– We kickstart the show with a brief teaser of Hogan and Bischoff in a limo discussing another person coming in and defecting implied from WWE. Tenay and Taz announce that due to feedback, iMPACT will be moving back to Thursday nights. Also, they are adding a new show called TNA Reaction (not sure when this will air, but it sounds like Thursday as well). Hence, admitted failure!

– Nature Boy, Ric Flair’s music hits but it’s Black Machismo, Jay Lethal who comes out. He is not dressed like Randy Savage, rather in a suit and is wearing Flair’s HOF ring. Superstar Billy Graham somewhere feels confirmed in his fairly recent allegations against the fraud the WWE calls a Hall of Fame. And he does a pretty convincing impression (including attacking his jacket).

WOO!

– This is turn brings out Flair and he’s pissed. Lethal apologizes, gives back the ring, and tells Flair that this was something all he’s want to do his whole life… even if for 2 minutes. It’s a pretty endearing little rant, but Flair will have NONE of it. “I’m Ric Flair, I AM WRESTLING!” and slaps him across the face… Lethal slaps back and they go back a forth a bit until Lethal slaps on the figure four. Heels pour out of the back to back up Flair… Abyss and Team 3D clears the ring. Chaos! RVD comes down with a chair and the heels bail. The only bad part about this segment was Flair having his shirt off for most of it…

Yep

– An ad for Deadliest Warrior featuring Jesse James versus Al Capone is tomorrow. And it’s going to be awesome.

-RVD (w/ 3D, Abyss and Lethal) call out Desmond Wolfe, Beer Money!, and AJ Styles to continue the brawl. They do, and I can’t find many non-porn clusterfuck images… so you’ll have to get the idea. This continues for a bit until Hogan makes his way out… Hogan somehow takes out all of the heels with absolutely no moves. Pretty odd.

This ^ is odder…

– We come back, and Hogan more or less books everyone into matches for the night… and since I’ll to those as we suffer through tonight’s episode. Then cut to Sting up in the rafters pacing… more commercials.

– The Beautiful People are in their dressing room applying the pancake and having a bull bitch session about having to defend their titles tonight… eye candy? Yes. Relevant promo? No.

– Doug Williams was stripped of his X Division title (the volcano from last month prevented him to make the last PPV). That was pretty lame on TNA. He lets us know he is still the title holder in his own mind and will face Kazarian at the next PPV event. Him and Kendrick (stoned from the bong rips with RVD earlier) will tag against Shannon Moore and Jesse Neil and their retarded Mohawks… we used to call these types of guys “Punks for a day” in Calgary when going in indie shows back in the early-mid nineties. Punk rock is a mentality, not the way you look. Matt Morgan continues his pluralized reference to himself on commentary.

– In all fairness, this is a fun high spotfest of a match. If you’re like me, this was a highlight of the night. Team Mohawk picks up the win in a far too short match. Samoa Joe comes out post match and takes out both Kendrick and Williams.

Punk for a day!

– Flair and his heel crew meet backstage as Flair tries to “coach” them. Then cut to a Hogan interview about building up the new TNA and whining about Sting going awry. I call this filler. Tenay/Taz + Sting explanation = blah, blah, blah… meh.

– Desmond Wolfe won the fan voting poll for the number one contender shot, which seems about right. Last time I checked, Wolfe and Hardy were both tied for 27% with no one else even close to contending. I guess those internet indie darlings do well when the internet actually gets the opportunity to vote, eh Daniel Bryan? We then cut to Mr. Anderson beating the crap out of your Pope, my Pope… the Pope backstage. Anderson is wearing some fucked up choir boy outfit and takes Dinero’s Pope Glasses and walks off.

I never tire of this picture.

– Anderson makes his way down to address the congregation. As per usual, I will just take in the over-the-top antics that are Ken Anderson. After delivering the gospel in the fashion of a Jim Baker style southern evangelist, the crowd is clearly divided, but loud “We want Pope” chants prevail. This is turn, logically of course, calls for Jeff Hardy whose first retort is “The Congregation and the Creatures of the Night are one and the same.” … … Anderson puts on his WTF epic logic fail face to my own pleasure. This is getting too gothic and emo for my comprehension. Hardy’s challenge to face Anderson is turned down… so Hardy KO’s him and uses his hands to make Anderson’s mouth move like a puppet and accept the challenge at Sacrifice.

AWESOME!

– By the way, after Hardy rips the choir boy outfit off of Anderson, Ken’s trunks say the following on the reverse: “Talk into…” and on the front “…the mic.” I wouldn’t wear these with Orlando Jordan around unless you are REALLY comfortable with your sexuality.

– Like the PatMan, known amongst the inner circles as PatMan of all that is Horny, the Beautiful People are out to defend their Tag and World titles against Sarita, Taylor Wilde, and Tara in an “I Don’t Understand the Stipulations Either” match. “What’s Lacey doing… it’s like the Elaine dance from Seinfeld…”

Good call Taz! AWKWARD…

– The match dissolves fast shortly thereafter allowing for the Beautiful People to retain all of their titles while Tara’s antics take out Sarita and piss off Taylor Wilde. So far, not a lot of action tonight. Hemme addresses the issue with Tara post match… Tara will put her career on the line against Rayne for the title….

– Three way tag match. Team 3D versus Beer Money! versus the Motor City Machine Guns. If there is any justice, the MCMG’s (best tag team out there) will prevail. God hates wrestling fans so…

Charles Barkley@ G: “I’ve got a public speaking function tonight, so I have to skip out on the TNA stuff…

G@ Charles Barkley: “Ok, just let me know when I have to bail you out of jail again…” Click here for stats on celebrities and how many times they’ve been bailed out.

– In what starts out to have potential is ruined quickly… dammit. The “Band” interferes and a DQ is issued. In a turn, Eric Young runs down and appears to have joined the Band by making the Wolfpack gang signs. The MCMG’s pull some awesome double teaming to take out the Band briefly until Beer Money! takes them out. I didn’t see Waltman anywhere out there… so Waltman must be the guy to not show up or show up drunk as I referred to at the start of this retarded review.

– Welcome to the “O Zone” with your sexually ambiguous host Orlando Jordan. Honestly I will try to give this a chance… He brings out Rob Terry as promised last week, in the form of a cardboard cutout. Meh. The real Terry comes out, attacks Jordan, turns his back, Orlando takes him out. Tumbleweeds blow through as nobody is shocked nor cares.

– Monster’s Ball Match (i.e. garbage weapons match) between Styles and Abyss. I’m doing my best to stay awake…. it’s 1 AM here and I worked from 8:30 AM through 11:00 PM today (and did I mention I’ve been drinking?). It’s a pretty decent bout, but for some reason Chelsea comes out to distract? Umm… who? The ruse is used to allow Flair to toss brass knuckles in and allow Styles to use them for a win. And Abyss of course ends up in a pile of tacks as Styles picks up the win. What the point of that was, is beyond me. WEAPONS ARE LEGAL. BRASS KNUCKLES ARE LEGAL. STUPID.

WTF?!?! Weapons are legal!

– Finally, we get RVD versus Desmond Wolfe in what HAS to be our main event. It sure starts off good with some excellent ring action… I’m focusing my typing hands on watching this… ahh crap, another 2 minute match in what could have been epic. Retarded. After RVD picks up the win with the 5 Star Frog Splash, he is attacked by Styles…

– Hogan finds Jarrett beat up backstage… due to Sting. Right, I could give a shit about his heel turn forgot about that.

– Hogan calls out Sting, who comes down to retort… Basically Sting says it’s about Hogan having a “veil of protection” throughout the years and that he loves TNA, blah blah blah. Hogan uses the word “brother” a bunch and pretty much says nothing. Sting cackles, “I’ve always said you’re one of the best chess players of all time […] it’s your move Hulkster.” Hogan throws down the challenge to take his best shot. Jarrett comes down first and attacks Sting with his own bat. Hogan and Jeff argue as Sting gets to his feet…

– The TNA logo comes up, and I’m out.

Charles Barkley@ G: “Ok, I need that bailout G. Hook a brother up honkey!”

G@ Charles Barkley: “Good. I’ve got no time for final thoughts this week anyways…”