jacket and Lawler in the Red w/matching crown, as C.M. Punk makes his way to the ring w/Paul Heyman at his side.
Punk blames the fans for him not headlining Wrestlemania and for his not being champion. He says there’s no purpose or point in being at Wrestlemania, until he saw Undertaker. Punk says we stole from him and now he’ll steal from us by beating the Streak.
Randy Orton is out next, mentioning his win over Punk at Wrestlemania and getting “this close,” to beating Taker 8 years ago as a rookie, now he’s the most dangerous man in the locker-room and asks the fans who they would like to see face Taker at Mania, Punk or Orton?
Cue Big Show. He faced the Taker at a Wrestlemania but back then he didn’t have his big right hand punch. He makes a claim to the streak.
Cue Sheamus. He’s the only one who’s never faced or lost to the Undertaker. It’s going to take more to break the Streak. It’s gonna take a big foot, all the heart in the world, and a little bit of luck. Sheamus thinks it’s possible with the luck of the Irish on his side.
Vicki Gurrero is out. As RAW managing Supervisor, she decides to make tonight’s main event a 4-way for a shot at the Undertaker at Mania, giving the winner a chance to cement their legacy.
Tonight-Point/Counterpoint w/Rock and Cena, Triple H addresses Brock Lesnar, and Ryback faces Antonio Cesaro NEXT!
Rytman Remark: It took Big Show 20 years to figure out how to make a fist?
We come back to Cole and King offering us the chance to “Tout” about who we think Taker should face.
U.S. CHAMPION ANTONIO CESARO VS RYBACK
We go to an old school Picture-in-picture promo with Antonio Cesaro. He speaks five different languages fluently while Ryback, like most of us can barely speak one, NEANDERTHAL! He follows up with a rant in Swiss.
FEED ME MORE!
Ryback makes his entrance as #old school raw trends worldwide. So far the theme is Cesaro trying to be aggressive and getting bounced around the ring, but a big boot to the face puts Cesaro in control as we go to…
BREAK
Cesaro is in control as we come back. Cesaro put up a strong fight but the match ends with Ryback reversing a Neutralizer attempt into the Shell-shock for a three-count.
WINNER: RYBACK
Rytman remark: Would be nice for Ryback to remember to put in a bid for the U.S. title. Then again it would be nice if ANYONE remembers to put in a bid for the U.S. title.
The World’s Strongest Man, Mark Henry comes out for his match. There’s a stare-down with Ryback as he goes to the ring.
MARK HENRY VS ZACK RYDER
Apparently, WWE Sat. Morning Slam is looking for its own GM, and will continue the search this Saturday. Ryder, who wants the job, goes after Henry quickly and – briefly – actually puts up a decent fight before taking the World’s Strongest Slam.
WINNER: MARK HENRY
Tonight – fatal 4-way for the chance to challenge the Undertaker and the debut of FAHN-DAHN-GHOOOO!
And Dolph Ziggler, w/AJ and Big E. faces the Miz, next.
Rytman Remark: Saturday Morning Slam needs a GM because apparently WWE superstars can’t be trusted to act like wrestlers for half an hour LIKE THEY’VE DONE FOR ABOUT A YEAR!
BREAK
We come back with Miz and Dolph in the ring. Miz gets the mike (which doesn’t work) and introduces RIC FLAIR!
DOLPH ZIGGLER w/AJ AND BIG E. VS THE MIZ w/RIC FLAIR
Cole claims this makes the odds “more even,” with Flair out to neutralize things. Ziggler takes it right to Miz but is too concerned with mocking Flair, and winds up getting walloped. Kick to the face puts Ziggler outside the ring while Flair and Miz both do the strut.
BREAK
Dolph is in control when we come back. We’re reminded that Dolph will face World Heavyweight Champion Alberto Del Rio on this week’s Smackdown and possibly FAHN-DAHN-GHOO will make his debut tonight. Miz fights back, gets a near-fall. Dolph tries a small package and Miz clips the knee. Dolph fights back w/the leaping DDT and a sleeper. Miz gets free and hits a few spots before AJ climbs up on the ring. The Ref is distracted and Big E. clocks Miz. Flair whips his jacket in Big E’s face and chops him to no effect. Miz gets a kick to Big E’s head. Ziggler tries a roll-up, Miz kicks out, and catches Ziggler’s drop-kick attempt. Miz wins it w/a figure four for the submission.
WINNER: THE MIZ
Cole and King push the WWE magazine – now with multiple collectors’ edition covers.
Rock/Cena, Point/Counterpoint next
BREAK
IF YA SMELL…
WWE champion THE ROCK is in the building tonight! Rock makes his way out as #old school raw trends worldwide. Rock tells the crowd about how he just got in from Central America – 95 degrees every single day – and a woman at the airport tried to get him to wear a jacket. Rock said he had enough electricity in his body to melt anything made of ice. Then he got off the plane here…
“Sweet Harlem Shakin’ Honey Booboo it’s colllllllllld out here!” – The Rock
Rock mentions icicles on the “peoples’ nipples,” and after ten long years… FINALY, THE ROCK HAS COME BACK TO BUFFALO!Rock mentions we are 34 days away from Wrestlemania… and John Cena takes that as a cue. On the mike, Cena gives Rock credit for all his conquests.
“You don’t know what it’s like…to tell the world… you have to do something, and then fail.” – John Cena
John feels worthless because he needed to win and failed. The crowd starts a “Cena sucks,” chance. John talks about Rock being responsible for his collapse and turn-around. It’s not just coincidence that Cena wins the Rumble the same night Rock won the title, and that he FINALLY beat Punk last week. It’s a chance at redemption and rewriting history. This is his second chance and Rock is getting a 34 day heads up.
“I am not throwing this chance away.” – Cena
Rock is happy to see that fire and desire in Cena, because Cena is the one man he wanted to face at Mania. Rock knows what this means to him, the salute, kissing the dog tags with his family’s names on them, his will to win, no one has that… except the Rock. Rock goes on about the connection he has with the fans in the arena, at home, all over and tells Cena…
“You ain’t getting redemption Jack, you getting your ass kicked.” – The Rock
Cena responds with a quote by the great philosopher Mike Tyson, (not the one about eating children…)
“In order to be the greatest that ever lived, you have to beat everyone living.” Mike Tyson (as quoted by John Cena.)
Cena will do just that, and at Wrestlemania Rock’s time is up, Cena’s time is now.
Rock retorts with a quote of his own…
“Winning is about heart, you just gotta have it in the right place.” – Lance Armstrong (as quoted by the Rock.)
“He was full of crap and so are you.” – The Rock
In 34 days, history will not repeat itself, and John Cena will become WWE champion.
Cena has just crystallized everything about their rivalry. Cena thinks he can beat Rock, Rock KNOWS he can beat Cena. Rock leaves promising he will beat Cena again, if you smell, what the Rock is cooking.
Fatal 4-way later tonight
BREAK
Tonight, Triple H Addresses Lesnar, Cole and King give us another look at the Taker’s appearance earlier tonight.
Jack Swagger is in the Ring w/Zeb Coulter as HACKSAW JIM DUGGAN makes his way to the ring WITH SGT. SLAUGHTER AND DUSTY RHODES!
JACK SWAGGER VS HACKSAW JIM DU-
Wait-a-minute, Swagger has Duggan’s 2 x 4, and uses it beat down (not off) all the legends. Slaughter and Dusty are left lying while Swagger locks in the Patriot Act on Duggan’s ankle. Swagger leaves a pile of broken men behind him.
NO CONTEST
Rytman Remark: The six-man team I always wanted, 20 years after the fact.
We get a quick look at “Marine 3,” staring the Miz, and Team Hell No face the Prime Time Players next.
BREAK
We get another reminder of the 4-way main event tonight, and Alberto Del Rio jumps Jack Swagger during an interview.
WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS TEAM HELL NO (KANE/DANIEL BRYAN) VS THE PRIME TIME PLAYERS (TITUS O’NEAL/DARRIEN YOUNG.)
The Million Dollar Man, Ted DiBiase is in the PTP corner as a special guest, and potential manager (maybe) for the PTP’s.
Basic tag without a lot of shenanigans; Bryan looks strong against O’Neal, but is soon overwhelmed by double teaming. Kane tags in and takes over on Young. Bryan tricks O’Neal over the ropes and out of the ring. While Bryan scores a flying knee, Kane ends it with a choke-slam on Young for three.
WINNERS: TEAM HELL NO!
DiBiase spots Young a $100, stuffing the bill in his mouth. Bryan waits until no-one’s looking, and swipes it out of Young’s mouth.
Backstage, it looks like a legend is returning to Shake, Rattle, and Roll RAW tonight!
Rytman Remark: Hey, Bryan’s not the idiot tonight. Nice change of pace. Also, HONKY TONK MAN!!! HONKY TONK MAN!!! HONKY TONK MAN!!!
BREAK
We’re back with the Funkadactyls leading Brodus Clay and “Sweet T” to the ring. We get some dancing and the announcer introduces THE GREATEST INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION OF ALL TIME! THE HONKY TONK MAN! Cole and King mention this is the city where Honky beat Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat for the I-C title.
Honky is about to address the crowd when Heath Slater swipes the mike from him. Slater runs him down saying…
“You need to go back to Las Vegas w/all the other Elvis impersonators.” – Heath Slater
BRODUS CLAY/TENSAI VS 3MB (HEATH SLATER/DREW MCINTYRE)
The time you took to read this is just about all the time Tensai needed to roll up Drew for a three count.
WINNERS: CLAY/TENSAI (SWEET T)
HTM’s back in the ring to start the party, but Slater’s back in his face. Slater takes the guitar shot and we get back to the dancing.
FAHN-DAAAHN-GOH makes his debut against Kofi Kingston next!
BREAK
We come back to a look at Wade Barrett in L.A. last weekend for the premier of “Dead Man Down,” a new action thriller starring Clive Owen, in which he has a bit part.
Kofi Kingston is in the ring and announcer Justin Roberts introduces FAHN-DAAHN-GO!
Up on stage, we have a lovely little ballroom dancer doing a few steps as…he comes out. FAHN-screw it Fandango calls Robert’s pronouncing “inappropriate,” and makes him try again. After this waste of everyone’s time; Fanny refuses to debut until someone gets his name right.
“Tonight was the night that you ALMOST got to see the debut of… FAAAAAAAAHN-DAAAAAN-GHO.” – Fandango.
BREAK
We return to a replay of last week’s Heyman/McMahon “fight” that became the Triple H/Brock Lesnar fight.
After that, it’s time to play the game…
“TIME TO PLAY THE GAME!” – Lenny (Motorhead)
WWE Chief Operations Officer Hunter Hearst Helmsly – Triple H is out of the back and in the ring. Last time he stood in the ring, it was 8 days after losing to, and getting his arm broken for the second time by, Brock Lesnar at Summer-Slam. As soon as the cast was off, he was back in the gym, with no real goal. He went back to the day job, put on the suit, got a haircut, started training, and got into the best shape in years, waiting for a reason. After Lesnar put Vince – the “crazy old man” – in a hospital bed, after the hip surgery, put aside all Vince has done and the entire family crying their eyes out, Hunter smiled inside.
He had his reason, and he was ready. Lesnar thought they were done?
“Reach up on top of your head and feel those 12 staples, and you know we’re just getting started.” – Triple H
He calls Lesnar out, making reference to the cut on his head where he split Lesnar wide open, letting him know that the Ass-Kicker, the King of Kings, The GAME is back.
“Are you gonna show up and fight, or are you gonna sit there and bleed?” – Triple H
Fatal 4-way tonight
BREAK
We come back to a WWE rewind of Randy Orton vs. The Big Show last Friday on Smackdown. The match ends with run-ins by the Shield and Sheamus, and the Show clocking Reigns with the KO.
We go to a promo by the Shield. Everyone wants to make history and face the Undertaker at Wrestlemania, but in case you’ve forgotten, the Shield has yet to be beaten. The Eye of Justice is watching everybody, including the Big Show. Show got in one cheap shot. It won’t happen again.
Believe in the Shield.
WWE Intercontinental Champion Wade Barrett is in the ring and Justin Roberts introduces Alberto Del Rio’s personal ring announcer Ricardo Rodriguez, who introduces World Heavyweight Champion ALBERTOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO DEL RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIO!
WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION ALBERTO DEL RIO VS WWE INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION WADE BARRETT
Swagger and Coulter make their way out to the stage during the match. Barrett’s brawn and brawling batter down… Berto, while Alberto agitates his adversary with agility. Every time one man makes a mistake, the other takes over. Del Rio wins it with a cross-arm-breaker by submission, and stares down Swagger from the ring.
WINNER: ALBERTO DEL RIO
Del Rio faces Ziggler at Smackdown this Friday and Fatal 4-way tonight
Rytman Remark: WE GET IT! THERE’S A FOUR-WAY MAIN EVENT FOR THE RIGHT TO FACE THE UNDERTAKER AT WRESTLEMANIA! WE BELIVE YOU!
BREAK
We come back to a disclaimer, saying that the views expressed in the following video are those of Jack Swagger and Zeb Coulter.
There was a time when if someone came into your house uninvited and stole something, they would call you a thief. They wouldn’t call you prejudiced. Real Americans refuse to use politically correct language, because they tell it like it is. That’s what being a real American is about. There will always be a group of people to tell it like it is. WE THE PEOPLE!
OH YOU DIDN’T KNOW!?
I THINK YOU BETTER CALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL SOMEBODYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
It’s the D-o-double-g! With the Bad B-A-double crooked letter Billy Gun, telling all the parents to lean down to their kids and tell them they’re the guys who…
“Wear your granddad’s clothes… we look incredible,” – Road Dogg
THE NEW AGE OUTLAWS VS PRIMO/EPICO WITH ROSA
This is the first match on RAW in 13 years for the outlaws. Team mo/co gets in a lot of double teaming on Road Dogg, but Billy picks up the win for his team w/the fame-asser.
WINNERS: THE NEW AGE OUTLAWS!
After the match, we get another look at the Rock/Cena promo and a tweet from Stephanie McMahon.
“Brock, it’s time to play the game.” Stephanie McMahon – (via Twitter.)
BREAK
We come back to Lawler commenting on his and Coles outfits.
“You look like mustard, I look like Ketchup, makes me want a hot dog” – Lawler
We get some Touts from the WWE universe, regarding who should get Taker at Mania.
Rytman Remark: These guys don’t look like the usual toothless morons that take wrestling seriously. I’m thinking if they’re not plants, they’re playing along in order to get on TV.
A dozen or so Superstars are up on stage with a table full of birthday cakes whishing Mae Young a happy 90th birthday. Mean Gene Oakerlund M.C.’s the festivities as the Divas bring out Mae. Everybody just starts “happy birthday,” when Punk’s music hits. Punk and Heyman strut through the party, on their way to the ring, pissing everyone off. Punk is in the ring as we…
BREAK
Rytman Remark: It’s their own fault for having the party on the main stage right before the main event.
We come back to a promo for Mania. Big Show, Orton, and Sheamus all make their entrances.
MAIN EVENT: FATAL 4-WAY – WINNER FACES UNDERTAKER AT WRESTLEMANIA- C.M. PUNK VS BIG SHOW VS RANDY ORTON VS SHEAMUS
No one wants to start with Big Show. Orton and Sheamus chase Punk into the ring. Show makes quick work of him. Show takes out Sheamus, Orton fakes out Show, Orton and Sheamus face off with Punk trying to steal a pin when one of them goes down. Sheamus catches Punk and bum-rushes him w/Orton’s help. Show back in, takes them both down. Show stands alone as we go to…
BREAK
When we come back, the pattern is quickly established. We get two guys one-on-one, and when one is down/out another steps in. Show takes over with a KO to Punk. It becomes Sheamus on Show with Orton in and out. Show misses the KO on Sheamus. Sheamus hits the Brogue kick on Show. Orton gets the RKO on Sheamus, AND PUNK GETS THE GTS ON ORTON FOR THE WIN!
WINNER: C.M. PUNK
RAW ends with the Undertaker on the stage, staring down Punk.
Tonight’s RAW is a special three hour edition they’re calling Old School RAW! However, before we get to tonight, I want to make a note about next week’s RAW. It’s live in Orlando, FL, and I’m going. But, because I know that you all can’t live without this review (haha… just kidding), I’m going to try to get up a RAW review on Tuesday of next week so that you can still have that. It just won’t be Monday night, because I’ll be exhausted. So yeah.
ONTO TONIGHT’S RAW!
On the list of VIPs tonight, Superfly Snuka, Mean Gene, Cowboy Bob Orton, Ted DiBiase Sr., and I already forgot what the commercial said. Damn, I’m not good at this memory stuff…
Cue the old school entrance with the weird 80s music! Must be Old School Night!! They even gave it a new old-school theme for tonight. That’s pretty cool. I approve, thus far. Very vintage feel. Shutting up now.
Holy crap, annoying siren of doom. Okay. Seriously, onto the RAW review. Holy crap, you can’t hear Cole over the siren. GO SIREN GO!
Jerry says that he’s there because most of his memories are in black and white and he’s excited for the legends. Justin Roberts is in the ring and introduces Mean Gene Okerlund!
Mean Gene says that tonight, RAW is Old School, and he introduces the first WWE Hall of Famer, Cowboy Bob Orton! Mean Gene starts to introduce Bob’s son, but Randy’s not there yet. Mean Gene says that’s good news and asks if Bob thinks that Randy will walk out WWE Champion? Bob says that Randy does what Randy wants to do, get what he wants, and knows how to deal from adversity. Bob remembers being called from school and being told that the teachers were afraid that Randy was going to beat them up. Bob doesn’t care about Cena’s career, and he doesn’t care if Randy gives Cena the RKO after giving it to Barrett. Before he can go on, Barrett comes out, looking rather shocked.
Barrett tells that ‘old man’ to listen carefully: His prediction about Randy’s chances are as phony as his cast. Barrett is going to defeat Randy, and when he does, he’s going to achieve something that Bob never did: Become WWE Champion. Barrett says that he doesn’t owe anything to the old school, and they didn’t pave the way for him: He did it himself. Everything he’s worked for is going to come to fruition this Sunday at Survivor Series. The only reason he didn’t bring Nexus out was because he wanted Bob to see him beat Randy.
AWESOME!
Miz repeats Barrett for a moment. Last week, when Miz told Randy he’d be on his team, he didn’t get a thanks, he just got stared down with those squinty Orton eyes. That was a bad move, and Miz sent a message right back to Randy, changing the landscape of the 10-Man Tag match, just like he can change the entire landscape of the WWE by cashing in his Money in the Bank contract. Maybe he’ll do it when Randy arrives tonight. That’d change things, wouldn’t it? Then, at Survivor Series, he and Randy wouldn’t be able to fight for the WWE title, and Cena would have to stay in the Nexus forever.
Miz is interrupted by Cena on the TitanTron, and says that Miz has the weird gift of ruining everything he touches, but Cena is going to make sure that Miz doesn’t cash in tonight. If he’s going to be free or fired at Survivor Series, he’s not going to put himself on the line for nothing. Miz will cash in nothing, because Cena challenges Miz to a match tonight for nothing. The normal Miz is probably looking to Riley, but if Miz is as “awesome” as he says he is, simply say ‘I accept’. Miz says that he makes the decisions, and accepts the match. Mean Gene then says that The Miz will go up against John Cena tonight. Raw is Old School! Hang onto your hats!
<COMMERCIAL>
@Niki_Sushi Dude…. You can see where Randy gets his harsh stare from. Wade’s gonna blow up if he gets both set on him at the same time. #BWF #RAW
@TKeep123 Love Bob Orton still wearing the cast on his wrist….it’s been what…25 years since he broke that arm? #WWE #RAW
@thinksojoe Love the hybrid #RAW set! #BWF
@divadirt Damn, even the guardrails are old school! #WWE
Intercontinental Champion Dolph Ziggler with Vickie Guerrero vs. Sexual Chocolate Mark Henry
Oh, God. I forgot about Mark Henry’s old name. This is killing me inside.
Ziggler starts by hitting Henry’s back for a few times before going for the sleeper hold. Henry throws him out of the ring, and Ziggler looks like he hit his ring already. Ziggler climbs back in the ring to run into a clothesline by Henry. Henry then Whips him across the ring, and he ducks under a clothesline only to attempt another sleeper. Henry backs him into the corner and then puts him on the turnbuckle before slapping him right out of the ring. Henry smiles at Vickie, who backs away, and then hurls Ziggler back into the ring. Ziggler takes out Henry’s knee when Henry gets back in and then covers him in hits. Ziggler goes for a cover, but Henry kicks out at one. A ‘chocolate’ chant is going on, and Henry gets back to his feet, launching Ziggler across the ring. Henry then takes Ziggler down with two clotheslines and a head butt. Ziggler gets an advantage back, but Henry power slams him and goes for a cover, but Ziggler gets his foot on the bottom rope. Henry gets back up and nudges Ziggler. Henry then blows a kiss to Vickie and then goes to droop onto Ziggler, who rolls out of the way. The chocolate chant goes up again, but Ziggler hits the Zig Zag! Henry kicks out at two, and then Ziggler hits it again. Henry kicks out at two again though! Ziggler then attempts the sleeper again, and locks it in as Henry lays on the ring floor. Henry seems to pass out. Good luck carrying him.
Intercontinental Champion Dolph Ziggler wins via submission/pass out.
Backstage, David Hart Smith and Tyson Kidd are walking together. Smith says that his dad and Dynamite Kid didn’t see eye to eye, but still managed to get along. Tony Atlas says that they can work it out, and then a bunch of other stuff, talking about how him and his tag partner, Rocky Johnson, if I heard right, took care of business when they had their issues. Tony Atlas keeps going, and oiling up with WD-40, but the Hart Dynasty ran away.
<COMMERCIAL>
@kickoutblog SEXUAL CHOCOLATE?!
@ThingsColeSays TONY ATLAS IS BACK!!!! AHH HEH HEH HEH AHH HEH HEH HEH
@HitTheRopes The return of Sexual Chocolate. Oh lord, the father of the hand is back. #WWE
We come back to Tony Atlas still going, but this time with Yoshi Tatsu, who is shaking his head, pantomiming suicide. Justin Gabriel and Heath Slater are in the ring.
WWE Tag Team Champions Justin Gabriel and Heath Slater vs David Hart Smith and Tyson Kidd
Smith and Gabriel start out, going to lock up, but Gabriel kicks Smith. Smith then throws Gabriel down, twice, but Gabriel retaliates by starting to lock his head legs around Smith’s head. Smith throws Gabriel down and then beats on him a little bit, Whipping him across the ring. He then hits one, two, three belly-to-belly suplexes into a cover, but Slater breaks it up. Gabriel tags in Slater, who is dropped as soon as he gets in. Smith goes for a cover, but Slater kicks out. Smith then slams into Slater, starting to slam him to the ground, but Gabriel distracts him, getting knocked outside the ring for it. Slater slams into Smith, and then tags in Gabriel. The two take turns slamming into Smith in their corner, then tag Slater back in. Slater goes for a cover, but Smith kicks out. Slater Whips Smith across the ring, and misses the chance to slam into him. Both men crawl to their corners, and Kidd moves instead of tagging in, and then kicks him in the face. Smith lays on the floor as Gabriel goes to the top rope, hitting the 450 Splash.
WWE Tag Team Champions Justin Gabriel and Heath Slater win via pinfall.
Smith glares at Kidd, who merely laughs back.
Mean Gene is backstage with WWE Champion, Randy Orton, with Cowboy Bob Orton. Mean Gene asks if Randy thinks he’ll walk out WWE Champion. Randy starts to respond, but Truth interrupts. Truth says that he hates to say it, but Cena knew exactly what he was doing when he held his shoulder down for the 123. People like to think that Cena has a choice: Free or Fight. Cena’s not going to fight, but Orton has a choice: Do something or let it happen. Randy says that everyone seems to have it figured out, but there is one way that he can prevent Cena from screwing him over: to punt him in the head tonight.
<COMMERCIAL>
@TKeep123 I sure hope JR gets at least a cameo. Best would be coming out and knocking Cole out of HIS chair! #WWE #RAW #BWF
@ThingsColeSays Kidd should’ve kicked Smith through the Barbershop window.
@HitTheRopes Did R-Truth get his wardrobe mixed in with The Brooklyn Brawler? #OLDSCHOOLRAW
@Niki_Sushi Randy: Guess I’ll just punt John. No biggie. Truth: Not.. what I meant. Randy: Don’t care. Truth: Shit. #BWF #RAW
@redsandman99 So R-Truth is like the token wise man now?
@kickoutblog Shoulda put him through a window, Tyson!
Mean Gene tells us to remember the Old School Vintage WWE Apparel is selling in WWEShop.com. Cool.
Justin Roberts asks us to welcome the only ring announcer to ever be inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame, Howard Finkel!
The Fink then tells us that he is going to introduce a man who is revered by many, feared by all: The Brooklyn Brawler with Harvey Wippleman. The Brawler takes the mic and asks if these people respect old school. He expected a standing ovation when he came to the ring, and he expects a standing ovation when his match is over. Wippleman says that the “king of old school” wants to challenge anyone from the new school to a match.
The Brooklyn Brawler vs Ezekiel Jackson
Brawler and Zeke stare at each other, and Brawler shoves Zeke, then tries to lift him. Zeke grabs him by the throat, throws him into the ropes, and then takes him down. The then flings him into the corner, then slams into him. Zeke then plants Brawler and goes for the cover.
Ezekiel Jackson wins via pinfall.
Well. That didn’t take long.
Still to come, John Cena takes on Mister Money in the Bank, The Miz!
<COMMERCIAL>
@Niki_Sushi Not running into a brick wall. That’s standing in front of a tank and waving. #BWF #RAW
@RingsideRants Why is Cole saying 2011? Does he not know what year it is?
@FakeGorilla Good to see Harvey Wippleman got his manager’s license renewed.
Nexus is backstage and Otunga says that he was almost excommunicated, but he stepped up. Now, it’s time that one of them step up. R-Truth is becoming a problem, and as the leader- Barrett walks in and says that he’s the leader. Otunga makes a good point though, someone does need to deal with Truth. That is going to be Otunga. Otunga says they’ve had beef since NXT anyway.
“Barrett, David Otunga will not face R-Truth, as Otunga will compete in a special match later on tonight. As for R-Truth, he will be in action tonight against you, Wade Barrett. What a better way to prove to everyone that, despite who the referee is this Sunday, you are truly WWE Championship material.”
THIS ISN’T OLD SCHOOL, COLE! King said the same thing. Ahaha.
Barrett says the GM raises a good point, and Harris says that Barrett knows they have his back. Barrett thanks them, but says it won’t be needed. He’s going to go out there and prove he can beat anyone on the RAW roster on his own, then asks what Cena wants. Cena merely smiles and then steps forward, saying that he wanted to make sure that he had a grasp on his meltdown and a thank you for taking care of the Miz. Barrett says that he wants Nexus to follow Cena to the ring just in case Orton tries to interfere. Cena says if Orton wants some, he can come get some.
<COMMERCIAL>
@FrankWWEClown A laptop? An iPod tone? A wireless microphone?! This is not old school, this is MADNESS!!! #OldSchoolRAW #WWE
@HitTheRopes They didn’t have Internet back then. #wwe
@thinksojoe We got Sexual Chocolate Mark Henry, why can’t we get Word Life John Cena? #RAW #BWF
@kickoutblog If it were TRULY old school, the GM would send messages in AOL’s WWE chat room.
@TKeep123 Will we see KANE with his mask? #WWE #RAW #BWF
BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR BAD WIG NIGHT!
John Cena vs Mister Money in the Bank The Miz
Tonight could be the last time we see Cena on RAW! I’d be very sad. And I wonder why Riley’s wearing trunks…
Miz takes the mic and says that Cena always thinks he’s one step ahead of Miz. Cena thinks that if he takes out Miz now, he can’t cash in the Money in the Bank briefcase tonight. If he takes Miz out right now, he has one less thing to worry about Sunday. The GM never officially sanctioned this match, Cena did. Miz says that if the GM doesn’t have a problem with it, Miz can make a substitution. Cole says he hasn’t heard anything, and Miz says that he guesses the GM doesn’t mind. Tonight, he won’t compete against Cena, instead Alex Riley will be. That answers my question. Miz says that Cena wants to face him, but he’ll have to wait until Wrestlemania after he becomes WWE Champion. Because he’s the Miz, and he’s awesome!
John Cena vs Alex Riley
Riley and Cena lock up, and Cena quickly flips Riley on his back. Cena then does it a second time. Cena seems to be screwing with Riley, and they start to lock up, but Cena kicks Riley, then tosses him again. Cena backs Riley into a corner, then runs into Riley’s elbow. Riley distracts the ref and Miz hits Cena. Riley takes advantage and plants Cena before going for a cover, only for Cena to kick out. Cena hits Riley with a low-blow, and then flings Riley across the ring. Cena runs right into the turnbuckle, however, and Riley takes the advantage. He throws Cena into the turnbuckle, and Cena bounces out, hitting some move, but the camera man knows for my love for Miz and was focused on him. Riley goes for a cover, but Cena kicks out. Riley gets Cena on his feet, but Cena throws Riley over his back, ducking a clothesline, hitting shoulder blocks, then planting Riley. Cena then tells Miz that Miz can’t see him, then hits the Five Knuckle Shuffle on Riley. Miz yells at Riley to not get up, and then Cena hits the Attitude Adjustment before locking in the STF, smirking at Miz.
John Cena wins via submission.
Miz gets in the ring, but Randy shoots down the ramp, taking out Orton, and then taking out McGuillicutty and Harris. Orton and Cena are in the ring, staring at one another. The two exchange blows, and then the refs climb in the ring to break them up, trying to pull Orton off Cena. The refs manage to pull them apart, and then a bunch of other guys climb in to make sure that they stay apart. Orton wants to beat the shit out of Cena. The crowd’s telling the guys to let them go.
“It’s obvious that John Cena and Randy Orton have issues they need to work out prior to Survivor Series. Since this is Old school, I can’t think of a better forum than in this very ring with a man who isn’t afraid to ask questions. Cena, Orton, later tonight, you will both be guests on Piper’s Pit.”
<COMMERCIAL>
@KeepItFiveStar Was Abraham Washington one of the guys breaking them up?
@kickoutblog Johnny Ace just tripped trying to get in the ring… shoulda rode his skateboard.
@ThingsColeSays Is Orton going old school by growing out his hair?
Well, when RAW would be starting, they play the entrance video one more time. Okay then… Wait, did they just restart RAW? Oh, no, they didn’t. I was a little scared.
The Fink is in the ring with Nikolai and the Iron Sheik. He then asks everyone to rise as Nikolai sings the Russian national anthem. We really just need Sheamus, and Sa-… Good for me!
Santino and Vladimir make their way down to the ring together. Santino apologizes for interrupting, and says that his tag team partner would love the honor of singing with him. Vladimir and Nikolai shake hands and then a USA chant starts. Vladimir grins and the two start. Santino even realizes this was a bad idea. He tries not to laugh, and fails, and then interrupts them again. Santino says it was… it was… crushingly terrible. Santino says that there is one song he would like them to hear, and it’s going to blow the roof off this place. It’s the story of his life, and he needs help to sing it. Slick makes his way to the ring.
Sheik starts yelling about Hogan, but no one can hear him over Slick’s theme. Sheik looks like he’s ready to blow a bitch up… Wait, what?
Santino asks Sheik what he thinks about that. Sheik says that without the Iron Sheik, something about Hulkamania, then tells everyone to shut up. Someone cuts off his mic, and then the Usos come out. It’s a cultural cluster fuck. Jesus.
Anyway, a match is next. Goodie.
<COMMERCIAL>
@StrikerSays We need Kurt Angle to come out and defend the honor of his country again.
@kickoutblog The Soviet National Anthem? I guess no one’s had the heart to tell ol’ Nikolai, have they?
@FrankWWEClown Here we go! @the_ironsheik is about to make the @WWEUniverse humble! He put you in the camel clutches!!! F*** the Santino! #OldSchoolRAW
@RingsideXcess LOL at Sheik shooting on Hogan.
Jimmy and Jey Uso with Tamina and Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka vs. Santino Marella and Vladimir Kozlov for the Number One Contender to the WWE Tag Team Champions
We come back to the Usos already fighting Santino. They tag, but I can’t tell which one’s in. I don’t know the difference between him. Santino gets taken down by Uso 1. Uso 1 tags in Uso 2. Santino flings Uso 2 over and then is rolled all the way over to his own corner, and Vladimir tags in, catching Uso 2 in mid air and flinging him back toward his own corner. Snuka seems a bit unimpressed, to be honest. Vladimir tags in Santino, who is shoved like a battering ram into Uso 2. Santino goes for a cover, but Uso kicks out. Santino tags back in Kozlov, who drops Uso, face-first, onto the turn buckle. Kozlov then picks up Uso and doesn’t see that the other Uso is tagged in. Uso then goes for a cover, only for Kozlov to kick out. Uso then plants Kozlov and goes for another cover. Uso gets Kozlov in a headlock, and Santino screams at Kozlov to ‘come here’. Kozlov fights out, only for Uso to plant him and then tag in the other Uso. Uso then drops into Kozlov and knocks Santino out of the ring. The Usos us3 this time to double team Kozlov. Uso pins Kozlov, but Kozlov kicks out at two. The Usos are thrown into Kozlov, and then go for a cover, but Kozlov kicks out at two. Kozlov stretches for Santino, who is yelling at him to move. Kozlov keeps trying to push Uso off of him, but it doesn’t work . Uso then tries to take out Santino, blocks it. Santino and the other Uso are tagged in, Santino dominates. Santino goes for a cover, but the other Uso goes to break it up, but Kozlov plants him. Santino then hits the Cobra.
Vladimir Kozlov and Santino Marella win via pinfall.
Sheamus then Brogue kicks Kozlov, then the Usos. Santino pleads for mercy, but Sheamus shoves him down. Morrison runs out to the ring and tricks Sheamus into running to the ropes, only to flip him over the top rope. Morrison hits a spinning kick on Sheamus, then takes a mic. Morrison says that he keeps doing this because Sheamus is a bully. One thing he learned about bullies is that when they feel threatened, they turn and walk away. Sheamus keeps looking for fights in all the wrong places. If Sheamus wants to fight, Morrison is right there. Sheamus pulls off his shirt and looks like he’s going to the ring, but Sheamus walks away.
<COMMERCIAL>
@TKeep123 One of these days….they’ll learn…. FEAR THE COBRA! #WWE #RAW #BWF #OldSchoolRaw
@Niki_Sushi I love how the Cobra is considered the Golden Gun of the WWE world. Same with the Orton Punt. #BWF #RAW
@kickoutblog Slick left ringside because he’s afraid of Tamina. Why? Because she is a biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig woman. #JiveSoulBro
@dasharpshooters: Sheamus came out of nowhere. He must have been camoflauged on the white ropes. #wwe #OldschoolRaw #raw
I can’t take Justin Roberts seriously with that damn hair… I really can’t.
David Otunga vs. Kofi Kingston
As my best friend and I said Smackdown, Kofi looks weird in blue. I got used to him in painful yellow. Anyway, why is it that the Smackdown guys both got the interviews?
Otunga takes a couple hard kicks from Kingston, who seems to find this amusing. Kingston ducks a clothesline and gets Otunga in a headlock. Otunga catches Kingston and drops him on the mat. And then again. And one more time. Otunga then goes for a cover, but Kingston kicks out. My cat started watching right now, by the way. If he’s an Otunga fan, I’ll have to send him to the Chinese place up the street. Anyway, Kingston fights out of the headlock Otunga had him in, and Otunga drops Kingston, going for a cover. Kingston kicks out at one, and Otunga plants his knee in Kingston’s back before Kingston fights to his feet. Kingston gets momentum and fights Otunga into a corner, getting pulled off Otunga by a ref. Kingston hits a hard drop kick on Otunga, and then Kingston plants Otunga, who plants him, in a double clothesline. George “The Animal” Steele makes his way to the ring, and the fans point him to the ring. He climbs into the ring, green tongue out, before he yells about eating. The ref tells him no, and he turns around to bite apart the other turnbuckle. Otunga stands up and looks at him like he needs to go to the asylum down the street, and the ref gets Steele out of the ring. Kingston reminds Otunga he’s in a match by planting Otunga into the exposed turnbuckle and hits the Trouble in Paradise.
Kofi Kingston wins via pinfall.
Morrison is backstage with Arn Anderson and Jerry Briscoe. Morrison says that he’s sick of Sheamus and shows some examples before Sheamus puts his boot in Morrison’s face. Sheamus says that he accepts Morrison’s challenge for a match at Survivor Series.
@TKeep123 OMG!!!!! George THE ANIMAL STEELE….GREEN tongue and all! What a wonderful man! #WWE #RAW #BWF #OldSchoolRaw
@StrikerSays I just LOLed at that big boot.
@Niki_Sushi This is truly the night of bad wigs. #BWF #RAW
@redsandman99 *snickers* I like JoMo but I won’t lie. I laughed when Sheamus kicked him
Aksana is walking with the Million Dollar Title backstage and Hacksaw Jim Duggan says that Aksana’s mom is over there and she’s been stealing his bit. Aksana says that she’s lost weight, and Dusty Rhodes says that he isn’t her momma. A net drops on her and Goldust takes the belt back. He then returns it to The Million Dollar Man, who walks up with IRS. Ted Jr. walks up and Ted Sr. gives it back to him. Ted says that there’s something else he wants that isn’t a hand me down. Cody shows up and says that that was far from Dashing. Goldust says that they should go over there and give him some of his grooming tips. Cody tells Goldust not to breathe on him, and walks away. Goldust tells Cody to help a brother out. Tatanka, Kelly Kelly, Ted Sr., IRS, Aksana, Dusty Rhodes, and Jim Duggan all dance. Ron Simmons sums this up perfectly.
“Damn.”
Later to come, Randy Orton and John Cena meet up on the Piper’s Pit.
Eve and R-Truth make their way to the ring for Truth’s match with Wade Barrett, next.
<COMMERCIAL>
@StrikerSays I often wonder if Ted DiBiase, Sr. even did The Laugh after punishing his sons.
@KeepItFiveStar Is “I will beat you with shovel” Aksana’s new catchphrase?
My heart hurts when Truth raps this new entrance, but it dies a little when Eve dances to it.
R-Truth with Eve vs. Wade Barrett
I hope Barrett pulls a Hannibal Lector and eats Truth’s face… Even though that would be nasty, and not PG at all.
Barrett and Truth circle one another before Barrett puts his foot in Truth’s stomach. Truth smacks Barrett before kicking him, and Barrett hurls Truth across the ring, but Truth does his fancy foot shit and avoids getting his ass kicked. Truth then clotheslines Barrett over the top rope. Truth then flips over the top rope and takes Barrett out. Truth then throws Barrett back into the room, nearly pulling his trunks down, and Truth goes to the top rope, jumping over Barrett who goes to knock him down. Barrett plants Truth, then holds him against the ropes. Barrett then suplexes Truth, who kicks out. Barrett then kicks Truth and drags him to a corner, who hits an elbow drop on Truth. Truth kicks out of Barrett’s cover at two. Barrett then plants Truth with a back breaker and goes for a cover, only for Truth to kick out. Both Orton and Cena are watching this match. Truth goes to steal a cover, but Barrett kicks out and beats Truth for it. Barrett gets Truth in a headlock, but Truth fights out, only to get Barrett’s knee in his stomach. Barrett runs into Truth’s face, and Truth takes the momentum with some hard clotheslines. Truth counters some kind of attempt at something, but Barrett kicks out of the cover. Truth drops Barrett on his stomach and goes for a cover, but Barrett kicks out. Truth misses an axe kick, and Barrett gets Truth up, but Truth fights to his feet. Barrett plants his foot in Truth’s face and then hits Wasteland.
Wade Barrett wins via pinfall.
Coming up: Orton and Cena are on Piper’s Pit.
<COMMERCIAL>
@C00kieCrumz: I hope Wade Barrett kills R-Truth. #wwe
@TKeep123 OK, EVE IS HOT and getting darker every week, but damn….. she really can’t dance to that rap. #WWE #RAW #BWF #OldSchoolRaw
@RingsideRants Eve’s dancing is so awesome, but not in a good way. In more of a, “wow this is terrible” kind of way.
@KeepItFiveStar Right time for you to SHUT UP!
@HitTheRopes Thank you very much, Wade. #wwe
And the entrance is played one more time! That siren is only cool because it drowns Cole out. King then strangles Cole a little, just for fun.
Ricardo starts to introduce Alberto del Rio, but is interrupted by Tito Santana, who introduces him instead. Chavo Classic is driving Alberto’s car. Sounds like an insult.
Alberto takes the mic and thanks Tito and Chavo Classic, then says that is name is Alberto del Rio, but we already knew that. He calls the Americans fat!! Thank you, Spanish class! And he tells us all that. He says he’s in the heart of the nation, a heart that will soon be stuffed by cholesterol and obesity. Anyway, he knows we’re here to celebrate the Old School. He thinks the old legends should follow Tito and Chavo and pay respect to him.
Sgt. Slaughter comes out to show him respect. Yeah, right. Slaughter scares me. Anyway, Slaughter tells Rio to shut his hole and listen up. There are two things you don’t mess with: legends and America. Rio wants respect? How about he earns it by facing Slaughter right here, right now, you scum, you slime, you maggot. A USA chant starts up as Rio laughs. Rio says something, but I haven’t got that far in Spanish. He then says to bring a referee right now.
Alberto del Rio vs Sgt. Slaughter
Rio beats Slaughter to his knees, and Rio mockingly salutes before Whipping Slaughter. Slaughter then gets him a hold, but Rio makes it to the ropes. Rio then elbows Slaughter in the neck, and hits a hard clothesline. Slaughter kicks out of the cover at two, and Rio puts him in a headlock. A Slaughter chant breaks out. Slaughter fights to his feet, but takes a hard kick to the thigh. Slaughter ducks a clothesline, and locks in a hold, but del Rio gets out of it, flipping Slaughter over and throwing him into the corner before kicking him in the back of the head.
Alberto del Rio wins via pinfall.
Rio kicks Slaughter and locks in his armbar. Slaughter taps, but del Rio doesn’t let up. MVP, however, chases del Rio out of the ring. Rio winks at MVP as MVP helps Slaughter to his feet.
<COMMERCIAL>
@KeepItFiveStar MVP? Did the RAW flight get stuck overseas again?
@kickoutblog Why wouldn’t Mysterio make the save there?
@HitTheRopes With his bald head and the black and green on, Sgt. Slaughter looks like a turtle. #wwe #raw
@TKeep123 Sgt. Slaughter out to check Alberto del Rio’s GREEN CARD! “Shut your hole, you puke!” #WWE #RAW #OldSchoolRaw #BWF
@redsandman99 Ariba bitch!
@Lunna1969 Ricardo just got his spot light jacked! #BWF #WWE #RAW
@seraphalexiel 😀 Spanish Announcers are always win. Always
<VIDEO PACKAGE: Wrestlemania XXVII tickets are on sale!>
Mean Gene introduces WWE Hall of Famer Mae Young. Mae comes out with none other than the Bellas. Mean Gene says that she has quite a storied past in the WWE, some even say she was the very first Diva. Mae says that she’s 87. That’s all I caught. Mean Gene says that there are so many unforgettable moments in her career.
<VIDEO PACKAGE: Mae Young>
LayCool interrupts Mean Gene and Mae Young. Michelle says they’re a little confused? Is this Old School RAW or Jurassic Park? They ask how it feels to know that they have a Championship when she’ll never have one. LayCool makes an adult diaper joke and tells the Bellas to change her. Mae says she wants a match with those sluts, with no disqualification, and then calls them bitches. LayCool begin laughing and run away from Mae. LayCool says they want to make it a falls count anywhere. Then they tell the guys to ring the bell.
LayCool vs Mae Young in a No DQ Falls Count Anywhere Match
Divas come out to join her. Natalya, Eve, Melina, and Gail chase LayCool down and proceed to beat LayCool up. Layla then gets a hard slap by Mae before getting a clothesline by Natalya. The Divas then put one of Mae’s feet on Layla, and the ref counts it.
Mae Young wins via pinfall.
<COMMERCIAL>
@dasharpshooters Mae Young just called Laycool sluts and bitches. HARDCORE LIKE A MUTHAFUCKA. #wwe #Oldschoolraw TV-14
@kickoutblog Who would’ve thought Mae Young on a mic was more dangerous than The Iron Sheik?
@KeepItFiveStar Mae Young is breakin down the PG barriers!
@HitTheRopes I guess they forgot to tell Mae Young they were PG. LOL. “These two sluts…” #wwe
@ThingsColeSays LOL King marking the fuck out!
@redsandman99 I’m absolutely dying here. Sluts, bitches…Mae Young with a live mic is awesome.
@TKeep123 Mae Young slapping the taste out of Layla’s flawless mouth! ..and the PIN! YES! #WWE #Raw #BWF #OldSchoolRaw
The Fink asks us to welcome the special guest commentator for this match: JR! I marked the hell out. I LOVE JR!!!! He and Lawler are my favorite commentators. Shut the fuck up Cole.
United States Champion Daniel Bryan vs. Jack Swagger
Bryan and Swagger lock up, and Swagger keeps his hands on Bryan. Bryan manages to fight out, only to deliver a hard kick to Swagger. Cole pretends to doze off, and Swagger gets Bryan on his back. They both try to lock in their own submissions, and Bryan manages to fight out of Swagger’s set up, grazing Swagger’s head with a kick. JR and Lawler continue to ignore Cole. Swagger has his hands around Bryan’s waist and holds on tight. Bryan avoids some this by Swagger, who runs face first into Bryan’s feet. Bryan goes for a cover, and Swagger kicks out. Bryan keeps kicking Swagger hard. Bryan climbs up the ropes to avoid getting beat, and Swagger kicks him out of the ring.
<COMMERCIAL>
@StrikerSays JR just keeps shutting Cole DOWN with slobberknockers of ignoring.
@KeepItFiveStar I love how Jim Ross is just no selling Michael Cole
@TKeep123 JR dissing Michael Cole…. My night is complete! #WWE #Raw #BWF #OldSchoolRaw
@divadirt OMG! JR & King reunion. Someone mute Cole’s mic please. #WWE
@kickoutblog MOTHER.FUCK.YES.JR!
@ThingsColeSays First JR, now Daniel Bryan. LOL. Cole is gonna kill himself!
@HitTheRopes And there is @JRsBBQ and all is right with Raw. #wwe
@JCenadotcom Who’s hoping that Cole gets a beating courtesy of good ole’ JR [and King]?
It made me smile to come back to JR’s voice. Swagger has Bryan around the waist and Swagger plants Bryan, going for a cover before Bryan kicks out. Bryan shakes it off and then is grabbed around the head by Swagger. Swagger and Bryan roll around the ring for a little bit before Swagger climbs back into the ring. Swagger walks right into a kick by Bryan, and then gets knocked out of the ring. Bryan plants his feet in Swagger’s face, then proceeds to keep kicking swagger. Swagger locks in the ankle lock, but Bryan gets out of it. Swagger then avoids getting kicked in the face again. Swagger jumps off the second rope and onto Bryan, going for a cover, but Bryan kicks out at two. King tells Cole to shut the hell up. Swagger then jumps off the second rope again to land on Bryan. Swagger grabs Bryan around the waist and attempts the Gut Wrench, but Bryan fights it, going to attempt the LaBell, but Swagger hits the backbreaker. Swagger attempts another Gut Wrench, but Bryan kicks Swagger in the face again. This time, for the win.
Daniel Bryan wins via pinfall.
Ted DiBiase runs into the ring and proceeds to beat the hell out of Bryan, then hits the Dream Street. Ted then takes the United States Championship and climbs in the ring. He holds it up, and then Maryse makes her way down to him. JR says his goodbyes, and I cry on the inside.
At Survivor Series, Edge and Kane will face off for the World Heavyweight Championship! The traditional match is Team Mysterio vs Team del Rio. Mysterio, Show, Masters, MVP, Kofi vs del Rio, Reks, Swagger, and someone else I missed. Sorry. Sheamus and Morrison are going head to head too! Then, there’s going to be Randy Orton vs Wade Barrett for the WWE Championship, where Cena will be freed or fired.
JR smacks Cole with his hat and gives kids high fives and what not as he heads out. Love that man.
Up next, Cena and Orton are going to meet up in Piper’s Pit.
<COMMERCIAL>
@kickoutblog JR hitting Michael Cole with his hat should be added to the Raw intro video.
@Niki_Sushi Jerry just legit pointed and laughed at Cole. My night has been made three times already. #BWF #RAW
@bethsharae Beat the crap out of him JR! #Raw
@TKeep123 Ted Dibiase apparently jealous of Daniel Bryan’s beard… #WWE #Raw #BWF #OldSchoolRaw
@ThingsColeSays Ahahahahahahahaah, now Cole said “belt.” He’s fucking losing it! This is awesome!
@seraphalexiel SLOBBERKNOCKER! And…. this was the best RAW moment in a long time
@redsandman99 Nothing says shut the fuck up like a bitchslap with a cowboy hat.
We welcome the legends back out to the stage, and they all line up. Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka, Cowboy Bob Orton, IRS, Tito Santana, Sgt. Slaughter, Hacksaw Jim Duggan, The Brooklyn Brawler, Chavo Classic (who mentioned Eddie), Mean Gene Okerlund, Howard Finkel, Mae Young, Jerry Brisco, Ted DiBiase Sr., Slick, Tatanka, Tony Atlas, Arn Anderson, Ron Simmons, Dusty Rhodes, George “The Animal” Steele, JR!, The Iron Sheik, and Nikolai Volkoff.
Now, we welcome the other legend, Rowdy Roddy Piper, who’s looking a little older than he did at the Madison Square Garden RAW he guest hosted last year.
Rowdy says that we’re gonna make some history. Old school isn’t about nostalgia, it’s about a time when you had to man up, when you had to stand up to the plate, like when Captain Lou was being honored with an award and Piper hit him with a record. When he hit Snuka in the head with a coconut. It was a time when you had a problem, and you did something about it. His first guest is John Cena.
BRRRRRRRRRR WE LOVE JR!
Roddy says that he’s a fan of Cena’s, and he’s a helluva man. Roddy has to tell him that he has been competing over 30 years, and he’s never been the WWE Champion. It does eat at him a little bit. Many many other legends have never been the WWE Champion. And if Cena’s gonna do what Roddy thinks he’s gonna do, and he’s gonna give that SOB Wade Barrett the WWE Championship without him deserving it, then what Cena’s doing is spitting in the face of all those legends that he says he respects. Roddy’s askin him not to spit in his face, Cena. Cena’s been a man ever since he walked in. Consequences be damned, do the right thing. For weeks Cena’s had to hear free or fired, free from Nexus or fired from the WWE. At times, he doesn’t know what the right thing is. It’s not that easy. From the moment Cena got here, he’s worked as hard as he can. So, when guys like Piper look at the WWE, they look at Cena, and say they could have hung with them. He’s got a lot of respect, and he looked up to them as a kid. He’s been thinking about it a lot, but after all the work he’s done, he’s not going to give the WWE Championship up. Everybody wants to know the decision: If Randy Orton wins at Survivor Series, he earns it. If Wade Barrett wins, then he earns it. Cena’s calling the match down the middle. Barrett interrupts and says well said Cena. Barrett agrees 100%, just call it down the middle. HE proved tonight that he can beat anyone on the RAW roster without Cena’s help. They were magnificent words, but that’s the problem; They’re just words. They both know there’s a reality in place here. The reality is this: if Barrett doesn’t get his hand raised, if he doesn’t win the WWE Title, Cena’s finished, it’s all over. Piper puts a hand over Barrett’s mic and tells him to shut up. He says that if Barrett lets Cena give him that WWE Championship – then spits at Barrett for not look in at him – at the end of the day, he may have the WWE Championship, but he won’t be a champion, he’ll be a joke. Barrett asks who Piper is to cast judgment on him. One way or another, this is Cena’s final night on RAW as Nexus. It may be Cena’s final RAW ever. Sunday, Barrett either sets him free or fires him. If this is indeed his final RAW, he wants to do something he should have done weeks ago, and he’s disappointed that it’s taken this long. He tells Cena to put on the Nexus shirt. Barrett says that if Cena doesn’t put it on now, Cena’s fired on the spot. Cena changes shirts. Man still looks good in black. Cena says he hopes that Barrett’s happy. Barrett’s his boss until Sunday. When that match is over, win or lose, Cena’s going to turn Barrett’s face to mush. Barrett says that he’s heard all those threats, and Nexus may be banned from ringside, but the moment he becomes WWE Champion, they will hit the ring and neutralize any threat from Cena. Barrett has Cena in his back pocket.
Holy God long wall of text is done, but RAW isn’t.
I hear voices in my head…
Orton merely glances at Cena before looking at Barrett, then back at Cena. Orton says ever since Cena counted 123 on him last week, all he’s thought about is putting an end to this by kicking him in the skull. Cena says that he’s right there. Orton says that he’s thought of a better option. He could take Cena out, or. Orton then takes Barrett down and ducks a clothesline before hitting a scoop slam. Cena and Piper stand in the corners as Orton pounds on the mat. Cena moves between Orton and Barrett, and then drops a foot on Barrett’s head before RKO’ing Cena. Orton sets up for a punt, but Orton goes for the punt and misses. Cena hits the Attitude Adjustment on Orton. Cena holds his head, and Barrett climbs back in the ring, grinning pretty happily. He walks up to Cena, who scowls at him, and then tells Cena to raise his arm. Cena lifts Barrett up and hits him with an Attitude Adjustment too. Piper raises Cena’s hand on the ramp.
Well, interesting episode, but not much of a build up for Survivor Series…
Next week, I’ll be at RAW in Orlando, so the RAW review may be up on Tuesday. That’s my plan! I’ll see you all next week!!
As we start, I’m having issues with my computer. Anyways, Freddie
Prinze, Jr. kicks the show off, as he’s tonight’s guest host. He’s a lifelong WWE fan, just like us. He’s got the closet full of action figures, he’s got the Colusseum Home Videos hosted by Mean Gene, and he even had the WWF Superstars of Ice Cream Bars that would make you vomit if you ate them, but tonight’s about the WWE Universe! He decides that we’re going to start SummerSlam right here tonight! The Divas and United States Championships are on the line tonight. Also tonight, the return of DX! But he’s not finished…
He’s interrupted by some ominous sounding music, and some guy in black leather and a hook in his hand, apparently from “I Know What You Did Last Summer” (which sucked, BTW), makes his way down to the ring. The guy takes the microphone and tells him he knows what he did last summer. And he knows what he’s going to do this Summer. You’re going “to put me in one of your mooooovieees!” It’s Santino! He says he would be a good fisherman, and he has written a screenplay called “I know what you did about 12 Summers Ago.” He says he could be in a romantic comedy. He puts on a wig and glasses as the melody from “Kiss Me” plays. He says he’s obviously a nerd, but then Freddy made a bet with the guy from The Fast and the Furiest, and then, Pow, Santino is like a sexy, hot guy. They could call it, “He’s All That.” Freddie thinks it’s good, but Santino needs a little help. Santino says he needs something more current. He points out that Prinze will be in “24,” and Santino thinks he needs a partner. Santino goes into FBI mode and interrogates Lillian Garcia. He tells Prinze to call Keifer Sutherland, and his wife the werewolf slayer, and tell them that Santino Marella is an actor. Prinze says that he’ll call everybody, but Santino has to spend the next two hours rehearsing. Prinze says at least there’s no Scooby Doo joke. Anyways, he’s got a match to make tonight. In the main event, it’s going to be so sick…
I hear voices in my head…
The WWE Champion interrupts. Tonight he’s teaming with John Cena, but screw that. He doesn’t have to team with Cena, so he won’t. Prinze reminds him that he’s in his hometown. Orton says he doesn’t care if the fans get to see him wrestle or not. It’s not about them. He’s the WWE Champion and it’s about him. He’s not going to ask again. Orton tells Prinze to take him out of this match. Prinze asks if he looks like Seth Green or Jeremy Piven. He tells Orton not to try and bully him. Sgt. Slaughter made the match, and he’s not going to change it. He will compete tonight, he will team with Cena, and he will face the Unified Tag Team Champions. Orton grabs Prinze and drops him with his neckbreaker/backbreaker combo. Referees and EMTs make their way out to check on Prinze as the WWE Champion slithers his way back up the ramp.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
Before the break, Orton hit Freddie Prinze Jr. with a neckbreaker. He’s been taken to a nearby medical facility, and we’ll get an update on his condition later on in the show, hopefully.
Meanwhile, this match is scheduled for one fall and it is for the United States Championship!
Tradition be damned, the United States Champion, Kofi Kingston is out first for this match. This past Thursday on WWE Superstars, Carlito pinned Kofi in a mixed tag match. Guess who Kofi’s opponent is? That’s right, it’s Carlito, who is accompanied by Rosa Mendez.
Kofi Kingston def. Carlito to retain the United States Championship
Kofi always gets the most random challengers for his title. There’s like no structure whatsoever to the United States title picture. Of course, that fact alone makes the United States Championship scene infinitely more interesting than the recurring Randy Orton/John Cena/Triple H theme of the World Championship scene. Anyways, Carlito takes the early offense, even tossing the Champion out of the ring as we head to a…
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
Carlito dominated during the break, and he continues that as we come back. Kofi finally starts to battle back, but catches a boot straight to the face, earning Carlito a two. It’s all Carlito for a few more minutes, but Kofi finally turns it around and quickens the pace of the match. He gets a two off of the Thunderclap Leg Drop, and another one off of a second rope cross-body. He scores another one on an uppercut that looked like it knocked out a tooth. He goes for a top rope corss body, but Carlito rolls through and scores a two count. Kofi misses a Trouble In Paradise, and Carlito hits a neckbreaker for two. Carlito goes for teh backstabber, but it’s reversed, and Kofi hits Trouble In Paradise and retains the US Championship!
We’re waiting for the arrival of DX. If that were anybody other than Triple H and Shawn Michaels showing up this late for work, they’d be fired.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
DX is reuniting tonight. Hey, let’s look at DX’s greatest hits!
The Miz is rocking some new tights. And a new contract – he won it last week by outsmarting Eugene. The Miz says that two weeks ago he was banned from RAW, so now he stands before us a new man. New attitude, new look, same mouth. In a few short moments, he’ll be embarking on the most remarkable turnaround in WWE history as he starts his quest to become the new United States Champion. Kofi should enjoy his belt while he can, because that title will be The Miz’s. Because he’s The Miz – and he’s – AWESOME!
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
Evan Bourne is the most over guy on the roster behind Jeff Hardy, and he’s on his way to the ring to face The Miz.
The Miz def. Evan Bourne
This match is all The Miz, who is stretching Bourne like a new student in the Hart Dungeon. Bourne finally mounts a comeback, scoring a two with a standing moonsault. He takes The Miz down and climbs the ropes, but The Miz knocks him down. Bourne jumps on The Miz’s shoulders, but The Miz puts him down and hits him with the Skull Crushing Finale for the victory.
RAW’s been on for 54 minutes, and we’re still waiting for DX – who are apparently supposed to be on NEXT!
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
Two weeks ago, Triple H lost to Legacy and then verbally buried them. Then last week, Hunter found Shawn working as a chef and invited him back to the WWE.
DX’s limo shows up, and HBK has second thoughts. Triple H talks him into coming to the ring. As their walking to the ring, Jillian starts singing their theme song, and Hunter puts a trash can over her. Santino does his CSI act, and HBK superkicks him. Triple H points out that Santino didn’t mean to harm them, and HBK says he knows.
Are you ready?
I’M READY!
Degeneration X make their way to the ring. It’s 10:05 and they finally showed up for work. The first hour of this show was pretty good. The rest of it will probably suck now. Shawn finally hands Triple H his microphone at 10:07. Yep. Two minutes of DX running around like idiots. Hunter finally asks the question on everybody’s mind at 10:09. Are you ready? No, Hunter. We’re not. Maybe if this were 1997 we would be, but I don’t think we’ll ever be ready for another reincarnation of DX until the WWE decides to cater to the fans instead of the boss. Thankfully, we’re saved from another terrible DX segment by Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase, who toss Triple H out of the ring and double team HBK for a moment before The Game tries – and fails – to make the save (World Wrestling Insanity reader vinrob says “I guess they weren’t ready”). Rhodes takes HBK’s boot off of his foot, and he hits Hunter with it. They leave DX lying, and DiBiase tells Triple H that, to answer his question, yes, they’re ready.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
WrestleMania 25 will be on NBC on August 29. Hopefully it’ll be as cool as last year’s NBC broadcast of WrestleMania 24.
Before the break, Legacy (thankfully) took out DX.
The following contest is scheduled for one fall and is for the WWE Divas Championship.
Mickie James makes her way out to the ring (again, tradition be damned.) Her opponent tonight is Gail Kim.
Mickie James def. Gail Kim to retain the WWE Divas Championship
Holy crap. This is two WWE Television shows in a row that have a one on one Divas match. Hell has officially frozen over. The difference between this one and the one on SmackDown, of course, is that these are two women who can actually wrestle. Gail Kim, of course, a former WWE Women’s Champion and the first ever TNA Knockouts Champion, and Mickie James a former multiple time WWE Women’s Champion prior to her current run as WWE Divas Champion. Mickie James knocked Gail Kim the hell out with a forearm to the face to pick up the win.
After the match, Mickie helps Gail up to her feet.
Earlier tonight, Randy Orton took out guest host Freddie Prinze, Jr.
Prinze is supposedly back in the building. Josh Matthews is standing by with John Cena. Cena does a lame promo, complete with a poop joke, making fun of Orton not wanting to wrestle in his match tonight. He finishes by saying that after SummerSlam, the champ will be here. Jericho interrupts and says that the champs are here. Big Show tells him he might not make it to SummerSlam.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
Last week, MVP beat Chris Masters and was then attacked by Jack Thwagger Swagger.
MVP def. Jack Swagger by disqualification
Neither guy gets an entrance. That’s how important this match is in the grand scheme of things. Swagger hauls off on MVP in the corner, earning the disqualification.
After the match, MVP attacks Swagger, who retreats. Seriously, DX’s entrance was longer than the entire segment for that match.
Freddie Prinze Jr. tells the trainer that he’s coming out to the ring. The trainer doesn’t think that’s a good idea, and neither does Jerry Lawler, but he’s coming to the ring anyway.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
Chavo Guerrero is here. He’s in a falls count anywhere match this week. Guess who his opponent is. Go on, guess. That’s right, kiddies, it’s Hornswoggle, again.
Hornswoggle vs. Chavo Guerrero
Hornswoggle escapes unter the ring, and Chavo goes after him. Then we get a shot of the empty ring for a minute before Chavo emerges with a toilet seat. Hornswoggle laughs at him from the other side of the ring and Chavo gives chase. Chavo asks Primo where Hornswoggle went. Primo points him in a direction down the hall. Chavo asks if Primo is lying. Primo says that Chavo’s gonna lose him. Chavo goes after him, and asks a couple other guys. They poit him in the same direction. Chavo walks down the hall, which is adorned with St. Louis Blues logos, prompting a “Let’s Go Blues” chant from the fans. Chavo opens a door and gets knocked out by a paint can, a la Home Alone, allowing Hornswoggle to cover him for yet another victory.
Chavo gets up and sees Mark Henry, accusing him of setting up the paint can, but Henry says it wasn’t me. Henry walks away, and Macaulay Culkin appears and tells him it’s not funny.
The King and Michael Cole run down the SummerSlam card.
The Unified WWE Tag Team Champions are walking backstage and are ready for their match tonight against John Cena and Randy Orton.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
This week’s guest host for the BWF RAW results is the Empress of Impact, Drowgoddess. Take it away, Drow!
We return from a commercial break.
A video package on boxer Floyd “Money” Mayweather, his high-rolling lifestyle, and his entertainment skills airs. Mayweather will host RAW next week.
A WWE.com poll. “Can Randy Orton and John Cena defeat the Unified Tag Team Champions of Chris Jericho and the Big Show?” 76% say “Yes,” 24% say “No.” Ouch! SO much for the tag team champs.
Big Show and Jericho enter first. The champions entering last seems to be a thing for the history books now. Orton is next, and Cena last. Different music plays, and Freddie Prinze, Junior comes out. He tells Orton that he’s stealing a page out of Orton’s own book. This match just became a lumberjack match! Prinze has hand-picked all the lumberjacks, and they don’t like Orton very much. Out come the lumberjacks. Primo, Mark Henry, Evan Bourne, Kofi Kingston, MVP, and Jamie Noble. They surround the ring. We go to commercial break.
When we return from commercial break, the match has already begun. Big Show has Cena in a rear bear hug around the waist. Cena tries to elbow his way out, but Big Show knocks Cena down. Cena crawls to his corner and attempts to tag in Orton. Orton turns his back and steps away. Big Show gets Cena in the corner, but Cena dropkicks Big Show’s knees. Cena rushes to his side of the ring and flips Orton into the ring over the top rope. Big Show spears Orton, who rolls out to the floor. The lumberjacks start to beat down Orton, and Mark Henry picks him up in a gorilla press and throws him back into the ring.
Big Show drops a leg across Orton’s chest, but Orton kicks out at two. Jericho tags in and attacks Orton with a barrage of punches from a mounted position. Jericho catches Orton in a sleeper hold, driving him down to one knee. Orton counters and crawls toward his corner, but Jericho pulls Orton back and tags in Big Show. Big Show hits another leg drop on Orton, but Orton again kicks out at two. Big Show clamps down on Orton’s shoulders and head before hurling him over in a suplex. Jericho tags in. Orton hits a surprise scoop slam on Jericho. Jericho locks in another sleeper hold on Orton, but Orton fights out with elbows. Jericho misses a Lionsault, and Orton crawls again toward his corner. Cena tags in. Cena dominates Jericho. Big Show grabs Cena by the throat from the apron, but Cena knocks Big Show to the floor. Cena hits the Attitude Adjuster on Jericho and gets the pin and three-count.
Post-match, Orton hits the RKO on Cena from behind. Jericho and Big Show jump Cena and beat him down. The lumberjacks run in to help, but all get thrown out of the ring. Cena hits a weak and mis-timed running shoulder block to Big Show’s midsection and knocks him through the ropes to the floor. Cena stands tall in the ring as Orton stands on the ramp with the title belt.
The End.
TSJ Thoughts: You know, as bad as RAW’s been lately, the first half of this show was pretty enjoyable. Then DX came out. It all went downhill from there – save for DX getting beaten down by Legacy and the random appearance of Macaulay Culkin moments after I typed “a la Home Alone” in this review. I haven’t seen the main event, but Cena won, so it couldn’t have been that entertaining. Definitely an improvement over the last few weeks, but RAW’s got a lot of work to do to get back to it’s former status of “can’t miss wrestling show.”
As we start, I’m having issues with my computer. Anyways, Freddie
Prinze, Jr. kicks the show off, as he’s tonight’s guest host. He’s a lifelong WWE fan, just like us. He’s got the closet full of action figures, he’s got the Colusseum Home Videos hosted by Mean Gene, and he even had the WWF Superstars of Ice Cream Bars that would make you vomit if you ate them, but tonight’s about the WWE Universe! He decides that we’re going to start SummerSlam right here tonight! The Divas and United States Championships are on the line tonight. Also tonight, the return of DX! But he’s not finished…
He’s interrupted by some ominous sounding music, and some guy in black leather and a hook in his hand, apparently from “I Know What You Did Last Summer” (which sucked, BTW), makes his way down to the ring. The guy takes the microphone and tells him he knows what he did last summer. And he knows what he’s going to do this Summer. You’re going “to put me in one of your mooooovieees!” It’s Santino! He says he would be a good fisherman, and he has written a screenplay called “I know what you did about 12 Summers Ago.” He says he could be in a romantic comedy. He puts on a wig and glasses as the melody from “Kiss Me” plays. He says he’s obviously a nerd, but then Freddy made a bet with the guy from The Fast and the Furiest, and then, Pow, Santino is like a sexy, hot guy. They could call it, “He’s All That.” Freddie thinks it’s good, but Santino needs a little help. Santino says he needs something more current. He points out that Prinze will be in “24,” and Santino thinks he needs a partner. Santino goes into FBI mode and interrogates Lillian Garcia. He tells Prinze to call Keifer Sutherland, and his wife the werewolf slayer, and tell them that Santino Marella is an actor. Prinze says that he’ll call everybody, but Santino has to spend the next two hours rehearsing. Prinze says at least there’s no Scooby Doo joke. Anyways, he’s got a match to make tonight. In the main event, it’s going to be so sick…
I hear voices in my head…
The WWE Champion interrupts. Tonight he’s teaming with John Cena, but screw that. He doesn’t have to team with Cena, so he won’t. Prinze reminds him that he’s in his hometown. Orton says he doesn’t care if the fans get to see him wrestle or not. It’s not about them. He’s the WWE Champion and it’s about him. He’s not going to ask again. Orton tells Prinze to take him out of this match. Prinze asks if he looks like Seth Green or Jeremy Piven. He tells Orton not to try and bully him. Sgt. Slaughter made the match, and he’s not going to change it. He will compete tonight, he will team with Cena, and he will face the Unified Tag Team Champions. Orton grabs Prinze and drops him with his neckbreaker/backbreaker combo. Referees and EMTs make their way out to check on Prinze as the WWE Champion slithers his way back up the ramp.
Note: I was planning on writing about all of the Pay Per View events on the WWE Calendar outside of the “Big Four,” but it would have been way too long. As such, I’m splitting it up in parts, which will be published every Sunday at noon (except for part three, which will be up next Wednesday) here on BoredWrestlingFan.com!
I’ve been a wrestling fan for as long as I can remember. The first promo I ever remember seeing was “Mean Gene” Okerlund interviewing Hulk Hogan about his upcoming steel cage match with King Kong Bundy a few weeks before WrestleMania 2. The period where I started watching the shows religiously was sometime after WrestleMania IV. I know this, because I remember all the hype about SummerSlam ’88 on Pay Per View. Back in 1988, the WWF, as it was known at the time, only held three Pay Per View events – WrestleMania IV, SummerSlam ’88, and the second annual Survivor Series. The following year, they added the Royal Rumble as a Pay Per View event (the first Royal Rumble event, featuring 20 competitors instead of 30, aired on the USA Network in January of 1998.), and we had “The Big Four” WWF Pay Per Views. Save for the “Tuesday in Texas” event in 1991, these remained the only PPV events the WWF held until the addition of “King of the Ring” in 1993.
In 1995, when the competition from WCW started to heat up following the advent of WCW Monday Nitro, both companies started to air several more Pay Per View events. Unlike WCW, who had full blown – and individually named – Pay Per Views every month, the WWF put on two hour events at a discounted price in the months outside of the five main PPVs, called “In Your House.” The “In Your House” PPVs eventually grew into three hour, full priced shows before finally evolving into the monthly events we know today.
With WWE’s purchase of WCW and ECW in 2001, they’ve experimented with holding up to two Pay Per View events per month, which didn’t work out too well, as we’re down now to 14 such events each year, the only two-PPV months being June with the newly re-branded Extreme Rules (Formerly One Night Stand) and Night of Champions, and November with Cyber Sunday and Survivor Series. Still, I feel as though I’m already paying too much for cable without adding an extra $40 every month for Pay Per View events.
In this series, I intend to convey my reasons why WWE – and by proxy, TNA – needs to cut back on the number of Pay Per Views a year, and do so on a per-event basis. Safe from cuts will be the “Big Four” events – Royal Rumble, WrestleMania, SummerSlam, and Survivor Series.
I present my arguments against No Way Out, after the jump! (more…)
