TNA Impact Thanksgiving EditionBy Noyce · · Leave a Comment
I had bacon sandwiches for lunch today. No turkey for me.
Turkey’s are all over Impact though as the show starts with Dixie Carter. She’s going to hire herself a Chief of Staff. That’s Chief of Staff, not Director of Operations. He’s British too. It wasn’t me sadly. It was Rockstar Spud. That dude who won British Bootcamp and then vanished. He just looks…wrong in a suit. I would have been much better.
Rockstar Spud thanks Dixie and gets USA chants. Filthy racists. He says he’s watching the roster and calls Dixie his queen. So it’s okay to be racist towards this guy, he’s a traitorous prick. Dixie updates us on the world title tournament and says Kurt Angle vs Magnus is a Last Man Standing match. Roode and Hardy is a tables match. I think last man standing would have been good for the inevitable final between Roode and Angle but oh well. Dixie introduces us to something called Winner Winner, Turkey Dinner. All the winners will get a turkey dinner. She also mentions AJ and calls him selfish or something, and then introduces EC3. EC3 hypes up his opponent and he and Aunt D do the Carter promo together.
EC3 vs Curry Man
It’s like Dixie Carter has a crush on Jorge or something. First Shark Boy and now Curry Man. Curry Man cuts a promo before the match but gets attacked by EC3. It’s a typical EC3 match but it’s also worth noting he slammed Curry Man’s face into the mat while shouting “I. AM. RICH!” at a slam a word. Oh and the fans think he can’t wrestle. Curry Man got in some offense but EC3 won with his 1 Percenter and cuts the Carter promo.
Angle and Gunner are backstage. Gunner and Storm are part of team Angle. Storm comes in and says that any problems he and Gunner have can be settled another time. Gunner says that he did what he thought was right. James Storm is such a dick.
The Bromanz are backstage and they have their own personal DJ now. Zema Ion. Say it with me guys *sigh*. Anyway, EY and ODB come in with their turkey costume thing. I forgot that happened. I was happier. I also feel kinda bad I defended Bromanz getting the titles. I’m willing to admit I was wrong. This is another sign those things are dead. EY sets up a match between Bromanz and two random guys backstage to see who wears the turkey suit.
Velvet Sky vs Lei’d Tapa
Guess they can only afford one indy woman a taping. Velvel tries to use her speed to avoid Tapa but Gail Kim grabs her foot when she tries to run the ropes. Gail gets dismissed and sent backstage by the ref and Tapa starts raping Velvet. Velvet tries to get back into it, doesn’t, and Tapa picks up the win.
There’s a video package about the passing of Aces and Eights, and then another video package hyping up the Turkey Bowl match.
The Bromanz vs Those Guys (Dewey Barnes and Norv Fernum)
Zema Ion actually introduces the Bromanz and plays them to the ring. He calls them “Two guys with bodies so heavenly they sweat holy water.” I can’t believe I didn’t recognise Barnes and Fernum. It was kinda stupid of them to do this I think, it kinda shows that they really are just two guys that were backstage and really takes away from EC3’s wins over them. Bromanz cut them down before the match starts and I tune out. Fuck this shit. Bromanz win. The jobbers put the suits on and dance while Robbie E has an orgasm in the ring. It wasn’t so bad once Bromanz shut up and they started dancing though. It wasn’t too bad, I guess.
Another video package on AJ. More angry Dixie too. She’s in the back and tells AJ that the game is over. She has a lot of shoes, and a lot of laywers. The lawyers are going to be all over him and he has one week to return her title. Not bad TNA. Not bad at all. It makes sense and that’s what matters.
Team Roode are backstage. It’s EGO and Chris Sabin. Roode hypes his team up and Daniels says it would have been great to see Roode kill Storm in the ring. Also Joseph Park tested positive for gravy during a drug test. Roode says that it’s serious and walks off, and Sabin says “He’s going that way, we should follow him.”
Rockstar Spud is demanding food backstage. I marked out when he called the woman a bloody yank.
Backstage with Angle and Magnus. Magnus says that he still has respect for Angle and next week they’re going to beat the hell out of eachother. They need to take care of business this week.
Aces and Eights vs The Grim Reaper
Magnus is checking Twitter during the funeral and Joe is eating. EY was the only one crying. I actually live tweeted my sister’s wedding ceremony. The priest asks if anyone wants to speak some kind words about Aces and Eights and Mr Anderson comes out of the casket. He’d just finished having sex with the body I guess. He says some stupid shit and mentions that Hogan provided the food. Not by name though. He invites Kurt up to the podium and Kurt says that D’lo and Wes Brisco were his friends. I seem to remember him mentoring Garret Bischoff too. Kurt pulls out a D’lo Brown bobble head and throws it in the casket and Joe takes to the podium. Joe actually cuts a pretty decent promo before making it stupid again. He says that when they pulled their masks off, they found some pretty ugly faces. He pulls out a six pack and says that it was the only thing that made their faces palatable, and he’s going to leave them in honour of Aces and Eights. He then thinks fuck that, and just hands them out because it’s good beer. I did love the line “To the Aces and Eights, may you ride your mopeds to the shores of Valhalla.” I’ll mark out for any Norse references.
Jeremy Borasch takes the podium and says that unfortunately Tazz will still be on commentary. The good news is that he can get rid of the cut he wore for eighteen months. Even though Taz wasn’t a member for that long. Brooke’s booty shorts also made their way under the announce table. They get placed in the casket too and Eric Young takes to the podium. He’s here to shed a tear for the men who’ll never get a chance to wear the Turkey suit. He’s got plenty of them so it’s okay for him to put one in the casket. That tradition will live on forever, unlike Aces and Eights. EY starts crying for the lost turkey suit. Anderson took to the podium one more time and has a hammer. Tenay is the only one who hasn’t felt the touch of Bully’s hammer. He’s going to keep it, it’s a good hammer. Bully Ray enters the parlour to save my life. Anderson raped him of everything and Bully won’t forgive him. He cuts a pretty awesome promo about how death is the final awakening, and Anderson needs to sleep with one eye open. That segment was way too long, even if the ending saved it.
Team Angle vs Team Roode
There’s a while left of the show and this is supposed to be the main event. Joy of joys. To save myself I’m just going to say who was eliminated, by who, and how. Unless something good happens. The match started off pretty good with Angle and Roode going for submissions until one Kaz gets in. I actually missed Magnus being tagged in too. Gunner and Storm hit a nice tag team move to imply that maybe they’re not done just yet. Then that goes away when Storm is eliminated. He got rolled up right next to Gunner who didn’t really try to break up the pin. Storm glared at Gunner as he walked backstage. Bad Influence hit a cheap shot double team on Gunner and Kaz picks up the pin. It’s four on two at this point with Magnus and Angle vs all of Team Roode. Magnus hits a flying forearm off the apron and lands badly and starts selling his knee. Or he injured it legit. They cut to break teasing that Magnus is having his knee taped up.
They come back from break and show Magnus try and get up and collapsing. He was then taken backstage for immediate medical attention leaving Angle to face all of Team Roode. He gets shredraped of course. He rolled up Daniels and got a visual pinfall but Roode and co were distracting the ref. Bad Influence hit their double team move again and Roode begged for the tag. Angle reverses Roode and has Roode hit Sabin by mistake and makes a comeback. He hits the Three Amigos on Roode and Daniels, and then hits another set on Roode. It was pretty impressive but talk about over saturation. He did a good job though by taking so long to do them that the fans started calling for them. He even hit a double suplex on Bad Influence and hits a double Ankle Lock on them too. The Cyborg is back bitches. Angle avoids a chair shot by Roode, grabs it, and unleashes hell on Team Roode. He gets disqualified though, so Team Roode technically win, even though Magnus was never technically eliminated.
There’s a backstage segment with Team Roode celebrating their victory and they’re going to get ready for that Thanksgiving feast. I forgot that was going to happen. Roode says he’s thankful for beating Angle for a third time, and for being Bobby Roode.
Another backstage segment with Gunner and Storm. Storm says that being pinned in front of his partner was never part of the plan. Gunner asks what the plan even is, and the interviewer asks if they have goals as a team. Gunner walks off having a hissy fit and asking Storm if it’s “his plan or their goal” or something. I could have got plan and goal the wrong way around. Storm walks off himself after saying no one dictates the future of Storm and Gunner.
Video package hyping up the final four of the tournament.
Dixie Carter is backstage with Rockstar Spud. He shows her the Thanksgiving dinner he had made and EC3 comes in too. EC3 disapproves of the food and says the British don’t know about good food. Screw you EC3, I had bacon sandwiches. Dixie tells Rockstar Spud that he’s in charge of the dinner and Dixie leaves with EC3, presumably leaving the arena too.
Rockstar Spud is in the ring with his Thanksgiving Dinner. Spud invites all the winners out and Gail Kim comes out even though she didn’t compete, and Velvet Sky comes out with Sabin, even though she lost. Zema is also with the Bromanz. Roode grabs the mic and asks Chris why Velvet is there. Sabin says that he’s right and tells Velvet to go away, he’ll bring her a doggy bag. Nothing about Tapa standing next to the table instead of sitting down to eat though. Roode thanks Dixie and asks them what they’re thankful for. Bad Influence is thankful for being intelligent, handsome, well endowed, that Joe isn’t there to drink gravy and fuck pie, and Kaz is thankful to spend Thanksgiving with EGO. Gail Kim is thankful for Tapa, and being the prettiest and most dominant knockout, and her family. Sabin is thankful for the beautiful and luxurious hair he has, being the greatest X-Division champion, and Velvet of course. One of the Bromanz says something. Then the other one says something. Roode says that he’s thankful for the real Thanksgiving, the one last month in Canada. He celebrated with G. He’s also thankful for beating Angle three times. Everyone will be thankful when he’s the new champion and now they can eat.
Kurt Angle comes out as they start to eat. He sees a ring of turkeys. Roode challenges him to step in the ring and take on all the people at the table. Angle says if it was just the two of them he’d kick his ass, but neither of them are alone. The faces come out from the back and the nerds are still in their turkey suits. A good old fashioned brawl/food fight breaks out. Rockstar Spud cries like a little bitch and EY hits some turkey shots. Fernum and Barnes even hit simultaneous splashes. The faces stand strong in the ring and celebrate with beer as the show goes off the air.
It was a pretty decent show overall. Some things went on a bit too long but the good far outweighed the bad. I can’t say I was too disappointed with anything.
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