Another week, another Impact. It’s not grating or anything, sometimes I’m just tired.

The show started with a Magnus package. I’m only mentioning it because they say he weighs 17 stone, which is funny because it’s a British measurement of weight. They also said he’s from the UK, which makes him British. Are the fans that retarded? Wow my enthusiasm went down pretty fast.

Angle comes out to start the show, and to address his future. He says that 2013 was the worst year of his career. He confirmed that he’s not a cyborg and he has plans for 2014. Before he can tell us them he’s Roode-ly interrupted. Damn I crack myself up. Roode asks Kurt if he’s actually going to retire and wants Angle to say that he, Roode, is better. Angle responds by challenging him to ONE. MORE. MATCH. Roode pretty much says no, but then offers stipulations. Roode wants it to be a retirement match for Angle. If he loses he leaves, and never goes into the TNA hall of fame. Angle confirms the match will take place at Genesis and wants it to be a steel cage match. Roode accepts the match and then a brawl started.

Rockstar Spud came out as part of the pull apart team which was just great. He was wearing a pure white suit on a white wrestling mat and he disappeared more than you’d think he would. He sets up a tag team match playa. Roode and Angle need to find a partner and then they get to have a tag match. Damn fine opening segment. Especially after all the turrible ones lately.

A white Spud in a snowstorm

A white Spud in a snowstorm

Diiiiixiiieeee backstage segment. She’s said she’s waited 11 years to find a perfect champion and tonight he’s getting crowned. Someone yells cut and now everything that happens is totally real you guys. She got a letter that just says “See you tonight.”

Spuuuuuuuuuud backstage segment. Dixie hands him the letter and asks him to find out about it.

Gail Kim Open Challenge
I’m waiting for Tapa to just kick her in the face and win the belt. She’s eligible. This week it’s Madison Rayne. Still some of the best entrance music in TNA. Rayne posed on the top rope and gave Kim a flying cross body to start the match. Rayne dominated until Kim got back in it and this match was not pretty, but it was fun. Tapa got involved by pulling Rayne out the ring but to no avail. I think the commentators talked about everything other than this match. So now I’m going to copy them. Rayne hit a side roll and got the pin. That means she gets a title match.

Chris Sabin is backstage being Chris Sabin. He told Velvet Sky if he doesn’t leave with the belt, he’s leaving without her too.

Angle is backstage recruiting partners. He got one in the first segment. Gunner agrees to be his partner and Storm appears, unimpressed with his choice.

I can only hope someone gets this reference.

I can only hope someone gets this reference.

Frail Sabin vs Austin Aries for the X-Division title
I actually totally forgot Aries was the champion. I remember when this guy was the biggest guy on the show. The only shining moment. Now he’s forgotten. Both guys pose in the corner and Velvet reluctantly gives Sabin a kiss. Then Aries kicked the crap out of him and I thought they’d redo the 18 second Bryan loss. Sabin gets put in the Last Chancery and Velvet refuses to help him. Pretty damn good much. Not much flippy stuff given the X-Division name but still good. Velvet eventually gave in and helped and Sabin won the match, and the title, with a sneaky rollup. Post match Sabin thanks the one person he couldn’t have done it without, Chris Sabin.

Rockstar Spud was backstage practicing his lines when he gets a crank phone call. His ringtone was Dixie’s entrance theme.

Samual Shaw vs Norv Fernum
The jobbers live! Before Christie Hemme can announce Sam’s opponent he ushers her out of the ring safely. Sam has the worst ring gear I’ve seen in a long time but he wins the match in typical jobber fashion. They also continued to tease the relationship between him and Chrisie. I like him. He actually won by choking out Fernum for the three arm drops.

I get it's an American Psycho reference like his character, but seriously?

I get it’s an American Psycho reference like his character, but seriously?

Storm is backstage and tries to reform Beer Money. I’d love to see them come back. Roode asks Storm why he should trust him, and Storm makes it clear he doesn’t trust Roode. He just wants to send a message. Roode says no and Storm threatens to run out and beat up everyone if he’s not Roode’s partner.

Kurt Angle and Gunner vs Bobby Roode and James Storm
Damn Beer Money is back. They aren’t really in sync though and argue throughout the match and tag themselves in. Beer Money take control of Gunner and get along well enough to kick ass. Angle eventually got the hot tag but the ref didn’t see it. Angle flips and takes out everyone, including trying to hit the three amigos on Roode. Storm stops the third and then Storm saves Roode from Gunner’s submission. Roode picks up the win. Please keep Beer Money together TNA. Oh please. Post match Angle attacks Roode, who runs away from him.

Sting is backstage, it turns out he was the one who sent the love letter to Dixie. Spud confronts him but Sting walks off, saying he wants to talk to Dixie’s lapdop. Which makes no sense because Spud IS her lapdog, even if he denied she had one.

...I feel a great disturbance in the Force...

…I feel a great disturbance in the Force…

EC3 comes out to the ring and says he changed the face of wrestling thanks to his Aunt D. He pinned Sting as easily as EC3 and he mocks Jeff Hardy. I love this guy. He asks Christie to introduce his opponent, Jeff-er-ee Hardy. Jeff doesn’t come out of course. EC3 does a little dance though, and wins by default. EC3 owns a pinfall victory over Sting and a count out victory over Jeff Hardy. Before Carter can count to 10 Sting comes out. Sting calls Carter a puppy and Dixie’s lapdog. He needs to get off the leash and prove he’s a man. If he’s on Dixie’s leash then they have a very strange relationship. Well, it is the south after all. I think it’s legal down there. Carter walks out while Sting mocks him and Carter has enough. He said he will fight Sting one on one…in two weeks at Genesis.

Joseph Park is backstage and says he doesn’t remember being Abyss and continues to deny he is. Eric Young set up a match between him and Bully Ray, and says it’s a drawback to the beginning. Abyss fought Bully Ray and now it’s Park’s turn. EY walks off, and Bully Ray walks in, warning Park and telling him not to have the match. Park doesn’t want to be the man who burns for Ken Anderson’s sins. Bully Ray literally threatened to set him on fire.

I like shipping.

I like shipping.

Bully Ray vs Joseph Park
A dominant heel? Like that’ll ever happen again. And they wonder why heels never get over. Bully just stands in the corner for what feels like forever and gives Park a very harsh low blow and loses by disqualification. Post match he pulls out lighter fluid and actually pours it all over Park. He pulled out a lighter too but Ken Anderson comes out before Park can be set on fire. Damn. Bully covers him in lighter fluid instead and uses the lighter to make sure Anderson keeps his distance. A very light “Fire hazard” chant starts. Bully walks out and no one gets set on fire. What a disappointment.

Magnus Coronation
Spud and EC3 are in the, now highly decorated, ring. Spud introduces the coronation, saying it’s bigger than the royal wedding. I didn’t care about that, and I slightly care about this, so he’s right. He introduces Dixie, saying meeting here is something that boys from the UK dream about. He’s such a massive heel, you yanks just don’t get it. Dixieland is a place where dreams come true. After that he introduces Magnus, and presents EC3 as the MC. MCEC3. I like it. It’s got a nice ring to it. Carter says that Brits worship their royal family, and America worships the one percent. He introduced Magnus and in my version at least, there was a very blatant cut. Anyone got a gif of it? EC3 introduces Dixie after that and she comes out at last after two introductions. Dixie tells the story of how she found Magnus. Him and AJ were in the same magazine and Magnus had a six page spread. I hope it wasn’t Playgirl. Dixie tells the fans to stand up as she introduces Magnus.

…Well if female wrestlers are picked out of modelling magazines…

Magnus sits on the throne and tells the fans to return their women to their upright and locked positions. I know I’m biased but I love Magnus. He thanks EC3 and Spud for their kind words, and thanks Dixie for being Dixie. Magnus delivers pretty much a great speech about how much the fans doubted him. He turned his back on the fans because they turned their backs on him. He’s never going to take a backseat again, and will the champion for a long time. Gunner comes out to interrupt him with the briefcase. Gunner tries to cash his briefcase in and Dixie says that it’s not going to happen. Spud, EC3 and Magnus team up on him and AJ Styles makes his triumphant return with his title. They pose together with their titles and Dixie tells AJ to get out the ring. AJ challenges Magnus who just walks out. AJ tells Dixie to call off her lawyers and she’s gotta be pretty dumb if she expects him to just hand it back. AJ came back because Dixie screwed the people by making their champ a farce. AJ challenges Magnus to a unification match and after AJ cuts a lengthy promo Magnus accepts. Dixie says it won’t happen and Magnus says if Dixie doesn’t let it happen, then he’s going to walk out too. Dixie brings up that AJ doesn’t have a contract and Magnus tells her to give AJ a one night contract. The match is on for next week and the show goes off the air.

I thought it was a pretty good show overall. I do wonder if the reason the unification match in the E was a response to TNA having their own unification match. Even though TNA has been building towards this for a while, I feel some idiots are still going to claim that TNA are just copying the E. E-diots. In any case, a pretty good show.

Post by Noyce

Mark Noyce is one of the co-hosts of Bored Wrestling Fan and occasional contributor to the site. He's published a few books on Amazon you can find by searching his name and is looking for voice and written work so contact him via Twitter if you're interested.

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