Happy “International Talk Like a Pirate Day!” Yaaar!!!

“Impact” did not air last week. Did anyone notice?

Not likely. The review of this week’s “Impact,” which did air, though likewise, nobody noticed, didn’t materialize, and for that, I apologize. Three and a half months of unemployment and lack of income has weighed a bit more heavily on your friendly neighborhood Drowgoddess than enduring two hours of horrendously not-entertaining TNA. Watching it has become a chore, and writing about it even more so. I don’t enjoy it, I don’t like it, and I hate that this is true. I want to like it, and have a good time watching it on tv. I really do. Yes, my beloved Motor City Machine Guns are the tag team champions (Though the future Mr. Drowgoddess, Chris Sabin, has yet to return my calls!), and for that, I am most grateful. However, even that is no longer enough.

I will presume that you, dear readers, know the results of this past week’s “Impact” already, and this article will consist of commentary on a number of things TNA, not all of which were a part of “Impact.” Ready? Set? Wait for it…. Go!

Point A: The focus on the TNA power struggle is laughable. The only person who looks weak is Dixie, and she always looks weak. She issues a statement involving Ric Flair, and Hogan comes out and overrides her. Bischoff issues a statement involving the World Heavyweight title picture, and Dixie comes out and overrides him. By the end of the night, Bischoff has overridden Dixie again. NOBODY CARES!!! This should not even be a major storyline. The focus should be on the active wrestlers, the titles, and the issues between the wrestlers. Homicide was right, nobody knows who is really in charge of anything, but rather than be ashamed of this and attempt to solve the problem and move forward, TNA makes an on-air story out of it. I really don’t care whose idea it was, who convinced who to do it, or who agreed to do it. It’s not an entertaining concept to begin with, and even if it were, the execution of said concept has been terrible.

Point B: That every guy in the World Heavyweight title picture made his name and his career in WWE (Mr. Anderson, Jeff Hardy, Kurt Angle [sorry, as long as Angle has been in TNA, he’s still a WWE guy first]) is beyond wrong. AJ Styles carries a useless Television title that has yet to be defended since he won it. That hardly counts as title cred. Samoa Joe is tied up in a ridiculous and ultimately pointless, masturbatory feud between Jeff Jarrett, Kevin Nash, and Sting for… for… nobody really knows. Both sides accuse the other of being the cancer holding down TNA and backstage politics and whatever else can be thrown out from 1998 WCW. Hernandez is in Mexico because he’s Hispanic. Matt Morgan is in Fortune not doing much. Desmond Wolfe was doing nothing, then in a tag team, and recently vanished. “The Pope” appears to be making a heel turn for no reason at all, unless you count not trusting the guy who injured him and put him on the shelf for months. Just because said assailant has become popular with the fans through extensive use of the word “asshole” does not negate what he did earlier, yet Pope is the bad guy here? He was quite popular in his own right, and getting fans to boo him may not be as simple as TNA thinks.

Point C: The Kurt Angle/Jeff Hardy nonsense could all be handled so easily. Dixie herself announced on “Impact” that the match would go until there was a winner. This should have been done the very first time. Bischoff had no reason whatsoever to change it. “I had to do what I had to do. She hired me to make decisions and I made one.” Um, yeah. Does anyone else wonder if Samoa Joe was supposed to be in that spot, as he wrestled Jeff Hardy to a time-limit draw before Angle did? Kurt Angle can make anybody look good in the ring, but Jeff Hardy is not and has never been a great wrestler. That’s right, I said it, who wants some??? I was as big of a fan as the rest of you were, but the Hardy Boyz, and Jeff in particular, were sports entertainers, not wrestlers. If anything, Jeff has proven that fact by falling from the white-hot top guy in the industry to an ordinary guy with paint on his face since he jumped ship. He’s cruising on name value, and if anyone should be believably going to time-limit draws with Kurt Angle and Samoa Joe, it is not Jeff Hardy.

Point D: Jay Lethal should not be the new X-Division champion. Period. Aside from the fact that Douglas Williams completely owned him for most of the match and made the victory look like an absolute fluke, Fortune as a heel faction has no steam when you take away all of their titles. They aren’t winning matches and holding gold? Then what power do they have? They are collectively Ric Flair’s bitch brigade. Oh, THAT will be intimidating. Fortune needed to keep that title, regardless of the non-existence of the X-Division. That a title match was thrown out with no build, announcement, or acknowledgment is a slap in the face to anyone fighting for it. The same is true for the Knockouts Tag Team title match that opened the show. That Hamada and Taylor Wilde get tv time and a title match is good. That it was completely wasted was not so good.

Point E: Will someone please call the police on Abyss??? He nearly murdered the World Heavyweight champion with a deadly weapon, leaving him a squirming pile of bloody goo on the floor. He drags people around backstage. He chains people up and tortures them with branding irons. I’m more willing to suspend my disbelief than most, but this is too much. Abyss does all this and he doesn’t get fired? He doesn’t get arrested? He doesn’t get confronted by the entire locker room? I hang my head in shame at all of this. Naming his weapons after Dixie Carter’s parents does NOT make it better. It does, in fact, make it worse.

Point F: Speaking of the former World Heavyweight champion, who was nearly murdered by Abyss with a deadly weapon, leaving him a squirming pile of bloody goo on the floor, TNA’s handling of his return was lamer than a horse with no legs. The guy was supposed to be nearly dead, or crippled for life. We’re told that he’s returning! Far too soon, this should be dragged out for at least another month. Of what does this epic return consist? A phone call. A phone call to Mike Tenay and Taz, sounding perfectly laid-back and normal, talking about his conditioning and training. Um, no. NO, NO, NO, A THOUSAND TIMES NO!!! TNA has just killed any serious impact (don’t care about the pun) that RVD’s return could have.

Point G: No, seriously, this point is for G and only for G. The rest of you will have to ask his permission to read it. 😛 The last point involves the complete failure to hype most of what is supposed to be TNA’s biggest ppv of the year. This is their Wrestlemania, right? You’d never know. Sure, they still have some time, but the hype is not there. It isn’t copying WWE’s “Night of Champions” to defend every title that your company has at its biggest show of the year. Every TNA title should be defended. They aren’t. The biggest on-air feuds involve Hulk Hogan, Eric Bischoff, Dixie Carter, Ric Flair, Jeff Jarrett, Sting, and Kevin Nash. In 2010. In what is supposed to be a viable alternative to WWE. There’s no drama to the World Heavyweight title match, because everyone knows that Kurt Angle is going to win. This would not be true if that stupid retirement stipulation hadn’t been added where it was not needed. The X-Division title? There is no X-Division any longer, so no one cares about the title, but Lethal just took it from Williams, and they might be tossed on to the ppv. The Knockouts Tag Team titles have no contenders outside of The Beautiful People, and both groups of them are feuding with each other. The Knockouts title has just been a prop in TBP’s story, and the division isn’t deep enough to expect much. Daffney, evil Sarita, and that 6’9″ chick who just got released from WWE would add ever so much to it. AJ’s Television title had so much potential, but that title has barely been mentioned, let alone defended. The Tag Team title scene looks promising, with a heel Generation Me taking out Alex Shelley and then Chris Sabin with double DDTs on the ring apron. Someone should show John Cena how to sell that, not that it would help. A heel Generation Me is so much better than a face Generation Me. They look twelve years old, they’re smug and spoiled and overly-entitled, and you just want to punch them in the face on sight. The only thing missing is the music. Generation Me were the tag team champions in PWG for ages, and they cemented their heel turn by changing their entrance music to Hanson’s “Mmm-bop.” Brilliance, I tell you! This feud, however, definitely needs more tv time, at least through segments and promos. I want to watch this show, but TNA has to convince me.

Tune in next week when “Impact” airs on a full moon (RAWR!!!) and I actually provide coverage in a timely manner.

Peace out,



  1. Before I address the point G… which put a smile on my face…. I will comment on a couple things….

    – Almost forgot about the Talk Like a Pirate Day, read this last night (thank you for the reminder). Wanted to absorb point G, and write something of some "kind" of substance since you've taken the time to do so and make a personal reference towards a fellow cohort. The latter which is also appreciated.

    – Hoping an opportunity in the realms of income come your way sooner than later. Having experienced this feeling of idleness, I empathize completely.

    – A/B/C – exactly… and well put.

    – D – I don't get the Lethal title win either. The easy way out here is to acknowledge that it is "Just TNA being TNA," or that "Flair likes this kid," or whatever. I won't lie, I do enjoy the man's work, but this loss took something from the title. Williams is a great character and persona to hold the title to build it up. Again, I feel it would be cliche to rehash TNA burying the best thing that makes them unique… sigh. God damn it.

    – E – At least WWE got the over the top stuff right (for the most part) with SCSA being arrested. If Abyss was not on my television anymore for a while, nary a G would shed a tear.

  2. – G – 🙂 I'd love to hear anyone else respond on this one, because it's an excellent collection of criticism and thought upon a company that bleeds potential every week. I will try to address everything as best as I can…. Here we go (because Drow, you made a plethora of points within just this point alone):

    "This is their Wrestlemania, right?"
    – Let's look at the last couple of PPVs to start. Obviously the NOT ECW PPV was a one-shot deal, but since they chose to attempt to roll with it AFTER the PPV made things off-focus. Then, we get stuck with a PPV on a long weekend Sunday that is overlooked to shill their so-called WrestleMania. Now, they are wasting so many opportunities to actually do something with the biggest PPV they tell us they hold. I can't justify why anyone could take them seriously. This links into your point about defending titles with meaningful storylines and unpredictable outcomes at the "big one." Everything is such a mess, they'd be better off NOT reminding us that this is "Their WrestleMania" at all. Just sell an event for now. If you think about it (not too hard folks, you'll have an aneurysm like Ol' G), the last two PPV's have been strikes… one more and they're out. The baseball metaphor was just for J.T.

    "There’s no drama to the World Heavyweight title match, because everyone knows that Kurt Angle is going to win."
    – On paper, the "I'm going to quit if I lose" angle sounds good. Booked like this, totally robs the suspension of disbelief from the match. I can't agree more here. For me, the only saving grace is that regardless of the outcome, the parts of the match leading up to the obvious conclusion have potential to showcase skills. The storytelling part is ruined since we all know Angle isn't retiring without something significant. I'd bet he would find a way to return to WWE to ensure he goes out in a way that pleases Kurt Angle. Depending on the level of retardedness of TNA not seeing that reality, it's a wait-and-see thing in my opinion. What a shame that what should be the biggest match of the night doesn't even need a SPOILER ALERT!!!111!!

    "There is no X-Division any longer"
    – God damn, the truth surely hurts. I'm holding out for a zombie apocalypse to save us! 🙂 Also, my Douglas Williams point above is kind of my fantasy booking. In a perfect world (one without contractual appearance limitations), RVD w/ Fonzie would show up one night and say something like,

    RVD: "Hey cool! A television title! I held one of those for like 23 months until I got hurt and had to forfeit it due to injury…"

    (awkward pause, as RVD stares into the TV camera. Fonzie blows whistle running around like… well… an idiot. But you love it).

    RVD: "A.J. You and I have held heavyweight titles and lost them over the years… but since I've never actually really lost my last TV title, I want you to stop Bogarting it!"

    … or something of the like. It'll never happen (even though they actually COULD use Rhyno in some capacity as well considering history). Once again… sigh.

    "The Knockouts"
    – What a fucking waste of a good thing since Hogan/Bischoff came in. I actually gave a damn about a lot of the real wrestlers they've lost, and as you've aptly noted, it's just plain deteriorated. I don't mind TBP… I don't. But let's not dominate our programming with borderline porn and sexual innuendo. We came to watch wrestling. We can download porn if we so choose… Drow is completely correct here. 100% Also needs more Daffney. While I have made no illusion to my obvious crush on this talented wrestler (who plays for the other team, but I can dream), I enjoy her work so much so that it would not matter to me whether or not she tickles my fancy. Hence, my point.

    "Generation Me were the tag team champions in PWG for ages"
    – Here's a feud I am holding my breath for (someone please call 911?). In all honesty, the best of 5 series between the MCMG's and Beer Money was stellar. I hope TNA sees the shining light of the last half year in that feud and just give this division more flexibility and time. Here's another chance to insert another "new" team into what WWE has almost murdered as an idea in wrestling… here in the year 2010.

    I'm off to listen to "Hansen's Greatest Hit." Great single. I recommend everyone pick up a copy! Or just steal it online (c'mon, no one is going to feel bad those kids do not get paid).

    Hey, hey, write an essay, get an essay comment back!

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