TNA Impact; 06/03/2014; Meh.By Noyce · · Leave a Comment
I was woken early by my postman. Damn I’m tired. I also have new socks though.
Bobby Roode starts the show with the Bromans setting up a six man to decide who has the man advantage, and the Bromans winning their titles back in Japan is covered. Roode just can’t resist cutting a promo. He says in 3 days he’ll own 10% and TNA will be ran the Roode way, and MVP is the only thing standing in his way. Austin Aries comes out. What he did last week was in his best interests, and Roode only won because he helped. He wants the 10% Roode is going to get. Roode says they’ll talk if they win , and Aries says he wants to split the 10% 50/50, each getting five. Bromans argue they want some too. Roode reaffirms that winning is priority one, and Aries reaffirms he’s going to win it. That’s when MVP comes out with the Wolves.
MVP says that he’s got his latest man, but Dixie interrupts before he can say who. Spoiler alaert, it’s Willow. Dixie doesn’t care who it is, as last week she went to New York to secure victory. She says she wouldn’t give up the company for anything. MVP spends too long introducing Jeff Hardy. Dixie says that he’s been suspended because he walked out, and Dixie won’t un-suspend him, but MVP says he’ll definitely be there. Dixie says it’ll happen over her dead body, and MVP offers to have some wreaths made for her funeral. I think…I think he just said he’d kill her. Roode gets in MVP’s face and there’s a six man brawl. Yay.
Wolves and MVP vs Bobby Roode and Bromans
They cut to break during brawl and come back to the Bromans beating one of the Wolves. I’m too tired to remember which one is which. It’s elimination rules. MVP quickly eliminates Robbie E, and Roode quickly gets in the ring and Wailords on him. Edwards is eliminated by an Aries via
Brainbuster. Roode cheats to eliminate MVP with Aries’ help. Richards is tag teamed like a drunken college girl and I make myself feel bad. Aries and Roode work pretty well as a team but Richards fights back. He even makes Roode DDT Aries by shoving Aries into Roode, and then drop kicking Roode. That was something to see. Aries takes out Richards with a chair, eliminating himself but crippling the Wolf. Edwards comes out to check on Richards and they tease the match can’t continue. MVP comes out too and they go to break.
Post break they show Richards being taken backstage. Hebner is backstage too. He says that Richaards has an hour to recover and get back out there to finish the match, and the trainer says it won’t happen. To tell the Wolves apart I just have to remember that Richards is the one with the tattoos.
There’s a recap on Samuel’s Shaw gonna rape you. Shaw is backstage and says that Hemme created beauty when she slapped him. Now he’s going to show something beautiful in the ring.
Samuel Shaw vs Eric Young
Borasch does the introductions here as a nice touch and Shaw comes out with some tea he leaves with the time keeper. Shaw is also on Lockdown in a cage with Anderson. Mr Anderson comes out and says he’s going to play the part of Hemme. He introduces Shaw as “Creepy Bastard” and introduces his opponent. Someone needs to recruit Anderson back into a bike gang. E.Y attacks Shaw in the corner and Shaw just laughs at the pain and mixes his time between attacking E.Y and shouting at Anderson. The fight goes out the ring and Shaw throws his tea in E.Y’s face and chokes out Anderson. Shaw tells Anderson’s corpse he’s going to claim what’s his, and Hemme is shown backstage looking scared.
MVP is in the trainers room with Richards. He pumps him up and goes to find Aries. He finds him, they argue, and MVP says he has no character and walks out.
There’s a video package on Ethan Carter and Kurt Angle. Dixie goes to explain why she missed the show last week and EC3 walks in. They have a chat about MVP and Angle. MVP won’t see what Dixie has planned for him.
Shaw is wandering backstage looking for Christie Hemme. He walks into the female dressing room, and finds Velvet Sky in her underwear. Shaw asks her where Christie is and she tells him. Way to sell out your friend.
EC3 heads to the ring and grabs a mic to cuts a promo on Angle. This was great. He says you should never meet your heroes, because they will sucker punch you in the face. EC3 says Angle will use the cage as a weapon because he fears his Leg Lock. It’s no Arm Bar, but it’ll do. EC3 defeated Sting and became the new Icon, and after he beats Angle he’ll be the new face of ‘Murrican Wrasslin. After this Sunday he’ll be The American Icon. I love this man. Speaking of men, Kurt Angle comes out and rips on EC3. They’re three days away from Angle ending his short career but Angle doesn’t want to wait. He jumps in the ring and Carter jumps out and walks out. Angle limps out and gets jumped by EC3, and subsequently pounded like a drunken college girl. I’ve seen the internet. It’s true, it’s damn true. EC3 locks on a Figure Something Leg Lock and gets pulled off by the refs.
Richards is still backstage, still getting pumped up by MVP. Richards says he’s hurt, but still breathing. Chris Sabin is shown walking in the back with three women. Lucky bastard.
There’s a video package for some new guy coming in called Kenny King. Never heard of him.
Alpha Female, Gail Kim, and Lei’D Tapa vs Velvet Sky, ODB, and Madison Rayne
I’m too tired to give a damn. I fast forwarded TNA for the first time in a while. Everyone but Sky ends up outside the ring and Sabin gets in her face. She slaps him and sends him out the ring before getting the victory over Alpha Female.
Shaw is backstage looking for the make up room. Some English wanker shows him the way. If I was Hemme I’d quit because clearly no one cares about her safety.
Willow promo! “When trials are over, consequences determine what’s worth waiting for, and the overall experience is catastrophic. The waiting my friends, is almost over, as there’s nothing left to say. God did a lot in seven days, now let’s see what I can do. We love, we hate, we die, forever late in Willow’s way.” Told you I could transcribe that shit!
Shaw finds the make up room, and what he thinks is Hemme. It’s Anderson in a wig. They brawl behind a closed door and Anderson covers Shaw’s face in lipstick before continuing to pound him. Kenny tells Shaw to leave her alone and walks off. Shaw laughs, and says he’ll see them both Sunday after sniffing the wig. He’s a level above creepy.
Recap of Storm and Gunner. I just realised they should have called their team Operation Desert Storm. Gunner comes out to the ring and cuts a decent promo. Storm ran away like a coward, but they’re in a cage on Sunday. When Gunner is in a cage, PTSD is going to set in and he’s only going to see Viet Cong. Wait, wrong war. If he has PTSD I don’t think he should be wrestling. Storm comes out and says that his codes of honour are just excuses for losing. It’s going to be a nasty fight but that’s what Gunner wants. He wants to prove that he was the toughest part of Operation Desert Storm. The fake team, not the operation. Gunner says the match should be a Last Man Standing match. Storm doesn’t answer that, and just tells Gunner to pray to God because he’s going to be cut down. Storm hits a cheap shot and puts Gunner down with the super kick.
Roode drags the young Hebner to the ring as Richards is taped up backstage. Roode is in the ring and tells Mini Hebner to count Richards out and declare him the winner. The bell rings and Hebner Squared starts counting. He gets to 8 and the Wolves music hits. In the time it took Richards to get to the ring Hebner could have counted to 20 and used Japan rules.
Bobby Roode vs Davey Richards
What do you expect? Roode focuses on the injured shoulder. Roode pulls the tape off and keeps up the ass kicking. Richards fights back and gets a few hope spots, and Tenay gets in one really uncomfortable segue. He sends out his condolences on the passing of British wrestler Billy Robinson, and says he was also an MMA trainer, and then says “Speaking of MMA” and plugs some MMA shit. Fuck you in the ass with a rake Tenay. Fuck you. Roode wins by making Richards tap out like the bitch Tenay is.
Magnus is backstage with Dixie. She affirms she has the Lockdown match under control, and mentions having 100% of the company. If she wins, Roode gets 10 so she’d only have 90. Besides the match isn’t even for control of the company, it’s for control of WRESTLING OPERATIONS. I take that to mean that MVP books all the matches and handles the wrestlers, leaving Dixie to take care of the business aspects. I’m in a critical mood. Magnus asks what her plan to protect him is, and Dixie says she has a great strategy for him. The strategy is that he goes out and wins. Why has no one thought of this?
Magnus and Samoa Joe face off
8 minutes of this? Damn. Joe comes out first and calls out Magnus. Magnus does come out, and talks their tag team days, and their days before TNA. As soon as the Main Event Mafia finished, Magnus became the main event. That fills Joe with rage, and that will be his undoing. Magnus is afraid of Joe, but he knows Joe always loses the big match because of his rage. His rage makes him vulnerable, and weak, and that’s why Magnus will win. Joe says that Magnus is right, but his perspective is wrong. Sometimes Joe doesn’t win matches because he blacks out and wants to spill his opponents blood. The rules don’t support his brand of violence, but, hey, it’s Joe’s rules so it doesn’t matter. TL;DR Joe’s gonna kill you. Magnus jumps Joe, Joe fights back, and chokes Magnus out to send the show off the air with Magnus tapping.
5/10 show. It’s not often I go below six but I can’t think of much great about this show. Some good, sure, not so much great.
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