Arnold Schwarzenegger is in New York today to be on one of my favorite TV shows! That’s right, he’s a guest on The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon to promote his new movie, Sabotage. And he’s also on some other show filming live from New York tonight – Brooklyn to be more precise. He’s one of the guest hosts of Monday Night RAW! But we’ll get there in a little bit. Some other stuff happens first. What kind of stuff? I guess you’ll have to read on!
I watched 2 hours of this show and still have no idea what happened, so I’ll start over and post my findings here. Go ahead, click the “Read More” link. You know you want to.
Joe, G, and JT are joined this week by WrasslorMonkey from Wrestling With Text, Jonkind from Wonderpod Online, our very own Drowgoddess, and have audio sent in by “Professor Salmon and Zwan.” This unique cast of characters spend the first hour giving their predictions and thoughts on tonight’s SummerSlam event from the WWE, and the second hour is spent, as usual, talking wrestling news. Topics of discussion this week include injuries to Yoshi Tatsu and Pope D’Angelo Dinero, reactions to Kevin Nash’s comments about Eddie Guerrero and Chris Benoit, A.W.’s continued ranting, JBL’s thoughts on wrestlers “stealing” moves, the Scooby Doo/WWE collaboration, Claire Lynch’s apparent TNA departure, and much, much more!
Hello, everyone!! Tonight’s RAW Review is going to be written similar to last week’s, mainly because it’s easier for me. I should be able to bounce back next Monday. Anywho, tonight, Randy faces Edge and John Cena goes one on seven against the Nexus!! What’ll happen!?
We kick off RAW with a flashback of last week, where John refused to shake Wade Barrett’s hand, and how the RAW GM made the matchup for tonight. You all remember that, right? No? Ah, well… Oh yeah! I almost forgot RAW had a theme. We haven’t seen it in a while. Oh, and the mom from The Brady Bunch is the guest host… Whoever she is… I already forgot her name. Oh!! It’s a six-on-one handicapped match!! Thanks to John kicking Darren Young’s ass last week, he can’t compete. Shame.
BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR SCOOBY DOO!
Cena starts by thanking the WWE Universe, then thanks the WWE Superstars who helped him last week. It was missing a white flash, white lightning, a white kid with red hair. Sheamus. Eventually, Sheamus will have to remember that they’re all in this together, but Sheamus will have to realize that Sheamus is not going to be the WWE Champion, because he’s going to lose it to John in the Steel Cage Match. Insert some Irish jokes, and then how Sheamus became WWE Champion twice. In a Steel Cage Match, no one can interfere, which is more important. He gets on a real roll about his match tonight when Nexus comes out, wearing… the most retarded shirts ever. I’m just sayin’.
Barrett says that they could go tot he ring and beat the living daylights out of him, but it’d be too easy. So, they’re going to wait until later on when everyone can watch them. They can do whatever they want with a clear conscience, because Cena brought it upon himself. Cena and Barrett are about to start arguing with the GM sends an email: Mr. Cena. Based upon your blatant disregard for my instructions, if any Superstar gets involved in the match tonight, they will be suspended for 90 days. Futhermore, the Nexus must tag in and out tonight. If they don’t abide by that rule, they will be suspended for 90 days as well. Barrett points out that Cena’s going to be in that ring all alone. Cena says that he may lose, but he’s going to take a few of them down with him tonight.
<COMMERCIAL>
@Niki_Sushi White flash, white lightning, the pale kid with the red hair… Why not Sheamus McDonald? #BWF #RAW
@TKeep123 Loved Cena calling them “NNNnnnnnnNNN” !! RT @Duce102694: Nexus is out w/ the ugly N Shirt #WWE #Raw
Eve is ringside and going on commentary for the Diva’s match.
Diva’s Champion Alicia Fox vs Gail Kim
Actually not a bad Diva’s match… Would have been better had Alicia actually hit her intended target with her finisher, but whatever. Eve on commentary was kind of… uninteresting, no matter how much I like Eve.
Diva’s Champion Alicia Fox wins by pinfall.
After the match, the RAW GM sends an email. He said that since Alicia faked an injury last week, Eve gets another chance at the Diva’s Championship this Sunday at Money in the Bank.
<COMMERCIAL>
@divadirt Alicia vs Eve announced for Money in the Bank… TWO Divas matches this Sunday! OMG!
The Hart Dynasty and Natalya vs The Usos and Tamina in a Six Person Tag Team Match
During this match, we’re finally told about the guest host, though no one really cares. Tyson’s getting some good momentum early in, but Tamina shoves his foot off the rope to give…. whichever one it is the advantage. Sorry, but I didn’t hear the na- Jimmy was the one who got the advantage. David Hart Smith gets in and snatches the momentum back for the Hart Dynasty. He went for a cover, but Tamina pulled him off. Then Natalya got her out of the ring. The Usos steal the momentum back and take the win.
The Usos and Tamina win by pinfall!
Barrett is talking to Chris, thanking him for teaching him. Chris congratulates him, and then is stopped by Josh, but he walks off. Nexus then gangs up on Yoshi Tatsu, who stares at David Otunga before Otunga beats him up a little. Tarver then hits him a few times and gets in his face for no apparent reason.
<COMMERCIAL>
@jcenadotcom Did anyone buy that beatdown by Nexus on Tatsu?
It’s a new day! It’s a new generation!!
Maryse and Ted DiBiase make their way out to the ring, and we’re reminded that Maryse helped to distract John Morrison last week so that DiBiase could steal the win. Ted introduces them as the Million Dollar Couple, then clarifying that he’s referring to himself and the Money in the Bank briefcase. He tells Maryse to imagine the possibilities after he wins the briefcase: he’ll shower her with gifts and will win the WWE Championship.
Now listen, this ain’t no make believe!
John Morrison says that he wouldn’t waste his time showering Maryse with gifts, because everyone knows the French don’t take showers. Maryse proceeds to say something in French, and Morrison just says OK and translates it as: everyone in the arena has hippo breath and smells like dueling rhinos in the Serengeti plains. And that Maryse herself resembles a dung chewing platypus. She goes to slap him, he blocks, and DiBiase attacks Morrison. DiBiase went for Dream Street, but Morrison countered. he beats on DiBiase for a minute and then goes for Starship Pain, only for Maryse to pull DiBiase out of the way.
<COMMERCIAL>
@TKeep123 OK, I have to admit that Dibiase DID trade UP with Virgil Version 2. #wwe #RAW #BWF
@kickoutblog New rule: you can’t hate John Cena for his silly promos and then cheer for John Morrison after that. http://bit.ly/RAW71210
Oh, God. We come back for some retarded Brady Bunch sort of segment with Santino and Regal both looking for tag team partners… Santino’s squares are Kozlov, Khali, and Goldust. Regal’s are Ryder, Primo, and a Doink wannabe. And there’s the mom from Brady Bunch. She gives Santino an apple pie (FLORENCE HENDERSON! That’s her name). Santino makes some dumb joke and canned laughter is given. She asks if Santino’s team is ready, and he says yes. More bad jokes and canned laughter, and Regal comes in with the most intelligent comment of the night: I just want to let you know how utterly ridiculous this is. Regal says that he’d go to her for advice on how to raise six annoying children, and he’d go to the Partridge family for other advice. She slaps Regal and shoves him out. Santino goes for a kiss and she stops him, heading out.
OH YEAH!!! Miz booted Truth out of the Money in the Bank PayPerView!!! Who’s going to take his place? We find out tonight!!! We get a flashback to Wrestlemania 21 in 2005 where Edge won the first ever Money in the Bank match. And then to ten months later, at Revolution 2006, where Edge cashed it in against John Cena to get the WWE Championship. Next up, Randy Orton faces Edge!
<COMMERCIAL>
@_UncleDave Whats the purpose of a raw guest host, seriously? Oh yea, to help save a career of a z-list star. #raw
@dasharpshooters Edge trying to make Lohan weight? That dude looks bony as hell. #wwe #raw
You think you know me…
Edge vs Randy Orton
I love both Edge and Randy… So I’m seriously hoping this is a great match. Because I need something to wipe out that damn Brady Bunch segment… At any rate, Edge gets early momentum, which immediately goes to Randy. Randy holds tight to that momentum, beating on Edge before going to the cover, only for Edge to kick out at two. Randy keeps it for a good while until he throws Edge back into the ring and Edge greets him with a boot to the face. Edge looked like he was setting up for a spear, then lookled like he was setting up a punt, then just kicked him in the head… went for another, but Randy countered with a scoop slam and started to get the momentum back, but Edge snatched it by throwing Randy between the top and middle ropes.
<COMMERCIAL>
(Just ’cause it made me laugh…) @ThingsColeSays BREAKING… WWE has signed Paul Heyman to be the 8th man in the Raw MITB match, just to keep him away from TNA.
@AustinH_24seven Randy Orton: 50% tattoos, 50% RAGE #WWE
We come back, and Randy seems to have gotten some momentum back anyway. Edge hits him with a drop toe hold though and beats on Randy for a minute before putting him in a head lock. Randy seemed to be about to go out there, but countered and dropped Edge to the mat. Randy grabs the momentum back and hits a scoop slam. The ref tells Randy to get Edge back in the ring, but Edge manages to counter and attacks Randy. He goes for a cover, but Randy kicks out a two. Edge sets up for a Spear, but Randy kicks him and goes down, prepping for the RKO. Edge counters, goes for Spear, Randy jumps over him, covers Edge, Edge kicks out, and Randy hits a back breaker. Randy drops and starts pounding on the mat only for Jericho to come out and distract Randy. Edge takes advantage and pins Randy for the win.
Edge wins va pinfall.
Jericho climbs into the ring after the match and hits Edge with a Code breaker, Randy hits Jericho with an RKO, and Evan comes out to beat on Randy. Evan goes for Airbourne, but Randy hits the RKO in mid air.
Skip Sheffield is walking, and Josh Matthews stops him to talk about Nexus showing up on NXT tomorrow night, asking if they’re going to focus on the pros, rookies, or both. Morrison gets shoved or something, I missed it, and then Nexus surrounds Morrison. Morrison attacks, but Nexus gets the upper hand and throws Morrison into some doors. All of Nexus gangs up on Morrison and throws him into one of those big boxes that the Spirit Squad got thrown into back in the day- Wait, what’s that? A Glee reference? Says who?! Dolph? Oh, fine. Anyway, they all stand over him as the camera fades.
<COMMERCIAL>
@TKeep123 Evan Bourn will think twice about another run-in on Randy Orton! Pretty amazing! #WWE #RAW
@Niki_Sushi When Randy Fucking Orton RKO’s Evan Bourne mid-Air Bourne, you KNOW you’re fucked. #WWE #BWF
@ChrisC06 I would get beaten up by the Nexus for laughing at David Otunga’s spray-on hairdo. #WWE #Raw
@shot_of_flair My entire first page on my twitter feed just proved to me that huge boners were had with the SSP-RKO reversal. #WWE
@TKeep123 Orton’s RKO on Evan ranks up there with Jericho’s Codebreaker as a counter to both CMPunk & Mysterio coming off the ropes. #wwe #RAW #bwf
AWESOME!!
The Miz makes his way to the ring with a mic. My favorite part of the night. He mentions how everyone is talking about how they’re going to win Money in the Bank. Well, talk is cheap. We get a flashback to last week when Miz brutally attacked Truth (Did I say brutally? I meant beautifully…). He says that he’s never been more serious in his life. And he took out Truth with his bare hands, not a ladder. He didn’t just take away his ability to compete, he took away his ability to play catch with his son, his ability to entertain. Let’s face it, wherever Truth is, he’s not dancing. This Sunday, when Miz has the ladder in his hands, what he did to Truth will pale in comparison to what he’s going to do to his other opponents. One down, six to go. Because he’s The Miz and he just got interrupted by the GM, that bastard!!! Cole asks if he can have everyone’s attention, and they all scream no. The GM Says: The Miz will now compete against R-Truth’s replacement. See, there’s an old saying: Just when you think you have all the answers, I change the questions.
Somebody’s gonna get their ass kicked… somebody’s gonna get their weave split.
The United States Champion The Miz vs Mark Henry
I have to admit, I’m disappointed. I wish Mark Henry would split Alicia’s weave… Anyway, Miz goes for Henry pretty enthusiastically, but Henry is having none of it. Henry goes for outside of the ring, but Miz moves last second only for Henry to run into the podium with the laptop to communicate with the GM of RAW. Miz throws a basket of some kind on him, then dumps trash all over Mark and throws the trash can at him.
<COMMERCIAL>
@dreamsinstatic R-Truth replaced by the Kool Aid man. Oh YEAH! #WWE
@Seanfranchise6 RAW MITB Match will be a FAIL cause MIZARK is in it.
@Niki_Sushi So…. in a round-about way… did Mark Henry just kill RAW’s GM? #RAW #BWF
@B_alpha_male The ‘Worlds strongest man’ just got taken out by rubber trash cans. #WWE #RAW
Dear God… Alright, now we’re going to see Florence Henderson out here as the Special Guest Ring Announcer. She says she’s feeling groovy, and NO I AM NOT FEELING GROOVY.
The Regal Bunch: William Regal, Zack Ryder, Primo, and Doink the Clown vs The Santino Bunch: Santino Marella, Vladimir Kozlov, Goldust, and the Great Khali in an 8-Man Tag Team Match
Okay, so… Flo stole Regal’s cloak, Santino finally hit the frigging Cobra, and Doink was tagged in. Doink uses a squirt gun to spray Khali, but Khali didn’t like it much, and pins Doink for the win after a smack to the head.
The Santino Bunch win via pinfall!
The music stops and Santino goes over to Flo again, but she ducks under him and goes to Khali. they kiss, and Santino is heartbroken… And I just threw up a little in my mouth… Khali picks her up and they kiss more, and I die a little inside….
@TKeep123 Ok, this Bradey Bunch tag match has potential to be a Royal mess…. Doink? Reminiscent of The Oddities. #wwe #raw #BWF
@aemckay Khali, you smoothie. Florence Henderson, you slut. #WWE #RAW
The Money in the Bank line up: Smackdown: Matt Hardy, Cody Rhodes, Dolph Ziggler, Drew McIntyre, The Big Show, Intercontinental Champion Kofi Kingston, Christian, and Kane. RAW: United States Champion The Miz, Mark Henry, Randy Orton, Edge, John Morrison, Ted DiBiase, Evan Bourne, and Chris Jericho.
Josh talks to Edge about how psycho Edge basically is. Edge says that he has a voice that talks to him and what not… I had this part typed out, but my computer decided to delete it. Evan’s with a trainer, and Sheamus shows up. He asks if the RKO messed Evan up, and then Nexus shows up. Sheamus looks nervous and says that Bourne was bragging about how he helped jump them last week. Insert Nexus beating up Bourne now. Sheamus kneels next to Bourne and says that that’ll teach him a lesson, won’t it, fella? Nexus comes back and looks at Sheamus. They start after Sheamus, but Sheamus runs, and asks where Cena’s locker room is before taking off again.
<COMMERCIAL>
@iwcmvp Josh Matthews is the leader of The Nexus #WWE
Nexus vs John Cena in a Six-on-One Handicapped Match
Reminder: If anyone helps Cena, they’re suspended for 90 days. If Nexus doesn’t tag in and out, then they’re suspended for 90 days. It starts with Cena tearing Tarver up. Tarver tags in Justin Gabriel. Gabriel rolls over to tag in Skip Sheffield after taking a slight beating from Cena. Cena and Sheffield are having a match of strength before Sheffield shoves Cena into the corner. Cena manages to wiggle out before Nexus all get out of the ring and huddle up for a minute to rethink their strategy. The ref is yelling at them to get back up on the apron. While the ref is distracted, Heath Slater attacks him from behind, and Sheffield beats on Cena., throwing Cena into his corner. Slater is tagged in, keeping Cena in the corner as Nexus beats up on Cena while Slater distracts the ref. Slater keeps hitting Cena pretty hard with some suplexes before tagging in David Otunga. Cena fights back and manages to get some hits in on other members of Nexus before Otunga gets him again, suplexing Cena. Cena manages to drop Otunga, and then Wade Barrett is tagged in. It looks like John was saving his energy for Barrett, but Barrett hits Cena with a boot to the face. He got Cena up in a Fireman’s Carry, but Cena got out, beating on Barrett with some shoulder take downs before hitting the Five Knuckle Shuffle on Barrett. Sheffiled tags himself in as Cena hits the Attitude Adjustment on Barrett. Sheffield hits that clothesline, then tags in Otunga. Otunga hits Cena, then tags in Gabriel, who pulls Cena closer to the corner and hits the 450 Splash, and goes for the cover for the win.
The Nexus wins via pinfall.
Nexus celebrates in the ring afterward, and Barrett makes them all back off. Cena uses Barrett to stand up before punching Barrett and running for a chair. He takes out Slater and runs into the ring. Nexus scatters outside of the ring and gets Slater. Barrett pulls them all back together to strategize, and they surround the ring again. Cena’s bleeding here, by the way. Nexus surrounds the ring, but Sheamus comes in with a chair too, losing it in his hurry to beat on Nexus. Cena and Sheamus clear the ring with their chairs, finally working in unison.
Not a bad show tonight, overall. Guys, next week, use the #BWF hashtag in your tweets so that I can put you in the RAW review, alright? Thanks!!
As we start, I’m having issues with my computer. Anyways, Freddie
Prinze, Jr. kicks the show off, as he’s tonight’s guest host. He’s a lifelong WWE fan, just like us. He’s got the closet full of action figures, he’s got the Colusseum Home Videos hosted by Mean Gene, and he even had the WWF Superstars of Ice Cream Bars that would make you vomit if you ate them, but tonight’s about the WWE Universe! He decides that we’re going to start SummerSlam right here tonight! The Divas and United States Championships are on the line tonight. Also tonight, the return of DX! But he’s not finished…
He’s interrupted by some ominous sounding music, and some guy in black leather and a hook in his hand, apparently from “I Know What You Did Last Summer” (which sucked, BTW), makes his way down to the ring. The guy takes the microphone and tells him he knows what he did last summer. And he knows what he’s going to do this Summer. You’re going “to put me in one of your mooooovieees!” It’s Santino! He says he would be a good fisherman, and he has written a screenplay called “I know what you did about 12 Summers Ago.” He says he could be in a romantic comedy. He puts on a wig and glasses as the melody from “Kiss Me” plays. He says he’s obviously a nerd, but then Freddy made a bet with the guy from The Fast and the Furiest, and then, Pow, Santino is like a sexy, hot guy. They could call it, “He’s All That.” Freddie thinks it’s good, but Santino needs a little help. Santino says he needs something more current. He points out that Prinze will be in “24,” and Santino thinks he needs a partner. Santino goes into FBI mode and interrogates Lillian Garcia. He tells Prinze to call Keifer Sutherland, and his wife the werewolf slayer, and tell them that Santino Marella is an actor. Prinze says that he’ll call everybody, but Santino has to spend the next two hours rehearsing. Prinze says at least there’s no Scooby Doo joke. Anyways, he’s got a match to make tonight. In the main event, it’s going to be so sick…
I hear voices in my head…
The WWE Champion interrupts. Tonight he’s teaming with John Cena, but screw that. He doesn’t have to team with Cena, so he won’t. Prinze reminds him that he’s in his hometown. Orton says he doesn’t care if the fans get to see him wrestle or not. It’s not about them. He’s the WWE Champion and it’s about him. He’s not going to ask again. Orton tells Prinze to take him out of this match. Prinze asks if he looks like Seth Green or Jeremy Piven. He tells Orton not to try and bully him. Sgt. Slaughter made the match, and he’s not going to change it. He will compete tonight, he will team with Cena, and he will face the Unified Tag Team Champions. Orton grabs Prinze and drops him with his neckbreaker/backbreaker combo. Referees and EMTs make their way out to check on Prinze as the WWE Champion slithers his way back up the ramp.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
Before the break, Orton hit Freddie Prinze Jr. with a neckbreaker. He’s been taken to a nearby medical facility, and we’ll get an update on his condition later on in the show, hopefully.
Meanwhile, this match is scheduled for one fall and it is for the United States Championship!
Tradition be damned, the United States Champion, Kofi Kingston is out first for this match. This past Thursday on WWE Superstars, Carlito pinned Kofi in a mixed tag match. Guess who Kofi’s opponent is? That’s right, it’s Carlito, who is accompanied by Rosa Mendez.
Kofi Kingston def. Carlito to retain the United States Championship
Kofi always gets the most random challengers for his title. There’s like no structure whatsoever to the United States title picture. Of course, that fact alone makes the United States Championship scene infinitely more interesting than the recurring Randy Orton/John Cena/Triple H theme of the World Championship scene. Anyways, Carlito takes the early offense, even tossing the Champion out of the ring as we head to a…
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
Carlito dominated during the break, and he continues that as we come back. Kofi finally starts to battle back, but catches a boot straight to the face, earning Carlito a two. It’s all Carlito for a few more minutes, but Kofi finally turns it around and quickens the pace of the match. He gets a two off of the Thunderclap Leg Drop, and another one off of a second rope cross-body. He scores another one on an uppercut that looked like it knocked out a tooth. He goes for a top rope corss body, but Carlito rolls through and scores a two count. Kofi misses a Trouble In Paradise, and Carlito hits a neckbreaker for two. Carlito goes for teh backstabber, but it’s reversed, and Kofi hits Trouble In Paradise and retains the US Championship!
We’re waiting for the arrival of DX. If that were anybody other than Triple H and Shawn Michaels showing up this late for work, they’d be fired.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
DX is reuniting tonight. Hey, let’s look at DX’s greatest hits!
The Miz is rocking some new tights. And a new contract – he won it last week by outsmarting Eugene. The Miz says that two weeks ago he was banned from RAW, so now he stands before us a new man. New attitude, new look, same mouth. In a few short moments, he’ll be embarking on the most remarkable turnaround in WWE history as he starts his quest to become the new United States Champion. Kofi should enjoy his belt while he can, because that title will be The Miz’s. Because he’s The Miz – and he’s – AWESOME!
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
Evan Bourne is the most over guy on the roster behind Jeff Hardy, and he’s on his way to the ring to face The Miz.
The Miz def. Evan Bourne
This match is all The Miz, who is stretching Bourne like a new student in the Hart Dungeon. Bourne finally mounts a comeback, scoring a two with a standing moonsault. He takes The Miz down and climbs the ropes, but The Miz knocks him down. Bourne jumps on The Miz’s shoulders, but The Miz puts him down and hits him with the Skull Crushing Finale for the victory.
RAW’s been on for 54 minutes, and we’re still waiting for DX – who are apparently supposed to be on NEXT!
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
Two weeks ago, Triple H lost to Legacy and then verbally buried them. Then last week, Hunter found Shawn working as a chef and invited him back to the WWE.
DX’s limo shows up, and HBK has second thoughts. Triple H talks him into coming to the ring. As their walking to the ring, Jillian starts singing their theme song, and Hunter puts a trash can over her. Santino does his CSI act, and HBK superkicks him. Triple H points out that Santino didn’t mean to harm them, and HBK says he knows.
Are you ready?
I’M READY!
Degeneration X make their way to the ring. It’s 10:05 and they finally showed up for work. The first hour of this show was pretty good. The rest of it will probably suck now. Shawn finally hands Triple H his microphone at 10:07. Yep. Two minutes of DX running around like idiots. Hunter finally asks the question on everybody’s mind at 10:09. Are you ready? No, Hunter. We’re not. Maybe if this were 1997 we would be, but I don’t think we’ll ever be ready for another reincarnation of DX until the WWE decides to cater to the fans instead of the boss. Thankfully, we’re saved from another terrible DX segment by Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase, who toss Triple H out of the ring and double team HBK for a moment before The Game tries – and fails – to make the save (World Wrestling Insanity reader vinrob says “I guess they weren’t ready”). Rhodes takes HBK’s boot off of his foot, and he hits Hunter with it. They leave DX lying, and DiBiase tells Triple H that, to answer his question, yes, they’re ready.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
WrestleMania 25 will be on NBC on August 29. Hopefully it’ll be as cool as last year’s NBC broadcast of WrestleMania 24.
Before the break, Legacy (thankfully) took out DX.
The following contest is scheduled for one fall and is for the WWE Divas Championship.
Mickie James makes her way out to the ring (again, tradition be damned.) Her opponent tonight is Gail Kim.
Mickie James def. Gail Kim to retain the WWE Divas Championship
Holy crap. This is two WWE Television shows in a row that have a one on one Divas match. Hell has officially frozen over. The difference between this one and the one on SmackDown, of course, is that these are two women who can actually wrestle. Gail Kim, of course, a former WWE Women’s Champion and the first ever TNA Knockouts Champion, and Mickie James a former multiple time WWE Women’s Champion prior to her current run as WWE Divas Champion. Mickie James knocked Gail Kim the hell out with a forearm to the face to pick up the win.
After the match, Mickie helps Gail up to her feet.
Earlier tonight, Randy Orton took out guest host Freddie Prinze, Jr.
Prinze is supposedly back in the building. Josh Matthews is standing by with John Cena. Cena does a lame promo, complete with a poop joke, making fun of Orton not wanting to wrestle in his match tonight. He finishes by saying that after SummerSlam, the champ will be here. Jericho interrupts and says that the champs are here. Big Show tells him he might not make it to SummerSlam.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
Last week, MVP beat Chris Masters and was then attacked by Jack Thwagger Swagger.
MVP def. Jack Swagger by disqualification
Neither guy gets an entrance. That’s how important this match is in the grand scheme of things. Swagger hauls off on MVP in the corner, earning the disqualification.
After the match, MVP attacks Swagger, who retreats. Seriously, DX’s entrance was longer than the entire segment for that match.
Freddie Prinze Jr. tells the trainer that he’s coming out to the ring. The trainer doesn’t think that’s a good idea, and neither does Jerry Lawler, but he’s coming to the ring anyway.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
Chavo Guerrero is here. He’s in a falls count anywhere match this week. Guess who his opponent is. Go on, guess. That’s right, kiddies, it’s Hornswoggle, again.
Hornswoggle vs. Chavo Guerrero
Hornswoggle escapes unter the ring, and Chavo goes after him. Then we get a shot of the empty ring for a minute before Chavo emerges with a toilet seat. Hornswoggle laughs at him from the other side of the ring and Chavo gives chase. Chavo asks Primo where Hornswoggle went. Primo points him in a direction down the hall. Chavo asks if Primo is lying. Primo says that Chavo’s gonna lose him. Chavo goes after him, and asks a couple other guys. They poit him in the same direction. Chavo walks down the hall, which is adorned with St. Louis Blues logos, prompting a “Let’s Go Blues” chant from the fans. Chavo opens a door and gets knocked out by a paint can, a la Home Alone, allowing Hornswoggle to cover him for yet another victory.
Chavo gets up and sees Mark Henry, accusing him of setting up the paint can, but Henry says it wasn’t me. Henry walks away, and Macaulay Culkin appears and tells him it’s not funny.
The King and Michael Cole run down the SummerSlam card.
The Unified WWE Tag Team Champions are walking backstage and are ready for their match tonight against John Cena and Randy Orton.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
This week’s guest host for the BWF RAW results is the Empress of Impact, Drowgoddess. Take it away, Drow!
We return from a commercial break.
A video package on boxer Floyd “Money” Mayweather, his high-rolling lifestyle, and his entertainment skills airs. Mayweather will host RAW next week.
A WWE.com poll. “Can Randy Orton and John Cena defeat the Unified Tag Team Champions of Chris Jericho and the Big Show?” 76% say “Yes,” 24% say “No.” Ouch! SO much for the tag team champs.
Big Show and Jericho enter first. The champions entering last seems to be a thing for the history books now. Orton is next, and Cena last. Different music plays, and Freddie Prinze, Junior comes out. He tells Orton that he’s stealing a page out of Orton’s own book. This match just became a lumberjack match! Prinze has hand-picked all the lumberjacks, and they don’t like Orton very much. Out come the lumberjacks. Primo, Mark Henry, Evan Bourne, Kofi Kingston, MVP, and Jamie Noble. They surround the ring. We go to commercial break.
When we return from commercial break, the match has already begun. Big Show has Cena in a rear bear hug around the waist. Cena tries to elbow his way out, but Big Show knocks Cena down. Cena crawls to his corner and attempts to tag in Orton. Orton turns his back and steps away. Big Show gets Cena in the corner, but Cena dropkicks Big Show’s knees. Cena rushes to his side of the ring and flips Orton into the ring over the top rope. Big Show spears Orton, who rolls out to the floor. The lumberjacks start to beat down Orton, and Mark Henry picks him up in a gorilla press and throws him back into the ring.
Big Show drops a leg across Orton’s chest, but Orton kicks out at two. Jericho tags in and attacks Orton with a barrage of punches from a mounted position. Jericho catches Orton in a sleeper hold, driving him down to one knee. Orton counters and crawls toward his corner, but Jericho pulls Orton back and tags in Big Show. Big Show hits another leg drop on Orton, but Orton again kicks out at two. Big Show clamps down on Orton’s shoulders and head before hurling him over in a suplex. Jericho tags in. Orton hits a surprise scoop slam on Jericho. Jericho locks in another sleeper hold on Orton, but Orton fights out with elbows. Jericho misses a Lionsault, and Orton crawls again toward his corner. Cena tags in. Cena dominates Jericho. Big Show grabs Cena by the throat from the apron, but Cena knocks Big Show to the floor. Cena hits the Attitude Adjuster on Jericho and gets the pin and three-count.
Post-match, Orton hits the RKO on Cena from behind. Jericho and Big Show jump Cena and beat him down. The lumberjacks run in to help, but all get thrown out of the ring. Cena hits a weak and mis-timed running shoulder block to Big Show’s midsection and knocks him through the ropes to the floor. Cena stands tall in the ring as Orton stands on the ramp with the title belt.
The End.
TSJ Thoughts: You know, as bad as RAW’s been lately, the first half of this show was pretty enjoyable. Then DX came out. It all went downhill from there – save for DX getting beaten down by Legacy and the random appearance of Macaulay Culkin moments after I typed “a la Home Alone” in this review. I haven’t seen the main event, but Cena won, so it couldn’t have been that entertaining. Definitely an improvement over the last few weeks, but RAW’s got a lot of work to do to get back to it’s former status of “can’t miss wrestling show.”
As we start, I’m having issues with my computer. Anyways, Freddie
Prinze, Jr. kicks the show off, as he’s tonight’s guest host. He’s a lifelong WWE fan, just like us. He’s got the closet full of action figures, he’s got the Colusseum Home Videos hosted by Mean Gene, and he even had the WWF Superstars of Ice Cream Bars that would make you vomit if you ate them, but tonight’s about the WWE Universe! He decides that we’re going to start SummerSlam right here tonight! The Divas and United States Championships are on the line tonight. Also tonight, the return of DX! But he’s not finished…
He’s interrupted by some ominous sounding music, and some guy in black leather and a hook in his hand, apparently from “I Know What You Did Last Summer” (which sucked, BTW), makes his way down to the ring. The guy takes the microphone and tells him he knows what he did last summer. And he knows what he’s going to do this Summer. You’re going “to put me in one of your mooooovieees!” It’s Santino! He says he would be a good fisherman, and he has written a screenplay called “I know what you did about 12 Summers Ago.” He says he could be in a romantic comedy. He puts on a wig and glasses as the melody from “Kiss Me” plays. He says he’s obviously a nerd, but then Freddy made a bet with the guy from The Fast and the Furiest, and then, Pow, Santino is like a sexy, hot guy. They could call it, “He’s All That.” Freddie thinks it’s good, but Santino needs a little help. Santino says he needs something more current. He points out that Prinze will be in “24,” and Santino thinks he needs a partner. Santino goes into FBI mode and interrogates Lillian Garcia. He tells Prinze to call Keifer Sutherland, and his wife the werewolf slayer, and tell them that Santino Marella is an actor. Prinze says that he’ll call everybody, but Santino has to spend the next two hours rehearsing. Prinze says at least there’s no Scooby Doo joke. Anyways, he’s got a match to make tonight. In the main event, it’s going to be so sick…
I hear voices in my head…
The WWE Champion interrupts. Tonight he’s teaming with John Cena, but screw that. He doesn’t have to team with Cena, so he won’t. Prinze reminds him that he’s in his hometown. Orton says he doesn’t care if the fans get to see him wrestle or not. It’s not about them. He’s the WWE Champion and it’s about him. He’s not going to ask again. Orton tells Prinze to take him out of this match. Prinze asks if he looks like Seth Green or Jeremy Piven. He tells Orton not to try and bully him. Sgt. Slaughter made the match, and he’s not going to change it. He will compete tonight, he will team with Cena, and he will face the Unified Tag Team Champions. Orton grabs Prinze and drops him with his neckbreaker/backbreaker combo. Referees and EMTs make their way out to check on Prinze as the WWE Champion slithers his way back up the ramp.
