As we start, I’m having issues with my computer. Anyways, Freddie
Prinze, Jr. kicks the show off, as he’s tonight’s guest host. He’s a lifelong WWE fan, just like us. He’s got the closet full of action figures, he’s got the Colusseum Home Videos hosted by Mean Gene, and he even had the WWF Superstars of Ice Cream Bars that would make you vomit if you ate them, but tonight’s about the WWE Universe! He decides that we’re going to start SummerSlam right here tonight! The Divas and United States Championships are on the line tonight. Also tonight, the return of DX! But he’s not finished…
He’s interrupted by some ominous sounding music, and some guy in black leather and a hook in his hand, apparently from “I Know What You Did Last Summer” (which sucked, BTW), makes his way down to the ring. The guy takes the microphone and tells him he knows what he did last summer. And he knows what he’s going to do this Summer. You’re going “to put me in one of your mooooovieees!” It’s Santino! He says he would be a good fisherman, and he has written a screenplay called “I know what you did about 12 Summers Ago.” He says he could be in a romantic comedy. He puts on a wig and glasses as the melody from “Kiss Me” plays. He says he’s obviously a nerd, but then Freddy made a bet with the guy from The Fast and the Furiest, and then, Pow, Santino is like a sexy, hot guy. They could call it, “He’s All That.” Freddie thinks it’s good, but Santino needs a little help. Santino says he needs something more current. He points out that Prinze will be in “24,” and Santino thinks he needs a partner. Santino goes into FBI mode and interrogates Lillian Garcia. He tells Prinze to call Keifer Sutherland, and his wife the werewolf slayer, and tell them that Santino Marella is an actor. Prinze says that he’ll call everybody, but Santino has to spend the next two hours rehearsing. Prinze says at least there’s no Scooby Doo joke. Anyways, he’s got a match to make tonight. In the main event, it’s going to be so sick…
I hear voices in my head…
The WWE Champion interrupts. Tonight he’s teaming with John Cena, but screw that. He doesn’t have to team with Cena, so he won’t. Prinze reminds him that he’s in his hometown. Orton says he doesn’t care if the fans get to see him wrestle or not. It’s not about them. He’s the WWE Champion and it’s about him. He’s not going to ask again. Orton tells Prinze to take him out of this match. Prinze asks if he looks like Seth Green or Jeremy Piven. He tells Orton not to try and bully him. Sgt. Slaughter made the match, and he’s not going to change it. He will compete tonight, he will team with Cena, and he will face the Unified Tag Team Champions. Orton grabs Prinze and drops him with his neckbreaker/backbreaker combo. Referees and EMTs make their way out to check on Prinze as the WWE Champion slithers his way back up the ramp.
Before the break, Orton hit Freddie Prinze Jr. with a neckbreaker. He’s been taken to a nearby medical facility, and we’ll get an update on his condition later on in the show, hopefully.
Meanwhile, this match is scheduled for one fall and it is for the United States Championship!
Tradition be damned, the United States Champion, Kofi Kingston is out first for this match. This past Thursday on WWE Superstars, Carlito pinned Kofi in a mixed tag match. Guess who Kofi’s opponent is? That’s right, it’s Carlito, who is accompanied by Rosa Mendez.
Kofi Kingston def. Carlito to retain the United States Championship
Kofi always gets the most random challengers for his title. There’s like no structure whatsoever to the United States title picture. Of course, that fact alone makes the United States Championship scene infinitely more interesting than the recurring Randy Orton/John Cena/Triple H theme of the World Championship scene. Anyways, Carlito takes the early offense, even tossing the Champion out of the ring as we head to a…
Carlito dominated during the break, and he continues that as we come back. Kofi finally starts to battle back, but catches a boot straight to the face, earning Carlito a two. It’s all Carlito for a few more minutes, but Kofi finally turns it around and quickens the pace of the match. He gets a two off of the Thunderclap Leg Drop, and another one off of a second rope cross-body. He scores another one on an uppercut that looked like it knocked out a tooth. He goes for a top rope corss body, but Carlito rolls through and scores a two count. Kofi misses a Trouble In Paradise, and Carlito hits a neckbreaker for two. Carlito goes for teh backstabber, but it’s reversed, and Kofi hits Trouble In Paradise and retains the US Championship!
We’re waiting for the arrival of DX. If that were anybody other than Triple H and Shawn Michaels showing up this late for work, they’d be fired.
DX is reuniting tonight. Hey, let’s look at DX’s greatest hits!
The Miz is rocking some new tights. And a new contract – he won it last week by outsmarting Eugene. The Miz says that two weeks ago he was banned from RAW, so now he stands before us a new man. New attitude, new look, same mouth. In a few short moments, he’ll be embarking on the most remarkable turnaround in WWE history as he starts his quest to become the new United States Champion. Kofi should enjoy his belt while he can, because that title will be The Miz’s. Because he’s The Miz – and he’s – AWESOME!
Evan Bourne is the most over guy on the roster behind Jeff Hardy, and he’s on his way to the ring to face The Miz.
The Miz def. Evan Bourne
This match is all The Miz, who is stretching Bourne like a new student in the Hart Dungeon. Bourne finally mounts a comeback, scoring a two with a standing moonsault. He takes The Miz down and climbs the ropes, but The Miz knocks him down. Bourne jumps on The Miz’s shoulders, but The Miz puts him down and hits him with the Skull Crushing Finale for the victory.
RAW’s been on for 54 minutes, and we’re still waiting for DX – who are apparently supposed to be on NEXT!
Two weeks ago, Triple H lost to Legacy and then verbally buried them. Then last week, Hunter found Shawn working as a chef and invited him back to the WWE.
DX’s limo shows up, and HBK has second thoughts. Triple H talks him into coming to the ring. As their walking to the ring, Jillian starts singing their theme song, and Hunter puts a trash can over her. Santino does his CSI act, and HBK superkicks him. Triple H points out that Santino didn’t mean to harm them, and HBK says he knows.
Are you ready?
Degeneration X make their way to the ring. It’s 10:05 and they finally showed up for work. The first hour of this show was pretty good. The rest of it will probably suck now. Shawn finally hands Triple H his microphone at 10:07. Yep. Two minutes of DX running around like idiots. Hunter finally asks the question on everybody’s mind at 10:09. Are you ready? No, Hunter. We’re not. Maybe if this were 1997 we would be, but I don’t think we’ll ever be ready for another reincarnation of DX until the WWE decides to cater to the fans instead of the boss. Thankfully, we’re saved from another terrible DX segment by Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase, who toss Triple H out of the ring and double team HBK for a moment before The Game tries – and fails – to make the save (World Wrestling Insanity reader vinrob says “I guess they weren’t ready”). Rhodes takes HBK’s boot off of his foot, and he hits Hunter with it. They leave DX lying, and DiBiase tells Triple H that, to answer his question, yes, they’re ready.
WrestleMania 25 will be on NBC on August 29. Hopefully it’ll be as cool as last year’s NBC broadcast of WrestleMania 24.
Before the break, Legacy (thankfully) took out DX.
The following contest is scheduled for one fall and is for the WWE Divas Championship.
Mickie James makes her way out to the ring (again, tradition be damned.) Her opponent tonight is Gail Kim.
Mickie James def. Gail Kim to retain the WWE Divas Championship
Holy crap. This is two WWE Television shows in a row that have a one on one Divas match. Hell has officially frozen over. The difference between this one and the one on SmackDown, of course, is that these are two women who can actually wrestle. Gail Kim, of course, a former WWE Women’s Champion and the first ever TNA Knockouts Champion, and Mickie James a former multiple time WWE Women’s Champion prior to her current run as WWE Divas Champion. Mickie James knocked Gail Kim the hell out with a forearm to the face to pick up the win.
After the match, Mickie helps Gail up to her feet.
Earlier tonight, Randy Orton took out guest host Freddie Prinze, Jr.
Prinze is supposedly back in the building. Josh Matthews is standing by with John Cena. Cena does a lame promo, complete with a poop joke, making fun of Orton not wanting to wrestle in his match tonight. He finishes by saying that after SummerSlam, the champ will be here. Jericho interrupts and says that the champs are here. Big Show tells him he might not make it to SummerSlam.
Last week, MVP beat Chris Masters and was then attacked by Jack Thwagger Swagger.
MVP def. Jack Swagger by disqualification
Neither guy gets an entrance. That’s how important this match is in the grand scheme of things. Swagger hauls off on MVP in the corner, earning the disqualification.
After the match, MVP attacks Swagger, who retreats. Seriously, DX’s entrance was longer than the entire segment for that match.
Freddie Prinze Jr. tells the trainer that he’s coming out to the ring. The trainer doesn’t think that’s a good idea, and neither does Jerry Lawler, but he’s coming to the ring anyway.
Chavo Guerrero is here. He’s in a falls count anywhere match this week. Guess who his opponent is. Go on, guess. That’s right, kiddies, it’s Hornswoggle, again.
Hornswoggle vs. Chavo Guerrero
Hornswoggle escapes unter the ring, and Chavo goes after him. Then we get a shot of the empty ring for a minute before Chavo emerges with a toilet seat. Hornswoggle laughs at him from the other side of the ring and Chavo gives chase. Chavo asks Primo where Hornswoggle went. Primo points him in a direction down the hall. Chavo asks if Primo is lying. Primo says that Chavo’s gonna lose him. Chavo goes after him, and asks a couple other guys. They poit him in the same direction. Chavo walks down the hall, which is adorned with St. Louis Blues logos, prompting a “Let’s Go Blues” chant from the fans. Chavo opens a door and gets knocked out by a paint can, a la Home Alone, allowing Hornswoggle to cover him for yet another victory.
Chavo gets up and sees Mark Henry, accusing him of setting up the paint can, but Henry says it wasn’t me. Henry walks away, and Macaulay Culkin appears and tells him it’s not funny.
The King and Michael Cole run down the SummerSlam card.
The Unified WWE Tag Team Champions are walking backstage and are ready for their match tonight against John Cena and Randy Orton.
This week’s guest host for the BWF RAW results is the Empress of Impact, Drowgoddess. Take it away, Drow!
We return from a commercial break.
A video package on boxer Floyd “Money” Mayweather, his high-rolling lifestyle, and his entertainment skills airs. Mayweather will host RAW next week.
A WWE.com poll. “Can Randy Orton and John Cena defeat the Unified Tag Team Champions of Chris Jericho and the Big Show?” 76% say “Yes,” 24% say “No.” Ouch! SO much for the tag team champs.
Big Show and Jericho enter first. The champions entering last seems to be a thing for the history books now. Orton is next, and Cena last. Different music plays, and Freddie Prinze, Junior comes out. He tells Orton that he’s stealing a page out of Orton’s own book. This match just became a lumberjack match! Prinze has hand-picked all the lumberjacks, and they don’t like Orton very much. Out come the lumberjacks. Primo, Mark Henry, Evan Bourne, Kofi Kingston, MVP, and Jamie Noble. They surround the ring. We go to commercial break.
When we return from commercial break, the match has already begun. Big Show has Cena in a rear bear hug around the waist. Cena tries to elbow his way out, but Big Show knocks Cena down. Cena crawls to his corner and attempts to tag in Orton. Orton turns his back and steps away. Big Show gets Cena in the corner, but Cena dropkicks Big Show’s knees. Cena rushes to his side of the ring and flips Orton into the ring over the top rope. Big Show spears Orton, who rolls out to the floor. The lumberjacks start to beat down Orton, and Mark Henry picks him up in a gorilla press and throws him back into the ring.
Big Show drops a leg across Orton’s chest, but Orton kicks out at two. Jericho tags in and attacks Orton with a barrage of punches from a mounted position. Jericho catches Orton in a sleeper hold, driving him down to one knee. Orton counters and crawls toward his corner, but Jericho pulls Orton back and tags in Big Show. Big Show hits another leg drop on Orton, but Orton again kicks out at two. Big Show clamps down on Orton’s shoulders and head before hurling him over in a suplex. Jericho tags in. Orton hits a surprise scoop slam on Jericho. Jericho locks in another sleeper hold on Orton, but Orton fights out with elbows. Jericho misses a Lionsault, and Orton crawls again toward his corner. Cena tags in. Cena dominates Jericho. Big Show grabs Cena by the throat from the apron, but Cena knocks Big Show to the floor. Cena hits the Attitude Adjuster on Jericho and gets the pin and three-count.
Post-match, Orton hits the RKO on Cena from behind. Jericho and Big Show jump Cena and beat him down. The lumberjacks run in to help, but all get thrown out of the ring. Cena hits a weak and mis-timed running shoulder block to Big Show’s midsection and knocks him through the ropes to the floor. Cena stands tall in the ring as Orton stands on the ramp with the title belt.
TSJ Thoughts: You know, as bad as RAW’s been lately, the first half of this show was pretty enjoyable. Then DX came out. It all went downhill from there – save for DX getting beaten down by Legacy and the random appearance of Macaulay Culkin moments after I typed “a la Home Alone” in this review. I haven’t seen the main event, but Cena won, so it couldn’t have been that entertaining. Definitely an improvement over the last few weeks, but RAW’s got a lot of work to do to get back to it’s former status of “can’t miss wrestling show.”
Like this post? Subscribe to our RSS Feed today and never miss another!