It’s more of a list, really.

Robbie E. (w/ Cookie) defeated Jay Lethal to become the new X-Division champion.

Cookie’s repeated distractions really got in the way of the match itself, which wasn’t as bad as most people had expected it to be. Excessive interference on the part of a valet drives home the point that the wrestler can’t win a match on his own. This works when the wrestler is actually hated, not when the audience (at home as well as those in attendance) seem to want the wrestler to go away. The whole point seems to be building to having that trashy and utterly useless creature J-Woww return and join Jay Lethal in a rematch. I get it, I get it. She drew mainstream attention to TNA. Did any of it sell tickets or ppv buys? Did any of it make people tune in and watch the show? She got $15,000 for a one-night appearance the last time. TNA has no money. How many wrestlers will they cut to pay for a reality tv “star?” I think back to the days of Christopher Daniels, AJ Styles, Samoa Joe, Chris Sabin, Kazarian, Alex Shelley, and even Kid Kash battling over the X-Division title, and my soul weeps.

Tara and Mickie James brawled to a double DQ.

Usually, double DQ or double countout finishes are terrible. This one was not. This was as serious a brawl as one could hope to see, male or female. The intensity and the palpable dislike were there, and one would legitimately believe that these two wanted to destroy one another. The fact that they continued to fight after the match was thrown out, rather than chastely heading to the back, and fought in the back again later in the show, really made it work. Now, if we could just have Hamada, Daffney, more Sarita, and an actual use of a full Knockouts division, that would be lovely.

The Motor City Machine Guns defeated Team 3D to retain the Tag Team Championship titles.

Match of the night, without question. Just watch it. People didn’t know which to team deserved cheers, so the start was awkward. The match went over fifteen minutes, so I can’t complain. There were several true near-falls, and when Chris Sabin kicked out of the 3D, everyone went berserk. The Guns pinned Brother Ray, and Team 3D is now retired. Or so we think. There was no swerve, no heel turn, no anything but a show of mutual respect. Good. Will something happen on “Impact?” Probably. TNA seems genetically incapable of NOT doing one. I personally liked the fact that it didn’t happen after such a good match, as it would have cheapened it. Whatever happens with Team 3D, they won’t be fighting the Guns for the tag team titles for a while. Good.

Rob Van Dam defeated Tommy Dreamer.

For those who haven’t heard, Tommy injured his wrist during the match, to the point of a bone sticking out, and finished the match anyway. He’s hardcore! He’s hardcore. That said, No one really cared about this match. Tommy just can’t go anymore. RVD has been booked to look like an absolute moron. I had as much nostalgia as the next person, but this match should not be happening in 2010. Let it go. Just let it all go. What point was served by having this match? Who benefits from this match taking place? Enough.

Fortune (AJ Styles, Kazarian, Douglas Williams, Robert Roode, and James Storm) defeated EV 2.0 (Raven, Rhino, Stevie Richards, Sabu, and Brian Kendrick). Sabu was fired.

No surprise here. The match was pretty bad. It’s the absolute height of idiocy to book a match where Fortune gets to fire a member of EV 2.0 if they win, but EV 2.0 does not get to do anything to Fortune if they win. No one bought for a second that anyone from Fortune was getting fired. That’s the problem with the excessive use of gimmick matches and stipulations for the sake of having them and not being “boring.” The audience no longer believes. Following the established pattern of cramming too much stuff in a single match or segment, the focus was less on who was getting fired, and whether or not Brian Kendrick is the traitor to EV 2.0. Kendrick had a knee brace on when he started the match, and Beer Money swept his knee fairly early on. He rolled to the outside, and was helped to the back by security. Much was said by the announce team that he was putting weight on the leg, and that he should have stayed at ringside. Look, if you want to make Brian Kendrick a heel, fine. He was actually getting cheered with energy and enthusiasm, unlike most people, but why let that stop you? The truly annoying thing is that if Kendrick does turn out to be in league with Immortal/Fortune (purely because someone thought that we stupid marks wouldn’t see it coming), Eric Bischoff will start backtracking and claiming that this was the plan all along, and trying to connect the dots where there plainly are none.    

Abyss defeated “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero.

The lumberjacks from the Pope’s Congregation weren’t fans at all. Someone apparently thought this through at the last possible second, and the announcement was made that the Congregation was actually people that The Pope knew in real life, including his own brother. Ok, I’ll go along with that. Pope was doing well against Abyss. Then Eric Bischoff came out. Yes, Bischoff has given himself more airtime on tv and ppv than almost any of the actual wrestlers around whom TNA could build a future and define an identity. Guess what he did. No, really. Guess. He made the universal gesture of “money” in the direction of the ring. Suddenly, the entirety of the Pope’s Congregation turned on him and punked him out, including his brother. You know, the brother that we’ve never once heard of, let alone actually met? That brother. Bischoff bought off the Pope’s Congregation. Great. The only people on Earth who will care about this and think that it was a brilliant idea are the people running TNA who get gushy and fuzzy inside at the thought of “No one will ever see this coming!” Stupid, stupid, stupid. It gets better. Later in the show, there’s a backstage segment with Bischoff and the former Congregation celebrating. Bischoff wears the Pope’s sunglasses and refers to him as a douchebag. It’s at times like this that people should be glad that I’m the only resident of Texas without a gun.

Jeff Jarrett defeated Samoa Joe.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! You idiots! You brain-dead, short-sighted, egomaniacal cretins! Except for Jeff Jarrett, nobody wants to see Jeff Jarrett beat Samoa Joe. Nobody. This has been proven by science. This match is why people don’t watch TNA. Ref bump? Check. Run-in by Gunner and Murphy’s Evil Security? Check. Jarrett using a policeman’s night stick on Joe? Check. Jarrett using Joe’s own finishing hold against him? Check. The one positive thing is that Joe didn’t tap out. His arm was raised three times and it hit the mat three times. Joe should have annihilated Jarrett in decisive fashion, and headed to the back. Period. Given the current booking, Joe needed this win. I’m guessing that’s precisely why he didn’t get it. I hate you, TNA. So very, very much.

Jeff Hardy defeated Matt Morgan to retain the World Heavyweight Championship title.

Hardy retaining was not a surprise. Morgan started off well against Hardy, but (surprise) did not look strong in defeat. How does one make a seven-foot monster athlete not look strong in defeat? Have him drop Hardy with a Carbon Footprint, and then make the referee stop counting at 2, despite the fact that Hardy did not kick out in any way. If Hardy was supposed to do something to stop the count, he didn’t. The World Heavyweight Champion should not be so sloppy or incompetent. Hardy won with a Whisper in the Wind followed by a Twist of Hate. Morgan just left without any confrontation. This is possibly the only type of circumstance where a post-match beatdown of the heel champ by the babyface challenger would have been a GOOD idea. It didn’t happen. Nothing happened. Morgan just slunk away with his tail between his legs. Then. THEN! Immortal/Fortune came to the ring. Partying ensues. Champagne is sprayed. Hardy is raised up on shoulders. Massive quantities of confetti fall from the ceiling. Ric Flair got “iced” again. Did a potential rebel army of Samoa Joe, Matt Morgan, Kurt Angle, Jay Lethal, and the Pope come out on the ramp and stare down the celebrating heels? No. No, it did not. It should have. It did not.

Guess who was advertised for the December ppv. No, really. Guess. Mick Foley, Hulk Hogan, Sting, and Kurt Angle. Only one of those names has any business being on a ppv at this point. Oh, and the referee in the main event who stopped counting at 2 for no reason? Jackson James? His real name is Garrett Bischoff. Eric Bischoff’s son now works for TNA, and will apparently get some tv time. He has been training with (wait for it) Brian Knobbs. I am not making up any of this. Word around the campfire is that his actual identity was being kept secret from most of the wrestlers. I don’t know if it’s true or not. I really don’t care. All I do know is that the bulk of this show, and the tv that promises to follow, does not interest or entertain me. An open letter to Bob and Janice Carter may be in my future.

Peace out,


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