Home ▸ Impact ▸ TNA Impact 13/02/14 St. Valentines Day Massacre

I’ve barely slept all week, and I’m not feeling good. This won’t go well.

The show starts with the Dixie Stable, which means this definitely didn’t start well. She’s not lost any sleep over MVP and won’t lose anything because she has Magnus. EC3 reminds her she also has him and Magnus gets the mic. He also gets “You sold out” chants. See yankies, you don’t have to cheer someone just because they’re from your hometown. They even booed after he said he was the first ever British world champion and hit a cheap pop. So he heels on them. He’s glad he’s in Manchester because it means it’s a year since he’ll have to come back and they make him ashamed to be British. It was a little unfair of the fans to chant boring though, I was enjoying him. He brings up MVP and says that MVP can’t buy him, and he doesn’t sell out. The lights go out and MVP appears with Joe at the ramp.

MVP says that if Magnus can’t be bought he must have bought Dixie, and hopefully got a discount given all the wear and tear. He makes the match between Joe and Magnus official for Lockdown and Gunner comes out with his case. He announces he’ll cash in…next week. Dixie counters by making a match between Gunner and Ethan, with the briefcase on the line. MVP counters by putting Ethan’s tag team briefcase on the line by hanging both cases above the ring. Winner takes all. Dixie agrees and MVP threatens to interfere himself if anyone interferes in the match. How about that, a non-painful opening segment that didn’t last half an hour?

EC3 vs Gunner in a Ladder Match for Two Briefcases
It’s typical ladder fare for a while, with people getting dropped from and in to the ladder. Magnus runs out and beats off Gunner (COCKTALK!) and James Storm comes in for the save, sending both Magnus and Ethan out of the ring. MVP comes out and makes this a tag team match playa. Insert racist comment here. MVP messes up though by making it the match it already was. He declares it’s now a case vs case, winner takes all match. The commentators clarify he meant tag team match. They go to break and come back with a tag match in progress. This kinda throws out the stip though, who gets the cases when a team wins? Can Magnus get his own world title shot? I’ll wait and see rather than shitting on it. It’s not hard. Unlike that ladder, which Gunner was sent into several times. They finally did a spot where a heel holds a face, and the face actually got hit!

This is not helping my racist reputation.

Magnus stops Ethan from climbing the ladder and tries to climb up himself. While they bitch Storm comes into the ring and kicks them out. Gunner gets taken out while Storm is setting up the ladder, and Storm sends out Magnus leaving Ethan as the one man in the ring. Gunner soon stops him and goes for the cases. He grabs the chain they’re hung on and jumps off the ladder, dragging the cases to the ring to take them off. That was a pretty cool ending. Gunner and Storm pose with both titles and don’t turn on eachother.

Anderson is backstage and he’s asked what the casket match is about. It’s about family. He shows a picture of his twins for the camera, which means Bully lost his chance to pile drive his pregnant wife.

Bromans walk into Dixie’s office and Spud is dividing the room in half. The Bromans say that they had an brogreement with EC3 saying he wouldn’t cash in the case. Spud tries to reassure them she has control and MVP comes out and says she’s losing control. Spud threatens to call the lawyers and MVP says that no one pays to see lawyers. They pay to see action, and he makes a six man tag between Bromans and The Wolves, and a mystery third partner for them. I’m really, really liking MVP. I hope this is a shoot. Or that they’re actually listening to him backstage.

I think this would hurt

The Bromans vs The Wolves and Samoa Joe
The match starts with a six man brawl ending with Richards in the ring with Jessie. The Wolves make frequent tags and occasionally use Joe as a weapon. If these are the guys they have on ROH I’ll consider watching it. Richards gets distracted and the Bromans take control of the match. Richards eventually gets the hot tag to Joe who just tenderises Zema. The Bromans try to break up a pin and Joe gets off Ion in time for them to hit Zema instead. The Wolves dive outside to take out the Bromans as Joe locks on the Clutch inside the ring for the win.

Abyss is shown backstage walking to the ring. He kills a guy.

Dixie and MVP are backstage. Velvet walks in and asks Dixie to call off her match with Sabin. She says no, and MVP gets in her face for making an intergender match. She says she wants him to wrestle so she can have him put through a table. MVP says he’s not wrestling because he’s busy cleaning up her mess. Spud says he’s not wrestling because he’s washed up and he, Spud, could put him in his place. MVP says he brought his gear he’s going to call the board, to their match next. Yep.

SPORTS!

What’s actually next is an Abyss in ring segment. He’s not wearing his mask, and says he didn’t want things to go this way, but EY messed that up. He tells EY to come and see what he’s done, and EY obliges. He says he was just trying to help and gets in the ring when Abyss says he’s afraid to. EY proved last week he’s not afraid of anything and EY says he was asked by Park to find Abyss, and he did that. EY says what he proved is that he’s Park’s and Abyss’s friend and he loves Abyss. He showed Park just who he is. Park asks who he is, and EY who he is and says he doesn’t know anything. He’s carved his body to bits, destroyed lives and careers and left carnage wherever he goes. He slips back into Park mode and says he can’t do it anymore. He can’t be Abyss anymore. He wants help. EY says he can help him, but Park slips back into Abyss mode and says he doesn’t want help and that him and EY are done. What he really needs to do is go away and embrace the hate. He needs to find someone who understands him. He picks up his mask, drops it, and walks off. You’d think he’d want to keep the mask if he wanted to embrace Abyss.

Christie is shown walking around before the show. Samuel helps her put her suitcase away and says she was right to want to keep things professional and he shakes her hand. He walks off and presumably jacks off with the hand she shook.

More sports!

MVP vs Spud
Before the match Tazz says he googled Rockstar Spud and found out he was the mascot of all of England. Damn straight he is Google. Tazz then goes on to imply he was the one who was penetrated in a gay relationship. Typical chickenshit heel stuff. Spud avoids getting into the ring until he can cheap shot MVP. MVP takes it until he can just Wailords on him. MVP hits the Ballin Elbow Drop and kicks him in the head for the win. He pinned him by shoving his knee on Spud’s throat. MVP is a dangerous man people.

Speaking of Rockstar Spud…

Bobby Roode charges around backstage opening every door and asking for Dixie as he screams her name. She has an office man.

There’s a video package for Jeff Hardy in a mask. That was freaky as fuck. It ends with the caption “Willow is Coming” so maybe it’s not Hardy. Sure looked like him though.

Dixie is backstage on the phone when Roode finally finds her. He demands a title shot and Dixie says the contender’s match was that shot and calls him a sore loser. Roode rages and says she owes him. When Dixie says she doesn’t owe him anything, he threatens her and walks off.

Velvet Sky vs Chris Sabin in an “Equality Bitches” match
Sabin mocks Velvet’s entrance and humps the ropes on his way in. He grabs the mic and lets Velvet get the first shot in. Velvet doesn’t so Sabin mocks her and calls her a skank. Velvet goes to kick him in the balls but hits his knee and then gets his balls. Sabin pulls out a cup so Velvet hits him there again and Wailords (it’s a thing now) on him until White Awesome Kong comes out and beats her off. Sabin tells Whitey to finish her off and she puts a Full Nelson on Velvet and drops her. Sabin body pops and pins Velvet for the three count. This is the most I’ve loved Chris Sabin. He celebrates on top of Whitey’s shoulders.

Wailord up in here bitches!

Bully is backstage in Anderson’s room. He takes out Anderson’s phone and calls his wife and this was just fantastic. He tells her that it’s the phone call she’s been dreading. Anderson isn’t dead yet but he will be, and he’s coming home in a coffin. He ends it by telling her to tell the twins “Daddy says goodbye”.

Bobby Roode is asked what happened in Dixie’s office. He says he lost it and everything needs to come to an end. It’s over. He needs some time to think, and teases potentially leaving next week. Security show up and escort him out the building.

Bully Ray vs Ken Anderson in a Casket Match
Anderson is wearing full tights now that have microphones on the side. By the divines they look hideous. Bully takes off his hoody to reveal a Liverpool Football club shirt. They’re in Manchester, they hate Liverpool, and he got huge heat for it while I laughed. Anderson Wailords all over Bully, tears off the football shirt and chokes Bully with it. Bully hits a cheap shot as they go to break, and both men have chairs as they come out of it. Time your matches better people! Anderson grabs a table and sets it up in the ring. Bully hits a big boot and opens Anderson up. Bully wipes Anderson’s blood on his face and smashes it to dust. Bully died of AIDS and formed Angels and Eights up in Heaven. He’s riding with Jesus now. Bully Ray’s corpse comes back to life and continues the assault Anderson with a Superplex. Zombies have superhuman strength. Bully throws Anderson into the casket but can’t put the lid down. Anderson gets hit with a chair and powerbombed through the table. Bully sets Anderson up for a pile driver in the casket but Anderson reverses it into a Mic Check. For added effect he throws in the Liverpool shirt too before putting the lid down for the win. There’s five minutes of the show left so I’m scared Dixie might ruin something. Of course she does.

The real reason they’re keeping Sin Cara.

They cut backstage with Dixie and MVP. Dixie offers to buy MVP’s non-existant shares. She hands MVP a contract that has a “substantial amount of money” and MVP agrees it would be the biggest payday he’s ever had. MVP says it’s not about money and he wants to improve TNA. He’s barely done with that. Her offer is good, but he won’t take it. He tries to set up a Lockdown match for control of TNA. Dixie originally says no but sort of agrees to it by the end of the segment and the end of the show.

The show wasn’t bad but once again they ruined a great main event with a segment they could have done before the match. Or just some other time. I was in a bad mood and tired but TNA kept my interest all throughout the show. I didn’t fastforward or skip through a single thing. Easily a 7/10 show. It would have been 8 but Dixie just ruins everything.

How I feel when Dixie ends the show.

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