I know, I know. Last week I said I’d review iMPACT before RAW. Then I said at the end of this week’s RAW review that I’d review iMPACT in “a couple hours.” Here it is 12 hours later and I’m just now sitting down to review TNA’s show. Let’s get started!
Last week: Sting returned, Rob Van Dam arrived, Brooke Hogan overacted, Jeff Hardy saved Hulk Hogan.
There’s an orange hummer pulling up to the building. It matches Hogan’s skin – I know that because Hogan, Abyss, Hardy, and RVD all get out of it.
TNA’s new theme song isn’t really memorable, so you’re not getting a joke about it.
Get ready to fly…
The TNA World Heavyweight Champion AJ Styles and his mentor Ric Flair are dressed to the nines, and apparently are going to talk. So much for Nonstop Action, huh? Styles wonders if Abyss really thinks Hogan’s ring will help him at Destination X. What’s wrong with him? They’ve had classic battles in the past, but the result has always been the same. Styles up, Abyss down. Styles isn’t sure where Abyss gets his inspiration from, but Styles doesn’t believe in the Easter Bunny, he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus, and he doesn’t believe in magical rings. He does believe that he’s the best wrestler in the world. He also believes that he’s a gift from God, and this Sunday, Abyss will find out first hand. The fans chant “Turn his mic off.” Flair takes the mic and says he wishes he could be as under control as AJ is right now, but he can’t be, because last Monday night, Hogan busted him open on the guardrail. Flair punches himself in the head and busts himself back open. Flair says he and Styles had Hogan and Abyss where they wanted him, then Jeff Hardy showed up. If Hardy wants to play ball, he can expect to get busted open every day of his life.
Hardy’s already facepainted up and he shows up to a song that sounds kinda like his old theme by Peroxwhy?gen, but not quite. Styles wants to know who Hardy thinks he is. He’s done nothing – NOTHING – here. Hardy’s a nobody. He wants to come in and put his hands on Ric Flair and the Champ? He wants to be in the spotlight? Well, it doesn’t get any bigger than AJ Styles. How about they get it done in the ring tonight? Hardy points the microphone to the crowd, who are chanting his name. He tells Styles it’ll be a breeze. Flair says a breeze is Hardy going back there and pointing a picture, getting high on the paint fumes, because he needs to be flying when he comes out here. Hardy says he’ll be flying high on the backs of his creatures of the night.
Mick Foley is in Eric Bischoff’s office. Bischoff isn’t happy about Foley helping Jarrett last week. Forget about that though. There’s no hope for Foley. He looks like hell, so tonight we’re going to shave his head and his beard to turn him into the corporate executive that Bischoff wants. Foley says it’s kind of his trademark. Bischoff tells him it’s not anymore.
Still to come tonight, Jeff Hardy takes on AJ Styles, Hulk Hogan confronts Sting, and Eric Bischoff wants to shave Mick Foley’s head.
Earlier Today: The Nasty Boys attacked Jesse Neal and put him through a table.
The Nasty Boys and Jimmy Hart are in the ring, and Knobs says that instead of a six man tag, it looks like we’ll have a handicapped match. Team 3D make their way to the ring with a table in hand. Brother Ray says they’ve got it wrong. It’s not a handicap match, because they’ve got themselves a partner right over here – in Brother Runt!
The Nasty Boys & Jimmy Hart def. Team 3D
So… Jimmy Hart was going to wrestle against a guy like Jesse Neal? The Nastys keep Brother Runt in their corner, beating him down, then tagging in Jimmy Hart. Hart tries to hit Runt with his belt, but Runt ma,kes the tag to Brother Ray. Hart escapes and tags in Knobs, and things get out of hand from here. Hart hands a motorcycle helmet to Knobs, and with the referee’s back turned, Knobs nails Brother Ray with it, allowing Jimmy Hart to pick up the pinfall on Brother Ray.
The Nastys and Hart continue the beatdown on all three Team 3D members and set up a table, but Jesse Neal comes to make the save. Neal, D-Von, and Brother Ray put Saggs through a table with a 3D.
To The Back!: Christy Hemme asks how Angelina Love feels seeing The Beautiful People win the TNA Knockouts Tag Team Championships. Angelina says it sucks and she’s mad, but she’ll do something about it. She issues a challenge to any of The Beautiful People for later tonight.
Jeremy Borash is standing by with Scott Hall and Syxx-Pac, who will win contracts to be a part of the TNA roster if they beat Kevin Nash and Eric Young on Sunday. Pac says they’ve been kicked out of better places than this, but maybe this time Bischoff won’t have to send him a FedEx package. Hall says that at Destination X, Big Sellout Kevin Nash will get what’s coming to him, and Young will find out not to mess with business that’s not his. Next Monday you’ll be looking at the two big money players in TNA. Nash and Young come in. Nash heard “big money.” He’s got some money. He tells Hall that if he lasts 5 minutes in the ring with him tonight, Nash will give him $25,000. Hall says he’ll be out there. He’s the one that looks like Elvis. Nash says Hall’s going to need the money for health care.
Mr. Anderson and Desmond Wolfe are here, accompanied by Chelsea. They’ll be teaming up tonight and taking on Kurt Angle and The Pope, D’Angelo Dinero.
Kurt Angle & D’Angelo Dinero def. Mr. Anderson & Desmond Wolfe
Wolfe and Angle kick things off, and Wolfe keeps Angle trapped in his corner. The team of Wolfe and Anderson cut the ring in half and use frequent tags to keep a fresh man in the ring. Angle finally gets the tag in to Pope, who is still selling his ankle injury, but holds his own against both of his opponents. The match breaks down, and Angle nails Anderson with an Angle Slam. Wolfe goes after Pope’s ankle, but Pope rolls him up and pins him.
After the match, Wolfe attacks Pope and they battle out of the iMPACT Zone. Anderson takes down Angle and grabs his medal. Anderson digs it into Angle’s forehead, busting him open. Anderson sarcastically asks Angle if he’s bleeding. He says it’s a small example of what Angle has in store for himself this Sunday at Destination X, and this beating was brought to you in full by Mr. Anderson… Anderson. Anderson then beats the hell out of Angle with the microphone. Anderson lies on top of a fallen, bleeding Angle.
Back in his office, Hogan tells Hardy and RVD not to worry about Flair, Hogan’s got a special surprise for him. Abyss is the special enforcer for Hardy’s match with Styles tonight. Hardy and RVD leave, and Bischoff comes in. Bischoff wants to talk about surprises. He loves them, but shouldn’t he have known Hardy and RVD would be here? Hogan says Bischoff has had his hands full with everything else. Bischoff apologizes for bringing it up. Hogan tells him not to apologize, he sounds like an ex wife.
Angelina Love makes her way to the ring, and it’s time to find out who her opponent will be tonight. The Beautiful People all come out to the ring, and Velvet bets Angelina thinks she’s all big and bad issuing a challenge. For one night only, Daffney is an honorary member of The Beautiful People.
Angelina Love def. Daffney via disqualification.
Daffney attacks from behind, beating the crap out of Love to kick off the match. Daffney breaks out a tool box and goes through it before settling on a hammer. The referee takes it away from her, and the distraction allows Angelina to turn the tide, but The Beautiful People get involved, earning the disqualification.
After the match, the four of them attack Love, but Tara comes to make the save. She takes out all three of the normal Beautiful People before staring down Daffney, who she’ll defend her title against at Destination X.
Hulk Hogan makes his way to the ring, thankfully not to wrestle. Game time is over out here. Hogan’s been around the block a few times in this business, but last week was more than just a trainwreck. Last week wasn’t anything new, Jack. The one thing he can’t get out of his head is when Abyss was screaming “Why, Sting, Why?” Hogan can smell that “low life dog.” We want to know why somebody like Sting would stab TNA in the back. Wasn’t he a big enough star? Wasn’t he making enough money? Was the spotlight not bright enough? Sting is up in the rafters, and Hogan tells him to come down. Sting obliges, but takes his sweet ass time doing it. This show likes to go to commercial, now would be as good a time as any, but instead we get to watch Sting walk slowly down from the rafters. Hogan tells him he’d better take his time, because he’s going to get the ass whooping of a lifetime. Sting finally gets to the arena floor, and he’s attacked from behind by Mr. Monday Night, Rob Van Dam. Sting tries to escape, but RVD doesn’t let him. RVD rams Sting head first into the ringpost. Sting looks for his bat and finds it, but before he can use it, RVD kicks him and tosses the bat to Hogan. He tosses Sting in to Hogan as well, but before Hogan can use it, Bischoff comes out and tells him it’s not the right thing to do. He’s got to leave the wrestling part of his life behind because he’s a leader in this company now. Bischoff calls for security to get Sting out of here. Hogan didn’t come here to wrestle. That’s not what this is about. He made a promise to Brooke that he was done, he needs to be done with it. Brooke hugs Hulk.
Backstage, Hernandez tells Jarrett that he’ll help him get revenge on Beer Money Inc tonight. Bischoff says they don’t make matches. Hernandez can get at Beer Money tonight in a handicap match. Jarrett tells Bischoff not to take his frustration out on Hernandez. Bischoff says if Jarrett wants to get in the ring tonight, he can be the referee. If he screws up, the only time he’ll be near a ring is if he’s putting one up or taking one down.
Hall is in the ring, and Nash makes his way down with the $25,000 in hand. The bell rings and we’ve got a 5 minute challenge.
Kevin Nash vs. Scott Hall
They waste about a minute of this challenge, but after Hall throws his toothpick at him, Nash starts the beatdown. Hall tries to fight back, to no avail. Nash is beating down Hall in the corner when Syxx-Pac comes in and chops Nash’s knee out from under him. They handcuff Nash to the ropes, and Eric Young comes out to make the save, but the numbers game is too much for him. Pac hits the X-Factor on Young, and it’s the Wolfpac standing tall.
To The Back!: JB is standing by with Beer Money. Last week all they wanted was an opportunity. Beer Money have been pushed aside like a couple of nobodies. Is that any way to treat the greatest tag team in the world today? The answer isn’t just no, it’s hell no. Storm says that Bischoff gave them an opportunity. The problem is, it was Jeff Jarrett. This week they have another opportunity to dish it out, and it’s Hernandez who’s getting a plate full. Nice guys finish last, and they’re tired of being nice guys. From now on it’s Beer Money making cash and getting trashed. Sorry about your damn luck.
Jeff Jarrett is introduced as the special guest referee. Beer Money make their way out to the ring. Hernandez comes out and he gets nailed as soon as he gets in the ring.
Beer Money def. Hernandez
Beer Money put the beat down on Hernandez. Matt Morgan starts down the ramp, but turns around and heads over to the announce table instead. He’s disappointed that Hernandez wanted to team up with somebody else instead of him tonight. Hernandez finally starts to mount a comeback. He uses his power and speed to his advantage to fight off the numbers game. He goes for the Border Toss, but Storm hits a superkick. Beer money nails the Drinking While Investing and Jarrett reluctantly count the pinfall.
Beer Money insist that Jarrett raise their hands after the match, and he eventually does. Storm and Roode attack Hernandez again, tossing Jarrett out of their way. Jarrett takes off his referee shirt and attacks Beer Money. SuperMex nails a double clothesline sending Beer Money scurrying up the ramp.
Eric Bischoff has clippers and a mirror. He’ll try to shave Mick Foley’s head and beard, NEXT!
Bischoff says that Jarrett’s ass is his next week, but for now, it’s time to clean things up around here. He calls Mick Foley out to the ring. Foley slowly walks to the ring, wearing a suit. He sits down in the chair, but when Bischoff tries to use the clippers, Foley and Mr. Socko lock in the Mandible Claw. Foley puts Bischoff out, and into the chair. He takes the clippers, and shaves Bischoff’s head instead! Eric Bischoff has become the first person to get his head shaved on television in three different wrestling promotions. Foley wakes Bischoff up and lets him look in the mirror. Bischoff is irate, but then tries to put his hair back onto his head.
To The Back!: Christy Hemme is standing by with Shannon Moore. He’s not worried about his match this Sunday. He’s studied from the book of Dilligaf. Don’t know what it means? Look it up. Moore basically says he’s going to win on Sunday.
The Motor City Machine Guns are in the ring, and have something to say. Not only is this Sunday the return of the Ultimate X match, not only do the winners get a tag title shot, but it’s going to be remembered as the beginning of the rise of the Machine Guns, beginning with Generation Me. Hell, what the hell have GenMe ever done? Who have they ever beaten? Generation Me make their way to the ring, and they remind the Guns that they’ve beaten them in their first match. The Guns remember that, but that was luck. Credit where it’s due, GenMe are good, but not great. The Guns are great. They’re the Xbox to GenMe’s Atari. GenMe are the station wagon to the Guns’ Ferarri. The Guns want to talk about the night the spent with GenMe’s girlfriends. The two teams start brawling, and Brian Kendrick comes out and joins in the fray. Amazing Red comes out to make the save, but Daniels puts that to an end until Kazarian comes out with a ladder. A huge X Division brawl breaks out. The faces set up a ladder in the ring, and Red dives off the top of it out to the floor onto all of the heels. Generation Me, Amazing Red, and Kazarian stand tall after an amazing segment showcasing the X Division’s best.
To The Back!: JB is with Abyss. Abyss says that X marks the spot. Destination X marks the spot where Abyss gets his hands on AJ Styles. He realizes why Flair and Styles have come after him – because for the first time in Abyss’s life, somebody is jealous of him! It’s time for Abyss to do the taking around here, and it starts with the TNA World Championship. He hopes Flair gets involved tonight so Abyss has a reason to get his hands on him. What are they gonna do when The Monster runs wild and crazy on them?
Abyss makes his way out as the special enforcer for this match. The Champ is out first, as Ric Flair accompanies AJ Styles to the ring. Jeff Hardy heads down to the ring, and we’re set for our iMPACT main event.
Jeff Hardy vs. AJ Styles
Hardy looks ridiculous with short hair. Screw it. I’m watching this – this is going to be a hell of a match. I’ll give you highlights where necessary, but this is going to be one of those matches that you just have to sit back and watch. Flair does try to get involved, but Abyss chases him away. Hardy goes for the Twist of Fate, but Styles escapes and nails the Pele kick. Styles dives off of the top rope, and he inadvertently takes out the referee as well as Hardy. Styles tries to grab a chair, but Abyss stops him. Styles gets back in the ring, and Hardy hits the Twist of Fate, followed by a Swanton, and Abyss counts the pinfall.
Flair attacks Hardy and Abyss from behind with the chair, but when he tries to continue attacking Abyss, my DVR cuts out. Dammit. According to another review, Abyss Hulked up and slammed Flair through the ramp as Styles looked on in horror.
My Thoughts: Dammit, I knew I should’ve set my DVR longer than the 8 minute overrun that Time Warner predicted. I’m gonna have to find a video of the end of the show, but for now, I’m out. It’s dinner time. See you tonight for NXT!
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