Thanks to technical difficulties I have to review Impact while I eat my dinner so apologies for any missed details. The show starts with Team 3-Dreamer backstage. Bully basically says he’ll kill EC3 and put Dixie through a table. Last week Impact told you that’s what happened. Well that’s this review done.

Abyss vs Bram in a Monsters Ball match
To be honest I’m mostly only interested in that final segment and not so much in this match. Not that I’d really be interested much in this match anyway. The crowd agrees by chanting “We want tables” loudly. Maybe they just wanted weapons as they cheer for them and also call for blood. Blood’s pretty much guaranteed in an Abyss match. #BloodHappens. It’s a hard hitting hardcore match. Janice even makes a cameo. She gets stuck in the turnbuckle and Abyss does indeed bleed. Bram gets chokeslammed onto thumbtacks to the approval of the crowd. Magnus runs down and the distraction lets Bram Spear Abyss through a barbed wire board. Abyss gets hit by Janice and Bram gets the win. Bram steals Janice at the end of the match, so this feud isn’t over.

Samoa Joe is backstage and he hypes up being in the X-Division and the Division itself. He’s interrupted by Low Ki. Low Ki cuts a promo in his sweet honey filled voice. I corpse badly as he says Joe won’t be able to stop him, and Joe says Low Ki can never prepare for him.

Team Ethan is also backstage. He pumps up his team, calling them the unsung hardcore heroes. He says there’s no way Dixie will ever (times 14) go through a table.

“Milday” doesn’t do this photo justice.

MPV and the Crew come out to the ring complete with prostitutes. MVP says he felt like a babysitter when he was in charge, and now he has all the power but no headaches. Lashley will be the champ pretty much forever. He got in a good line saying “Option C your ass later cos it ain’t happening”. As he’s saying Lashley has no competition left, he’s interrupted by Bobby Roode. Guess Roode is Lashley’s next opponent. Roode admits that MVP is right when he said Lashley is a destroyer. He calls Lashley one of the most dominant champions, and says he wants to talk to Lashley, not MVP. He says he was the longest reigning champion ever. He knows what it takes to win, and keep, the belt and MVP sent him home because he was a threat. The plan was for MVP to be the champ, and he was going to use Lashley to get the belt. Roode says Lashley hasn’t beaten him yet, and challenges Lashley to a title match. King cheap shots Roode and MVP joins in the beating. EY and Aries run down for the save. RACE WAR! MVP says they can play with eachother, while they go play with the hoes. Those were his actual words.

Sam Shaw and Gunner are backstage. They run into Anderson who wants to talk to Gunner alone. Sam gives them their space and Ken says he still doesn’t like or trust Shaw. Gunner says he trusts him, and that should be enough, unless Anderson doesn’t trust him.

Bully is still backstage and he’s asked who the 4th man is tonight. He says it’s not going to happen. Whoever it is, they’re coming out of retirement and it’s their birthday. That would be enough for most people, but not me. Curse my lack of wrestling trivia!

The Bromans vs Mr Anderson, Gunner, and Samual Shaw
I wish Sam Shaw still wrestled in gloves. They really completed the look. Shaw tries to start the match but Anderson tells him to get out so he can start instead. The story is taht Anderson doesn’t trust Shaw and won’t tag him in. He even shoves Sam aside so that Gunner can’t tag him and steals the tag. Gunner runs in to try and save Anderson but gets thrown out and Sam tags himself in to clear the ring and kick ass. He takes out all three guys and gets a huge cheer even. New York loves crazy people. Anderson gets in Shaw’s face and gets rolled up and takes the pin. Shaw had his legs grabbed so he couldn’t save Anderson. Anderson didn’t realise and tries to beat him up after the match but Gunner saves his crazy ass.

Heath Slater has won more matches than Kane. Suck it!

Dixie is backstage with King Mo. She says she doesn’t fear Bully as long as she has him. They’re going to watch Ethan win and then it’s going to be the end of Bully.

Gunner is backstage freaking out. Gunner tells him to calm down and they have almost get into a fight. Sam runs in and seperates them, and agrees with Ken. He says it was his fault, and Ken walks off to chill out.

EC3, Big Zeke, Snitsky and Rhino vs Bully Ray, Devon, Tommy Dreamer and Al Snow
The way this works is every 90 seconds a new man comes out, and Team EC3 have the man advantage. Ethan starts things out with Tommy Dreamer. No one can be pinned or submitted until every man is in the ring too. I’m really surprised this isn’t the main event. Dixie going through the table HAS to be the last segment or people are just going to tune out when it’s done. Rhino is out second and wastes little time wasting Dreamer with a trash can lid. Devon is out third with the rest of the trash can Rhino brought in. They cut to break and when they get back, Snitsky is the next out for Team EC3, and then Bully comes out. Bully kills everyone while we wait for Big Zeke. Zeke comes out and the mystery 4th man for Team 3-Dreamer is…Al Snow! “Coincedentally” as Tazz put it, most of the crowd had fake heads on them. The crowd let it be known that homophobia isn’t quite so rampant in the wrestling community by chanting they want head, and the Knockouts weren’t even in the ring. Progression people! Rockstar Spud runs out too and gets his ass kicked by Team 3-Dreamer. Spud gets Head in the Spuds and escapes with what’s left of his manhood. Get it? Al Snow hits a motherloving Moonsault. Rhino eats a 3-D and gets eats the pin so Team 3-Dreamer win. Bully calls for the music to be cut off and looks for Dixie. He finds her and throws the loss in her face. He shouts that he’s going to put her through a table tonight and Dixie says that instead, Mo is going to knock Bully out.

The best Youshoot question ever.

The “Beautiful” “People” are backstage. Angelina says she’s owed her rematch so she’s going to get it. Ethan Carter is also backstage. He’s asked what happened and he says his team failed him, but the mission isn’t over. They need to protect Dixie, and if they don’t then Mo won’t fail them, and Dixie is NOT going through a table. But, you know, she is.

The Beautiful People come out to the ring. I wish I could FFW. Love says they’re hotter and she’s a better wrassler than Kim and Taryn. She wants her rematch right now. She gets Taryn Terrel instead. Taryn says Love stole her title opportunity to see who was better. Love clarifies that she’s better than every other Knockout. She tells Taryn to go home and Gail Kim comes out. She says Taryn will get a chance to kill Love later. Kim says she gets to decide who gets a title shot, and she’s chosen Angelina Love AND Taryn in a three way. I think the fans can dig that threesome. Gail asks Velvet how she feels about Love saying she’s the best and the hottest. Love stops Velvet from speaking, and Gail says she’s in the now four way. The BPs try to jump Gail and Taryn but Velvet accidentally hits Angelina Love. Kim chases them off to end the segment.

Precious moments from WCW

James Storm and Sanada are backstage. Storm tells him he’s not doing it for anyone but him now. Storm showed him the light, and tells him to win. He also gave him a hard slap on the face, and made him bow before he left. This is getting into sexually agressive territory.

Another Havok video aired. This time the K at the end is left. So, yep, almost definitely Havok. Jessica Havok though? Also most likely.

Bully Ray is backstage. He basically describes what happened as orgasmic. That’s what I took away from this anyway. He says he’ll fight Mo wherever he wants, and knock his ass out. Dixie is definitely going through a table tonight.

Samoa Joe vs Low Ki vs Sanada for the X-Division Championship
James Storm comes out at the start of the match. He introduces himself as a legend, and says it’s an honour to introduce the man who ended Muta’s career; Sanada. Storm makes him bow again on his way to the ring. It’s one man in, one man out style for the most part. Sanada reverses Joe running for a suicide dive into a Hurricanrana which was a pretty cool spot. Joe hits the dive the second time around. Good match, not really the speed I expect from an X-Division match but I have no idea how these tapings work. For all I know these guys were tired out from the matches “last week”. Joe reverses a bridging pin into the Kokina Clutch. Damn that looked awesome. Sanada taps before Low Ki can break it up, so Joe is your new X-Division champion. I’m kind of glad that Sanada didn’t win, even though I’d have liked him to. It would have cheapened both him and the betl, and now there’s the story of Storm being pissed off at him.

Dixie should have gone through the table like this.

Dixie should have gone through the table like this.

Dixie and Mo are backstage. Dixie tells Mo to take him out no matter what and they…make their way to the ring? That’s a huge logic gap. She should have gotten the hell out of New York.

Dixie vs A Table
Yep, Dixie comes out to the ring. She has Mo, Ethan, and Spud with her. Oh and the rest of the team. Why would you do this Dixie? Maybe she’ll tell us. She chastises the team, saying they’re all worthless and activates RAGE MODE. She fires Snitsky and Zeke. She fires the audience too and tells them to get out of the arena. She even curses, telling them to pick their shit up and get out. Team 3-Dreamer come out to the ring, complete with the Dixie Table. Again, why would Dixie stay in the ring? Bully calls Dixie the most hated woman in professional wrestling (I think that’s Claire Lynch) and reiterates his promise. Tommy Dreamer says he tried telling her before, and says again that she’s going through a table because she represents everything wrong with the business. Mo punches Dreamer out, and Bully punches out Mo. The ring gets cleared of everyone but Dixie, Devon and Bully. Dixie tries to escape and all the faces come out to the ramp to block her escape. Dreamer grabs Dixie, and throws her back in the ring. Devon picks her up and offers her to Bully. Bully holds her up high and powerbombs her right through the table. I need a gif of that, stat! Even I said “Holy shit!” when it happened. The crowd chants TNA as Bully rolls Dixie’s corpse off of him and celebrates her death.

Here, have it in low quality for now.

I have a lot of respect for Dixie now for letting that happen. I’m actually going to miss her, if only a little. Damn good show but I found it hard to get into most of it because I knew what was coming at the end.

Post by Noyce

Mark Noyce is one of the co-hosts of Bored Wrestling Fan and occasional contributor to the site. He's published a few books on Amazon you can find by searching his name and is looking for voice and written work so contact him via Twitter if you're interested.

All posts by Noyce | Noyce on Twitter

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

RSS Feeds

Posts by Category