I’m depressed and watching TNA live. This could be terrible. P.S American commercial breaks suck. It’s been five years since I watched a Wrasslin show completely live.

I start the stream a few minutes early and see the end of an episode of Cops. Some white guy had weed. I wish I did. I have a disturbing love of Cop shows. Impact starts with MVP and the crew backstage, promising them hookers and blow. Speaking of hookers…(I almost feel bad about that)

The Beautiful People vs Gail Kim and Taryn Tarrel
I miss my FFW button already. The commentators tease Taryn might have ring rust but she doesn’t really show any. Taryn holds her own until she gets double teamed. Taryn gets the hot tag and Gail kicks ass. Taryn does a flying cross body to take out both “people” and Gail hits Eat De-feet on Mangelina for the win.

Also third reference!

Is there anything this bastard won’t destroy?

The Crew are backstage, heading to the ring, and they cut to break. Taco Bell fired shots at McDonalds. Also Bound For Glory is live in Japan. That’s pretty cool.

Dixie is backstage and happy. She’s recieved good news.

MVP comes out to the ring with the Crew and some hookers. MVP personally introduces Lashley, who comes out with a hooker all of his own. MVP says he’s regained his power now that Lashley is the champ, and King has his hands full with whores. Things didn’t happen quite as quick as MVP wanted, but they still happened. The World is still his. MVP says that Eric Young probably wants to be released, and he’d be happy to do it. Eric Young disagrees and comes out with his arm in a sling. He says he wants an extension, and he won’t go anywhere. You can’t fight City Hall but he wants to take it down, not fight it. He rushes the ring and gets his ass kicked by the Crew. MVP even gets involved with his crutches. Bobby Roode runs down through the crowd, grabs MVP’s crutch, and beats up the cripple and the King. Lashley just watches from outside the ring as they…cut to break. I regret this decision.

Lawler likes them young

Lawler likes them young

Bobby Roode has a mic and he uses it to talk about EY. They’ve had their ups and downs, but they have things in common. Mostly being Canadian. Oh, and starting at TNA on the same day. Roode has a deep love of wrasslin, and EY fought with everything for the love of wrasslin. He restored TNA’s dignity and the title’s too. Roode says the game is over, and it’s time to reclaim TNA for the fans and everyone who loves wrestling. Roode says MVP can fire him if he wants, as long as he does it to his face. MVP gets a mic and says he’s going to talk to Roode in a civilized manner. Not only did Roode make a mistake, but he repeated it by coming back. There’s always a reaction to an action, and MVP’s reaction is to fire Roode. Before he can say Roode is fired some random guy called Earl Sullivan Armstrong appears on the stage. He’s from the non-existant Board of Directors. MVP has been removed as Director of Wrasslin Operations. His replacement will be in shortly to fix the mess MVP made. Roode clarifies that MVP can’t fire or suspend him, and punches MVP out. The Crew carry MVP out.

The Menagerie are backstage. They owe someone money. Knux tells Steve to challenge Sanada to a title match and earn some money. Zema Ion interrupts and says that he’ll get to Sanada first and speak Strong Style. .Then TJ Perkins comes in, chases Ion off, and transforms into Kinam. It’s Manik spelled backwards! Speaking of backwards, there’s another commercial break. I wish I had booze.

Much like me, the world cup is "unintentionally" racist.

Much like me, the world cup is “unintentionally” racist.

Dixie is backstage with Spud. Dixie got MVP fired and Spud implies Dixie will be his replacement and Dixie says she needs champagne when they announce her as the new authority figure. Or whatever she’d be.

Sanada vs The X Division.
Apparently Sanada gets to handpick his next opponent out of Manik, Zema, and Steve. He asks each of them if they want a title match, and says all of them are getting one. The match gets underway after that. There was a pretty cool spot where Zema got triple dropkicked, and Manik made Sanada clothesline Steve. It was a fast paced match with a lot of cool stuff going on. Sanada wins with a double underhook bridging suplex. Look at me, knowing what things are actually called.

The Crew are backstage freaking out about MVP being “fired”. He’s going to call his lawyer and get things sorted out, and blames Dixie for everything. She can’t take anything from him, as he’s the one who always does the taking.

Magnus and Bram are backstage hyping up the Monster’s Ball match. They haven’t been in the Monster’s Ball, but they used to fight with weapons all the time before even becoming wrestlers.

I have it on good authority this is true.

I have it on good authority this is true.

Dixie Carter comes out to the ring with Spud. I’m about halfway through the show. I should be two thirds of the way through. They cut to a guy in the crowd shouting “NO ONE CARES!” Epic. Dixie says she lost her job because she had faith in wrestlers. The fans put their faith in MVP and they got screwed over. Dixie says tonight is about her getting her job back, and promises the fans Dixie 2.0 will be better than ever. She’ll give them what they want, starting with a lot more Dixie. She introduces that Earl guy again to announce her as the Supreme Leader. Earl Grey comes out and basically makes it clear Dixie won’t be named Furher. Spud does a literal spit take as Earl confirms it’s not Dixie. The person who it is told Twinings to not tell anyone. Dixie throws a fit, throws her drink and Chamomile, and screams that no one will tell her she isn’t in charge. She goes to say “over my dead body” and Bully interrupts her with his mighty calves. #Calfzilla.

Bully threatens to kick Spud in the face, drink Dixie’s champagne, and says she can guess what’s going to happen after that. It rhymes with gape. Dixie pleads for Bully to listen to her, and tries to buy him off. Bully teases taking the offer of 200 grand to not put her through a table. Bully lets the crowd decide, and decides to put her through a table. EC3 runs down for the save, and goes out the ring pretty quickly. Spud gets thrown out too and Bully grabs Dixie, even gets her into position, but Spud saves the day by getting rid of the table and allowing Dixie to escape. Yeah, she’s definitely going through a table eventually. I consider putting my laptop through a table as we go back to break.

Post break Spud and Dixie run out the building, abandoning Ethan. Bully cuts a promo saying he won’t rest until he makes good on his promise to put Dixie through a table.

This is also true.

This is also true.

James Storm vs Ken Anderson
Do we really need this match? Do I really need to watch it live? They fight up on the ramp before even getting to the ring, but only for about half a minute. They put on a good match, as I knew they actually would, but I’m just done with both of these guys. Anderson lands badly after hitting a move and Storm hits two Backstabbers, but only gets a two count. Anderson ducks the Last Call, but Storm reverses a Mic Check into the Last Call Superkick and gets the win.

A limo, a real limo, is shown pulling into the building with the tease it’s the new Emperor.

Oh look, a Sam Shaw segment. Gunner-Senpai has news. They’re letting Sam Shaw out already, but only under Gunner’s care and supervision. Sam-chan agrees, and they shake hands. Back in the real world, James Storm talks to Sanada. He congratulates him on winning, and asks him if he’ll trade his belt in for the title shot, and asks how proud Japan and Muta will be of him if he wins, and what’ll happen if he loses. Sanada reacts badly, and Storm dares him to say something. Storm tells him to not choke, and walks off.

Ethan is on the phone to Spud. He begs Spud to come and get him, then just gets absolutely demolished by Tommy Dreamer. Dreamer wastes him with a trash can, a chair, and sends him out into the arena. Dreamer walks off, comes back with the trash can, and dumps it all over Ethan. Dreamer chokes him with his hoodie, which is when EC3 makes his comeback and drives Dreamer into the ramp. EC3 pulls the padding off around the ring, but it’s EC3 who gets sent into it and the brawl continues. They end up in the ring, and finally get pulled apart as the fans chant “head”, presumably for Al Snow.

The most terrifying faceswap in history.

The most terrifying faceswap in history.

Abyss and Willow cut a promo backstage, and Willow asks if “she” will attend the ball. Abyss says she’s always nearby. Guess he was talking about Janice. The Crew are also backstage and they tease going to attack whoever is in the limo. They get to the limo and threaten whoever’s in there. They pull the driver out and ask him where his client is. He won’t though, so Kenny drops him and Lashley eliminates him. The Crew walk off to continue the hunt.

Willow and Abyss vs Magnus and Bram in a Monsters Ball match
Damn, I wish I was more interested. It’s pretty much a tornado hardcore tag match. The Monsters fill the ring with weapons but it’s the Brits that use them to commit double homicide. Willow rises from the dead, fights the Brits off, and things go back to being bloody. Abyss pulls out Janice and of course fails to actually hit anyone. I wouldn’t be worried if Abyss pulled out Janice. Bram cuffs Abyss to the guard rail outside and the Brits double team Willow. Abyss powers out of the cuffs and tries to save Willow’s supple ass but gets beat. It buys enough time for Willow to recover and hit two Twist of Fates. Magnus threw a chair at Willow on the top rope, and Willow fell through a barbed wire board on the outside. Sweet. Magnus grabs Janice, and Abyss grabs him by the neck and slams him into the tacks. Monster’s Ball = tacks. Bram grabs Janice and someone finally takes a shot from Janice. He hits Abyss in the legs and picks up the win.

I'm loving Star Dust.

I’m loving Star Dust.

Time to find out who the new Shogun of TNA is…Lipton Iced Tea introduces the one, the only, Olympic Gold medalist Kurt Angle. Kurt admits that TNA has made a lot of mistakes in the past, but he doesn’t have any motives. He’s done everything he wanted, and now he wants to give back. Lashley comes out with the Crew in tow. I guess they don’t really agree. MVP says that Angle can’t be his boss, and wants to talk to him face to face. MVP says Kurt whined to the board, and asks him if he’s really dealt with his alcoholism. No one tells The Crew what to do. Kurt might have some authority, but MVP has power. Power he will use to end Angle’s reign before it begins. Angle says if any of them touch him, he’ll fire all of them. He sets up a match between Lashley and EY for the title next week and EY comes out. He also reinstated Bobby Roode’s contract. Roode’s music now has lyrics. That’s a nice touch. Roode and Young rush the ring and attack their respective opponents to send the show off the air.

Impact wasn’t bad, but I don’t need to repeat this experiment again. I need sleep. I’m not sure how I feel about Angle being in charge. Let me sleep on it.

Post by Noyce

Mark Noyce is one of the co-hosts of Bored Wrestling Fan and occasional contributor to the site. He's published a few books on Amazon you can find by searching his name and is looking for voice and written work so contact him via Twitter if you're interested.

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