Time for the second to last Impact. Are you ready?

James Storm comes out to start the show. It would have been so great if they booked it so that he ended Impact and we finally had a heel faction destroy a wrestling company. He calls out the Wolves for his answer. The one that Storm isn’t interested in tries to tell Storm no but Davey grabs the mic and tells Eddie he can speak for himself, and make his own decisions. He’s thought about Storm’s offer and it makes sense, but his conclusion is that Storm is insane. His answer is no. Storm and the boys jump the Wolves and Storm chokes Davey with his bullrope and is fired a la Daniel Bryan. Storm ties up Richard’s leg in the bullrope and goes to town on it with a chair. Security come out to seperate everyone while Richards cries like a little bitch.The Revolution leave and come back with Storm holding a briefcase. Storm hits Edwards with the case and goes back to hitting Richard’s leg with it. He opens the briefcase and it’s a Feast or Fired briefcase. Storm cashes it in as a title shot.

James Storm and Abyss vs The Wolves for the TNA Tag Titles

I completely forgot that Storm had that case. He won it with Gunner almost a year ago. Storm hits Eye of The Storm on Eddie, taunts him and is about to pin him when Abyss interrupts. Abyss gets on the apron and stares at Storm as Storm announces Abyss has joined him. Abyss is his tag partner, and Storm tags him in. Abyss choke slams Edwards, hits the Black Hole Slam, and gets a hug from Storm, who tags himself in for the win. Storm gets the pin, and the Revolution are the tag champs now. Post match Storm hits Eye of The Storm on Richards for good measure and walks off with the boys and his belts.

Madison Rayne vs Taryn Terrell
Taryn fights hard and Madison tries to walk off, and avoid Taryn. It fails and she dies. Rayne takes advantage with cheap shots and I just stop caring. FFW! Taryn wins.

Kurt Angle is backstage on the phone. Bobby Lashley walks in and says he wants his rematch tonight and Angle says he can’t have it. Roode is busy doing promotional work and isn’t around. Lashley threatens him and walks off.

That new Indian wrestler is backstage and is jumped by Manik who says he sounds like a superhero and he was awesome at the bar. Manik says there’s a powerful man he wants Bashira to meet and they walk off to see Storm.

I wonder what TNA is worth in rupees.

I wonder what TNA is worth in rupees.

Kenny King comes out to the ring and introduces himself. He has a few things he wants to talk about. The first thing is his crew. MVP is away on a photoshoot and, yeah, Lashley is pissed off, but it’s not at the crew. He’s pissed off at Angle and Roode. When Lashley gets mad he destroys so he’ll be champ again soon. The next thing is to sort out his beef with Chris Melendez, and he calls Chris out to the ring. Chris comes out to the ring flanked by Mr Anderson. King complains that he’s been classed as not patriotic now. He loves America, but hates Melendez for being a fraud. Anderson says Chris is a hero and an inspiration. Great, another “America is so fucking awesome we’re going to suck our own dicks” angle. Anderson insults King and King says God gave man one mouth and one asshole, and he’s not sure which one Anderson is using, and calls Melendez Peggy. Love it. King is angry that people call Chris a wrestler and he wants to fight Melendez one on one as long as Chris has his blonde girlfriend sit at home. Chris says Ken believes in him and so do the crowd, so he’ll do it and he’ll win. King will learn that Chris is better than him and that he belongs here. King says that Ken is a role model, but he learned when he was a kid that role models are like Santa Claus; they don’t exist. He decks Anderson and runs off.

Gail Kim and Kurt Angle are backstage with Angle. They both want to fight Havok and Angle says next week it’s a threeway for the title. They thank him and walk off. Well that was short and sweet.

Here at Bored Wrestling Fan we educate, as well as entertain.

Here at Bored Wrestling Fan we educate, as well as entertain.

The Beautiful People (and The Bromans) vs The Menagerie (minus Rob Terry) in an Elimination Match
Yes folks this is a 4 on 3 handicap match. Of course if Rebel gets eliminated it’s straight 2 on 2 because this isn’t Lucha Underground. Rebel and Angelina Love start things off and Steve slaps her ass. The distraction lets Rebel get the pin and eliminate Angelina Love. Knux comes in and hits a fucking drop kick after a cartwheel. I had no idea the guy was that agile. He knocks Jessie Godderz down but DJZ hits a cross body and Godderz hits the pin. Steve runs in and pins DJZ immediately so its a mixed tag now.

Rebel and Velvet Sky go at it and things turn into a softcore lesbian porn as Tazz makes an amazing Stretch Armstrong reference. Love runs interference and Velvet Sky gets the win. Knux argues with the ref about the spray in the eye and DJZ blindsides Steve so Jessie can finish him off. Velvet begs for the tag and attacks Steve. At this point Steve should be allowed to punch her in the face but he can’t because of feminism. Steve reverses something and gets the pin so it’s one on one. Jessie shredrapes Steve hard. Steve manages to hit a Tornado DDT from the corner and gets the win. Menagerie win! MENAGERIE WIN! Mavenfan is seen celebrating in the crowd.

Eric Young and Jeremy Borasch are backstage. They debate if it’s possible to actually have the taste slapped out of your mouth and Spud runs in dressed in an army uniform suit. He asks JB if he’s okay and thanks Eric for everything he’s done. This week Eric is facing Tyrus and Spud asks if he can be in Eric’s corner. Eric says sure, and says they’ll put “The bigger they are the harder they fall” to the test and tells Spud to call him EY and not “Sir”.

The Revolution are backstage and Storm congratulates Abyss and notices Bashira. Is that his name? Manik tries to introduce him but Storm spits on the ground, says there is a price to pay for salvation, and slaps Manik in the face and tells him to get rid of Bashira. They walk off together and Storm calls Manik back and whispers something in his ear. Manik bows and walks off again.

Never forget

Tyrus vs Eric Young
Tyrus punches the beard off of Eric Young and Spud tries to intimidate Ethan Carter outside the ring. Ethan tells Tyrus to crush Eric Young, and he goes for the Swagger Bomb. Eric avoids it and fights back. Eric hits a sort of slam and Spud stops Ethan from interfering and even knocks him on his ass. Eric drops the elbow and manages to get the win. Tyrus is now buried deeper than the bones of the legendary Funkasaurus. Post match Bobby Lashley hops in the ring and Spears Eric Young before just destroying Spud. He grabs a chair and traps Eric’s arm in it before stomping in the chair and putting a crossface on him, while the chair is still on his arm. Austin Aries (he lives?) runs out with a chair for the save. Aries grabs a mic and challenges Lashley to a match. Lashley walks off while accepting the match.

Samuel Shaw and Brittany are backstage. She says she has to say something to him that won’t make him happy. Gunner came on to her. Heh. Shaw walks off pissed off while Brittany smirks. Sam Shaw should know Gunner only has eyes for him.

Samoa Joe comes out to the ring. Apparently he’s injured after the match last week. They air a video of him being put into an ambulance last week and Joe says he needs to do something. The hardest decisions are the right ones and he has to make the right decision. He’s been informed that he’s not medically cleared to compete and has to go on the shelf for a while. He wanted to reinvigorate the X-Division and bring the X-Division back to the light. It was the division of the true wrestler, for the true wrestling fan. That was a great line. Joe knows there are people who risk it all for his belt, and those men deserve better. The fans deserve better. As a result Joe has made the decision to vacate the title. VACANT WINS ANOTHER TITLE! VACANT RULES! Joe puts the belt on one of the turnbuckles and says when he’s healthy he’s going after whoever wins the belt. Tazz keeps questioning what the injury is and now I’m curious too. Joe walks off after saying he’s coming after whoever gets the belt. Next week it’s Low Ki, Tigre Uno, Manik and DJZ in a 4 way for the title.

Cats on RAW means cats on my Impact review

Cats on RAW means cats on my Impact review

Bram is backstage. He pretty much says he’s going to kill Tommy Dreamer. That’s it.

Samuel Shaw vs Gunner in a No DQ match
I have to say, Christie Hemme is really comfortable with Sammy Shaw now. Shaw ducks to the side of the ramp and hides ready to jump Gunner. The distraction works and Sam jumps Gunner and chokes him with his shirt. Okay I’ve seen enough people getting choked, and enough people making out. The pair fight outside the ring for a few minutes and Gunner tosses his broken ass in the ring and beats him with a chair. Gunner beats Shaw with a chair outside the ring too. Shaw drops Gunner on the steel steps and teases suplexing him on to them. Gunner fights out and drops Shaw into the ring instead. Gunner punches Shaw out of the air and grabs yet another chair. Even though there’s already four or five in the ring. He hits Shaw with a chair and tries to Superplex him into a pile of chairs. He hits the Superplex but takes most of the chairs himself because he’s an idiot. Gunner crawls over and goes to attack Shaw, but Brittany distracts him. Gunner drags Shaw outside and powerbombs him on to the steps to mess with Brittany. Gunner tosses Shaw into the ring and Brittany follows him. She gets between him and Shaw and kicks Gunner square in the nuts. Gunner grabs Brittany’s leg and gets a chair shot to the back for his trouble. Shaw goes to put Gunner in the choke but Gunner reverses it and slams Shaw back on to the chairs for the win.

TNA fans when TNA comes back

TNA fans when TNA comes back

Bobby Lashley vs Austin Aries
Aries goes for the win pretty early with the Last Chancery but of course he had no chancery. Aries keeps up the offence as much as he can to wear Lashley down and Lashley hits the occasional power spot. Lashley does his best BRACK LASNAR impression and hits suplex after suplex after suplex after suplex and you get the idea. Aries literally bites his way out of a Superplex attempt and hits a missle dropkick. Aries hits the discus forearm but can’t get the Brainbuster in. He hits a Neckbreaker through the ropes and a Suicide Dive. The pair put on a pretty great match. Lashley gets back into things by tossing Aries off the turnbuckle into the steel steps and Aries looked like he legit passed out. Lashley whips him into the stairs and Aries comes to life. Lashley hits the Spear outside the ring and the match ends in a double countout. I didn’t even realise there was a count going on. Lashley Press Slams Aries on to the ramp and locks in the Crossface. Other refs come out to seperate Lashley and Aries and Lashley walks off to end the show.

Post by Noyce

Mark Noyce is one of the co-hosts of Bored Wrestling Fan and occasional contributor to the site. He's published a few books on Amazon you can find by searching his name and is looking for voice and written work so contact him via Twitter if you're interested.

All posts by Noyce | Noyce on Twitter

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