Impact Wrestling 22/08/2013: British Master Race Dating System
Leave a CommentHere’s how this is going to work; I’m a professional writer, sure, and you can buy my book on Amazon. No, seriously, you can, it’s called Tulips and Other Stories and it costs less than the coffee you’ll drink while reading it. However it’s been a while since I reviewed wrasslin. I’m also going to take some creative liberty, though not too much this time as there wasn’t much of a chance to. I’ll give you the correct results, but I’ll more than likely throw in some jokes and shenanigans. If you want play by play, call a professional.
I was going to insert a link to my book here but felt that would be too cheap. Enjoy a random picture of a tulip instead.
We start off the show as Impact usually does now with a “previously on Impact” segment. They actually made the appletini shots look good but no amount of editing can make that hammer shot look good.
We get Bully on the phone to a mysterious stranger called Brook and he’s with Tito Ortiz. Seeing how Brook Hogan has been released from Hogan’s family dungeon and Brook Orndorf is in legal trouble, it’s not hard to guess which brook it is. Bully and Tito meet up with Mr Anderson and they tease some dissension between Bully and Anderson. Apparently Bully hasn’t been returning Anderson’s calls and texts. To be fair though he has been calling his woman. I hate Anderson but I have to admit I’ve liked him in his role as the VP of Aces and Eights so I think I’ll actually be a little sad to see that relationship end.
Bully’s probably still a bit annoyed from when this happened.
The Bad Influence, plus Bobby Rooooooooooooooooooo(de) come out to start the show properly. Roode begins by congratulating Bully Ray on becoming a two time champion. Does it really count as a second run when he lost the title for such a short amount of time? Roode says that Bully has found a way to screw the system again, and found a new friend. I thought he would say he’s found a new Brook to screw too. Roode says that Bully is the man with a target on his back and he’s looking at the three men who’ll do anything to get the title. One of their trio is going to be the new world heavyweight champion whether we, or maybe Bully Ray, like it or not. He says that he literally set the table and leap frogged his way into second place and hands the mic to Kazarian.
Kaz reminds us of the match he won and refers to himself as a handsome devil. Dude has a point. He looked better with long hair though. Daniels says the Extraordinary Gentlemen’s Organisation is two for two and tonight he’s going to make it three. I guess this team has a name and Daniels has a rear that makes the girls cheer and is the best street fighter in TNA. Ken and Ryu would argue but they’re too busy touring Japan after being released to pay for Hogan’s contract.
If these two hadn’t been released to pay Hogan’s contract we would have had a run in.
Roode says that the Extraordinary Gentleman’s Organisation is 25% of the BFG series and asks why be 25% when you can be a third. I’ll tell you why. It’s because 25% is a quarter. Roode does know this though and says that they need to add one more member to the group. Roode says that one man is none other than you. I got scared because he was looking directly at the camera and I have no in ring experience but he meant Austin Aries. As Roode is trying to recruit Aries he’s interrupted by Gunner and James Storm. Wait, these guys are the tag team champions? I legitimately forgot that. Storm says that that Bad Influence can’t trust Roode and neither can Aries. He says “Sorry…” and the crowd finish off his little catchphrase for him. Can he be any lazier? Roode calls him jealous and Storm counters by saying he’s only jealous of a guy who has a six pack and only has two beers left. I’m jealous of people who don’t have to pause this show every five seconds to keep up with what the crazy drunken redneck is saying.
Storm says he always tells people what he’s going to do and threatens to strip and drink his beer. Then he’s going to punch Roode in the mouth. He goes in the corner and starts stripping as he threatened and Roode tells him he doesn’t want to do it and doesn’t have the guts. Thankfully Storm stops at taking his shirt off and punches Roode in the mouth and finally the talking ends.
Impromptu match up between Who Knows and Those Other Guys.
We’ve got Roode and Kaz against Storm and Gunner. Why would we get that pairing when Kaz’s partner is Daniels? This question was answered later in the show as Daniels was part f the table match. If I’d been paying more attention I’d have realised he also said this in his promo before the match.
There’s a nice double team move by the redneck and his bearded friend before the ad break. When we come back Bobby Roode is beating the tar out of Gunner in the corner. Gunner mounts some offence but it’s quickly stopped. What’s not stopped is the shilling of Jeff Hardy’s app. Kaz gets in the ring when I’m not paying attention and wastes Gunner with a spinning heel kick. I always enjoy seeing that move done by a heel. Roode tags in and starts beating down Gunner himself. Kaz tags in and gets a two count and insults Gunner and slaps him around but Gunner gets in a sick looking back breaker before getting the hot tag. Roode and Storm are in the ring and I’m reminded of when this was a good feud we wanted to see. Storm takes out Roode and drops the elbow from the top rope but Kaz breaks up the count. Gunner breaks Kaz’s back on the outside so the two men in jeans can get back to it. Storm went for the Last Call and almost hits the ref. He turns around and nails Kaz with it instead before Roode goes for the Orton Special. That’s a low blow. Roode wins! The highlight of this match? Storm actually managing to get his leg up for the Last Call when wearing jeans.
Aries is backstage and says that The Extraordinary Gentlemen (damn I love saying that) are giving him mixed messages. This week they asked him to join their little club but last week they cost him 20 points in his match. There’s strength in numbers but there’s also something to be said for trusting the people you’re with. He says he has a lot to think about but he should have his answer by the end of the night.
We’re taken back to last Thursday and I would have fast forwarded but the replay was done by the time I finished writing this. We’re getting a Chris Sabin update though tonight at Hardcore Justice. Wait, Hardcore Justice? Wasn’t that last week? Is this Hardcore Justice 1.50?
Sonjay Dutt vs Manik
Sonjay Dutt comes out for a match in a non-title match with Manik. It’s Kinam backwards! I’m not sure what that has to do with anything though. Sonjay tries to attack him before the match starts but gets tossed back into the ring. Manik does a nice little submission move and Dutt turns it into a pin and delivers a hurricanrana. See, I know how to spell it! Speaking of turning, I’m so glad TNA turned back the triple threat rule and we’re getting one on one x-division matches. Dutt locks in his own submission move after a nice standing moonsault and Kinam reverses it into a pin which Dutt kicks out of. Dutt locks in ANOTHER submission move and I find myself thinking that rest holds are an integral part of the X-Division.
It does allow for a bit of chain wrestling though which ends with Dutt on the floor and Kinam does a very nice looking springboard dropkick and gets a two count. TJ Perkins gets a sit out Powerbomb in for a two count and Sonjay puts #Boots2Faces and gets another two count. Sonjay misses a moonsault and goes for a head scissors but Perkins counters it with his unnamed finisher for the win. I think it’s still unnamed. Taz correctly calls a move too. I’d say more about this match but it’s hard enough to take notes on a regular match when I can’t immediately press pause. Try doing it with a fast paced match and it’s not fun.
This cat probably couldn’t make it in the X-Division. I couldn’t find any Manik gifs, and cats are always related.
Backstage Aces and Eights are in a meeting without their leader Bully Ray. Devon asks Anderson if he’s talked to Bully and Anderson says Bully said they need to focus on business. Devon says that they’re focused and Anderson says after tonight it’s going to go from five on four to five on three. They all testify to that. Testifying is now drinking. If that’s testifying maybe I should start going back to church.
Hernandez vs Joseph Park vs Jay Bradley vs Christopher Daniels in a Street Fight
Hernandez comes out before the break for a street fight and after the break we’re backstage with the main event mafia. Screw that, there’s a match on! Getting back to that match, Daniels comes out after Jay Bradley doesn’t get an entrance. Joseph Park comes out next. Joseph Park, Jay Bradley, Hernandez and Christopher Daniels…guess who’s winning this! Things start out as four ways usually do with the four guys turning it into two separate one on one matches with Bradley going after Park and Hernandez keeping Daniels trapped in the corner. Bradley goes after Hernandez and gets sent outside and Daniels went for the rollup on Hernandez. He gets a one count followed by a two count and eats a backbreaker for his troubles. Speaking of broken backs, it’s a chair shot by Bradley!
Taz struggles to say “weaponry” as Hernandez gets his neck broken by Bradley. Kurt Angle would cut a promo about wrestling with a broken freakin neck but he’s too busy taking care of his broken freakin liver which, unlike a broken neck, prevents him from wrestling. Park inadvertently hits an elbow on Bradley, who is sent out of the ring by Hernandez. Hernandez and Park scuffle before double teaming Daniels and sending him into Hernandez. We go to break with Hernandez and Park standing strong and come back to see Daniels about to unleash a kendo stick (it’s a Singapore cane dammit!) on Hernandez. Hernandez counters, hits Daniels with the stickcane and drops him on the ramp. Inside the ring Bradley and Park fight and I notice Kaz standing outside the ring. Wait what? When did that happen?
Bradley goes for the chair shot to the head which meant that Park was obviously going to counter. He does counter and goes for the Boston Crab but releases it when Kaz distracts him. Park goes out the ring and gets his ass handed to him by Kaz and a suddenly appearing Roode who also take out EY. Bradley and Daniels exchange moves and it ends with Daniels taking a low blow and a chair shot to the back. Two chair shots technically as he’s dropped on the chair. Bradley goes for the Boomstick elbow but Roode and Kaz pull him outside and beat him down and Hernandez jumps over the ring ropes just like he jumped over the border. Hernandez goes for his finisher, affectionately called The Border Toss but Aries interferes. He acts like he’s joining the Extraordinary Gentleman and gives Daniels a Brainbuster to huge “yes!” chants.
Back inside the ring Bradley pulls out the brass knuckles and makes Park bleed. Park takes out Hernandez and picks up the win on Bradley with the Black Hole Slam. I’m reminded how much I now look like Joseph Park thanks to my short hair. Damn. I’m also reminded of my terrible prediction that Daniels would win this match. Post match EY makes his way into the ring slowly and celebrates with Park as Park snaps back to reality. Joseph Park picks up 20 points but I still don’t think he has any chance of winning anything.
If this guy wasn’t too busy casting the TV Title back in the fires of Mount Doom from whence it came, he could probably win something.
Another backstage segment with the Main Event Mafia. We have sound this time though. Sting runs down how badly they were beaten last week and Rampage says when he sees Tito he’s going to break his face. Sting says no one is going to step up and Magnus says it doesn’t matter. They are the elite and they’ll step up and Joe says that he’s right and that they have everything they need to win right here. He’s referring to his fists. Ooooh, scary.
Video package time! It’s covering the relationship of Brook (Hogan) and Bully Ray. I don’t really need to be reminded of this, but it does set up the next segment pretty nicely.
Bully Ray comes out and talks to Taz a little and Tito is now his Toto. I sure hope Toto was a girl or that won’t work. That’s the dog Toto, not the guys who sang Africa. Bully asks the audience how it feels to have the wool pulled over their eyes again, and how it feels to be suckered by him, again. Then he says he has one question for everyone. This after he’s already asked two. He asks us if we know who he is and given the record TNA have for promoting themselves and their talent, my guess is a large majority if this audience doesn’t actually know who he is. Bully agrees with me and says he doesn’t accept Sabin’s championship run. Everything is right in TNA and Bully Ray has a new best friend. He asks if we know who Tito is and actually, I didn’t. I had absolutely no idea who Tito Ortiz was when he came out the first time. Tito cuts a promo and says that he’ll beat Rampage again on November 2nd. They’re fighting on November 2nd? I thought it was in September. That’s just how good a job they’re doing hyping this fight. I actually forgot when it was.
Bully says he’s going to expose the secret him and his woman have been hiding. He calls for Brook and Brook Hogan’s music hits. I get scared but she doesn’t come out. Instead it’s the other Brook. It’s Brook Tessmacher! Speaking of exposing Brook Tessmacher, I feel the need to contribute to the Nipples For Jorge campaign. Last week Jorge put out a call for any of the Bored Wrestling Fan listeners to send him pictures of their nipples. All Jorge has to do is go to Dailymotion, turn off the adult filter, and search for Brook Adams. That’s Brook Tessmachers real name and before she got into wrestling she was a topless model. Thank me later Jorge. Just wash your hand before you shake mine.
Brook and Bully make out and the crowd boos. My guess is because they weren’t making out with Brook. Bully says now he has “the hot” Brook, Tito, and Taz for some reason, he can’t be stopped. There’s only one thing left to do and that’s for Brook to bite his wedding ring off and spit it on the floor. Bully Ray is done and now it’s time for the other knockouts.
I can’t remember how the fans reacted when this happened but it does feature other knockouts.
Gail Kim vs ODB
It’s Gail Kim and ODB, complete with a new brassiere. They tie up a few times and ODB overpowers Gail and knocks her on her ass thanks to the power of…well, her ass. ODB hits a Bronco Buster, a shoulder charge and a fallaway slam. Gail runs off and gets in a flying arm bar and works on the injured arm. Her arm got injured that quickly? Is ODB Sin Cara? Wait, wrong promotion. Tenay manages to say Fightmaster about ten times in five seconds while Gail goes back to beating ODB down. Gail gets hit by a low blow and Taz, even though he was cut off by Tenay, raises a good point. That hurt Gail? I get that would still hurt but it’s not really something you see much in wrasslin. ODB smashes Gail’s face into the turnbuckle and simulates how Jorge got herpes. Gail climbs to the top rope but ODB stops her and hits the Superplex for a two count. Gail gets the three count with a Crucifix pin.
Turns out this wasn’t the first time Gail Kim got a taste of ODB.
Up next, Main Event Mafia against Aces and Eights!
…Right after this Bound For Glory video package.
…and this backstage segment involving Austin Aries. He said everything is cool and that the Extraordinary Gentleman asked him a question and he gave them an answer. Aries says he doesn’t need any help to win except for his God given ability.
…and now Tenay is promoting the triumphant return of Hulk Hogan, next week. Last week he was meeting with Spike officials and this week he’s meeting with lawyers. He sure got to that other meeting fast. Taz says something isn’t right and he’s right. If some other schmuck booked a meeting during a taping they’d probably get chewed out by Hogan.
Still no main event! Instead it’s post match comments by Chris Sabin. I tried to make a note of what he said but I was just way too tired. I did catch him saying that Aces and Eights are a cancer and he’ll be back.
Before we finally get our main event there’s a quick shilling of Five Hour Energy. I’m learning why they’re sponsored by Five Hour Energy now. If you watch TNA as closely as I have, you need some of that. I don’t care if it gives me a heart attack, one way or another I’d make it through the show.
Thankfully there was no fine for screaming
Aces And Eights vs Main Event Mafia in a Loser Leaves TNA match
Aces and Eights come out and they’re followed by the Main Event Mafia. Guess we’re finally starting this match. Right after the commercial break! Being tired doesn’t have much to do with TNA being a bad show, as it’s actually been pretty good, but damn they really insist on dragging this out.
Mr Anderson has a microphone and calls out Bully Ray and I pretty much shout obscenities at my computer until someone finally starts fighting. Bully does come out and sits on the ramp and Brook sits on his knee. Anderson says because there’s only four Mafia guys and five Aces and Eights that one of the Mafia should just lay down and allow themselves to be pinned. Stings says that no member of the family is going to lay down and they’re going to go out fighting. “Well then start bloody fighting!” I shout at my screen as more music hits. It’s AJ styles. He’s going to be the fifth guy for Main Event Mafia? He took his shirt off and his face music hit, so I guess he’s a face again too.
The match FINALLY STARTS! There’s an all out brawl to start including AJ taking it to Anderson outside the ring. AJ and Anderson take their match into the ring and AJ lays out Anderson with a dropkick before Magnus lays out Faceless Lackey Number One. Taz informs me it’s Wes Brisco and I genuinely forgot his name. Joe is tagged in and punches Brisco’s face off. He then kicks off any of Brisco’s remaining face with a pele kick. Brisco finally tags out and brings in Faceless Lackey Number Two. They say it’s Garret Bischoff but it isn’t. If you look closely it’s very obvious that it’s Brodus Clay. He just wears a fat suit when he wrestles for WWE. Break time! We come back to Aces and Eights controlling the match and Magnus in the process. Faceless Lackey Number Three, also known as Knux, is the legal man. Magnus knocks some of the Aces and Eights off the apron but they just hop back up and his beatdown continues thanks to Devon. Brodus Clay is tagged in and Magnus starts his comeback but is dropped by the “triple tough” Funkasaurus. Brisco comes in but doesn’t stay in long as Anderson comes in instead. Magnus catches Anderson but he rakes the eyes to get out and tags Devon in. Devon hits a leg drop and mocks JT Hogan. JT Hogan would interfere but he was too busy meeting Hulk Hogan’s lawyers in a gimmick infringement case.
Knux is back in the ring and the plucky Brit gets a nice reminder of why you have to be American to make it in the North American wrestling business. Magnus hits a DDT and manages to tag in Sting. He hits two Stinger Splashes and then everyone runs into the ring and we have ourselves a brawl. Rampage is left in the ring and he lays out all of Aces and Eights with clotheslines except for Brisco who gets planted. Knux knocks Rampage out the ring and gets dropped by Sting but Devon breaks up the Scorpion Death Lock and lays Knux on top of the prone Sting for a two count. Devon comes in and beats down Sting in the corner and misses wildly with a diving headbutt. Tenay says Sting moved just out the way but I think he could have stayed where he was and still dodged it.
AJ is tagged in and he knocks Aces and Eights off the apron and gets a two count on Devon. Anderson gets in some cheap shots and we have ANOTHER brawl. AJ hits a pele kick and eats a spear and then hits a Styles Clash on Devon for the win. Aces and Eights lose and it seems Devon is out of a job. I don’t think he really is though. Didn’t he recently sign a new contract? Well he signed one just before he joined Aces and Eights anyway. This stuff has lasted so long I have no clue when that was.
Post match Bully comes down to the ring with a hammer but doesn’t actually enter the ring as the Main Event Mafia mock Devon and the rest of the Aces and Eights. Tenay gets in one last Fightmaster plug and the show goes off the air.
Christopher Daniels with a dramatic recreation of the end of the main event.
My thoughts? Despite some mild complaints this was a pretty good show. I was tired from a lack of sleeping and walking two miles home from a job interview and the show didn’t actually feel like it dragged much except for the end when there were about four or five segments between the announcement the main event was up next, and when it actually happened. Overall it was a pretty good show I have to say. I also took way too many notes as this was about three and a half thousand words. I thought this was too much and then I put the last RAW review through a word counter and it came out at about the same actually. Guess I didn’t take too many notes after all.