Tonight, Mick Foley hunts down Jeff Jarrett, and we’ll hear more about the 3 Hour Monday Night iMPACT on January 4th. Plus, TNA will probably brag about buying a billboard in New York City with Hulk Hogan’s mug on it. All this, and presumably, some wrestling, tonight on iMPACT!
Video Package: Recent history of Jeff Jarrett, Mick Foley, Hulk Hogan, Sting, Dixie Carter, Kurt Angle, and Desmond Wolfe.
Earlier today: Mick Foley gets back from Nashville to find Kevin Nash – no pun intended – sitting in his chair. Nash tells Foley he has a sit down with Hulk Hogan tomorrow if he wants it. Nash hands Foley plane tickets in coach. Nash says that in turn he’d like to be in charge of the show tonight. Foley tells Nash he’s got a deal. Foley hands Nash the DVD footage of him meeting Jeff Jarrett. Nash gives JB and Foley $100. He then calls Rick Donavan and asks for a security tape of Foley’s office for the last three months.
Four minutes in, and we finally get our opening video.
Big Sexy, Kevin Nash and the TNA Global Champion, Eric Young, are dressed to the nines and make their way to the ring. Nash is carrying a clipboard. The big man says that we’re in for a show tonight. Nash is in charge tonight (because we didn’t just see that a few minutes ago). He gets to make the matches and run the festivities, because he set up a meeting between Mick Foley and Hulk Hogan. Mick is on his way to the airport, and Nash is going to tell you what we’ve got in store. Tonight we’ll see The British Invasion, all three of them, against Motor City Machine Gun Chris Sabin. A mixed tag match – Scott Steiner and a Knockout of his choice against Bobby and Kristal Lashley. One time only – a TNA Global Championsip match, defending on US soil, defending against Hamada. Tara takes on ODB in a Trailer Park Throwdown – Street fight rules with each girl guzzling a six pack before the match. Team 3D, Rhino, and Jesse Neal vs. The Pope, Matt Morgan, Hernandez, and Suicide, whoever gets pinned starts the elimination match at Final Resolution alone against the other team for 5 minutes. Finally, Lacey Von Erich will face Velvet Sky in a mud wrestling match. Late 90’s WWE is alive and well in Orlando. Since Nash couldn’t get his money back from his suspension, he’ll be auctioning off a TNA title shot to the highest bidder.
Video: Mick Foley talks to a video of Dixie Carter. He then starts looking for the real Dixie Carter, but nobody’s seen her. Mick tells the writers to write him a vignette where Dixie returns his phone calls. Mick asks somebody where Jeff Jarrett hangs out. The guy tells him he’s a bit concerned for the well being of Jeff Jarrett. He sends Foley to a place called Meat and 3 where Jarrett used to hang out.
Mike Tenay and Taz brag about the announcement that Monday, Januaray 4th, TNA will go head to head with RAW and feature the debut of Hulk Hogan. The British Invasion’s music hits, and the three Brits hit the ring. Chris Sabin heads out on his own, as he’ll be in a three on one handicapped match.
Chris Sabin def. The British Invasion
We’re told that Alex Shelley is banned from ringside, but Sabin holds his own until Big Rob Terry knocks him down, allowing Doug Williams to take over. Sabin doesn’t stand a chance against the three members of the British Invasion after Terry’s attack, until Terry gets tagged back in. Sabin turns the tide, and uses his quickness to his advantage. After disposing of Magnus and Williams, he hits a tornado rollup on Rob Terry to pick up the victory!
To the back: Christy Hemme is with Scott Steiner in the back. She’s wondering who his partner will be. Steiner starts babbling about the Main Event Mafia. He says he’ll find a freak. He says he’s got a lot of use for a freak, but in the ring isn’t one of them. Steiner says that if Miles gets in his way, he’ll knock him out. Christy tells Steiner that Miles Lashley is two. Steiner says he’s 1 1/2, and that he doesn’t discriminate against age, he’ll knock anybody out.
Video: Mick Foley is still looking for Jeff Jarrett. He finds a lady named Ruby, and he asks her if she’s seen Jeff Jarrett today. He says it’s been about a month or so. She blames it on the holidays. He asks her to let him know if she hears from him.
The Boss, Bruce Springsteen Bobby Lashley and his wife Patti Scialfa Kristal make their way to the ring. Scott Steiner hits the ring alone as the announcers ponder who his partner could be. It’s AWESOME KONG! Kristal looks terrified as she watches Kong’s entrance.
Bobby & Kristal Lashley vs. Scott Steiner & Awesome Kong
Steiner’s got Kristal’s face airbrushed on the front of his tights. Lashley takes control early, until Kong trips him on the outside. Steiner holds Lashley up and invites hier to attack him, but Lashley ducks, causing Kong to clothesline Steiner. The two argue for a moment, but Steiner doesn’t let Lashely mount a comeback. He takes Lashley down on the outside, right by Kristal, stalking her until she backs into Kong, who slams her. Kong goes to hit the Vader Bomb, but Steiner makes a cover and pins Kristal instead.
To The Back: Lauren announces that Samoa Joe is the first official entrant into Feast or Fired. Joe complains that Daniels is getting his push. Beer Money come in and they tell him that they’re entering Feast or Fired too, since the British Invasion have done everything to keep them away from the tag team titles. Joe tells them he’s getting the title shots, so sorry about their damned luck. Beer Money discuss whether or not it’s worth the risk of getting fired.
Up next, we re-live the announcement of TNA going head to head with RAW on January 4th.
Backstage, The Beautiful People are complaining about having to mud wrestle. Nash comes in and he says that he’s not trying to humiliate them, it’s for ratings. Nash says nobody is going to change the channel. How wrong he is about that. He tells them to imagine the attention. You know, I heard Nash say in an interview once that he’s not a fan of mud wrestling or bikini contests in wrestling. Wonder how he feels about having to promote this crap.
Video Package: Where’s Sting? Has he disappeared because of Hulk Hogan?
Last Saturday: Hulk Hogan tells Joe Rogan that TNA will be going head to head against RAW on January 4th.
To The Back: Tara is downing a six pack of Corona. She says it’s not funny, she shouldn’t have to drink before a match. That said, she’d drink a keg to get ahold of ODB. Then she walks into something.
To The Back: Christy asks Eric Young about defending the Global Title against Hamada. Young says he’d only do this for his buddy Kevin Nash, and points out that he’s not defending against an American. He says that the World Elite is interested in Hamada, and this is an initiation. He says he wants Hamada to try and beat him for the Global Championship, because he’s taking this match seriously.
Hamada makes her way to the ring, and she doesn’t look thrilled. Eric Young is out next. They put the word GLOBAL over the word LEGENDS on the belt – but it looks like the L fell off.
Eric Young def. Hamada to retain the TNA Global Championship
Hamada actually takes control of this match. Young catches her with a big boot, but she kicks him in the face and hits a top rope Hurricanrana for a two count. Hamada bodyslams Young and goes for the moonsault, but Young moves out of the way and capitalizes by pinning her with his feet on the ropes.
To The Back: The Beautiful People are trying to come up with a way to get ratings up. It’s so boring that I changed the channel.
Video: Mick Foley is at a place called Barefoot Charlie’s and is still looking for Jeff Jarrett. He’s looking for Interstate 40 East. He gets directions, and a voice calls out, “Lookin’ for somebody?” It’s Jeff Jarrett.
To The Back: ODB’s drank more than the required 6-pack. ODB says a match where you get drunk and kick ass is a regular match for her.
Tara makes her way to the ring with a bottle of Corona in one hand and Poison the Tarantula in the other. ODB is trashed and ready to fight. Tara doesn’t look too thrilled – or like she’s feeling all that great.
ODB def. Tara in a Trailer Park Throwdown
ODB hands Tara a bucket to vomit in, but Tara uses it as a weapon. This is basically a hardcore match, which would normally be awesome between these two, if they weren’t pretending to be piss drunk. I’ll take that back, it’s still a pretty good brawl, but ODB dominates, using everything she can find. she uses TNA caution tape, a plunger, and a ladder among other things. She decides the real ladder is too high to climb, so she uses a mini ladder instead, hitting a splash and getting a two count. Tara starts to battle back, using a trash can lid (after accidentally throwing another one) to her advantage. Tara goes to climb the ropes, but she falls, and ODB uses a chain to choke her. She hits a facebuster into a steel chair on Tara to pick up the victory.
Video: Mick Foley tells Jeff Jarrett he looks like hell. Jarrett says he’s been living in town, and wonders why Foley is here since Jarrett told him not to bother him last week. Foley says that he knows Jarrett can’t stay away from professional wrestling. Jarrett says that Double J can’t stay away, but Jeff Jarrett can. After what Dixie did to him?
For apparently gory footage of Abyss and Dr. Stevie, go to tnawrestling.com – when you’re done reading this, of course.
Team 3D, Rhino, and Jesse Neal make their way to the ring, and Neal is wearing The Pope’s ring jacket. Brother Ray says this is going to be a handicapped match, since The Pope isn’t going to make it tonight. Suicide, Hernandez, and Matt Morgan hit the ring, and that match is NEXT!
Team 3D, Rhino, and Jesse Neal def. Hernandez, Matt Morgan, and Suicide
Whoever gets pinned in this match will have to start the Final Resolution match off by themselves for five minutes – and if they get pinned in that 5 minutes, the match is over. The heel group cut Suicide off from his teammates and utilize frequent tags to their advantage – Gorilla Monsoon would be proud. Suicide finally causes some separation and tags in SuperMex, who cleans house, until he turns his back to Jesse Neal, who can’t maintain an advantage. Hernandez dives over the top rope and takes out Team 3D and Rhino, then plants Neal, only getting a two count. Brother Ray hits the Bubba Bomb, but eats a Carbon Footprint. Rhino hits Morgan with a belly to belly suplex, and is taken out by Suicide, who is dropped by Brother Devon. Hernandez goes for a Border Toss on somebody, but gets speared by Jesse Neal, who gets the pin.
The Pope hobbles down to the ring to prevent the heel group from doing any more damage.
Video: Tomko is returning to TNA
Tenay and Taz are dressed in raincoats and have umbrellas. The Beautiful People make their way to the ring led by guest referee Madison Rayne. So much for ratings – I just changed the channel. I’d prefer to see the knockouts, y’know, wrestle. Because that’s what sets them apart from WWE Divas.
Velvet Sky vs. Lacey Von Erich in a mud wrestling match.
I hate typing the words “mud wrestling.” Particularly when it comes to the TNA Knockouts. The Knockouts aren’t Divas, they’re actual wrestlers – except maybe Lacey. She couldn’t even win this mud wrestling match.
To The Back: Jay Lethal is complaining about the Legends who come after him. He says he’s gotta go sign autographs at high school gyms, and next week he’ll beat whoever he’s wrestling.
Who’s AJ Styles’ opponent tonight? We’ll find out, NEXT!
Video: Mick Foley asks Jeff Jarrett where the Hogan deal leaves him. Jarrett complains that he founded TNA and for the past five months, that’s all gone. Nobody respects that more than Foley, but Jarrett’s exile was his own fault. Jarrett tells Foley it’s bullshit. Foley says he liked the old Jarrett, the one who would’ve fought. Maybe Jarrett would like somebody to raise his three little girls for him too. Jarrett tells Foley they need to talk and to sit down.
AJ Styles is being rained on by pyro as he makes his way to the ring. Who paid top dollar for a TNA Championship shot? It’s Desmond Wolfe! Oh shit – get ready for a great match, which will probably wind up with interference from Kurt Angle or Daniels.
AJ Styles def. Desmond Wolfe in a TNA World Heavyweight Championship match
No sooner than I say that there will probably be interference does Kurt Angle enter the iMPACT Zone to join Taz and Tenay on commentary. He predicts a victory in two falls for himself at Final Resolution. Wolfe and Styles have a back and forth match, but when Wolfe kicks Styles in the groin – intentionally – Daniels comes to the ring and distracts Wolfe, allowing Styles to roll him up and retain the TNA World Championship.
After the match, Wolfe confronts Daniels.
Video: Mick Foley and Jeff Jarrett discuss Dixie Carter, and Jarrett agrees to come back to the iMPACT Zone.
Thoughts: I can’t get over the whole Beautiful People thing. Mud Wrestling. This is a division that has been built up by some of the best women wrestlers in the world today, and they insist on having a mud wrestling match on iMPACT. Why? What good does that do? I get it, it’s on SPIKE, the network for men, but there are a lot of people who don’t tune in because they’re men, but because they’re fans of professional wrestling. Mud wrestling and professional wrestling are two different things. The Knockouts division is taken seriously among American wrestling fans because they don’t do stupid crap like this. For what it’s worth, the Family Guy where Peter finds out he’s actually Mexican was on during that crap segment.
Enough about that, the rest of the show, though intentionally wacky, was pretty decent. I’m interested to see what this footage of Dr. Stevie and Abyss that was too graphic for SPIKE was. I actually have TNAwrestling.com open in another tab in my browser – mostly because I wanted to spell check Jesse Neal’s name – so I may go check that out in a second. Thanks for reading, guys, Drow will be here tomorrow with your SmackDown review, and we’re hoping to dig up tharvey1 and his Superstars review sometime this week (should’ve looked before I hit publish, it’s already up!), so stay tuned!
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