I hate repeating myself so always change the intro. I also hate repition, so I’ve got no clue why I chose to be the Impact reviewer.

Aces and Eights start the show off, and Taz says that Brooke isn’t skanky. The videos of her twerking on Impact’s website would disagree. Bully cuts a promo about the swerve last week and says that the club is about quality, not quantity. They don’t really have much of that either. He doesn’t need the championship to be the be all and end all, and he’s still that. He cuts a promo on Anderson and accepts his match, saying this time he’ll piledrive him through the stage instead of just on it. Anderson’s music hits and he comes out. He has a microphone so I tune out. Anderson tries to add the stipulation that if he wins, Aces and Eights are disbanded. Bully disagrees so Anderson sweetens the pot. His wife is pregnant and if Bully wins, he’ll leave TNA and go be a dad. Bully says he’d like to piledrive Anderson’s wife and calls Ken crazy. A beatdown starts before Bully can actually accept the new stips. Anderson actually fights them off and challenges any member of Aces and Twos to a fight.

Floating Hedgehogs make everything better.

Floating Hedgehogs make everything better.

Anderson vs Knux

We come back from commercial to a match between Knux and Mr Anderson. The commentators confirm that the new stips are now added and if Anderson loses next week, then he’s done. Knux controlled most of the match but in the end Anderson hit a mic check out of nowhere for the win. You might think I didn’t note much down, and that it was because I was eating my lunch, and you’d be right. The match was incredibly slow anyway so it’s not like it matters.

There’s one of their Impact 365 videos with Joseph Park challenging Christopher Daniels to a match. After that there’s a backstage segment with Bad Influence. Daniels has no idea why Park is mad at him and accepts the challenge. Daniels actually references the TV title and says that he’ll find it. The segment ends with an appearance by Bobby Roode. Bad Influence have a new t-shirt. I bet it’s received better than the Dixie Land shirt.

There’s a video package putting over the submission match between Aries and Angle and submission matches in general. That was pretty awesome.

Oh the puns.

Oh the puns.

Christopher Daniels vs Joseph Park
Park rules the match with his size and power advantage. Daniels asks Park to help him up after a knockdown and Park gives him a clothesline before Daniels can hit the cheap shot. Daniels takes control of the match and Taz is actually entertaining. Park fails with the Ass Splash and I do agree with Taz, I don’t think he’s ever hit that move. Why does he keep trying it? Park hits some strong offense for a two count and actually goes to the top rope. Well, the second rope. Daniels runs into the opposite corner and Park gives him a running splash instead. Daniels demolishes Park with a low blow and gets the win.

Bischoff and Bully are backstage consoling Knux on his loss and telling him it’s okay. Bully reassures them that he’s going to win and get rid of him and they go off to a strip club. Yep. Bully tells them to not tell Brooke about going to a strip club.

I didn't save many screenshots. Enjoy more puns.

I didn’t save many screenshots. Enjoy more puns.

EC3 vs Norv Fernum and Dewey Barnes in a handicap match
Well they gave us a handicap match which is something different. I guess. I still don’t care. I love EC3. I love his physical charisma. I love the poses and the facials (COCK TALK!) but I’m tired of this crap. I’m fast forwarding. Ethan Carter won of course and the commentators argue if he’s 8-0 or 9-0 after beating two guys at once.

Another video package on AJ Styles going down to AAA. Dixie is in the truck asking why it aired. They explained that one last week. Her problem is with Spike TV and their affiliates, I doubt it’s something the boys in the truck are doing.

Video package with Jeff Hardy saying he chipped his tooth last week. He’s going to study whoever wins the match tonight and he’s going to do what it takes to win the title again. He also says that he thinks it’s great that after 16 years he’s still able to have matches like he did last week and he’s proud that he can go out there and still make kids. Make them smile that is. Then he ends it by saying he’s glad he can still touch people. Kinda a bad thing to say after talking about making kids smile. Is he Frankie Feathers?

Jeff Hardy is the devil and he's ruining wrestling one drug charge at a time.

Jeff Hardy is the devil and he’s ruining wrestling one drug charge at a time.

Dixie Carter comes out to the ring and does the one thing no one wants her to do; She grabs a microphone. She puts over how awesome she is and how right she was to kick AJ off the roster. It proved that no one, other than her, is irreplacable. It’s a business and it’s all about “What have you done for me lately?” All AJ has done lately is steal stuff and defended her title when he’s not the world heavyweight champion. Dixie actually forgot Chris Sabin’s name. I hope that was deliberate. She says that Jeff Hardy beat “someone” in a Full Metal Mayhem match. She then puts over the Free Per View next week and brings out Bobby Roode, James Storm, Samoa Joe, and Magnus. Storm and Roode have a match next week. They really should have put that over more. I had no idea and those two have history they can draw from to make it feel like a big deal.

By the way, Dixie has fans.

By the way, Dixie has fans.

Earlier in the day she spun the Wheel of Dixie and Storm and Roode have a bull rope match. Dixie says that Storm needs to step up his game and show her what he’s made of because Roode has beaten Angle not once but twice. Storm grabs a mic and tells Dixie she’s not ready to ride this rodeo and Storm says that it’s time a redneck took over the company. Hey Storm, AJ Styles IS a redneck, and he DID take the title. So fuck you.

Dixie mocks Samoa Joe a little by calling him a TNA original, like his little friend AJ Styles. Joe and Magnus are having a Falls Count Anywhere match. Joe cuts a promo on Dixie and says that they’re just there to cover her bad business and inability to deal with AJ. It’s cool though, because Joe is going to cover for her. As soon as he wins that title he’s going to defend it against the man who never lost it in the first place, no matter if it’s in TNA or anywhere else in the world. That’s AJ Styles of course. Magnus grabs the mic and says that if he wants to be the top dog he has to beat the best. That would be Joe. It’s not easy, but it’s going to happen. Dixie gets the microphone again and reiterates that the tournament is to crown her new champion and that they will be the one true champion. Not bad at all considering it was a segment with Dixie in it.

There's no particular reason for this.

There’s no particular reason for this.

Anderson and Bischoff have themselves a good old fashioned backstage brawl. I guess Bischoff didn’t go to the strip club. It ends with Anderson handcuffing Bischoff to something and walking off. The cameraman could have just released him.

There’s a video package detailing some of Angle’s TNA career.

Gail Kim comes out and recounts her open challenge. Someone showed up to answer that challenge and that someone is Hannah Blossom.

Gail Kim vs Hannah Blossom
Hannah is one of the Blossom Twins from their British Boot Camp show. Does she really count? I guess so because they aren’t with OVW anymore. Well anyway, Gail Kim just beats the shit out of her of course. Hannah eventually gets some offense in, including a snap suplex, but there was no way it was going to last. Gail hits her Eat De-Feet for the win.

If this wasn't a taped show, I'd say this was the first time this guy saw a real woman.

If this wasn’t a taped show, I’d say this was the first time this guy saw a real woman.

Post match Gail cuts a promo saying she’ll continue to prove time and time again that she’s the best. Not a bad start to the open challenge. These things need to build up remember. Those big names you mentioned? They might come in, but it won’t be straight away.

Joseph Park comes out to the ring for some reason. He has a promo to cut. When he came in a year and half ago, he only planned to find his brother Abyss. The support of the fans made him stick around though. Kaz and Daniels are pissing him off. They say he’ll never be as good as Abyss and they’re right because Abyss is a legend and will be a TNA hall of famer. They’ve been asking him where Abyss is but he’s got no clue. Abyss is crazy and there’s no telling when he’ll show up. Park has a solution to the problem and he actually issues an open challenge to Abyss. Has technology evolved enough for them to make that match possible?

Kinda hope not, or we'll get this match.

Kinda hope not, or we’ll get this match.

Austin Aries vs Kurt Angle in a submission match.
It’s times like this I wish I knew more about technical wrestling or had someone like Tenay to tag out to. I’ll do my best. Before the match can even start they cut backstage. Anderson and Bischoff are still there and Bischoff looks like he’s been raped. Anderson undoes the handcuffs and walks off with Bischoff on his back. Now back to what we care about, Aries and Angle. It starts off slow with them trading submissions and they also both quickly get their signature submissions in. Angle counters an attempted STF and Aries goes back to softening him up. That ends with a powerful tilt-a-whirl backbreaker which is the cue for Roode to come out on to the ramp with a chair. He just plans to sit down on it though. Aries attempts to capitalise on the distraction with a top rope move but Angle catches him and gives him a belly to belly suplex.

We come back from commercial break with Aries in control of the match. Angle takes it back with another Belly to Belly and hits the three German Suplexes. Angle counters not one, but two seperate dropkicks into Ankle Locks and Aries gets out of both of them. Aries hits the Brainbuster and floats over into the Last Chancery. Aries releases the hold for some reason. Taz tries to cover it by saying he could tell that he wasn’t locked in properly and released the hold because of it. Angle hits another three German Suplexes but Aries holds on to the ropes to stop the third one. Aries misses a 450 and counters two Angle Slams. He then slams himself into the corner and Angle wins with the Crossface. That’s Bobby Roode’s hold. Pretty good finish to a pretty good match. I feel a little bad for Aries though. He was just the fuel in the Angle and Roode fire.

A surprising look at the TNA offices.

A surprising look at the TNA offices.

Anderson comes out with Bischoff’s corpse before the show can go off the air. He hits the piledriver on to the stage to Garret and tears off his Aces and Eights jacket while Angle and Roode watch. After that the show goes off the air.

Not bad at all really. Definitely a step up from last week. There was some very good ring work and the promos were pretty great too. Even Dixie did a good job. I just wish they would do something more with EC3 and maybe not have Aries actually look like he was just a tool to get the Angle and Roode match over.

Post by Noyce

Mark Noyce is one of the co-hosts of Bored Wrestling Fan and occasional contributor to the site. He's published a few books on Amazon you can find by searching his name and is looking for voice and written work so contact him via Twitter if you're interested.

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