It’s Friday the 13th and so far the only bad thing to happen to me is that I have to review Impact.

The show starts with Rockstar Spud. He’s on his way to AJ Styles’s trailer.

Jeremy Borasch informs the fans about Feast Or Fired. Four briefcases, three title matches, one man fired. The Wheel O’ Dixie is back too. Kurt Angle comes out before JB can spin the wheel and trashes the ring and calls out Bobby Roode. Roode comes out and says the match won’t happen. He can beat Kurt any day of the week if he wants. He’s just better than Angle. Angle says  he can beat him twice in one night, and a brawl breaks out. Angle owns most of the brawl as refs and agents come out but Roode knocks in a low blow and sets up the two out of three falls match. Next week.

There’s a video package about the Joseph Park angle followed by a backstage segment with Park and Eric Young. Park’s nervous as hell and EY tries to get him into it. It’s always weird when EY gets serious. He tells Park to trust him, but doesn’t tell him his plan.

I wonder if this is accurate.

I wonder if this is accurate.

Bad Influence vs Eric Young and Joseph Abyss
EY actually gets a chant. He starts things off with Daniels. Park is also doing a live Q and A. I wonder if he’s being played by Mistico this week. When Park is in the ring EY talks him through wrasslin moves and tells him what to do which was pretty nice. Not as nice as any time Bad Influece do a tag team move. Them hitting one launches the shredraping of Park. EY runs in and fights them off and punched Park in the head to make him bleed. It’s Morphin’ Time! Abyss makes quick work of Bad Influence and pins Kaz. Damn I hope Abyss doesn’t have any diseases.

Post match Park is back and EY tells him that the reason he can’t find Abyss is because he IS Abyss. Guess we’re finally getting some closure. Park denies it at the crowd chants “You are Abyss!”. It sounded awkward.

One of their Impact 365 videos airs. EC3 is getting a massage and says that tonight he’ll not just have a hall of fame moment, but a moment that makes social media explode.

He's taking over the world like this cat is taking over America.

He’s taking over the world like this cat is taking over America.

EC3 vs Social Media
EC3 tells Bryan Hebner that he’s safe today, he has something different in mind tonight. Tonight he’s going to face TNA’s social media guru, Jeremy Borasch. Sting’s music hits before Jeremy Borasch can get in the ring. I guess it WAS EC3 who Sting was talking about. He does some weird stuff and calls EC3 a shooting star. The truth is though that EC3 has done nothing and been given everything. Sting talks up the Feast Or Fired match to make a point that EC3 has never taken a risk and he tells EC3 to man up, and join the Feast Or Fired match. Or he can fight Sting. EC3 tells Sting he’s on but clarifies he’ll be in Feast or Fired, and not fighting Sting.

Rockstar Spud is still lost in Georgia. He finds a hick who points him to a bar that AJ’s friends usually go to. We Brits make such good lackeys.

There’s a video package on Jeff Hardy who recaps his time in the tournament and what the title would mean. He also talks up Magnus a little, saying that he’s the future of TNA. There’s a similar package for Magnus afterwards.

Never give up Magnus.

Never give up Magnus.

Gail Kim Open Challenge
Gail says that the competition hasn’t been very good lately and calls out her next opponent. ODB comes out and Gail Kim tells her to get out because she’s already beaten her a lot. ODB says that she’s out to kick Tapa’s ass and it goes well until the numbers catch up on her. A random chick runs out to save ODB and it’s Madison Rayne! Madison Rayne is back! Things might turn around for the Knockouts now. She’s looking pretty good too.

Rockstar Spud is in the American pub wearing an awesome bow tie. Screw you, bow ties are cool. Spud buys a drink that sounds pretty cool but the bartender screws it up. She just gives him a bottle of beer with a lemon wedged into it. Spud grabs the mic from the band and asks again if the bar knows AJ Styles. He’s told the mic is for singing and sings God Saves The Queen. It got bad when he got tangled up in the Christmas lights and didn’t know the words to the song. He’s then thrown out the bar.

There’s a video package on the Feast Or Fired match. They show Curry Man getting fired after this match, which to me kinda telegraphs the ending to THIS Feast Or Fired match. Curry Man is in it again. No Shark Boy though. Maybe Gee has been right all along.

Why does he have hair Joe? WHY?!

Why does he have hair Joe? WHY?!

Storm and Gunner are backstage. Gunner says sorry for snapping and Storm says they can fix everything in the Feast Or Fired match. One of them gets the tag title match and the other gets the world title. They’ll have ALL THE GOLD.

Spud is still in Georgia. He seems to have found something. He runs off down a dark road armed with only a tiny flashlight. He’s so getting raped.

Dixie Carter comes out to the ring and Taz says that Brits don’t make good rockstars. UP THE IRONS YOU BASTARD. UP THE FUCKING IRONS. Dixie Carter confirms the 2 out of 3 falls match for Angle and Roode. Her biggest problem is still AJ Styles. She’s getting a new champion next week though, so what does she care? She brings out Magnus and Hardy because go home segments don’t have to be the go home segment now. Dixie wants to know if they have any final words for eachother and Hardy goes first. 2012 was a decent year but he messed up at Bound For Glory this year. He’s going to rectify that by winning next week. Magnus says he may be young, but he’s not stupid. The crowd are his creatures. He even thanks Jeff for putting food on his table. Next week all Jeff is is an obstacle. Next week Magnus has to beat the number one guy, and that means beating Hardy. I doubt Magnus actually sees Hardy as the top guy.

Dixie says that even though the Wheel O Dixie was destroyed there’s one match left. It’s called Dixie Land. There’s an incredible video package setting up the Dixie Land match. It starts with a Cage Match and once they get out of the cage they have to go up the ramp to a ladder. Atop the ladder is the title. You win by grabbing the title. That’s actually a pretty cool match. Dixie says that whoever wins will be traveling with her and a bunch of other stuff I missed. She also invites both men to have dinner with her.

Needs moar rainbow bowtie.

Needs moar rainbow bow tie.

Velvet Sky and Frail Sabin are backstage. Stuff happens.

The Adventures of Rockstar Spud continue. He’s walking around a house and walks through an open back door and makes an awful lot of noise. He’s in AJ’s house and looking for the title. He even finds it. It was on the coffee table all along. AJ comes down the stairs. His friends told him that Spud was coming. That’s why the door was unlocked and why the title was out in the open. AJ says they can call the police or call some friends. I think he was threatening to kill Spud. AJ takes the title back from Spud, who runs home like a little bitch.

Austin Aries vs Frail Sabin for the X-Division Title
Aries plays mind games and messes with Sabin and Sabin responds by using Velvel as a human shield to stop him. Sabin keeps control of the match and it’s not very X-Divisiony. It’s pretty slow paced. Or Sabin is. I guess since he’s a heel he can’t use flashy moves anymore. Aries picks up the win with the Brainbuster for the title. Sabin got hit with it after almost hitting Velvet so they’re trying to sell that Velvet was the reason Sabin lost. Not a bad match, just…slow.

Backstage Sabin chastises Aries for using Velvet to beat him and says that even if the rematch doesn’t happen immediately he’s going to put himself in Feast or Fired. That way he can win another title shot, or maybe even win the WHC and leave Austin behind. Austin says he’s going to steal Sabin’s idea and puts himself in the match. Sabin asks if he’s going to steal his woman next and Aries says it’s not a bad idea.

Magnus is backstage and says all he’s concerned about is the title match.

And neither does Magnus

And neither does Magnus

Feast or Fired Match
Anderson comes out first. I’m tired of him already. Can he go be a dad? Please? He does his usual introduction but Bully Ray creeps up behind him and pile drives him on the ramp. I might be getting my wish. Bully Ray cuts a biblical promo. It didn’t deserve the what chants. Bully says that those who have youth, have the future. Anderson raped Bully of his future and now that Anderson has a wife who is pregnant with twins, Bully is going to see to it that he’s responsible for their future. I think he just threatened to rape either his wife, his unborn children, or that he’ll rape them when they’re older. It was pretty awesome though.

Guess Anderson is out of this match now. I’ve lost track of just who’s in here. Thankfully Tenay told me. Samoa Joe walks down to the ring that contains Sabin, Hernandez, Chavo, Curry Man, Zema Ion, Dewey Barnes and Norv Fernum. I’d say Curry Man is your lock on who’s being fired but the geeks are in there too. Gunner and Storm come out after Joe. Aries comes out after them. After that came EC3. You know what would be a good story? If EC3 got fired. Curry Man has learned from the past and walks out at the start of the match. The cluster begins. For some reason everyone does a suicide dive, leaving Joe in the ring on his own to do one on everyone else. I have no idea why that happened. Joe could have just run and grabbed some cases. EC3 runs up and is the first to grab a case, grabbing case number 3 for himself.

Samoa Joe took out most of the guys in the match before being tossed out the ring by the nerds. Yep. They go for a briefcase and Zema Ion stops them and grabs the case for himself. He got the number 2 briefcase. Aries takes out everyone with whips and dropkicks. The nerds stop him from grabbing a briefcase. I almost want to see these guys as an actual team now. Aries hits them both with a 450 and goes back to getting the case but Sabin drags him down to the floor. Hernandez throws Chavo up to the briefcase so that he can grab the number four case. If Chavo got fired that’d also be a pretty good story. Assuming his termination didn’t last long. You can actually set up some good stories with this match. The nerds and Gunner give Hernandez a triple Superplex. I think I came a little. Storm goes for the last case and Gunner low blows him to steal the case. I guess that turn is official and this match is over.

Can you feel the love? I forgot to use this earlier in the review.

Can you feel the love? I forgot to use this earlier in the review.

The show itself is over now actually. You’ll have to tune in next week to see who got what briefcase. Or read spoilers I guess. I’m going to not read the spoilers but I bet the show gets spoiled for me anyway. Before the show fully goes off the air Hardy joins Dixie for dinner. It wasn’t a bad show at all really. Much better paced than last week’s show. I can understand why they didn’t reveal the Feast Or Fired results too. Next week should be pretty interesting. Tune into BWF this Sunday at 2PM Eastern for our awards show!

Post by Noyce

Mark Noyce is one of the co-hosts of Bored Wrestling Fan and occasional contributor to the site. He's published a few books on Amazon you can find by searching his name and is looking for voice and written work so contact him via Twitter if you're interested.

All posts by Noyce | Noyce on Twitter

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