Did you know I’ve been here for seven months now? It feel like it’s been seven years since I started reviewing TNA.

The show opened with Eric Young and Abyss brawling backstage. So much for Monster’s Ball participants being locked in seclusion for 24 hours. They fight to the ramp and the bell rings, so the match is on.

Eric Young vs Abyss in a Monsters Ball Match
EY starts things off with pipe shots but Abyss just no sells, drops him, and fails to put him through a table. EY got in a nice reversal where he turned a chair on his stomach around so Abyss crotched himself on it rather than splashing him. There’s a good old fashioned tacks spot with EY doing a float over powerbomb to impale Abyss on them. EY even gets some in his mouth and spits them at Abyss. EY gets knocked off the turnbuckle and through the table outside the ring. Abyss pulls out Janice but EY unmasks Abyss to reveal it IS Joseph Park. Park hits a Black Hole Slam for the win. Post match Park acts highly confused and checks himself out in a piece of glass. Park refuses to accept he’s Abyss and they just cut away.

To continue "Before they were weird" THIS is Luke Harper.

To continue “Before they were weird” THIS is Luke Harper.

Roode is backstage with Dixie, and wants her to sign a contract for him vs Magnus. Dixie says she can’t do it anymore because she’s not as in control as she used to, and she can’t convince people he’s worthy of a title shot. She sets up a match between him and Joe for the number one contender spot. Roode tells her she’ll pay if it’s a set up.

IMVPact time. That’s not quite as good as R.K.O.N.Spiracy. Anyway, MVP is speaking. He grabs a sign from the crowd that says “I am the new investor” and holds it up, failing to hide the other side that says “Magnus = Ratings”. MVP says that for the past few years he’s been living life, and brings up his troubled past. He said that he was taught that actions have consequences, and people in Impact have forgotten that. The fans are getting tired of megalomaniac owners disregarding the talent and it’s time for a change. He loves wrasslin, and as a wrassler, he wants to make that change. He couldn’t do it as just a talent, so he invested in TNA using the money he’s made in wrasslin. He’s also not the only investor. TNA CAN be great, but the management is bad. No more. He goes to give his agenda when he’s interrupted by Rockstar Spud. That’s a bit of a shame because I was really enjoying that. I still love Spud though. It was his birthday when the tapings happened.

And I thought Cena's new picture was bad.

And I thought Cena’s new picture was bad.

MVP says he’s going to be fair. Spud says that if he wants to be fair, he should go talk to Dixie. He almost calls her dressing room a Throne Room and says that MVP will be welcomed there with outstretched arms. MVP tells Spud that at the end of his outstreched arms are educated fists. MVP tells Spud to go back and tell Dixie that he’s scheduled a non-title match between Magnus and Angle with the help of the board. Other than TNA not having shares or a board of directors, I think they’ve managed to cover up any and all holes in this story.

Bully Ray is backstage with a coffin, and tells Kenny that he took Bully’s family away from him, and next week he’s going to take Kenny away from his. He threatens to put the next person he sees into the coffin.

Chris Sabin is in a room that holds meaning for him and Velvet. He doesn’t want to accept it’s over, and he’s going to fight for her.

Sad Triple H is sad.

Sad Triple H is sad.

KONICHIWA bitches! While MVP was in Japan he found Curry Man and brought him to England. For added effect he even had one of those Scottish hats with ginger wigs. Bully Ray comes out with a coffin and my enjoyment of Curry Man went down. He’s about to die. He tells Curry Man he’s in the wrong place at the wrong time. Curry Man fires up and runs into a Big Boot. Bully delivers a very delayed Pile Driver while shouting Kenny’s name and puts Curry Man in the coffin. Bully says he’s going to end Kenny’s career and closes the coffin lid.

Magnus is with Dixie. He complains but Dixie reassures him it’s a non-title match. She dismisses him and asks Spud how she looks. Spud compares her to Queen Elizabeth, an 80 year old woman. Way to go. Ethan comes in and Dixie doesn’t have time for him. Ethan’s a face now! Dixie dismisses him too, saying she’ll talk to him in a week. Not during the week, but literally in a week.

Up yours America! We don't care about your shitty sport.

Up yours America! We don’t care about your shitty sport.

Your forgotten X-Division champion Austin Aries comes out and grabs a microphone. He says the man makes the title, and he’s held every major championship. He brings up Option C and there’s actually an “Option C” chant. He says he plans on cashing in the X-Division title once again this year and gets interrupted by the Bromanz. As they’re distracting Aries Zema Ion jumps in the ring and takes him out with his Feast or Fired case. Zema calls for a ref and cashes in his briefcase.

Austin Aries vs Zema Ion for the X-Divison Title
Ion hits quick pins but Aries kicks out of all of them, so Ion just sends him out the ring. Ion sends him back into the ring and hits a float over DDT from the middle rope for some more near falls. Ion misses a Spinning Corkscrew and Aries makes his comeback, hitting the Brain Buster for a win. Shame it was a short match, that was fun.

There was one man who wasn't chanting "Boo-Tista"

There was one man who wasn’t chanting “Boo-Tista”

Dixie is backstage with a nervous Spud. She reassures him they’re going to get through meeting MVP. There’s a recap of the Sam Shaw segment everyone but me shat on from last week. His Room o’ Christie is awesome. This leads in to a segment with Hemme and Sam that was filmed earlier today. Hemme says they need to talk and Shaw admits that he might have gone a little overboard with his enjoyment of collecting beautiful things. He’s such a sweet and gentle man. She asks him what the mannequin is about, and she’s not as freaked out as I think someone in that situation should be. Hemme is awful in this, not Sam. She says he’s great, but they need to keep their relationship professional. Shaw agrees and gives her rape eyes as she walks away.

Roode is backstage and he’s still angry about his match with Joe. Magnus walks in and says when Dixie says to do something, it’s not a favour, it’s his job. Roode asks him Magnus how many times he’s saved his ass and Magnus brings up the times Roode wasn’t there, and tells him to just go beat Joe. Roode burns him by reminding Magnus that he tapped out to Joe, and Magnus brushes it off as a non-title match. He says he’ll tap out as long as the title isn’t on the line because he’s smart. Roode says that Roode and Joe are going to kill themselves for a chance to take the title away from Magnus and wishes him good luck against Angle.



More Dixie and Spud. At least this time they’re with MVP. She’s interested in getting along with him, and says that she made the company a global entertainment empire in the past 11 years. MVP asks her how she did that, and Dixie says it’s the roster. Dixie says she treats everyone the same, from the curtain jerker to the champion. MVP brings up the guys who have left, and says they wouldn’t agree. Dixie says they’re just disgruntled and would spoil everything, and brings everything back to her. She says that MVP will get a huge rub off working with her and asks him where they’ll begin. MVP says they begin in the ring, in front of the fans, after getting in a dig about her reputation. MVP wants to include the fans in decisions about the company. Dixie has no problem with it, but doesn’t want MVP to go into business for himself like when he made the Magnus match. MVP says it was a non-title match in all fairness, and walks out.

Kurt Angle vs Magnus in a non-title match
This was a damn fine match with some hard hitting moves by both guys. I didn’t know Magnus was on Gladiators. I loved that show. Anyway, the two whale on eachother for a while before Kurt Angle locks on the Ankle Lock. EC3 runs out and chops Kurt’s ankles for the save and the DQ. He beats Angle off and I guess he’s not a face anymore. Ethan and Angle brawl around the ring and Ethan takes out Angle’s already injured knees with a chair. Someone really needs to tell Angle “No you idiot, you’re hurt!” Ethan puts a leg lock on Angle in the ring and refuses to let it go. He finally lets go and leaves Angle alone while the ref throws the X. Ethan watches from the ramp as Kurt is stretchered backstage as they go to break.

I'm Sad I only have two of these.

I’m Sad I only have two of these.

Back from break Joe is backstage with Angle. Joe cuts a badass promo on Dixie. She’s started a war with the wrong man. Joe will win said war, and make Dixie pay.

Also backstage was EY. He’s asked about the match from earlier and EY says he pulled the mask off, and now he doesn’t know what’s going to happen.

Chris Sabin is still in the room he was in earlier. That room is the room that he and Velvet had their first kiss in. He welcomes Velvet Sky into the room and they sit down to chat. He says that Velvet breaking up with him was the worst thing that ever happened to him, but it was also a wake up call for him. He knows what he needs to do now, and he teases proposing to Velvet. He pulls out a ring box and when Velvet opens it, it’s empty. He’s not asking her to marry him, he’s asking her to leave him alone because he’s sick of everyone talking about Velvet Sky. He challenges Velvet to a match next week. She can’t tell him when it’s over, he tells her when it’s over. It’s now over. So is this segment.

This is the other one I have.

This is the other one I have.

Bobby Roode vs Samoa Joe in a no. 1 Contender Match
Joe punches Roode so hard in the face it looked like a tooth came out. Joe might literally kill someone in the ring some day. The pair trade control of what is a very, very good match. It’s about damn time we got something like this. I was even into the freakin rest holds. This match was so great I’m not even going to tell you much about what happened. Just go watch it. They trade chops, slaps, kicks, just about everything. It ends with Roode getting hit by the Muscle Buster and then tapping to the Clutch. There’s about nine minutes of the show left though, wonder what they’ll fill it with. I bet it’ll take away from the great main event.

MVP vs Dixie Carter
Of course it’s going to take away from that great main event. Dixie comes out first and gives a severely boot licking intro to MVP. Flattery gets you everywhere with Dixie. MVP calms down the audience so that Dixie can speak. It doesn’t work. She says that Magnus has achieved everything they hoped he would and he’s an amazing role model. While Dixie is talking some fans from the front row walk out the building to beat the traffic as the fans holla holla “Boring!” She says that if everyone follows her lead they’ll all be successful. She’s dealt with investors before and wants to talk about changes. MVP starts talking and I tune back in. Him and Dixie only agree on one thing, and that’s that they’re going to disagree. She can’t tell the difference between a headlock and a padlock, and Dixie is the problem. Her reign of terror is over and he’s going to be very hands on. Changes are coming, and the party is over. MVP’s music hits and he stares down Dixie and Spud as they walk out the ring to end the show.

This is true. Call and ask why Bryan isn't in the main event.

This is true. Call and ask why Bryan isn’t in the main event.

The show was pretty good. I’ll happily admit that. I was going to give the show an 8 out of 10 but that final Dixie segment just killed me. So it gets a 7 out of 10.

Post by Noyce

Mark Noyce is one of the co-hosts of Bored Wrestling Fan and occasional contributor to the site. He's published a few books on Amazon you can find by searching his name and is looking for voice and written work so contact him via Twitter if you're interested.

All posts by Noyce | Noyce on Twitter

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