Your Empress of “Impact” is back for another week’s thoughts on TNA. And there was much rejoicing!

We open with the Main Event Mafia and the casket representing Christian Cage and his career. Kurt HHHAngle spews on about how Christian wouldn’t commit to the TNA family, and had been in negotiations with WWE, so he had to be taken out. And Kurt Angle, as well as the rest of the Main Event Mafia, cares so much about TNA as a company since when, precisely? The MEM could actually get over as heels if the faces would seriously call them out on their bovine fertilizer promos, and do so in a way that made sense. Aside from losing matches and constantly being beaten down, the TNA Originals are almost completely muzzled on the mic. At the very least, the one battle the young guys should always win is the battle of words.

Rhino comes out and yells about how he won’t put up with beating up his friend Christian and leaving him for dead. That’s good, I guess. Not letting your friends be left for dead. That’s what makes a true friend, there. Where was Rhino when Christian was getting beaten down? That he didn’t even try to come out and help made this promo less believable and effective. Oh, I didn’t try to stop the assault on my friend at all, but I shall not tolerate the fact that you did it! Um, yeah…. Was anyone else put out that Rhino took the bait and ran in on the MEM alone? Hello???? Yes, Rhino is supposed to be the War Machine, and not the sort of guy who stops and thinks, but this was ridiculous. It doesn’t show that he’s fearless and has heart and passion, it shows that he’s an idiot. Fans will not get behind this. I had really hoped that he would either refuse and point out that the MEM has an easy time calling other guys cowards when they have a 5-on-1 advantage, or gesture up the ramp and have several other guys rush the ring with him. Neither happened.

To the back! This was a fun backstage bit. The Motor City Machine Guns coming in late and blowing off the war in favor of season 2 of “Dexter” (as if I needed another reason to love those guys, and they make a “Dexter” reference!) and playing Grand Theft Auto did not sit well with Joe and AJ, but the good part was actually Mick Foley. I’m really feeling the Mick/Edge and Christian vibe on this one. The MCMG have so many of the same elements of Team EC that it could actually work. The way Foley said, “My favorite tag team, the Motor City Machine Guns” sounded so much like the way he used to address his favorite tag team, Edge and Christian. A fan can hope! Shut up! The way Chris Sabin said, “He said we were his favorite tag team,” while his bottom lip trembled was priceless! There needs to be more promo time allowed for the TNA Originals (I so hate that name!). Otherwise, it really seems like Alex Shelley hasn’t done enough to warrant the level of wrath that Mick directs at him. Sure, he’s been a complete prick, but his actions and Foley’s reactions to them just don’t match.

Oh, wow! An actual wrestling match on a show that used to bill itself as “We Are Wrestling!” Consequences Creed and Jay Lethal take on Tanahashi and Sonjay Dutt. What happened to Volador? Creed gets the win. This match was entirely too short. Considering that the show has been all talking so far, this match could have easily gone twice as long as it did.

To the back! The Beautiful People are the epitome of all that rules. They should be the ones with a talk show, but we need Angelina in the ring. Velvet really needs to step up her game. Clearly, Angelina has been the stronger wrestler, and they don’t need to be equal in every ability, but Velvet is in danger of really being made to look bad (no pun intended) by her own tag team partner. Get rid of Kip. Now. Yesterday. He is ruining the Beautiful People. They don’t really need a man-let, but if they did, it should be someone else. If not for the fact that he’s got other irons in the fire right now, Petey Williams with his pre-Steiner “Maple Leaf Muscle” gimmick would have been grand! Remember him in Jim Cornette’s office, flexing and posing and telling Cornette to check out his lats? No? Well, it was hysterical. Kip James brings nothing whatsoever to the proverbial table. He is a pathetic joke whose punchline ceased to be funny about ten years back. He simply looks sad.      

No more of the Suicide character. The video game was not the top seller that TNA had hoped. The character will not work. Whether it’s still Kaz or someone totally different makes no difference. Don’t do it, TNA. Just don’t.

To the back! Hey, look, Jim Cornette still works here. Since Jarrett and Foley turned up, Cornette has been absent without explanation. Some clarification has to be made in regard to the power structure of TNA. If Cornette is no longer the man in charge, what are his responsibilities? Will we ever see him, and if so, why? Good move on addressing Shane Sewell, and the way Cornette put it was solid. Giving Eric Young a shot at Booker T and the Legends title may have made sense in terms of the “keep the MEM/Originals bit going,” but a rematch with another referee for the X-Division title would have made more sense.

“Rough Cuts” segment. This one features Homicide. Good stuff, and the story about wrestling a match with a tampon (that was stolen for him by friends) stuffed into a bullet wound in his leg was gold! I can only begin to imagine the questions from the children watching.

To the back! The debut of ODB’s new talk show was not as horrific as I had thought it would be. The name should have been changed completely, as opposed to “ODB’s Angle.” All the same, ODB was not so bad in that role. The interview with Sharmell was fun, and while the Queen of the MEM should not be having a match with the likes of ODB at any ppv, both women came off well. ODB’s parting shot about Booker T having left his shoes under her bed was great!

To the back! JB talks with the Main Event Mafia. Again. Jeebus, no wonder the audience thinks so highly of the MEM, the Originals get such an absurdly small amount of promo time! This time Kurt HHHAngle, who is the self-proclaimed creator and leader of the MEM, despite not being the World Heavyweight champion, decides to create his own pay-per-view matches. Angle wants Jarrett, and he suggests that the winners of the Joe and AJ/MCMG tag match choose two partners and meet the rest of the MEM in an 8-man tag team main event. No. No, Kurt. Too complicated, too many people, bad idea. When you could get the bulk of a decent pay-per-view card out of the people involved here, there is no valid reason to throw them all into one giant clustermess of a match.

A video package! We get a recap of the Petey Williams beatdown and his history with Scott Steiner. “Sidelined indefinitely” sounds remarkably like gimmick overhaul time. If there is a non-JBL wrestling god, he’ll be out just long enough to grow out the blonde dye, and return unannounced to cost Steiner a major match.

Holy smokes! A second wrestling match! We’re an hour into a two-hour show, and there’s been maybe five or six minutes of in-ring action. This could and should have been the in-ring high point of the night. Samoa Joe and AJ Styles take on Chris Sabin and Alex Shelley due to the botched interference of the Guns in Jay Lethal’s title match last week against Sting. Seriously, why does Joe have a problem with that? Joe used to be Mr. “By-Any-Means-Necessary,” and if anything, should have been mad at Lethal for not accepting the help. Why not use the MEM’s own tactics against them? But I digress. AJ hit the Styles Clash on Alex Shelley to score the win. This match could have been the saving grace of a show that badly needed saving, and probably would have been, had we been allowed to see all of it. Going to a commercial break about a minute in? Come on! Another MEM beatdown of everyone in the ring and the guys who came out from the back? *channeling the voice of Will Arnett* COME ON!!!

To the back! Raisha Saeed yells at Traci Brooks a lot. “Silence!” I keep hoping she’ll slip up and follow that line with “I kill you!” If you aren’t a Jeff Dunham fan, you won’t get that one. The Knockouts title has fallen so far. Traci basically admits that there is no one for Kong to fight. Saeed declares that civilians will be targeted. Why does everyone throw a fit over Shiek Abdul Bashir’s words, but completely ignores what Raisha Saeed says? Is it less offensive because she’s female, so she can’t really mean it? Is it because we know who is under there? I’m just sayin’.

Rhino promo! If you have to talk about another company, this was the way to do it. Rhino may not have been one of the guys who put the original ECW on the map, but the idea works.

GASP! A third wrestling match! Booker T defeats Eric Young to retain his Legends title. As if anyone would have believed otherwise. More ODB/Sharmell when the new talk show host comes out to check on Eric Young.

Backstage. Again. Foley and Jarrett talking. So Jarrett has Foley’s back if Angle lays a hand on him, but the guys who get laid out week after week by the MEM are on their own? Thanks, boss.

Another interview. Team 3D (mostly Brother D-Von) talks about Beer Money, Inc. A little Obama humor, because hey, every black person in America must have voted for him, right? Sheesh. Team 3D does not need another title run. They should not be faces against Beer Money. They really shouldn’t be faces at all, not now. Cross the line!

Jeebus, still another interview? Why can’t this stuff be on TNA Today, or posted on the website? There is no need to take up this much tv time with pointless interview garbage. On the plus side, Awesome Kong beat up Hermie Sadler, who was shilling his new interview show on the TNA website (isn’t that what “Spin Cycle” and “TNA Today” were for?) and Baby Jesus smiled.

A match! Kevin Nash and Kurt Angle defeat Matt Morgan and Abyss after Beer Money interferes. Of course.

Mick Foley is then forced to deliver one of the most asinine promos ever. What is wrong with the people in charge of this product? Announcing Rhino as Angle’s opponent was so anticlimactic that it sucked the remaining air out of the building. It’s not so much Rhino’s fault as he was out of the picture for so long, and comes back to a completely random and pointless two-or-three-show feud with Sheik Abdul Bashir, and that’s it. He has zero credibility as a challenger to anyone in the MEM. The 8-man tag match is an abomination. Why would anyone do that when you could get at least half of your pay-per-view card out of the wrestlers involved? AJ Styles becomes World Heavyweight champion if his team wins, regardless of which of the four guys actually gets the winning pin? And Sting doesn’t have to be the one pined or made to submit in order for him to lose the title? This idea is terrible. I mean Maginot Line terrible. Romans allowing Goths into their territory as refugees and then starving them, yet wondering where this rebellion came from terrible. Not thinking to put multiple messages about icebergs in nearby locations together terrible. The difference is that the only things that die here are the souls of wrestling fans.

Any positive momentum gained from the start of the Main Event Mafia and the TNA Originals has been lost. I sincerely hope TNA can get it back. I just don’t know if they’re willing to try.

Peace out!


Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

RSS Feeds

Posts by Category